It's been my misfortune in the last few days to cop in the eyeball and the ear hole an Australia Day advertisement (above) - apparently sponsored by the Australia Day mob - which exhibits all the cretinous philistinism that's likely to keep many people at home on their couches, in fear of beer sodden bogans on the actual day.
Not just once, but a couple of times. Like it's on a high rotation offensive to be offensive.
Oh sure it's done with that fey whimsical post ironic Barry Humphries Dame Edna style where the proselytizer for Australia Day comes across like a Mormon dork missionary with a Barnsie tat, and his objects of celebration - lamington drives and barbies and Kylie and beaches and fireworks and the democratic right to get dead armed - are given the heavily wink wink nod nod say no more treatment.
It seems, in the Australian way, that this is a retread of a 2008 commercial, but it also seems that the tat and the right to give or get a dead arm have been given a light air-brushing and 'disappeared' in the shortened version I've seen running - I guess because after all more than a few might take literally the celebration of the right to give others a dead arm (which is to say a punch that makes the arm go numb).
What a bunch of gherkins and tossers they are in the Australia Day council. Not just to make a gormless wretched ad, but then to keep it on air when it should be decently buried with a stake through its heart.
At least Sam Kekovich is just selling lamb as he pursues unAustralians. (Sam Kekovich to ask the U.N. to declare Jan 26 International Australia Day in his 2010 address). And who can quibble with a list that includes the foreign owned Vegemite, Prince Willy, Ricky Ponting and Kyle Sandilands? (Long list named as "unAustralian" in Sam Kekovich rant).
If you're going to be the class clown while selling a product, you might as well be a first rate, enthusiastic clown. It worked for Joe the gadget man. Sic transit Joe.
But there's no way I'm going to be intimidated by the gormless and the philistine. If nothing else, the NSW Art Gallery has an exhibition by the fey Rupert Bunny (Rupert Bunny artist in Paris). And if you happen to be in Canberra - god knows why, but let's imagine there's a reason - the National Gallery has Masterpieces from Paris running until April. Go Paris. Just get in early because the crowds can be a tad overwhelming.
Meantime, if you happen to be in Sydney, here's the Australia Day program, as summarised by our local rag, the Wentworth Courier:
Woggan-ma-gule morning ceremony, wheelchair road race, biggest backyard barbecue in Hyde Park North, Yabun festival, Victoria Park Broadway, Darling Habour children's entertainment, including Bananas in Pyjamas, and Jay Laga'aia, at noon Alvin and the Chipmunks take the main stage, Hyde park north, the NRMA motorfest showcases over 1000 vintage and classic vehicles, the RAN performs search and rescue displays, the RAAF does a fly over (count them four Hawk 127s), there's jazz on the harbour with the James Valentine quartet and that classic jazz outfit the Royal Australian Navy Band, a Great Aussie Guitar Hero tournament, and a free outdoor rock festival at the Rocks, followed by the Cockle bay twilight ceremony, and lastly the fireworks.
There's even more listed in the official program guide.
Why am I reminded of show day in Tamworth back in the good old days? They had fireworks too. Not to mention the trots and sidecar racing.
Meantime, it seems the steam has gone out of invasion or survival day, despite Mick Dodson suggesting that a conversation be started about shifting Australia Day to a more inclusive one. (Surviving Australia Day). With Yabun rolled into the official program, and the day in Sydney starting with a morning ceremony celebrating the Gadigal people, the protests have been co-opted into the circus.
You know, I'm coming around to the idea of promoting Australia Day as dead arm day. It matches brain dead day ...
But things could be worse, and if I could just give up the habit of snacking on commentariat columnists - too much fairy floss and toffee apples ruins the teeth - this could be quite a jolly year.
That's why I've forgotten about Christopher Pearson (The Climate starts to suit Abbott), and ignored Chris Berg (What do Haitians need most? To get away from Haiti) when I could have done a tremendous piece on what Australians need most, which is to get away from Australia Day.
You know, come to think of it, if Australia Day could include a 'dead arm day' for commentariat columnists I might even change my thinking and warm to the idea ....
Get them into a tent, and then people come along and give them a whack in the arm - a bit like whacking the mole - until their arms go numb, and they can't type for a month. And the silence on loon pond would be unnerving, but strangely appealing.
The emperor heard about Kakua when he returned to Japan and asked him to preach Zen for his edification and that of his subjects.
Kakua stood before the emperor in silence. He then produced a flute from the folds of his robe, and blew one short note. Bowing politely, he disappeared. (One Note of Zen).
In your dreams.
Maybe I'll just hide under the bed Governor Bligh style and hope the beer sodden rum crazed ratbags won't find me ...
(Below: Few understand real reason behind rebellion, 202 years ago, back in the days when they really knew how to celebrate Australia Day with a dead arm).
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