In which the pond celebrates the bromancer doing a Piers, before moving on to the savvy Savva ...

 

The pond has had to do a lot of apologising of late.

The pond has steadfastly maintained that there's nothing to see in the latest iteration of the prince and the showgirl, and that it was best left to Marilyn Monroe and Sir Larry …

But yesterday there was a sublime moment when that inimitable clown Piers Morgan walked off set, and out of his ITV show.

The pond could imagine more sublime moments - the Bolter bolting, or Tucker ducking off, or Hannity huffing as he shuffled away - but these are Iagos, keen students of where their bread is buttered, while Morgan has always been a buffoon, a perfect illustration of the upwardly mobile Peter principle.

As usual, it was Marina Hyde that explained the pond's error in her inimitable way …  

...Perhaps the last truth some dare not speak about royal dysfunction is their own addiction to it. Speaking my own truth, I note I am writing another column about the drama – the second in three weeks. And for all the outrage yesterday, there was a sense of high excitement to many people’s engagement with the latest bombshells, as they condemned/supported the dramatis personae thrice hourly on social media. I was reminded of the woman I met in Windsor the day before Meghan and Harry’s wedding, who was one of those camping out to see the happy couple. “It’s terrible what they’ve done to her,” she fumed to me of the tabloids, three of which she had bought that morning and was working her outraged way through.There’s plenty of precedent here. Contrary to the pompous way in which it is often discussed, people loved the abdication crisis. The whole drama gave them quite the lift in otherwise depressing times. I’ve quoted a passage from Evelyn Waugh’s diaries here before, but let’s wheel it out again: “The Simpson crisis has been a great delight to everyone. At Maidie’s nursing home they report a pronounced turn for the better in all adult patients. There can seldom have been an event that has caused so much general delight and so little pain.”
The shock death of George VI was also luxuriated in, according to the Bloomsbury Group diarist Frances Partridge, who noted “bulletins of thunderous gravity and richly revelled-in emotional unbuttoning”.
“The whole effect is of ham acting,” she continued, “and a lot of nonsense is being talked about the relief necessary to our tortured feelings. What the public is feeling is a sense of great drama, not at all unpleasant.”
My own long-held belief is that a sense of great drama is what people truly want from the royal family. It’s not what people SAY they want, of course. People say they want dutiful ribbon-cutters who speak in platitudes, and only biannually. They say they want fist-gnawingly dull copy about how the Queen is wearing a brooch she wore on her honeymoon to this or that engagement, and what that might mean. They say they want 1,500 words of torpid and painfully uneventful bollocks about William and Kate boarding an easyJet flight. But what they really want is high drama, pure mess, grotesque villains and a side to take.

Incidentally the pond also learned that you could murder your wife and keep working at The Sun,  and that Britain's Society of Editors believed that the British press didn't have a racist bone in its corporate body… and that led the pond to this portrait of Tom Jones in the Daily Snail … sliming yet again on its path through the undergrowth, the snail killer as usual not doing its thing … when Jones revealed he might have some black ancestry in the mix ...

2015! But that's nothing, we had the lizard Oz all the go in 2016 … (here)

 

 

And that reminded the pond of the quaint way, up Tamworth way, that folks used to speak of a pond relative as having "a touch of the tar", because truly, Tamworth, and Australia, isn't a racist country in any way ... just ask the British Society of Editors ...  or perhaps in due course down below, the bromancer ...

So yes, there were some learning moments, and the pond apologises … and can now move on to today's reptile business, having finally got over that yearning for drama and hissing the villains and Piers Morgan, who like a snake who will be back in a new area of grass, and the Royals, and ... oh no, say what, the bromancer is doing a Piers!!??

 

 

The pond had expected the reptiles to be outraged at the creeping socialism, neigh communism, involved in that offering of a government freebie, as shameless an example of the government intervention in the marketplace as might be imagined, something to keep the reptiles up at night brooding about it all, and yet, what's this, there's the dreadful hussie at the top of the page with her "exotic" looks, or as they use to say in Australia, without a racist bone in their body,  "dusky maiden", and yet again the pond, with apologies, was compelled because surely here there would be addiction, high drama and villains to excoriate ...

