In which the pond takes a look at weird tentacled aliens and other science fiction thanks to Dame Slap and Miranda the Devine ...

(Above: you might think this was found on Facebook, but the pond swears blind it was found on the new drone pad installed out the back where the garage used to be).

The drones are joining Skynet? How much longer before the much yearned for revolution takes place, sister machines?

In the interim, of course, the drones have to make do with joining News Corp and working for Chairman Rupert.

Speaking of drones, it's a measure of just how low the Abbott government has sunk that this week that Janet - Dame Slap to you - Albrechtsen this week gives up defending the follies, and instead drifts into a bizarre anti-PC reverie, which involves a yearning for the 1970s.

Truly amazing.

You can always measure the level of delusionalism in conservatives by their yearning for a "golden age" when by definition things were much better, kids were much more resilient, life was tough in a Spartan moral, Boy Scouts' and Girl Guides' way, and we all got up at 4 am from our cardboard box beside road to go down mine with a cheerful smile, to put in another 26 hour day ...

It was a time when, if a kid annoyed you at school, you annoyed the kid right back, instead of branding it bullying, because that legal goldmine had not been discovered. And when a kid fell over, the kid got back up instead of being scooped up by a parent hovering over their little princess in the playground. It was more a case of "Dry your eyes, princess"

Indeed and when someone king hits you in the street today, and kills you, why you just bounce back up on your feet, and king hit them, and hopefully their head will hit the ground the same way yours did, and you'll kill them ...

What's the bet that Dame Slap was in her salad days a right old Ja'ime? (An insult about as extreme as the pond can muster given the quality of the comedy).

I'm not bullying the shit out of you, as I grind you into the ground and pummel, I'm just annoying you a little, and you're too gutless and weak to take it ...

What, you went and killed yourself? Why what a sensitive over-the-top reaction, you hopelessly precious petal ...

Perhaps that's the true appeal of sledging at least for those not infected by the PC virus. It harks back to a time that encouraged resilience, not fragility. It may have done so unwittingly, but that doesn't make it any less instructive - and worth praising.

Yep, and so the Murdochians can keep up the bullying hate fest and the relentless incessant shrieking sledging, and keep on belting the shit out of lefties, greenies, pussies, feminists, ABC cardigan wearers, fibre tech heads, climate scientists involved in a vast UN conspiracy, and so on and so forth ...

Look, all the pond can do is recommend the comedy stylings on offer, in Cricket's verbal biff sign of resilient time, which will reward connoisseurs with the elementary skills required to avoid lizard Oz's paywall.

This surely will be enough of an inducement. Dame Slap on cricket sledging:

Because humour can disarm and distract, witty banter has always been the most devastating.

Dame Slap's prime example of witty banter, and disarming, distracting humour?

Australia captain Michael Clarke warned England fast bowler James Anderson to "get ready for a f . . king broken arm"

Oh dear, she can't even spell "fucking" but how grand to see that Aunty Jack has at last come back on her motorbike to save the day ...

It seems that it was just a bit of bad luck one of the lads verbally dusted up one of those weakling pussy English cricketers, the weak fucking prick, and got into trouble just because the weak fucking prick was battling some personal demons. What a loser, what a dropkick.

Now where's someone the pond can king hit while as pissed as a parrot?

Oh the Murdoch style is catching, wot wot? Bullying? Never! No, never! It's just the pond being resilient in the face of relentless fuckwittery ...

You see, that's next week's column lined up. How deplorable it is that we've all lost control of ourselves and fail to act with suitable gentility and decorum, and use vile words in public discussion, not like it was in the 1970s in Toorak and South Yarra. (And if you believe that, you've never tried to get a collar a space in the Toorak supermarket car park ...)

Meanwhile, things must be getting a little tricky when even the ponderous Paul Kelly - not the singer but the ghost of pompous journalism past that haunts the pages of the Oz like the ghost of Scrooge - can raise a cautious tut tut:

A gyrating poodle Pyne sending tremors through the land? But, but, but, billy goat, he was just giving all those bloody PC types a bloody good dust up ...

