In which prattling Polonius unveils his strategy for helping the poor deal with climate change ...

(Above: a few Ludlam jokes for gamers to get the show on the road. Go Melbourne, and Junkee source here).


Plane spotting at Mascot and chauffeur duties led the pond to more important discoveries last night.

Now the pond has to confess shamefacedly to never having heard of Neil Breen before last night, but it seems the brave lad covers the Friday night dead beat for the vast Fairfaxian conspiracy known as 2GB, and he set scientific hearts aflutter by pronouncing climate science dead.

Stone cold dead, killed, not a pulse, not a flicker, and anyone who thought otherwise was apparently in the grip of a serious delusion ...

Naturally the Bolter was present to sagely advise that the whole point of climate science was to increase, enlarge, enhance the size of world government.

Inter alia, the pair also waxed rhapsodic about a deep love for that tough and hard man, Tony Abbott.

Now the pond has nothing against a hard man - sometimes a hard man, a firm, one might say, rigid man can be a most satisfying aspect of life - but the way that Neil Breen and the Bolter carried on about their hard man made the pond realise that the sooner the marriage laws in this country are improved, the better for all concerned. Uxoriousness should be legitimately consummated.

Of course Breen had the difficult business of building and holding the attention of punters expecting the talk to shift soon to the nags, while completely destroying climate science in a nanosecond - yes, but who's the favourite for the second race at Wilcannia - and the Bolter resolutely refused to show any interest in having a punt, revealing a prissy, spoilsport side to this man of the people ... as if a love of a decent red, Tim Storrier and a decent operatic death scene weren't clues enough that in private he's a preening ponce of the first water.

So the Bolter suggested that Breen lay off his tips on him, and given that Breen had utterly destroyed climate science in a nanosecond, that was probably for the  best.

Now some grumps might suggest that Breen is just a Friday night filler, a wannabe Steve Price, a lightweight fop in the Fordham school, an aspirational Chris Smith, with dreams of Hadders and the parrot way out of sight, and it is true that as a scientist, he sounded sometimes like he was just to the north of Fuckwit Station, but the pond was entranced, as the planes taxied back and forth on the runway, and the gigantic apartment blocks took to the air ...

Never had the pond heard such comedy stylings; never had the pond had such solid evidence for its controversial theory that the Bolter is at work at Fairfax as an undercover Kingsman, a covert agent in the vast Fairfax conspiracy designed to turn the world leftist as result of observing richly satirical and ironic comedy routines performed by right wing ratbags ...

No wonder the Murdochians are worried by this fiendish plot, given how much they invested in nurturing the Bolter, as recorded at Crikey a few months ago, and now outside the paywall in News Corp loses its shirt on Bolt's heavily subsidised career.

But enough of double agent comedy routines, because as always on a Saturday, the pond has important fish to fry with the serious side of the reptile empire, and what joy to see prattling Polonius emerge on the side of the hard man (yes Polonius also loves a hard man), and point out the importance of dinkum Aussie coal, coal, coal for the woorrrllldddd ....

Now Polonius is well known for his concern for the world's poor, and it must be said right at the start that his concern for the world's poor has absolutely nothing to do with making a decent living selling them coal so that Aussies can get some cash in the paw ... and the world can enjoy the quality of life much appreciated by the citizens of Morwell and others experiencing the delights of brown coal in beautiful Gippsland ...

Indeed, the pond is expecting a missive from Polonius shortly on the enormous benefits to the Indonesian poor of the current burn-off, quietening the fears of alarmists scribbling pieces such as Indonesia nears state of emergency as Earth's largest wildfire blazes out of control.

Why should anyone worry about modern farming practices?

But hey ho, hey nonny no, it's on to the matter of coal for the woorrrllldddd ...

Now the pond was devastated to be told recently that some can't be bothered reading these carefully curated gobbets - and indeed there are many other ways to profitably fill in the day, like picking lice from hair or cutting nails or simply gazing off into the distance -  so perhaps the pond should transcribe and decode what Polonius is on about.

It will be noted that Polonius discreetly says "It's unusual for a group of Australians to write to the leaders of foreign countries urging them to act in a manner in conflict with the expressed views of the Australian government and opposition alike."

Astute decipherers will wonder if perhaps this is a covert reference to rats in the ranks, perhaps treacherous traitors acting against the national interest, quislings and internationalists, lickspittle fellow travellers, up there - or perhaps down - with Pig Iron Bob sending pig iron off to Japan. Talk about betraying the national interest ...

Never mind, such is Polonius's love, admiration and awe for coal that it leads him to attack this most unusual group and their most unusual way of communicating with world leaders.

They must be named and shamed and mocked, as befits all quislings and fellow travellers, who dare speak out against the expressed views of the Australian government and opposition alike ... because if there are two alike peas in a pod, why then everybody should look and act like peas in a pod ...

Or be a dum or a dee Tweedle if you will ...

Oh we thought we'd throw in that delightful John Tenniel illustration for Alice because, gobbet alert, we now must turn to Polonius abusing the unusual wretches who dared to sign their unusual letter and so incurred the righteous wrath of that prattling polonial pea in a pod.

Naturally it's all the fault of Australian taxpayers:

Now for those who resolutely refuse to read these carefully curated gobbets, let it be noted that the entire reason the world suffers is because of the professional classes and tertiary education and remote, removed, alienated people who know nothing of the land, or the splendid benefits coal mining has produced for the landscape of the Hunter Valley ...

Oh indeed, if only the entire country could be improved like that ...

Now everyone may trust what prattling Polonius said ... why, after all, he's a member of the professional class, with a tertiary education and an office in the heart of Sydney's CBD, and so is eminently qualified ... and at least once a week he drives up to the Hunter Valley to marvel at its wonders and to get down and dirty in a mine, and shift some of that coal ...

Now pedants might point out that Polonius is curiously silent on how billions of people might deal with the effects and impacts of climate change ...

Oh dear, did that pond header In which prattling Polonius unveils his strategy for helping the poor deal with climate change mislead anyone?

Welcome to the world of the Murdochian click baiters.

These hapless wretches also probably forgot that between them, Neil Breen and the Bolter had already pronounced climate science as dead as the venerable dodo ... and so there was nothing for Polonius to worry about ...

And so what the world needs is dinkum Aussie coal ... and shush, everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds ... and the poor may enjoy coal, coal, coal for decades to come, thanks be unto Malware and a copper universe ... (Remember gamers it's never got better than the Commodore 64).

Meanwhile, how happy are we that Pope was on hand to join Polonius in mocking a footballer for daring to speak out. Why the popinjay is just as rude and as offensive as actors and members of the y'artz daring to speak out ...

Fancy daring to have an opinion ... or even more shocking, and anti-democratic, to express it ...

Back into your pods people, and for love of hard men everywhere and the sake of coal,  for heaven's sake, try to look like a Polonius-approved pea ... (and more Pope here, fig leaf done to approved polonial specifications).