Angela Shanahan, and Christians unite against the unedifying hordes of Brownies and Greenies ...

(Above: General William Booth, of whom more anon).

Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
With the cross of Jesus going on before.
Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle see His banners go!

Refrain

Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
With the cross of Jesus going on before.

Or put it another way, as Angela Shanahan does, Christians must boost immunity to Greens virus.

Yes, while Christopher Pearson slides ineluctably towards solemnness, on the bizarre pretence, that he belongs to Club Sensible, it's left to Shanahan to do the heavy lifting for The Australian, rapidly becoming Australia's answer to Faux Noise.

Sure, Pearson's opening gambit in Confidence, not vanity, needed, is designed to produce a gasp and a chuckle:

In my first column this year I introduced readers to the Club Sensible, a seldom-acknowledged freemasonry that extends across the political class. Its members are a decent bunch, more wedded to the national interest than partisan advantage.

But in his desperate attempt to pretend he's a serious pundit, and sensible, and somehow a Catholic freemason, and a Liberal with a love of jolly Labor chappies who just want to be Liberal, and with handsome insights strutting amongst the standard twaddle, the hapless gherkin Pearson veers towards dullness.

Shanahan however delivers the full quid of Christian hysteria, and what a splendid suet pudding of nonsense it is. Now let's hear it for the Christians and their heroic innoculation against the incredibly dangerous virus of the Greens, who are roughly equivalent to the threat Delilah posed to Samson, under the pretence that cutting off his hair would lead to a healthy Gaia:

... of all the groups that will or may vote Green, perhaps the least likely are the Christians. Until the ascent of Rudd, many commentators didn't bother with the Christian political movements, too often assuming they are uniformly politically of the Right. What they don't understand is that Christians, like most people, have Right sympathies and Left sympathies, and the factors that inform their votes can range beyond those boundaries.

Most commentators may assume Christians, depending on their evangelical position, will vote for either of the two main parties. But this is not the case.

Ah yes, the unified force field of political Christians, cozying up in the duopoly of power, incapable of splitting. Unless, oh no, they might be splitters ... schismatics ...

Hark how they listen to the angels sing:

Make no mistake, the so-called Christian vote was an important factor in securing Rudd's victory in the last election, particularly in the nine most marginal Queensland seats.

On June 21, Abbott and Rudd will speak to church communities via a live webcast organised by the Australian Christian Lobby. A similar event in 2007 was credited by many as being an influential factor in swinging the "Christian vote" in Rudd's favour.

But wait, while the angels sing, what dread satanic beast is slouching towards Bethlehem, luring the sailors on to the rocks with an alien chant?

But this time the ACL, whose leader and spokesman Jim Wallace is an unabashed Rudd supporter, is nervous. What is worrying him and the Christian lobby is that the naive Christian vote won't be persuaded by either party; that they too could be infected by the Greens virus.

Oh no, say it ain't so, naive Christians, innocent sweet white sheep, infected by the Greens virus, more deadly than the Ebola viurs, perhaps even worse than AIDS. Quelle horreur.

Why in this context it's time for the papists and the protestants to get together, even if it means worshipping at that anti-christ temple in Rome! Anything to defeat the Greens ...

The ACL is not overly concerned about the Christian vote leaning towards Abbott. Despite his Jesuit education and Catholicism, many in the Christian lobby, including the Pentecostals, admire Abbott's muscular forthrightness on moral issues, especially abortion. But Abbott's appeal is not uniform.

Oh no, say it ain't so. The Christian vote is split. Not all of them like Tony, and the result's all kinds of heretical secessionist breakaway splinter outrages:

The right-wing pro-family groups are furious about his maternity-leave policy and the fact the Coalition is distinctly lacking in any other family policy. However, that group is unlikely to be lured to the Greens.

Phew, for a moment there I was troubled. Sure they might hate a few Abbott policies, but they'll bend the knee, and acknowledge Rome before they'd cop a Green Virus.

But stay, what inner suburban, latte sipping, alcohol free chardonnay sipping, wet fellow travelling, cardigan wearing, ABC knitting, do gooders might jump the fence, and mingle with those dreadlock fools?

The left-leaning Christian humanitarian brigade, on the other hand, has no such problems. For this group it is not the environment so much as the ostentatiously humanitarian credentials of the Greens that draw them away from the main parties.

Oh the hapless deluded fiends, the wretched fools, the sheep ...

If they are disillusioned with what they see as the government's inhumane refugee policy, they certainly aren't attracted to Abbott, who has taken an even stronger line. So the Greens look good to them. In fact, the two most virulently anti-Abbott groups are within the Uniting Church and the soft-left stream of political Catholics, who are apoplectic with rage at what they see as Abbott's neo-Howardite policy on refugees.

