Tory Maguire, whaling, vigilante action, and punching in the new year with The Punch ...

One of my new year's resolutions was to stop visiting The Punch, Australia's most dreary, interminably righteous conversation.

But after awhile, I got the shakes. I had to go back, like a dog which has munched on too much grass, like the voyeurs I saw on the Hume highway gawking at the multiple car crash and the bodies strewn on the verge waiting for the emergency vehicles.

So what better way to start off the new year's reading than taking a gawk at Tory Maguire's timely and relevant Sea Shepherd is going to get someone killed, which is all about the current whaling war.

And then I got to the end of the piece, and read this:

In the end it doesn’t matter who rammed who. If someone gets seriously injured or killed Paul Watson will have to shoulder some of the blame. Maybe then we’ll stop giving him free run to sprout his version of the war on whaling, when all he really is is a vigilante.

Sprout? Suddenly I was in turmoil. Did she mean sprout?

1. To begin to grow; give off shoots or buds.

2. To emerge and develop rapidly.
v.tr.
To cause to come forth and grow.
n.
1. Young plant growth, such as a bud or shoot.
2. Something resembling or suggestive of a sprout, as in rapid growth: "a tall blond sprout of a boy" (Anne Tyler).
3. sprouts
a. The young shoots of plants such as alfalfa and soybean, usually eaten raw.
b. Brussels sprouts.

Or did she mean spout?

1. To gush forth in a rapid stream or in spurts.

2. To discharge a liquid or other substance continuously or in spurts.
3. Informal To speak volubly and tediously.
v.tr.
1. To cause to flow or spurt out.
2. To utter volubly and tediously.
3. Chiefly British To pawn.
n.
1. A tube, mouth, or pipe through which liquid is released or discharged.
2. A continuous stream of liquid.
3. The burst of spray from the blowhole of a whale. (thanks to the Free dictionary).

It's terribly hard and tedious to be a pedant, and confusing as well. I mean, I can imagine Paul Watson sending out buds and shoots - it's the best practice greenie thing to do - but he could also be uttering volubly and tediously about the war on whaling.

And then there's the "is is" construction, which is quite ugly, even if I end up in that kind of verbal ghetto often enough myself, because I had had an excellent education in Latin, but having had it, now find it quite useless.

Oh as for the rest of it? Sorry, I quite dropped the plot, and got into an enormous anxiety attack over sprout v spout.

But I did catch a few gems:

Let me be clear. I’m pro-whale.

Well okay, let me be clear. I'm pro-Tory Maguire. And I resent any illegal attempt to fish in her waters. And let it be said that we here at loon pond are firmly against any form of vigilantism, as Tory spouts in her lead par:

Do you reckon if Sea Shepherd captain Paul Watson was roaming the streets of Melbourne in a high-tech armoured car deliberately provoking drug dealers and putting his young acolytes in harm’s way he’d be welcomed on to the national broadcaster to tout his particular brand of vigilantism? I doubt it.

One wag suggested substituting 'drug dealers' with 'logging trucks' might be more germane to the metaphor, but I fancy a simpler ruse:

Do you reckon if Sea Shepherd captain Paul Watson was roaming the streets of Sydney in a high-tech armoured car deliberately provoking Murdoch journalists and putting his young acolytes in harm’s way he’d be welcomed on to the national broadcaster to tout his particular brand of vigilantism? I doubt it.

Tory is very firm on the evils of vigilantism, which I guess means that Batman isn't amongst her favourite comic strips. Come to think of it, aren't Spiderman, Superman and all the rest of the superheroes just a bunch of pug ugly vigilantes?

We’re not big on vigilantes in this nation, which has an imperfect but workable system of the rule of law, enforced by publicly funded police. Yet for some reason the ridiculous antics currently under way off the tip of Antarctica are allowed to carry on unchecked, and have prompted a frenzy of boys-own-adventure cheering here at home.

Whoa, suddenly she's all for a socialist publicly funded police system. Guess there's no future for Blackwater or privately run prisons in this lucky country.

Then one Jack Thomas spoke out in the comments section:

It amazes me that this column and its Redneck wonderland followers are backing a Japanese commercial fishing vessel that is illegally hunting in Australian waters.

