Miranda Devine, Chairman Rudd, and greenies under the bed ...

(Above: a message from your local greenie).

Eeek, quick children hide under the bed, the greenies are coming and they eat little children for breakfast.

What's that children? There are reds under the bed, and some watermelons, which might be green on the outside but are actually red in on the inside?

Oh lordy, what can we do, the sky is falling in. Quickly, we must call in a greenies exterminator. Better to be cruel than kind, better to get rid of them now before they begin to nest and bring down the whole house like a bunch of termites.

Who to call, now that the ghostbusters' franchise has run its course and these days they only turn up in Zombieland? Hmm, who was it that wrote:

... it is not arsonists who should be hanging from lamp-posts but greenies. (here)

That's who we need, someone with the blood lust filling the nostrils, a bitch from hell with murder in her heart.

Why just in the nick of time, there's Miranda the Devine furiously scribbling Green-eyed monster sets his sights on balance of power.

She knows the depths of deviance at the heart of the greens, and she isn't fooled by that Brown chappie, the monster in sheep's clothing:

Bob Brown looked as animated as we have ever seen him this week, basking in the opinion poll ratings he has worked hard at stoking over many years, successfully presenting himself as the trustworthy, likeable and moderate face of a movement that is anything but.

Yes, if only we could breach Godwin's law, we'd like to think of Bob Brown as the devious smiling face of a hideous totalitarian regime, a kind of propagandist in the Leni Reifenstahl mode. Trustworthy?

Why as soon as the greens are in power you'll be forced into the countryside to work as peasants toiling in the rice fields. What's that, the rice fields are failing? Well you'll be forced to grown watermelons that work the same way as the pods in the body snatchers shows ...

So naturally we all face utter roon:

... there is now a real prospect of serious power in the hands of the unaccountable, job-killing ideologues of the green movement.

Yep if people vote them into positions of political power, that clearly makes them completely unaccountable, unlike the tremendously accountable Chairman Rudd and the mad monk.

Everywhere there is ruination and damnation, and no it's not because the mining industry is digging up the country and shipping it to China. It's fault of the tree hugging greenies getting in the way:

We can see their handiwork across the country, and they've barely warmed up. It's not just the unbuilt dams, or the green tape preventing proper fire management of bushland.

Oh what ghastly strange hour is this come upon the land, as dreadlocked beasts slouch towards Bethlehem, and the centre can't hold and mere green anarchy is loosed upon the world.

The tyrannical tactics of various eco-socialist groups, which often combine to play good cop/bad cop in relentless pursuit of a goal, are unopposed by a lily-livered, increasingly complicit corporate Australia.

Damn you quisling corporate Australia, rolling over like pooches so the greenies can rub your bellies. Damn you, your job is to rip the heart out of the Australian countryside. Get to it, and don't be fooled by these treacherous, deceptive rogues, often seen sipping lattes:

Out front, all we see is the clever pitching of the political wing of the green movement as safe, sensible and decent. Brown and his colleague Christine Milne present a plausible set of clean hands as the political process turns ugly en route to an election.

Clean and green? We know that the green machine is way worse than Labor. But why would the political process turn ugly, since Tony Abbott is such a nice man, and so caring about the electorate?

You perverse bastards, yes you, the voters, fancy wondering about whether the lycra clad bicycling lout is 'the man' when you know he is, he must be, because we need a saviour, someone who can defeat the greenie menace, that plague of locusts:

The end result is an electorate on the move has at least ''parked'' some of its votes with the Greens, while they wait for Tony Abbott to prove his suitability for the highest office.

We'd be better off with Cardinal Pell at the helm of government than a greenie holding the balance of power in the Senate.

What, they already do, along with Nick and that dodo Steve? You see! Case closed.

Well of course after all this, the Devine can't then resist a litany of Chairman Rudd's failings, but pardon me if we don't follow her down to the end of that long list. It's like the liturgy in a church service, satisfying to the believer, but strangely hollow by the time you get to the tenth bead and the fourth mystery in the rosary.

There's the mining tax and the building education revolution and the roof insulation fires and the polling and China and strangely, climate change:

On combating climate change (the "greatest moral challenge of our time"), the government scored just 5/10, and on Japanese whaling and asylum seekers it failed, with 4/10. Only on maintaining a strong alliance with the US" came its highest mark of 7/10.

Naturally you're waiting with bated breath for the Devine to deplore this vote. After all, according to her, climate change is the greatest myth of our time, and not a challenge at all, so surely the Devine would approve of the Ruddster's total inaction?

Steady, let's not stray down the path of climate change, and all the perils it holds, lest we stumble into the Abbott's den.

So what about the scandal involving Morris Iemma and that font of wisdom Michael Costa, and Stephen Loosely talking about ''Tea Party populism''.

You see, it's all Queenslander Ruddster's fault that NSW state Labor is in a total mess and so is the state. He said he could walk on water and work miracles, and look, lo, behold, see how his feet sink below the surface, and the wine he makes tastes very much like vin ordinaire or even worse vinaigre de vin rouge.

The coward. There was Iemma offering to fuck the unions together, and what does Rudd do, but pussyfoot away, and throw his baseball bat under the bed. Wasn't up to Labor politics NSW style, the pussy, and NSW continues to be fucked:

But when the time came, Rudd told him: "It's a state issue, I can't get involved." The privatisation which was to have funded transport infrastructure collapsed, and so did Iemma's career, and health. Iemma told 2GB: "I had a commitment, a deal with the Prime Minister and it should have been honoured."

Naturally that font of wisdom Michael Costa, who hates the Labor party more than Mark Latham, and that's saying something, is called on to offer a character reference:

His former treasurer Costa was even more scathing: "I speak to Labor people and I'm not talking about conservative voters here. I'm talking about dyed-in-the-wool Labor people that have really turned off this bloke [Rudd]. That car radio test is the test that you apply - if a bloke comes on and you hear him speak for a couple of seconds and you turn off your radio you know he's lost the public and I think this bloke's lost the public."

Well at least he took longer to lose the public than Michael Costa. Or it took Michael Costa to help bugger up New South Wales. Yes, if Michael Costa is on the radio, I switch it off quicker than you can say turn that bloody radio off.

Never mind, with Rudd on the nose - sssh, let's not mention the sickly smell of sulphur emanating from Tony Abbott - and lacking tactical agility, we have a dearth of agility.

It seems the leader of the opposition - dearie me, what was his name, I quite forget - is also lacking in tactical agility, and the question resounds, so where can we find this tactical agility.

What on earth are those greenies up to, with their circus like stunts?

Quick, circle the wagons, they seem to have tactical agility, perhaps from eating their greens.

You see, the greens are cunning and devious and clever in a fiendish way, and they have agility:

That is not a label you could ever apply to the Greens.

Oh children, quick under the bed. All is lost. What's that? You don't have the agility? And the watermelons are still there?

Oh children, close your eyes, this might be painful but it's necessary. You know, in the way that if your eyes offend you, you should pluck them out, or if you have gangrene, you should cut off the limb.

Bring those greenies out to the hanging tree. Let's hang them high and hang them hard. Let's see about their agility then ...

And so ends another column from Miranda the Devine, considered and thoughtful ideologue ranting for the Sydney Morning Herald ... Ain't it fun.

(Below: hurry, rush to take up the special Miranda the Devine T-shirt bringing the truth to the world).