Damn it, they probably even imagine they're Christian. Why they might have even read Christ's words on kindness to strangers:

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Luckily no Muslim can be an angel, but even so it seems that these ratbag naive Christians aren't fans of the Pellist heresy, or the Jensenist nepotism, and are led down dangerous paths by radical ratbags purporting to be Catholics and speaking with forked, dulcet, luvvie, snake tongues:

These Catholics don't like Cardinal George Pell but speak in dulcet tones of Canberra's Bishop Pat Power, our local ageing Berrigan who regularly shows up at pro-refugee and anti-war demonstrations. They are also fans of former priest and ABC luvvie Paul Collins.

Oh dear, the flock led to the cliff, and only Shanahan to save them. But it gets worse. There are some seduced by Bob Brown, little realising that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing, just like that old Looney Tunes cartoon.

(Decode the message! Hint: brown legs coyote, white fleece innocent Christian sheep).

We can add to these the plain ignorant, who think good old Bob Brown's a nice guy, a harmless leader of a ginger group -- "Give him a go!" -- and forget they are voting Green, not Brown. But the Greens are neither harmless nor a ginger group.

No indeed, brothers and sisters, ye verily they are the spawn of satan, neither harmless nor gingery, but more like garlic or chili or even worse, cinnamon (would you like some cinnamon with your coffee madam?). And did you know (steady, steady, chin up old chums, bravery's needed here) he's a self-admitted homosexual! Say no more ...

They are notable for their impracticality: an odd mixture of do-goodism, libertarianism and almost totalitarian control on issues such as energy consumption. The Greens would be quite at home in Havana.

Hang on, hang on, only a few days ago Gary Johns was telling us the Greens were hefty consumers:

Indeed, most of their material benefits are derived from non-renewable carbon products, oil and natural gas in particular. Everything the young and not so young greenie desires and relies on - from antihistamines to mobile phones, clothing, computers, deodorant, DVDs, lipstick, pantyhose, roller blades, shampoo, contact lenses, sunglasses, surfboards and syringes - are not to be given up lightly.

Sheesh, fickle greens. Well they're not going to find any of that stuff in Havana. Should we tell Angela that roller blades are in short supply there? As for DVDs ... (can someone tell Gary that these days for the young, movies come for free, thanks to the intertubes?)

Never mind, here's the way to attack the Greens. Let Angela show you how. By attacking Bob Brown their fearless leader, you wonder, all innocent and dewy eyed?

No silly, by attacking a former failed Greens candidate!

The emphasis on Brown has convinced people he'll be the next Nick Clegg. But only one name need be mentioned on the philosophical front, and it isn't Brown. It is former Greens candidate Peter Singer.

In 1996 Brown and Singer co-wrote a book simply called The Greens. The pair emphatically deny that the Greens are a ginger group. The new "green ethic", according to Singer, directly contradicts the old Christian, biblically based ethic of man at the centre of creation.

Dear lord, dear god, the utter shame. These wretches, in bed together, metaphorically speaking, and worse writing a book together, dared to suggest that the book of Genesis might have a few flaws and that perhaps we should no longer take literally the notion of Adam and Eve. Here it is in the skeptic's annotated bible:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

And here is the skeptical annotation (well that's how Americans spell the word):

God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. This couldn't be true, of course, since millions of other species existed for millions of years before humans existed. But this verse is used by fundamentalist Christians to justify their mistreatment of other species and disregard for the environment. After all, they believe that God created the other species just for them, so they can do whatever they please with them.

Sheesh, silly skeptic. Human kind was around at the time of the dinosaurs and we whupped 'em good. That's how we got dominion over them. Now who else ya got? Bring 'em on ...

Enough of this alarming heresy. Next thing you know some bloody evolutionist in the back row will be carrying on like a loon. Back to the Christian, or should we say, since the Catholic church is rarely Christian, the Catholic view:

What is important to Brown and Singer is to establish the green philosophy as an alternative to the traditional Christian view: "an alternative tradition", a green ethic that is concerned for "the interests of individual non-human animals".

This has led Singer into some strange and notorious moral byways. Putting humans and animals on the same moral level, Singer both embraces animal liberation and supports abortion to term and euthanasia. Elsewhere in his writings he gives qualified support for infanticide.

Oh yes, of course it wouldn't be long before abortion got into the game, in the best deep south way.

It should give Christians pause for concern -- to say the least -- that, as a supreme utilitarian, Singer is regarded as a philosophical godfather of the Australian Greens. And although he might have divergent opinions on some of these life issues, Brown certainly supports abortion and right-to-die legislation.

Yep, while we might think it should give Christians pause for concern that Shanahan roams amongst them, we take a more utilitarian view.

Catholics should control women's bodies, not women, and people should be kept alive, on tubes if necessary, so ritual Catholic beliefs can be shoved down the their throats. It's the Christian thing to do.

What's that, some people think that they have the right to decide how they will exit this world, and the circumstances in which they will exit it? Insufferable cheek!