Turning on the Sea Shepherd is just what Rudd and his spotty faced Spinmeister would love, it takes the heat off another Labor broken promise. Peter Garret should be attacked for his hypocrisy and wet lettuce leaf negiotiation approach. Instead, you’re whine about the Sea Shepherd.

Oh dear, Jack, I was with you right up to the "you're" - I even over-looked the vexed matter of what Australia might do on the high seas to save the whales. Please spend ten minutes in the sin bin or attend The Apostrophe Protection Society page.

Well I guess now's not the right moment to mention that I've tasted whale, and didn't find it that much fun, but I do love a bit of raw fish.

But all the same I do wish, instead of frothing and foaming and spouting at the mouth that Tory had tried one more variation on her sentence:

Do you reckon if the captian of the Shonan Maru 2 was roaming Port Phillip bay in a high-tech tank-like armoured whaling vessel, deliberately provoking greenies by illegally catching whales under the preposterous disguise of the Institute of Cetacean Research claim that it's all about science, thereby putting his young seamen in harm's way, and outraging a fair few Australians, so he could in the end dump whale on the plates of gourmet Japanese eaters, that he'd be welcomed on to the national broadcaster to tout his particular brand of piracy? I doubt it.

Oops, the sentence got a bit long, and kind of fell apart, but you get my drift. Perhaps the greenies should devise the Institute of Cetacean Whale Hunter Research, as an excuse for the hunting of whaling vessels, so they can study devious hypocrisy and pious sanctimoniousness in all its human forms.

Which all goes to show that munching on whale meat and blustering about it as science and vigilantism designed to tackle such whale eating isn't so far apart. Perhaps it's something of an acquired taste for anyone not dedicated to either side, but perhaps it's got tastier because Australia has a federal government which doesn't want to do anything about the issue, and which thereby has given the opposition and its spokesperson Greg Hunt a free kick to sound more environmentally concerned and aware than Peter Garrett. Not hard perhaps, but nonetheless a hit, a palpable hit.

Meantime, if loons feel so strongly about the matter of whales, and are willing to risk their lives, by running up against Japanese whalers, then off they go. There's actually no chance they'll sink the Japanese whalers, or stop the whaling, but they draw attention to the issue - in much the same way as crusties chain themselves to red gums - and if they want to die in the name of a cause, it's their choice. Provided of course they don't use physical force against the workers also doing their thing.

We all surely remember "choice". It's the American dream, and though I feel nauseous each time I hear it used in dialogue in a B grad American flick, it does mean you can choose between being an anti-whaling activist or a stout hearted piratical Japanese whaler, or between chocolate and plain doughnuts.

But if you want a good bout of confused thinking on the subject, Tory delivers in spades:

Here's the righteously supportive Tory:

I think the Japanese should immediately disband the Institute of Cetacean Research and stop hunting whales in the Southern Ocean. I think the Australian Government should continue to put diplomatic pressure on Japan, and I think Sea Shepherd and other environmental organisations should continue to protest and raise awareness.

I think we should refuse to fuel and supply the factory ships, and we should refuse to provide them with private air surveillance support.

But this is not “war”.

Huh? The Sea Shepherd and other environmental organisations should continue to protest and raise awareness? By assembling in Newtown square and waving placards? Oh that'll really teach the Japanese a lesson.

Demands from Mr Watson that the Australian Navy steam south to provide his boats with protection are offensive and his language is inflamatory. As an example: “We now have a real whale war on our hands and we have no intention of retreating.”

Oh no, it's a whale war. Can I have the video game rights? Because of course name and shame and publicity is the name of the game, and this little outing has delivered in spades. Of course they're going to be inflammatory.

Hang on, hang on. Tory said his language is "inflamatory". Oh no, did she lose an "m", as I always do when spelling "accomodation"? Well it ends up meaning the same:

1. Arousing passion or strong emotion, especially anger, belligerence, or desire.
2. Characterized or caused by inflammation.

Sorry, Tory, you win the award for arousing passion and strong emotion, especially anger, belligerence and desire.

Bring me that skull, I feel an oath coming on:

"I swear to devote my life to the destruction of piracy, greed, cruelty, injustice, poor spelling, silly metaphorical constructions and improper punctuation in all their forms, and my sons and their sons shall follow me".

Go vigilante, go. And please remember all correspondence regarding the many typos and verbal abuses on this site will be resolutely ignored. We prefer sprouting to spouting ...