In which the pond puts the bigot out to pasture and joins Maurice in the magic garden with the stigmatic gentle giant ... as we impatiently await our knighthood ...

As it seems retrospectivity is now all the go, in matters of taxation and otherwise, the pond might mention the recent apocalyptic shaming of Paul Sheehan, with an apology for ignoring it, while offering a triumphant justification.

In recent times, the pond has ignored the magic water man, with his columns increasingly rambling, eccentric and bizarre. If you look at his Fairfax tag here, you might range from headlines such as The fate of one small mouse hints at a huge problem for Australia to We are losing dogs and cats, and it is a great loss.

The man was clearly and deeply unhinged, and increasingly desperate to produce click bait copy of the Is Malcolm Turnbull insane? kind

The pond was tempted to note his moan about A sorry tale of dealing with Telstra's 'customer service' because he carried on about a relatively mild encounter with the forces of darkness. All the pond could think The Optus The, or if you speak German, Die Optus Die ...

Now everyone has piled in on the magic water man's latest folly, including himself. Oh there's Finally, The Islamophobic Race-Baiting Of Fairfax And Paul Sheehan Blows Up In Their Face at New Matilda and over at the ABC there's Paul Sheehan's unchecked allegations 'a catastrophe for assault victims.'

But this is ultimately a matter for Fairfax. No doubt they keep a very accurate record of all the clicks that Sheehan attracts, and they must weigh up the odium of having a ratbag loon deep in senility up against whatever business he manages to attract.

In the case of Mike Carlton, they acted much more quickly over a much more minor matter (back then it was talk of a suspension that set the cat amongst the mice). Will they bite the bullet with the magic water man? They haven't in the past, but surely the time is now nigh, though given his age and his incapacity, a suspension would be a folly, when what's required is a putting out to pasture.

But the pond takes no pleasure in this. A bigot brought low by basic incompetence provides no joy ... and Sheehan's "apology" just compounds the incompetence ...

After publication I learnt that a woman had made very similar claims of rape during two rallies last year organised by Reclaim Australia, which opposes militant Islam. When I sought to speak to Louise about this she was unresponsive. In the story recounted to me by Louise, she made insulting references to rapes committed by Middle Eastern men. I had wrongly amplified this insult by including her words in the column. Had I known on Sunday what I knew by Wednesday, the column would not have been written. Hindsight has a ruthless clarity.

And bigoted foresight has a ruthless, relentless stupidity.

But ultimately this goes beyond Sheehan, it goes to Fairfax and its click-baiting, trolling ways, and its ever-expanding cupidity, which the pond hasn't wanted to encourage by paying attention to it ... besides, the pond still feels residual guilt for digitally stalking the Duffster,  even if he deserved it.

There's nothing to be gained by stalking a man in his dotage, and Sheehan is now well beyond the valley of the doting.

The magic water man should have been allowed to retire with what grace he could muster many moons ago. If Fairfax allows him to stay, then the shame - as well as the profound editorial lapse - is theirs to own ...

They trusted him? They said they trusted him, as if that's a sufficient and complete excuse?

And that's why Fairfax gets not a shekel from the pond.

You see, the pond is always attracted to the bright side of reptile follies ...

Like this outing from the Daily Terror today ...

The pond often speaks of the crypto-fascist spirit, mind and soul at the heart of the Surry Hills bunker, but always in error, because there's nothing crypto about that front page. It's pure unadulterated fascist joy ...

Now some this day might take their pleasure from simple reptile thoughts and deeds ...

In case of emergency, break glass and activate poodle with a click to the mouth ...

And then there's the Oreo, a sugary confection seeking to create cavities in Malware ...

Indeed, indeed. The pond must concentrate on fixing its tendency to left-right walking ...

But no, there's a special joy today, a vision that will sweep away tawdry, tragic reminders of the magic water man ...

Settle, settle. The pond's breast proudly expands at the thought of Australia's overwhelming military superiority, as the Murdochians construct a fortress Australia from their bunker ...

But no, today, in pursuit of that vision, the reptiles have blessed the pond and the world with the Delphic oracle himself ...

It's Maurice time. Get ready to rrrrruuummmmbbbllleee ...

Now that sort of splash brings a tear to the eye of the pond right at the get go ...

There's a reason that Maurice holds an honoured position in the pond's banner ... and his celebration of the gentle giant Abbott moving to shelter the nation in his warm, comforting, caring embrace brought back fond memories of Oscar Wilde's fairy story The Selfish Giant ... in which tale the gentle, happy, caring giant let the Christ child play in his garden ...

With Maurice, you get the Christ child and the gentle giant rolled into one.

Now that the pond has set the scene, let us read on, though remember to bring a very fierce paranoia with you ...

You see, this is what gets the pond going of a morning. Who could remember the bigot Sheehan now?

Who wouldn't roll jaffas down the aisle at that line about the philosophical reorientation the country so desperately needs?

You know, like knighting Phil the Greek ...

But stay, Moorice needs no commentary. Maurice delivers the goods ...

What a splendid outing, and with the need to mention the global warming botherers only once in the diatribe of doom and gloom and disaster, as we watch in awe and wonder the gentle Tony carrying his stigmata and his suffering, when all he wanted to do was take the snow out of the garden and make it glow with an ethereal light.

No doubt there are a few brave souls who've made it this far and experienced a bout of nausea, and perhaps are asking the pond - with its extensive medical experience - what to do?

Well avoid Paul Sheehan entirely and take two cartoons at once, and more at lunch and dinner if the symptoms persist.

The pond always recommends a healthy dose of Rowe and Pope on a daily basis - better for eyesight strength than carrots - and you can find more Rowe here and more Pope here ... but watch out for that sea mine at four o'clock captain ...