But wait, the enemy is strong, and grows stronger. Even in safe Liberal WA, home of billionaires, who happily dig up the country so they can ship it to the world, the tenacious Greens are beavering away with their idolatry and their devilry:

In Western Australia, the Greens' euthanasia bill is before the Upper House. As with most of their other policies, it's difficult to see what is "green" about euthanasia. Another Greens euthanasia bill was defeated in Tasmania last year. Federally, they have supported gay marriage, gay surrogacy and euthanasia, and their pro-abortion zeal knows no bounds.

Shocking! They actually have a policy on gay marriage, when we all know that the only use for gays and greens is to terrify innocent Christians. They're so terribly threatening, frightening, that it's enough to make the leader of the Federal Opposition cower and quiver in fear.

And these fiendish greenies hate and fear Catholics. Vehemently!

In the ACT, where the Greens hold the balance of power, it was Greens member Kerry Tucker who sparked attempts by the territory government to take over Calvary hospital simply because Catholic hospitals don't perform abortions and sterilisations. They are consistently anti-freedom of religion and are vehemently opposed to religious schools.

Is there no end to this litany of fear and filth? Sadly no, but on we press with a hey nonny no:

In Victoria the Greens have used a charter of rights to instigate an inquiry by the parliament's Scrutiny of Acts and Regulations Committee. It could end the exemption that allows church organisations to discriminate in employment.

Yes, when we all love discrimination, as it's a precious human right. Bugger off atheists, don't collect $200 from this charity, and go straight to hell!

And now, at last, after much weary torment, the capper!

Despite their much-vaunted humanitarianism, this stuff is aimed squarely at inner-suburban constituents, not the poor, not the green and certainly not the Christians.

You see, I told you! It's those bloody inner-suburban, latte swilling, chardonnay sniffing, syringe loving, roller blading, over made up, mobile phone and computer using, screen culture absorbing, sunglass wearing, surf board riding young plastic and oils loving ferals who are to blame. For everything. Guilty as hell and destined for hell!

Quickly, one and all, gather around and sing with me:

At the sign of triumph Satan’s host doth flee;
On then, Christian soldiers, on to victory!
Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.

Hang on, hang on. Stop this singing at once (cue SFX of old gramophone scratching to a halt).

Onward, Christian Soldiers is the favoured processional of the Salvation Army, and in times past things have been fraught between the Salvos and the Catholics. Look up the lyrics on your own watch, you heretics.

Why some Salvos, like many of the Protestant faiths, and the Methodists from which founder General Booth sprang, thought that the Roman Church showed all the signs of being the whore of Babylon, while within the Catholic church, it's well understood, but these days said sotto voce, that the Salvos are just a bunch of heretics.

For this essential truth we must turn to The Salvation Army, written for the Australian Catholic Truth Society by Rev. Dr. L. Rumble, M.S.C. And dearie me, is he ready to rumble in a genteel way:

The Salvation Army does not preach the full Gospel; and even such elements of Truth as it does teach are blended with the unhappy mistakes of General Booth ...

... Magnificent as has been the zeal of Salvationists for all good works, again it must be said that it has not been zeal according to knowledge; and, in the long run, as knowledge increases, the Army is bound to decrease in numbers and influence, taking its place eventually as a religious phenomenon belonging to the past history of mankind.

And so forth and etc. And if you want more of an understanding of why they're heretics, beyond the pale, head off here ...

1312. Does the Catholic Church recognize the Salvation Army as in any way representative of genuine Christianity?

No. As a religious body the Salvation Army is a form of Protestantism which the Catholic Church cannot but reject ... the whole movement is characterized by an un-Catholic, and even an anti-Catholic outlook.

So enough of the singing already! I mean, there's Christians united, and an army organised to defeat the filthy vile Greenies, and then there's all the protestant heretics and Salvos outside the one true Catholic church. Alright?

Could it be that the Christians are more schismatic, unworldly, feuding and fighting, rooting and tooting ratbags than inner suburban dwellers?

Who knows, but I thank The Australian for offering up Angela Shanahan now that Pearson has got so dull. Where would we be without its columnists' infinite capacity for stupidity and caricature?

Perhaps in heaven ... because reading Shanahan's meandering greenie paranoia feels like hell on earth to me.

Meanwhile since we still feel in a singing mood, how about Vachel Lindsay's tribute to the good general in General William Booth Enters into Heaven?

Let's start it off and then you can go here for the rest ...

Booth led boldly with his big bass drum—
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)
The Saints smiled gravely and they said: “He’s come.”
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)
Walking lepers followed, rank on rank,
Lurching bravoes from the ditches dank,
Drabs from the alleyways and drug fiends pale—
Minds still passion-ridden, soul-powers frail:—
Vermin-eaten saints with mouldy breath,
Unwashed legions with the ways of Death—
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)

(Below: an image of the whore of Babylon. Look carefully and you'll see Christians calling each other out all over the place, while the Greenies march towards secularist bliss!)