Gloria Jeans, Hillsong, and the 43 bean virtuous circle of Christians doing business ...

(Above: that's not coffee, that's either instant American crap or an advertising campaign designed to produce nostalgia, and there's plenty more where that came from).

It almost goes without saying that here on the pond we'd rather drink a heady mix of ripened yak butter and the urine of cats than soil our lips with a coffee from Gloria Jeans.

Partly of course this is pure affectation and snobbery. After all there's not much point in being part of a chattering chardonnay swilling inner western elite if you can't show off simple pure snobbery with which to rile the masses.

Partly it's the genuine incontrovertible scientifically based research that established years ago that Americans don't have the first clue about coffee, and any coffee designed to suit the taste buds of Americans has the pure distilled precious bodily fluid essence of soapy water (using a cheap bulk home brand liquid detergent for the mix).

If anything is proof that domination of the world doesn't result in civilisation, drink a coffee made in the United States, then race quickly across to France or Italy and drink a comparative coffee. Despair then bliss. Caution: do not stop in England - this could be fatal, and also suggest to you why empires should fall.

And partly it has to be said, the fact that Gloria Jeans coffee is tangled up with Hillsong might have something to do with it. If you know nothing of Hillsong, continue on your blissful ignorant way. We won't contaminate the ignorance - no need to send possible disciples the way of either Hillsong or Scientology.

But if you have heard of clap happy Hillsong you'll know why I paused to get a genuine coffee, and then indulged in the sheer blissful pleasure of forty three and five sixths beans in every cup while reading Gloria Jeans owner is insolvent, court told.

Yes, before we knew that 42 beans was the real answer, and 666 beans a sign of trouble, the pure sip of nostalgia, because there's nothing like reading about principled, ethical Christians doing business.

And not just doling out the coffee, but also in the matter of Mercy Ministry:

In December, Mr Irvine and fellow Mercy Ministry directors admitted engaging in false, misleading and deceptive conduct following an Australian Competition and Consumer Commission investigation into the practices of the Hillsong-connected organisation. They were required to pay $1050 and apologise to each person affected by Mercy Ministries' conduct, all young women with mental health and drug and alcohol problems.

Say what?

Well there's no point in going into the details of the current affair, not when you can head off to Western Export Services Inc. v Jireh International Pty Limited (2010) NSWSC 622 for a little light reading in the matter of contracts and the law, as supervised by Justice J Hammerschlag in the NSW Supreme Court, or sundry newspaper reports on the matter.

I did like some of the snippets. Such as this comment by the learned Justice on a conversation:

231 Mr Saleh’s affidavit does refer to an undated alleged conversation (not communicated to WES) between him and Mr Irvine before the Letter Agreement was signed, to the following effect:
IRVINE: I still don’t see why we need to have this agreement and to execute it?
SALEH: Peter, this is not a binding agreement. It is the foundation of a working relationship going forward. I am comfortable with David and Stephen. We can review it afterwards and on an on-going basis.
232 I am not satisfied that this conversation occurred. What was allegedly said is inconsistent with the outward behaviour of both.

And this on the matter of a contract:

243 In my view the parties clearly acted on the basis that there was a contract (until Jireh denied it).

244 There can be little doubt that Jireh received and continues to receive the significant benefit of WES’ contribution and assistance during the formative years of the enterprise. The commercial unconscientiousness of Jireh’s denial of a contract is stark because it only came once the enterprise had become a significant commercial one.

What was that the long absent lord said about camels and needles and rich folk and heaven?

Better shave the percentage, treat a contract as a work in progress and live well while you can hey ...

Meanwhile, you can always amuse yourself by reading Gloria Jeans, Starbucks coffee concoctions packed with sugar, fat:

The two best-known coffee chains are selling drinks with more than 100 per cent of the recommended intake of sugar or saturated fat - and 800 times the kilojoules of a long black - but customers have no idea because both are failing in their policies for providing dietary information.

The revelations come as international research shows daily consumption of any of nearly 100 menu items sold by Gloria Jeans and Starbucks can lead to gaining almost 10kg a year.

Christianity connected with the obesity epidemic?

* A REGULAR-size Gloria Jeans Mocha Chiller Coco Loco packs 95.5g of sugar, which is 106 per cent of an adult's recommended daily intake. A large has 129g of sugar, or 143 per cent of the RDI;

* A LARGE Gloria Jeans iced chocolate with whipped cream has 3260kJ - the same as 815 long blacks. It would take more than three hours of bike-riding to use up this amount of energy.

You can see a virtuous circle at work here. Get troubled young women fat and so even more mentally disturbed about their body image, pack them off to Mercy Ministries for treatment with bible studies and exorcisms (Hillsong Church, Gloria Jeans linked to abuse claims), and then send them along to Hillsong for a clap happy singalong, provided they leave a generous tip on the plate.

Hey you, piker, we said generous!

Waiter, bring me that super size heady mix of ripe yak butter and urine of cats.

I feel a toast coming on as we celebrate yet another great business plan to improve life on earth ...

(Below: and now for an inconsequential series of images on the theme of coffee. Get wired the Christian way with an addictive stimulant more deadly and dangerous than speed).