Saturday, January 15, 2022

In which the reptile tendency to a third eleven during the hols is cruelly revealed ...

 

 

The pond has faced many temptations ... such as the report on the beefy boofhead, prime Angus, and his latest doings ...

 


 

... but, as previously noted, the pond has been moonlighting as the Boris saga has unfolded, and last night some splendid entertainment unfolded, as Sky News host Nial Paterson began proceedings with hapless, bumbling, stumbling, tortured Security Minister Damian Hinds by asking if he'd care to apologise to the Queen.

What followed - it's here on YouTube for anyone who cares - was sublime comedy. Before watching, the pond didn't have the foggiest clue who this Hinds chappie was, but after it, the pond realised it had been in the presence of a stand-up comic master ...  the only tragedy being that John Crace wasn't available to write it up, instead settling for his weekly digest ...

That only left the pond with Marina Hyde to give an overview of the assorted booze ups ...

...And so to a recap of the latest. These two most recently exposed parties were both held at Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral, during lockdown last April. Probably the most eye-catching detail reported – beyond the impromptu DJ set, the basement dancing, the suitcase of wine wheeled in, the spills and stains on the carpets – was that one of the revellers apparently broke Wilfred Johnson’s garden swing. (Incidentally, if you take a tour of Graceland, you’re told that Elvis and his chums loved to shoot in the backyard, and are shown the bullet hole in Lisa Marie Presley’s kiddie slide. Fun times.) “What happened to my swing, Daddy?” “Buck up, little chap. Some press officer whose job is issuing denials but who currently thinks he deserves a Victoria Cross for coming into the office sat on it when he was drunk. Is it wet? Probably don’t touch it if it is.”
As for the rest of the-day-after-the-night-before … I was recently re-reading a bit in Tom Wolfe’s The Bonfire of the Vanities about a shame-haunted hangover, where the character has drowned his memory of the previous evening like a monstrous beast in an icy lake. And yet, the events begin returning to him. Perhaps it felt a bit like this for the Downing Street staff who attended those parties. “A ripple … The monster was heading up from the bottom of the lake! In a moment … Its filthy snout! Can’t face it –”
Well quite. Oh, God, the suitcase of booze. The attempt at body popping in the basement. Breaking the kid’s swing … Can’t face it. Switch on the telly, to take the old mind off it. Oh dear. Live footage of the 94-year-old Queen sitting utterly alone at her husband’s funeral. Christ, the snout on this hangover. The filthy snout …

Yes, the pond has seen the shoot-out site at Gracelands, and as for the filthy snout ... Niall had made much of the poor old Queen sitting alone to mourn the passing of her partner, and that left the pond with this Rowson ...

 




 

Yes, the pond is suddenly entranced by the flailing, failing bog swamp once known as the British empire, which is why the pond is about to break another rule ...

The pond has of late sworn off reptile stories about the Djoker ...

 


 

And in the same spirit, the pond had sworn off stories and arguments about the republic, but heck, who should the reptiles dig up this morning?



 

How could the pond resist Flinty, aaagh, me hearties ...

Back in the day Flinty strode across the pond like a behemoth, and the pond would routinely trot out its beloved old cartoons celebrating his piratical thoughts ...

 





It fair bought a tear to the eye, yes it did, g'uvnor, with a tug of the cap and a touch of the forelock ... and even better Flinty was short and sweet this day ...


 

Of course the pond isn't going to get into the argument, it's enough to celebrate Flinty's return to the reptiles ... and to note that the poor old biddy has been doing it tough of late, thanks to the deeds of her spawn ...



Could the pond have got it wrong?

Could the monarchy be worth keeping around for the sheer entertainment value? It's a lavish, expensive production, but the pond has been growing tired of what's on offer in movie la la land. 

Sure, the pond enjoyed the last episode of Jackson's Beatles doc, but that was only because the lads were at last allowed to act like a band up on the rooftop, and it was a splendid gig, turned more exuberant and funny by the deeds of the attendant plods ... (and yes, the dark, dire presence of Yoko did cast a pall even on that great bit of fun) ...

Sorry, sorry, the pond has wandered off, must finish with Flinty ...


