Mein Gott, he never stops, he's a never-ending word machine, the rough equivalent of Homer in that all you can eat joint ...

 

The gift that keeps on giving ...

The pond realises it's stretching the friendship, pushing the boundaries, but it can still remember the tremulous excitement when it first discovered Mein Gott, and Mein Gott, what a tremendous exponent of the apocalypse he is ...

Mein Gott is a catastrophist of the first water, see how he weaves his web of tales of impending disaster and doom ...

You see, the end of the world is nigh. No, not for all those about to get stiffed by Telstra, right here, right now, the Gott guru sees far into the distance, beyond the range of ordinary mortals.

Sadly the reptiles ruined the vision a tad by slipping in a video featuring the poor buggers about to hit the job circuit ...

The only consolation is that some reptiles will be on the chopping block. Who will go? 

The Major has been MIA for a couple of weeks now. Has he been labelled as superfluous to needs? He's completely irrelevant, but when has irrelevance counted against any reptile?

The pond is betting that the new "prestige" arm of the lizard Oz will look and sound much like the old one, with plenty of room for pontificating pompous bores peddling the company line. How else to keep attracting the aged demographic with tedious tales of woe?

The pond was tremendously excited when a correspondent provided a MediaWeek link which explained all the prestige ...

...Miller said: “The creation of the News Prestige Network delivers a powerful proposition for prestige and luxury brands in Australia. While we have for many years been the media company which reaches the largest prestige audience in the country (91% of all ABs), the networking of our brands through our digital and print platforms means we also reach 93% of Gen X ABs and 85% of all AB millennials.

“Our unique proposition is engaging with affluent consumers at scale in prestige environments with credible, trusted global and local brands. We understand this audience and connect with them using News Corp’s unique customer intelligence and data to produce the best content and experiences for our luxury customer. Our Prestige Network means we now have the data, the brands, the audience and the team lined up together to deliver for our clients.”

News Corp Australia chief digital officer Nicole Sheffield said: “We know that prestige advertisers need to be in digital as that is where consumers are, however they require safe environments to ensure their brands are properly managed digitally along with their need to buy engaged audiences. A major part of the News Prestige Network is the creation of the Prestige Digital Network that combines the digital audiences of our prestige portfolio to further leverage their influence in market and deliver brands the right audience in premium environments at scale.

The News Prestige Network will be led by News Corp Australia’s prestige and lifestyle director, Nick Smith.

“The development of the News Prestige Network is driven by leading research and insights in to the luxury consumer from around the globe,” Smith said. “It will be the first port of call for prestige

brands looking to make true connections with discerning consumers to drive consideration, purchase and loyalty.”

News Prestige Network initiatives include:

• Prestige Digital Network: Combining the digital audiences of the company’s prestige portfolio with innovation in storytelling and unrivalled connections to deliver prestige audiences at scale.
• News Connect Prestige: Utilising the audience targeting capabilities of News Corp’s, News Connect, which overlays consumption data of News readers, with Quantium data covering eight million shoppers to identify digital audiences to dramatically improve marketing effectiveness and deliver high impact digital campaigns with accuracy.
• Prestige Creative Ad Formats: Utilising the skill of News Corp’s Ad Lab team to deliver innovative creative formats across mobile and desktop.
• Prestige Content Marketing and Native Solutions: Offering clients content marketing strategy and solutions, plus the extension of News Corp’s market leading native product, Native in Colour, to deliver native campaigns at scale across the prestige brands.
• Prestige Social and Influencer Marketing Platform: Delivering social campaigns to the 7.6 million social footprint across News Prestige Network brands. Plus, as announced at the event, access to an exclusive publisher partnership with Scrunch, the influencer marketing platform that helps brands recruit and run influencer campaigns.

So much prestige, so little time. What could be a safer environment than a climate denialist rag offering safe haven for barking mad loons howling at the moon?

Speaking of which, time for another sounding of the apocalypse ... punters, get albatross and necks ready ...

There he goes again, yammering on about Telstra-style reconstructions, just the sort of thing that workers need to give them a stiff upper lip and a dinkum work ethic ...

The pond deeply regrets that it's had to assign Mein Gott this late arvo slot. Many will miss his wisdom and his astonishing insights, and thereby not notice the end of the world is nigh ...

They'll be devastated to learn that mass sackings and the scrap heap might be a tad harder to implement. Mein Gott, how dare they get in the way? The crushing machine must do what crushing machines do ...

Mein Gott, they'd better get in quickly and get their massacres out of the way now. 

How wise of Lachy and Bekky to run the red hot poker though the soft buttery underbelly at News Corp ...

Oh dear, the endless suffering of Woollies and Coles. Mein Gott, this man is caring and compassionate, all the way to the shareholder bank ...

Those bloody casuals should be grateful to be up at 4 am to do a little shelf stacking, then work until 5 am before heading off for a micro sleep and returning to work at 4 am ... while hapless, tireless hard working CEOs do it tough at mill ...

Gad sir, Mein Gott will have none of this talk of contempt, not for the poor lads and occasional lasses at the coal face ...

Yes, they'll all be rooned, another day in an endless saga of ruination ...

Is there a solution? The pond suggests that instead of thinking the bin fire is for the mango Mussolini, imagine it's for the Mein Gott guru, and bow down in humble worship ... ("weird cult" still applies)