Miranda the Devine, and how reading a conservative column is roughly equivalent to snorting crack or cocaine ...

(Above: a screen grab showing how to deplore lip smacking sensationalism ... by indulging in lip smacking sensationalism).

After reading Jon Lee Anderson's compelling but depressing After the Crackdown in The New Yorker, I got to brooding in the usual way about conservatives, and the conservative strain, and how as a virus it strikes people, often of a religious persuasion, world wide.

No doubt in Iran there are any number of conservative commentators of the Miranda the Devine kind scribbling furiously about inner city elites, the young, the indolent and their wicked ways:

The demonstrations, in his (an Iranian friend's) view, had as much to do with social class as they did with politics. Mousavi’s and Karroubi’s voters in the Green Movement were largely middle or upper class. The soldiers and the Basij who attacked them were for the most part Ahmadinejad voters, drawn, like the President himself, from the less privileged majority of the city’s population, based predominately in the south of the city. The Green Movement’s ability to put significant numbers of protesters—estimates range from hundreds of thousands to three million—onto Tehran’s streets sometimes created the impression that they represented a majority in the country. “They were wrong,” my friend said. “And their leaders misunderestimated—to paraphrase your former President Bush—just how savage the regime could be.” Adopting a mocking tone of voice, he added, “ ‘What, you thought that with your vote you’d get change? That you actually had a choice?’ ”” A friend of his had been detained and released after agreeing to sign a statement of repentance. “His interrogator told him, ‘This time you have no choice. You either submit or I’ll ram this stick up your ass. That’s your choice.’ ”

The hapless Iranian Green Movement has something of the quality of western secularist thinking, widely reviled by religionistas in western democracies for bringing down the intimate link between faith and politics:

In the cherry orchard, the Green Movement men were joined by their wives. One of the women spoke about Spinoza, whose writings had helped lead to the Enlightenment in Europe and the separation of what she called “mosque and state.” “We need a Spinoza in Iran,” she said.

Sadly she thought social media might provide a way forward, not understanding, in the Devine way, how screen culture could only lead to ruination in any society that embraced it. Even sadder, the thought that we might find a Spinoza in the Australian media to lend a hand is comical. Think Devine + the Pell or the nepotic Jensen heresies, not Spinoza.

Well it's easy to be light hearted in the lucky country, if it weren't for the truly depressing conclusion to Anderson's piece, but no spoilers, except to note that it's depressing.

Then, as if to compound the depression, there's Miranda the Devine, in her usual un-Spinoza way, scribbling Seven's weak tackle on Cousins:

Despite all the gratuitous public service announcements about the evils of drugs, Channel Seven's two-part documentary on AFL's most famous drug abuser, Ben Cousins, did more to glorify cocaine, ice and six-day-benders than any nightclub VIP room.

I have to confess I didn't watch the documentary and have only the vaguest idea who Ben Cousins is - something to do with eagles and tattoos - and I also have to confess that half the point here is to link Miranda the Devine with Ahmadinejad, so that if anybody Googles Miranda Devine + repressive Iranian president, they'll be rewarded (in much the same way as anybody who Googles Christopher Pearson + Eminem will discover that loon pond is their natural home).

As a result - life being short and ignorance is bliss - I don't care too much about Cousins, and even less about Miranda the Devine pursing her lips, and coat-tailing on his fame to cluck and mutter her disapproval.

Not long after arriving in Tehran, I attended a press conference held by Ahmadinejad—at which I was the only Westerner present—and not a single reporter mentioned the Green Movement. When I asked an Iranian journalist about the omission, he raised his eyebrows and asked, “Why ask about something that doesn’t exist?” Instead, Ahmadinejad took questions about the latest clerical demands for stricter dress codes. This is an important issue for many younger Iranians—in north Tehran, the streets are full of dyed-blond hair, spray tans, and Amy Winehouse-style beehive hairdos—and Ahmadinejad had angered conservative clerics by opposing their demands. A few days later, the Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance published official guidelines for appropriate hair styles for Iranian men: pompadours were permitted, but not gelled, spiked, or overlong hair.