 

Splendid stuff, and the pond had nothing to add, except perhaps a ceremonial flourish ...




And in keeping with ancient traditions, the reptiles also trotted out Bjorn, so that the pond could have a Bjorn-again day, up there with a Hillsong dance and singalong with that devious DJ Snake ... (watch out for the apple, or you'll end up a complimentary woman) ...



 

Indeed, indeed ... what's there to panic about? Oh sure they're always in a flap at the Graudian ...

 




But speaking of fifty, the pond reckons that 50.7 is just an average stab at a record. 

Why not aim for 55, could 60 be in reach? As the Djoker shows, the best athletes will do anything to topple a record ...

Sorry, sorry, on with the unflappable Bjorn-again moment ... and best of all it's short ...



Of course not, hundreds of millions of people will move about all over the place, and won't that be fun ...

Meanwhile, will the pond collect its usual winnings? 

You see, the pond has a standing bet, and always cleans up the house, much like the way it's never lost when it comes to a bet on prattling Polonius mentioning the ABC in every single column ...

With Bjorn, the standing bet is that he'll wave his magic wand, and announce that an investment in innovation is the solution to it all ... and waiter, please leave the pond's winnings at the door, apparently there's a virus doing the rounds ...



 

What a supremely predictable twit, or is that twat, as predictable as Polonius and the ABC, and once again the pond wondered why the allegedly climate science aware reptiles kept him around? Was it like the pond's sudden affection for the bog swamp of Empire?

Never mind, on to the bonus, and here the pond must become even more defensive.

Why a third rate mind like Gemma's as a bonus? 

The pond offers a number of mitigating factors: firstly, the likes of nattering "Ned" and the bromancer are clearly on hols. At the time the pond began writing it also couldn't see any sign of the Angelic one or our Gracie, standard pond fallbacks. 

And second, having folded on the republic and Bjorn, the pond is still desperately trying to avoid blather about the Djoker. And third, the pond has to save something for its Sunday meditation.

How could the pond bring forward prattling Polonius and leave the Sunday meditation as forlorn as a lonely shag on a rock?

So Gemma it must be, Gemma it is ...


 

It goes without saying that Gemma will pretty much miss the point about everything, but that's the point of the pointless pond, so on with the patented Gemma finger-pointing ...

 


 

Oh not a Muriel's Wedding joke.

What a feeble attempt to pander to the pond ...

Besides, we already have our new Bill, elevated beyond the local council on the Peter priniciple.

He happens to wear tradie gear and Sharkies outfits and such like, and is always having a barbie and passing the hose ... (needed when you burn down the backyard) ... and he couldn't organise a chook raffle in a chook yard, or think more than a poll ahead ...

 

 



The pond supposes it's good to dump on councils, as handy a way of avoiding the strollout man and Domicron. It's probably the best a third rate mind of the Gemma kind could muster ... but still, credit where credit is really due ...


 


 

 

No, the pond will never get tired of that one ... especially because Gemma, as a bonus, is rather tiring ...

 


 

Oh yes, we do indeed wonder. Who knew that councils were responsible for supply chain issues?

 


 

 

And so to the last short gobbet ...

 


 

The need for efficiency and simplicity? 

Ah yes ... perhaps even the efficiency of a simpleton to oversee the whole enchilada? Sorry, love, councils and cheese is off, will you settle for the big cheese?

 





9 comments:

  1. Dorothy - if I may be allowed a reference in passing to N*v*k D - there was loose comment about a supposed ‘survey’ through last week that purported to show that 83% of ‘Australians’ wanted to rescind Djokovic’s visa. Being curious about all kinds of alleged ‘surveys’, or, more particularly, those who commission them and those who provide them - I went seeking further information.

    The search engine of choice delivered, amongst others, a link to a video of Sky News. It being a quiet time even on ABC telly, I played the clip. The talking head started with reference to a survey in Western Australia conducted by Utting Research which showed that people there still thought highly of the Labor Party in that state. No doubt that will swing the other way as Peta, and the Dog Botherer return to regular service, telling the good folk of the great state in the west that their sacred freedoms have been trashed - and told in more direct ways than Ms Ton-yee-nee can manage.