 

A toxic assault on the west?

Oh for fuck's sake, what form of hysteria is that. Was Henry VIII a toxic assault on the west, or was he just writing a job application for The Sun?

As for the shot about the slums of Santa Barbara, the pond could run dozens of shots of the slums the Royals who stayed in race-free Britain are forced to live in, but why bother? We're hunting villains, and the reptiles are going to make a tabloid meal of it ... just like they do in the old country ...

 

Indeed, it is, and the bromancer will strenously avoid logic, facts, empathy and all the rest of it, while drumming up hysteria about celebrity culture, while feasting out on celebrity culture ... and never mind that it's as ancient as the hysteria about Ellen Terry and Lillie Langry, and the hysteria about silent movie stars, especially when they do a Fatty Arbuckle, perhaps as a job application for The Sun ... but now let us see how the reptiles manage to carry on, deploring celebrity culture, and yet having their Marie Antoinette cake and eating it too ...

 

The pond has only slipped that screen cap in - don't bother to click on it - to show the reptile mind at work.

But it gets even funnier in the next gobbet, because there's the bromancer deploring celebrity culture, and there's the editorial staff dining out like hogs on corn on celebrity snaps ... (the pond deleted all the links showing just how many hog-wild stories the reptiles had run about the pair, because it was just getting too Pythonish silly).

 

Yes, there's your celebrity culture, ruining the West, the lizard Oz, and the bromancer's piece, littered with the fear and loathing of the outsider that was a feature of Piers Morgan's ranting ... but wait, there's yet another video for you to enjoy, if only the pond hadn't done a screen cap and rendered it useless ...

Around this point the pond felt like a Steve Bell or two ...

 

And so on... you can follow Bell's version of the high drama here ... and now back to the bromancer, with some more shameless trading off ...

There's even more quotes from the "dusky maiden"? 

But surely that's ruining western civilisation, with its toxic attention to what black people might be saying or thinking? Why next thing you know, someone might point out the bleeding obvious to Piers and he might storm off the set and talk of being cancelled, though some might think the storming off was an act of self-cancelling (don't worry, bad pennies always keep on turning up).

 

And so concludes our very own Piers Morgan, deploring obsession, and affecting a complete disinterest in all the falderol, while at the same time churning out pap of the most meaningless kind, so that the lizards of Oz might decorate his Xmas tree of "racism, moi?" with videos, photos and quotes ...

Sheesh, only another Steve Bell will do, celebrating the finest the firm will offer in the future ...

And so with deep relief to other matters ... and this day there were the usual reptile obsessions on display ...

 

  

 

 

All standard stuff ... another woman exiting, and coal exiting, and yet the reptiles will have years and years to brood about Yallourn and dear, sweet, innocent, dinkum clean Oz coal, so the pond turned to its usual Thursday filler, the savvy Savva ...

 

 

 

 

By golly, that's cruel, even by the savvy Savva's standards. We're in Lord of the Flies territory, and we must kill assorted beasts to survive, while beefy Angus still roams the land, ruining whatever he touches? But do go on ...

 

 

Yes, yes, Meghan and Harry, how good and kind of them, ruining western civilisation, but in so doing, giving the bromancer some excellent copy, and the reptiles the chance to go hell for leather on tabloid clickbait down there with the Daily Snail ... but do go on, because the pond always enjoys medical condition dramas ...

 

 

 

Sorry, sorry, do go on ...

 

 

Timidity on climate change? But Meghan and Harry fly in jets, so there's climate science for you ... and as for quoting Julie Bishop? How cruel, how unkind, yet another woman ruining western civilisation ... (but always willing to stick up for asbestos). And now, courtesy of the savvy Savva, a toting of the tape, and a counting of the numbers ...

 

Shiver the pond's timbers. A tight election, no matter that the lizard Oz has done its very best to make it a stroll in the park?

Well there's only one thing to do. Batten down the hatches and finish with a Rowe, with more Rowe here as always ...