The reptile wars... chapter four ... (well do you really want to sit through the revenge of the Sith again?)

(Above: an earlier warning from a time when the evil emperor Ming the Merciless ruled the world).


Not so long ago in a bunker very, very close to the heart of hipster Surry Hills, it is a period of civil war.

Rebel columnists, striking from bases long cultivated within the empire, have lost their first battle against the evil galactic empire ruled by the ABC, Fairfax and Turnbullians.

During the battle, the rebels managed to steal secret plans to this empire's ultimate weapon, a form of filthy, vile soft-core liberalism, a soft-shelled wimpy sort of jelly fish with enough power in its tentacles to destroy an entire planet of stout-hearted conservatives ...

Pursued by the empire's sinister agents, Princess Bolter writes frantic columns urging steadfastness and defiance. As custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people from the ABC, Fairfax and the Turnbullians, Princess Bolter is perhaps the last hope to restore true fundamentalist hierarchical, patriarchal, ethnically pure structures to the galaxy, or at least Australia ...

As just recently reported in these pages, the empire has struck at the heart of the bunker by turning Paul Kelly into a quivering wreck, and only Princess Bolter's firm reproval has helped the rebels stand firm.

But the prescient Princess Bolter has spotted another traitor in the ranks of the once culturally pure and now the pond joins her in outing the traitor, once known in common parlance, because of his legalistic ways, as the dog botherer....

Well that's the pond's bit done for Disney, fuelling the current hysteria designed to part fools from their money and unite them with collectibles.

Now we may read on, and marvel at the fellow travelling treachery that so irritated the Bolter ...

It is - as the rebels and the empire struggle to attain supremacy - a long trudge and a burdensome, onerous, but for those who enjoy the reptile wars - we might yet get an ennealogy or a decalogy out of it, if we don't mind abusing Greek and English at one and the same time - it is a pure and innocent delight, with a couple of lines of pure comedy gold:

Oh so cruel, thrusting their headlines and their columns against them, but all's fair in reptile wars, but stay, is all the dog botherer doing establishing that the lizards of Oz are deep in their hearts part of the evil empire?

Even more astonishing, might the dog botherer, in his desperate attempt to placate the rebels, and bring them on side with the evil empire, call Rowan Dean an entertaining wit, as opposed to a prime doofus?

Uh huh. That must hurt.

But let us turn to another matter, that talk of Turnbull denialism, established in the very first sentence, and then later repeated, as the dog botherer cruelly pretends to know how the denialists feel in their grieving, in their sackcloth and ashes denialism.

It's well known that the Bolter abhors loose talk of denialism:

Shocking. Or maybe the Bolter doesn't mind using the word, provided it's in the right place at the right time:

Never mind, for a moment there, the pond was distracted by the canny Kenny at one and the same time abusing the denialists and yet yearning for lost hopes and dreams and a chance to teach the love media a good lesson, lost by that master fritterer of away of hope with flops, failures and knighthoods ...

But is the dark side of the force still strong in this one?

You see, the pond promised that the reptile wars would deliver much fun, and what could be funnier than "...unlike progressives, conservative commentators tend to stand on principle rather than indulge in partisan or personal cheerleading ..."

Because these past few weeks have been so elevated, so principled, so policy laden ...

You can't find comedy material like that just lying on the street, or if you do, you must pick it up and treasure it ... and so on we go, and now it's time for the chief loyalists to be accused of rampant, raging disloyalty.

Yes we could run the Python splitters routine yet again, but please, just imagine it ...

It's too much, it's too delicious.

Here we have the bog botherer calling out the Bolter and the Devine (as well as others) for calling Abbott's regime fatally flawed ...

And to add to the crime, to compound it, that's exactly what these rebels did as they urged on their fearless leader to be tougher, harder, sillier and more extreme, and to shout three word slogans to anyone who would listen ...

Well we already know the sullen rage with which the Bolter has greeted the dog botherer's smarmy call for unity and solidarity ... (t was reported in Kelly v. the Bolter) ... and now we can look forward to yet another chapter in this great civil war serial.

Who next? The Devine v the dog botherer?

The pond can only dream ...

Luckily,  Kathy Wilcox has prepared just the right cartoon to help the Bolter prepare his new columns with just the right tone for the new Turnbullian era (and more Wilcox here).