    But - that wasn’t the survey I sought. Mr Smith, for Sky, then introduced a Teena McQueen, Federal vice-President of the Liberals, for comment.

    At that point he mentioned that - well, NewsPoll wasn’t up and running yet, but there were others, including the ‘survey’ this week that said 86% of Australians (number growing - or good memory is not an asset in a talking head on Sky) thought the tennis person should be run out of the country.

    Oh - at this point, I can ‘reveal’ that the survey with the bouncy figures was a ‘readers’ poll’ by Limited News - presumably one of the kind that requires no more than a click in one of two boxes - so hardly representative of ‘Australians’

    I played the clip out, and was treated to Ms Teena opinioning on other seats for coming state and federal elections. Including - Warringah. You know, the safe Liberal one that was represented by a secret Onion Muncher for about 20 years.

    With talking head Smith almost outdoing Ms Teena in praise of ScoMo, she clearly felt that she was just having a little chat with a friend. Her ‘honest’ opinion was that Warringah would be a tough seat to win back from Zali Steggall - not because Zali was any good as a member but because ‘there are some fruit loops down there’.

    Wonder how many Warringaians watch Sky? Great way to restore a seat to Liberal safety.

    It is entertaining - so I offer the (looooong) link - for entertainment, you understand.

    https://www.skynews.com.au/opinion/seat-of-warringah-a-tough-seat-to-win-back-from-zali-steggall/video/cef6da2c09c9ea715c79d610339a7c05


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    1. Most excellent research as usual Chadders, and the pond will even allow a link to demonic TV where Murdochian Satanists roam wild eyed, chanting freedumb ...

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  2. Poor Flinty, still has that dog turd stuck under his nose look.

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  3. Very nice work, Chad. Though entirely expected given who we're dealing with (and isn't it fascinating that although Little "Honest" Johnny's seat has been won back, the "secret onion-muncher's" seat is still in the hands of the fruit-loops, and may just stay that way.

    But otherwise a typical reptile Saturday in the off off-season: the mentally flabulous Flinty, the once Bjorn-again, and the Too-ninny. All of which just reinforces that Loonpond tribal wisdom: whatever the reptiles are for, sensible, rational people are against. And vice versa (kinda).

    So, Flinty just can't abide the thought of an elected Head Of State because that robs the wingnuts of a fine piece of wingnut welfare that they can hand out to 'mates'. And Bjorny - oh Bjorny - just wants to build sea-proof walls (how high will they be ?) around all the coastlines on the planet and reckons that all the plants and animals on Earth will develop technology and exercise "adaptation". And last - though not least because how can anybody be least in a group of identity-politicking reptiles - the tangible Too-ninny has a big problem with increasing the number of public forums in Australian politics - who could possibly want that ?

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  4. Oh my, two in one day: kleptoparasitism [ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleptoparasitism ] - a word for what I always thought of as just 'freeloading' - which some members of just about all species indulge in. But none work kleptoparasitism/freeloading like homo saps saps does. Consider the reptiles !

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  5. What ? Ben Doherty: "Tennis champion Novak Djokovic, who has been described as a risk to 'civil unrest' and a 'talisman of anti-vaccination sentiment'..."
    https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/15/novak-djokovic-visa-australian-minister-alex-hawke-says-risk-of-civil-unrest-behind-cancellation

    Risk to civil unrest ? Now I really am beginning to feel embarrassed...

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  6. The Queen's man, Effete Flinty,constantly rubbishes what he calls a Politicians"Republic.
    He goes to great lengths to falsely claim the Governor General is our Australian Head Of State.
    Effete apparently does not see the irony in that claim, it means we have a Politician's Monarchy. one politician only, The Prime Minister picks the latest fogie to be Governor General.
    His argument doesn't get past first base.
    Maybe it is time he does an Alan Jones and finds himself a much younger protege.

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  7. Sully - I started to respond to what you wrote, then realised that I simply did not understand what point Flinty was trying to make, other than 'Republic bad'. I assume his contributions do not cost Rupert a lot of money (I'm guessing they are offered voluntarily)

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    1. Interesting point, Chad, just how many of the 'Contributors' do it for nought but their ego 'gratification'.

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