Peter Costello, and another bout of whiffling, leering, snorting, taunting, sniggering, scoffing and derisive gibes ...

(Above: spot the difference).

Thus far by rigorously avoiding television I've managed to avoid at least ninety nine per cent of political advertising, and so achieved some kind of mental stability in an especially difficult time where the squawking on the pond can become unendurable.

The idea that a thirty second attack ad might contain truth - like a koan - is on the outer fringes of delusion, so it's off to see the SSO tonight doing over Beethoven. It'll mean missing the few genuine political comedies to hand, seeing the Gruen Nation cannibalistically feast on its own, and watching the Chaser lads get out the baseball bat in 'No we can't Canberra', but I'm up for the sacrifice.

But what about the commentariat commentators that litter the digital world like kitty litter full of cat droppings? How to avoid them? What compels me to click on them and then reel away nauseous? Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

A dung beetle, for example, does more genuine work and offers more genuine insights than reading that smirking Cheshire cat of politics Peter Costello.

For the sake of the long absent lord, when will his insolent, scornful, offensive smugness disappear from view? How is it that he waves his bony finger, stopping wedding guests in their tracks, so that they spend five minutes of their happy lives - five minutes they'll never get back - reading drivel like Don't blame Latham for highlighting home truths.

Reading Costello reminds us of why we're attracted to the notion of the Earl of Chesterfield scribbling to his son A constant smirk upon the face, and a whifling activity of the body, are strong indications of futility. (here)

Whifling! Now there's a word to conjure with, though the dictionary favours two 'f's':

Whiffle \Whif"fle\, v. i. [imp. & p. p. Whiffled; p. pr. & vb.n. Whiffling.] [Freq. of whiff to puff, perhaps influenced by D. weifelen to waver.][1913 Webster]

1. To waver, or shake, as if moved by gusts of wind; to shift, turn, or veer about. --Dampier.
[1913 Webster]

2. To change from one opinion or course to another; to use evasions; to prevaricate; to be fickle.[1913 Webster]

A person of whiffing and unsteady turn of mind can not keep close to a point of controversy. --I. Watts. [1913 Webster] (here)

Oh okay, ya got me, of course I was avoiding scribbling about that wretched pompous smirkative whiffler Costello, much given to fleering:

fleer (flîr)
intr.v. fleered, fleer·ing, fleers
To smirk or laugh in contempt or derision.
n.
A taunting, scoffing, or derisive look or gibe. (Middle English flerien, of Scandinavian origin)

O possum if only you could see me now, pathetically scribbling columns soon to become digital compost, and not even useful enough to wrap fish and chips.

Oh dear, did that sound fleering? Let's get on to the master of fleer:

In a dull campaign, Mark Latham's report on 60 Minutes was one of the more interesting. I know the media canned it. Before it aired, Laurie Oakes told us Latham had "crossed a line". Nothing upsets journalists more than the idea that outsiders can do their job.

Actually, though there's no point in berating a goose for being a goose, what a lot of people objected to was the spectacle of a former politician urging people to abuse the right to vote by leaving their ballot paper blank.

Latham resembles a truculent adolescent in many respects, and scrawling ''f––k youse all'' on a voting paper is exactly the kind of thing you can see an angry 15-year-old doing. (Latham's blank vote blather from mouth of truculent teen)

If only because many people would have voted for Latham, and only now realised they dodged a most peculiar bullet, while others will have voted for Costello, and now realise they shot themselves in the foot (which isn't as bad as the temple but still painful enough).

Of course Costello, resolutely blinkered in his blithering, doesn't go there right away. Instead he takes the path easily travelled and myopically trodden:

Who knows where that could end? The public might realise there is nothing special about the insights of political journalists - a group of people who consider themselves expert on something they have never done.

Every so often a journalist chances their arm in real politics. Maxine McKew is one. Her underwhelming parliamentary career shows how much harder it is to do than it is to pontificate.

Let's re-phrase that:

Who knows where that could end? The public might realise there is nothing special about the insights of humbugging politicians - a group of people who consider themselves expert on buggering up the place and then boasting how they've done it, especially the ones who trained to be lawyers and then think that qualifies them as some kind of expert in economics.

Every so often a politician chances their arm in real newspaper scribbling. Peter Costello is one. His underwhelming journalist career shows how much easier it is to pontificate in the media about buggering up a democracy than it is to pontificate in parliament while actually buggering up a democracy.

But of course this is all a detour before the smirking slipper sinks in the foot:

Latham had no new insight on the two party leaders and it was stretching things to think Pauline Hanson was relevant.

Yes, no new insight and so therefore one of the more interesting contributions to the campaign. QED Costello logic.

