Georgina Littlejohn, Rebekah Devlin, and giving ga ga puns a goo goo name ...

(Above: Alice Cooper with snake).

Shocked parents were today lining up to complain about the notorious Alice Cooper chicken incident.

Late breaking news reports suggest that shocking events unfolded this September 13th, 1969 as a chicken suffered a major disaster on and off stage at the Toronto Rock and Roll Revival. One reporter on the scene has provided an exclusive scoop, and told the story thus:

A chicken somehow has made its way on to stage during the beer drinking, maniacally made up, anti social and perverted Alice Cooper's performance. Cooper allegedly picked the chicken and threw it out over the crowd. The chicken plummeted into the first few rows occupied by disabled people in wheelchairs, who have reportedly proceeded to tear the bird to pieces. It is understood that Mr. Cooper claimed he didn't have any experience around farm animals and that he threw the bird expecting it to fly away, but experts are claiming this is simply incredible, lame and unbelievable. What he did was feed the chicken to insatiable vampiric wheelchair bound zombies.

It is understood that right at this moment, journalists for the Daily Mail are about to issue a stunning damnation of Cooper, and that it will be picked up and live blogged by The Punch, Australia's most damning conversation.

It's understood that Alice Cooper's act is being judged extremely harshly, as it is possibly responsible for Tiny Tim and Mss Vicky getting engaged on the 18th September, and possibly also helped start the rumour Paul McCartney is dead. It also follows immediately on from the Manson family committing the ghastly Tate-LaBianca murders back in August. Critics and shocked parents have announced that they are appalled at Cooper's lack of sensitivity, following so closely after Roman Polanski's shattering loss.

What's that you say? It's not the fall of '69, it's actually 2010? And Alice Cooper didn't bite the head off a chicken and suck the blood out? You mean he was just toying with journalists?

"I hear so many things about me," he comments. "I sit back and laugh. All I have to do is one little thing and it's exploded into something enormous. I don't deny anything. They say: 'Did you really bite the head off a chicken and suck the blood out?' I say, 'I don't want to talk about it.' Can you imagine what they go home and write?" (Out of School with Alice Cooper).

Well apologies to Alice's wiki, and what are we going to do for kicks?

Glad you asked.

Shocked parents brand Lady Gaga's bloody stage show as 'sickening' in wake of Cumbria slaughter. Credited to one Georgina Littlejohn.

Right now we're working on a story Shocked pond blogger brands Daily Mail coverage of Lady Gaga's bloody stage show as 'sickening' in wake of Cumbria slaughter.

You see, when journalists are desperate for any kind of angle, any kind of hook, any port in a storm, they'll go any lengths. Heck, they'll even run the thing they purport to despise. Like this:

You see, they could have covered the show without the photograph, but the photograph's the whole point of the story. That's why they whacked a large copyright notice on the pic. This is our blood fest, and hands off everyone else.

That's why they ran another three of them, so we could get a sense of the senseless blood-splattered horror, and what else could we do but show their horror so that in turn we could be horrified.

Indoody, they love the story of Lady Gaga in pictures so much that they also at the same time ran images of Lady Gaga in foil (copyright Splash News), and Gaga in latex nun garb (copyright Splash News) and a bloodied Lady Gaga performing a similar act at the MTV video music awards last year (copyright MTV/Splash News).

Naturally there were a fierce 106 - at last count - comments whipped up, and even more naturally, The Punch, courtesy of Rebekah Devlin, sprang into action with Gaga's gone ga ga, and not in a good way, illustrated by an AFP picture of Gaga in underwear. Presumably the bean counters at The Punch, closely related to Silas Marner, Uncle Ebenezer and Uncle Scrooge, couldn't spring for the Mail's graphic coverage and so had to shock us with a cheaper image.

Which doesn't stop Devlin from making the same poignant connection:

The poplette inflicted senseless pain on British fans when her performance of the song Monster included her being “attacked” and “bitten” on her neck. She then sung with fake blood pouring down her neck before apparently dying in a pool of blood.

This, just hours after 12 people were tragically killed by shooter taxi driver Derrick Bird in Northern England.

Yes, and just a short time after nine people were senselessly killed on a boat on the way to Gaza, and just a short time after thousands pointlessly died from cancer and car crashes, and thousands more died of food shortages, and others died in war and street brawls and ... need we go on? Why, it seems that back in 2005, the WHO apparently calculated that some 150,000 plus people on average die per day, leading to a hearty death toll of some 56 million a year.

And just as all the young things trooped off to watch Twilight and in earlier days Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You can surely see the obvious link? N'est ce pas?

The point in relation to a stage act being? No blood on stage! And presumably by extension no stage shows or films about serial killers or urban massacres or texan chain saw massacres? Or vampires or zombies? Did I breach some code, apart from a bad second act and a hopeless third act and a tragic Bill Murray by watching Zombieland?

Well okay some shows aren't to my taste, but what the heck, whatever lights your light bulb. Tell me how the fans rocked up to Lady Gaga not knowing what to expect? Dumb parents maybe, but it serves them right ...

Meanwhile, to spruce up her cornball ga ga coverage in a spruce goose kind of way, Devlin delivers up those good old Victorian barometers, bad taste and won't someone think of the children.

Lady Gaga has stepped over the line of being edgy and landed heavily in the realm of poor taste and insensitivity.

While children should not be taken to a Gaga concert, the reality is, they are there and should not be subjected to such violent images, particularly in the aftermath of such a tragedy.

Ah yes, won't someone think of the children. Happily children in many places in the world couldn't spring for the ticket to a Lady Gaga concert - 179 euros as a starting price for the European tour in October! - and so are saved from the violent images. They just have to make do with starvation or living in a war zone.

Just think how Australians would have reacted if this had been post-Port Arthur.

Good point. At last I've worked out why nobody went to see The Island of Dr. Moreau. But lordy can someone please explain why Scream did so well that Christmas?

Meanwhile, Devlin caps her shameless variation on the Mail by demanding an apology and financial rectification.

Words are hollow and any apology from Gaga will do little to rectify the hurt she has caused.

A more genuine apology would be to donate the profits from Wednesday’s concert to the families of those slain.

Hang on, but the Mail and Devlin have done little to rectify the hurt they've caused to me, the Mail with its hypocritical salivating images, and Devlin by her gormless insult to my intelligence.

What to do? Are the rags sorry? Will they write an apology? But words are hollow, and they don't tickle the till the right way.

Hey, here's a solution. A genuine apology would be for the Mail to donate the copyright in its images to the pond, and for Devlin to donate the payment she received from The Punch for scribbling her piece to the pond's favourite charity.

We're holding our breath, until we can tear up the pictures, thereby cleansing the world of offensive ga ga images, and the cash arrives in the mail ... so we can help the "Restore the easter bunny's dignity" charity with a tax free gift. I wonder if tuppence will be enough?

Meanwhile, I'm sorry to say, we've heard the rumours about the pond, and how we love to set gerbils loose in men's trousers, and have sex with Santa Claus under a pine tree, and how we've been known to tear the head off the Easter bunny and coat the chocolate with rabbit blood, before heading out to a graveyard for a satanic ritual, and ... but with a deep sigh and with much regret, and with heavy heart, we simply don't want to talk about it.

(Below: is that a chicken I see before me?)