If you can be bothered to read The real story behind the Gonski train wreck, it is, remarkably the story of a train wreck wreaked by shallow, incapable, incompetent politicians ... Tony Abbott and Christopher Pyne ... and amazingly it doesn't blame the train wreck on the ABC.

Meanwhile, hearts are all aflutter about Australia dropping down the international charts in terms of educational standards, when the solution is there for all to see. Every high school student must do a course in first year, let's call it 101 sledging and bullying for Australia. There'll be no looking back ... henceforth the twenty tweens will be known as the new 1970s. Because? Well because Murdochians live in a dream-like past ...

Speaking of droning bullies of the basest kind and blaming the ABC, happily Miranda the Devine is out and about today in the Daily Terror.

Yep, it's time, for the billionth squillionth time for those treacherous, traitorous cardigan wearers at the ABC to be given a solid bullying and with a bit of luck a broken arm, and that's just for starters, until we get on to a king hit:

It's moments like this that the pond has to go out and king hit a telephone pole to regain a grasp on reality.

Right at the moment, the howling media mob known as the Murdoch press claims it can reach 65% of the Australian market. In radio, the ABC generates respectable figures, but commercial radio is by far the dominant force. Here you go, take a look at some of the 2013 ratings. Why what a grand 0.1% RN scored amongst the 18-24s (oh okay, it did hit 4.2 for the +65)

As for TV, the reality is that the ABC is only third because the Ten board and management are totally hopeless, but even then it's way behind the dominant forces of Nine and Seven.

Yet it's part of the demonic ranting of Miranda the Devine - who, it has to be said, shows all the pathological craziness and ideological zealotry that is such a feature of Cory Bernardi's world view - to demonise the ABC as the leader of a howling mob up there with the torch and pitchfork brigade in Frankenstein.

As if the Abbott government hadn't done a single thing to fuck things up.

It's beyond the valley of the delusional, but that's where you must go if you read the Devine.

What's even more bizarre is that today she has two stabs at it:

No, not Miranda Kerr, she's just trying to make a living, the crazy paranoid one below, getting worried about the enormous beast with tentacles across the internet.

This sort of thing:

What's the bet that in quiet moments at home, the Devine secretly, furtively reads tentacle porn, strange stories of alien beasts coming through the internet tubes to molest her, and do immense harm to the children?

There is some good news. Biased ABC leads a howling media mob is safely locked behind the Terror's paywall. 

Well it's not so safe of course, because a child of ten could get around it, but then children aged ten have got better things to do. Like join Dame Slap in a cheerful bout of cruel bullying ...

Let's just pluck a highlight from it, like a crow pecking at the eye of a sweet, innocent lamb, a hapless lamb fearful of those vicious ABC bullies doing their black crow routines:

...when Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi launched a scathing attack on the ABC in the Coalition party room yesterday, he was reflecting the opinion not only of his party's conservative base but of the bulk of his parliamentary colleagues. 

The applause he received was a pointed rebuke to his old foe, Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull, who continues to defend the national broadcaster. 

"I'm concerned because it's not our ABC, it's not my ABC, it's 'their' ABC," Bernardi said. "It's a taxpayer-funded behemoth that is cannibalising commercial media while spreading a message that ignores the majority views of Australians." 

Bernardi told colleagues he does not advocate privatising the ABC since it has a role to play in regional communities. 

But the national broadcaster "no longer complies with its charter of fairness and balance. "It is politically biased, regularly unfair and has priorities completely at odds with its raison d'être,'' he said.

"Gone are the days when it simply operated TV and radio services. It has a massive online presence providing at taxpayers expense what commercial media operations need to charge for, four television channels and who knows how many radio licences. 

"It is out of control and needs to be reined in. It needs to be broken up and returned to its primary purpose rather than the engorged propaganda unit it has become." 