Amy Winehouse? Doesn't she do drugs?

Oops, sorry, somehow that slipped in from The New Yorker. Here's the Devine:

... the thumping soundtrack in the background as he snorts and sucks, his good looks, bad-boy charm, ripped biceps, killer abs and scantily clad girlfriends all combine to portray him as a cool, glamorous idol in some aspirational music video. It is like a drug recruitment ad for teenage boys.

By golly, that sounds like fun. Can I have some of that? Thanks Miranda for letting me know, it's rare that I read such a positive drug recruitment piece, though I do think you need to control the drooling over the killer abs, and the ripped biceps and the bad boy good looks ... though it's nice to hear you're gay enough to appreciate scantily clad girlfriends.

But where's all this heading you ask, since I have to confess that in my youth, I took all kinds of drugs, and even now abuse alcohol so it can abuse me? Well of course the Devine is just lathering herself up to a standard bout of indignation, and punishment, suggesting that Iran's treatment of hair styles might just suit her preferred way of dealing with drug takers:

Typical bad advice from the harm minimisation crowd who have captured the drug conversation. Moderation is meaningless to an obsessive, addictive person. Moderation and the drug-bingeing personality are mutually exclusive.

Uh huh, so he's an obsessive, addictive personality? What to do?

No more excuses for Cousins and others like him. It's not complicated. They are not afflicted by a "disease''. They are selfish narcissists who take drugs because it makes them feel good. They should forfeit any place of esteem in society.

That's right, shun them, ban them, lock them up, fling away the key.

Oh sorry, you thought obsessive addictive behaviour might have some psychological element to it, and the highs and lows might in some ways parallel the effects alcohol can have on the system, and how once addiction is ingrained, it can be extremely hard to shake (try reforming a smoker for that one).

No, no, that's just being a selfish narcissist - you know of the kind who imagine that because they're paid to prattle in columns in newspapers should be listened to - and they need to stop or they'll go blind ... or have a stick rammed up their ass. That's their choice. Yours too.

Now this sort of column wouldn't be complete without a little bit of mealy mouthed piety and bullshit good wishes:

We all wish Cousins well for the future.

Or a stick rammed up his ass. Sorry, sorry, got that wrong, we need to ram a stick up the ass of football:

But football has allowed a "recreational" drug culture to prosper when it holds in its power the ultimate sanction against young men vying to make it big. For the good of the game, and more importantly, for the young fans and future players following in Cousins's footsteps, there should be no more second and third chances. No more blind eyes.

Yes, ban them, shun them, lock them up and throw away the key. And while we're at it, let's turn Australia into Iran, and keep those young folk under control, so I don't to put up with their tatts and their hair and their insolent stares.

As for the self-serving statement Seven had Cousins read out at the start of the documentary, that he hoped his story would help save lives - that's as big a lie as his career has been.

And perhaps as mendacious as the Devine's column.

Phew, ever feel after reading a Devine rant, with the pious cant, and the negativity and the smug, know all, lip smacking, tongue clucking disapproval, that you need a good stiff drink? Or three ...

Hang on, hang on, does that mean that repressive conservatism is what drives the general populace to drink? If only it were true, because we could put the buggers behind the paywall and that would be the end of the demon drink, along with simplistic half assed half baked moralising about bad boys ...

And so, along with an apology to the Iranian people at being frivolous while mentioning their plight, now to end with a couple of quotes from a nicely functioning junkie, William Burroughs, so that anybody Googling Devine + Burroughs + junkie + addicted to conservative columnists rambling on about other peoples' lives - because it delivers a hit like a smack in the face like a whack of crack cocaine - they'll land here on the pond:

Most of the trouble in this world has been caused by folks who can't mind their own business, because they have no business of their own to mind, any more than a smallpox virus has.
William S. Burroughs

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror.
William S. Burroughs