Of course what Costello really means to say is that Latham was once the leader of the opposition, before he had a breakdown and the Labor party regretted its lack of funding for mental health:

But Latham was revealing about himself. We could write him off as a madman but let us remember that Labor convinced 5½ million Australians to vote for him to be prime minister two elections ago.

Well they didn't convince me, but thankfully neither did Howard or that smirking Cheshire cat Costello, and every word he now scribbles convinces me he's just as barking mad and spiteful as Latham, in his own preening "never ever ever to be Prime Minister" "epic fail" bitter way.

You can read the rest of the tosser if you like. It's all about how Julia Gillard was in bed with Latham, which only reminded me of how Abbott was in bed with Costello and what a fine comedy duo that made, and if you want an example of Costello's judgement, he believes Abbott would make a good prime minister.

But what about such aberrations as John Hewson, who sounds human on the Gruen Nation, while only the long absent Jesus could imagine Costello doing the same?

Latham is no John Hewson, who joined his party shortly before nominating for preselection.

What on earth does that mean?

He (Latham) was practically born to Labor. When his family needed help, the local Labor branch took up a collection. After university he went to work for Gough Whitlam.

What are we to make of Malcolm Fraser then? Born in Toorak to a family involved in politics and the pastoral industry, after detouring to university, he contested the seat of Wannon in 1954, losing by 17 votes, only to win Wannon the next year, so becoming the youngest member of the House of Representatives at the age of 25. He was practically born to the Liberal party.

Later he (Latham) took over his seat. Until he resigned, one way or another he had been employed by the Labor Party for all his adult life. And how is he voting on Saturday? Informal.

And Fraser is no longer a member of the Liberal party and who knows how he might vote on Saturday. One suspects not for the Liberal party. (and for more on Fraser, here).

What the heck do these scribbles mean? Do they pass as insights? Or are they simply factoid idiocy?

Never mind, Costello seems to think that voting informal is the best way forward for those in a state of despair:

There must be a lot of Labor stalwarts doing the same (voting informal), or voting Green, because Labor's primary vote is at 38 per cent. Last election it was 43.3 per cent. About 700,000 voters have left in three years. If Labor is re-elected, it will be on Green preferences. In fact the election is being fought between two coalitions - the Liberal-National one and the Labor-Green one. The Greens will deliver more votes to their coalition partners than the Nationals will to theirs.

Yes, it seems that the prophet who left the tent is blessed with a peculiar insight, well worth Costello's endorsement:

Latham is a high profile example of a wider disillusion with Labor. He puts it down to stage-managed campaigns and "spin". Another word is insincerity. Gillard has a robotic ability to repeat a phrase, but there is no evidence she cares whether it is accurate. She never deviates from the line - especially not for the facts. Few journalists take her up on detail. They care more about reporting tactics than policy. It is easier for them to go after people who say interesting or unexpected things.

Costello quoting the madman Latham approvingly. Making two madmen together as one ...

Which means our humble smirking scribe can scribble the truth like a seer born to it:

Latham knows Gillard well. He knows she is being manufactured for the campaign. A lot of Labor's heartland thinks the same. Climate change got one mention in the closing seconds of Labor's election launch. That's because Labor no longer thinks the issue is politically useful.

Yep, it's at that point, when no mention is made of Tony "climate change is crap" Abbott that I decided to change channels. You know, before I could get to the usual crap about Gillard as the warrior of the Victorian Socialist Left and what a wonderful economic manager Tony Abbott will make.

Because when all you do is speak out of one side of your mouth, your face ends up with a permanent twisted smirk or leer.

Surprisingly, after leaving Costello's la la land of relentless spite and spleen, as expected from the man who would have been king, but lacked the guts for it, I landed on Peter Van Onselen's Tony Abbott's economic action plan doesn't add up.

To borrow Paul Keating's line, it is a case of voodoo economics. It contains complaints about overstated levels of debt as well as promises the Coalition would rapidly repay debt, but with simultaneous large-scale spending commitments.

Frankly, it reads like the kind of policy script a political party releases when it doesn't think that it will have to implement it. Only at this election there is a real chance Abbott will have to implement his economic action plan -- that is how close the election remains with just a few days to go.

Oops, he'd better watch out, scribbling without spin about the way things are ... how soon before the editor of The Oz knocks on the door, and asks him to step outside the conformist tent?

Not to worry. Thanks to Mark Latham and Peter Costello I'll be voting, and I'll be making a vote that counts. Sure whoever I vote for, a politician will win, but they'll only get my vote if they sign a pledge that once they've left politics, they'll shut the fuck up and disappear from view and have nothing to do with the media.

Instead of cutting woeful figures like Latham and Costello, and what a pretty pair of prejudiced jaundiced ponces they make.

Enough of cheshire cats. Away to the kitty litter with you and soil that instead of the media ...

(Below: surely by now you can see the resemblance?)