Bernardi is on the backbench because he was marginalised by many in his own party before the election for refusing to maintain a safe, politically correct line. Turnbull particularly targeted him because Bernardi led the revolt against the ETS which ended his leadership and launched Abbott. 

Now Bernardi is leading the conservative revolt against the ABC, and again he is on the right side of history.

Bernardi was of course marginalised and sidelined because he was a barking mad extremist on too many issues to list here, because frankly we haven't got the time or the space, and the intertubes is already full to overflowing.

But it's compelling that the barking mad Bernardi now has a mouthpiece in the shape of the barking mad Devine, ready to regurgitate his bile at the drop of a hat.

Speaking of sci fi and horror, she's channeling him like one of those psychics who get possessed by demons and are found to be in need of an exorcist.

As for The ABC's evil plan to get tentacles into kids, also behind the really dumb Terror paywall, you cop some rich, fruity, barking mad, black helicopters, and vast conspiracy nonsense which makes Tony Perkins in Psycho seem quite well-balanced and adjusted:

The ABC is an enormous beast, with tentacles stretching across the internet and digital TV at a time when other media organisations are struggling to survive. 
 Its success at enforcing the narrow groupthink of the Left cannot be over-estimated, and not just on obvious flagship programs such as QandA. 
 Take its controversial education show Behind The News, watched by more than one million unsuspecting children each week. 
 With a cheery youth-friendly style, it promotes the soft-left line on everything from asylum seekers to gender equality to big government spending.

Oh won't someone think of the hapless unsuspecting children.

One of the show's crimes?

Why do a Paul Kelly on the Gonski affair.

Clearly Kelly was a sleeper, long ago infused with leftist propaganda by The Argonauts Club, and only now has he been released to stalk the land.

It's a short rant for the paranoid Devine, but it concludes this way:

Subtle propaganda to children is all part of the ABC's long march.

Eek, the Maoists are on a long march.

Actually it's going to be a long hard row for the ABC to hoe in the next few months, as the relentless drones at News Corp crank up the hysteria to way beyond 11, with Cory Bernardi leading the charge to get the ABC offline, because that's how dumb luddites think ...

Bernardi wants to turn back time even further than Dame Slap, back to Blue Hills and men tapping with pencils to imitate the sound of cricket balls striking bat. Egad Sir, none of that modern digital stuff, if you please.

Barking mad.

But this relentless campaign by the barking mad, the tentacled Murdochians, the howling media mob who love bullies and bullying, will culminate in the first budget of the Abbott government, where the ABC will have its wings clipped.

Oh it will be dressed up as sharing the pain, and everybody suffering, and we must tighten the belt, because we're in a budget emergency, except when we're increasing the debt limit or flinging around a billion or two because we mucked up the Gonski affair.

Of course the Devine attacking the entirety of the ABC's output because she takes offence and a gate at one children's television program is grotesque and unfair ... but that's because News Corp itself is a monolith beehive culture, right out of  The X-Files, paranoid and alien, and full of strange creatures all buzzing in unison to the thought waves emanating from the master of the hive ...

Sound a little weird?

(Above: yes cult lovers, the first two are Children of the Damned, the third The X-Files wanting to believe, or if you believe the Devine, children who've watched too much on the ABC or perhaps Spongepants Bob, another deviant with all that humbug stuff about getting along and loving one another. Pathetic)

But then, think about it, just how weird is this?

The ABC is an enormous beast, with tentacles stretching across the internet and digital TV at a time when other media organisations are struggling to survive. 

And now they're coming to get the children ...

After you've been through this sort of nonsense, where to turn? How to regain a grasp on reality?

How to remind yourself that propagandists are most zealous about propaganda, because deep down they're up there with Stalin, seeking to bring enemy media to heel with a jackboot, to silence alternative voices, to erase memory?

Forget it Jake, in the land of science fiction and Murdochians know how to do it, urging us all back to the 1970s, or screaming in fear at tentacles.

Remind us Mr Pope, give us a sci fi blast from the past, and it should now almost go without saying, more great Popery here: