The pond came to a sudden, sickening realisation as to why its impressions are down, business is at an all-time low, and the pond is facing an existential crisis.
Everyone is in furious agreement, and that top hat has a teflon coating, and where once the pond might have mocked cries of coal, coal, coal for the woorrllddd, now it's official that there are technical and rational and logical reasons for a quietly stated "dinkum Aussie coal is the very best thing for the world" and Sporten Shorten lines up to agree and so do the reptiles and everyone is in furious agreement, thanks to the benign rhetorical oil, with tasty mustard coating, that covers the ocean and soothes the savage, foaming, turbulent waves...
Sure clever dicks like David Pope might mock; sure Lenore Taylor might scribble Malcolm Turnbull's rhetorical dance around coal reveals extent of his constraint ... but only so she can expound on the inner Malcolm, the Malcolm yearning to get out, the Malcolm chrysalis that contains the butterfly of truth:
Malcolm Turnbull needs all his rhetorical skill to bridge the gap between what he knows is true and what he has to say to appease his party.
Asked about the future of Australian coal exports on Tuesday, Turnbull started with the familiar “energy poverty” argument.
This line has previously starred in Peabody Energy’s global pro-coal campaign, was recited by Turnbull’s resources minister Josh Frydenberg when the government reapproved Adani’s proposed $16bn Carmichael mine and the minister explained there was a “strong moral case” for new mines and was expounded in even more black and white terms by the former prime minister Tony Abbott, who told the nation coal was “good for humanity”.
Turnbull put it this way: “You have to remember that energy poverty is one of the big limits on global development in terms of achieving all of the development goals, alleviating hunger and promoting prosperity right around the world – energy is an absolute critical ingredient. So coal will play a big part in that.”
But within minutes Turnbull was also explaining the facts that undermine that argument – that almost half those in “energy poverty” in India have no access to the electricity grid and that “in a remote community, or ... in a developing country where there is no electricity grid, and the alternative is generating power by burning diesel, then solar panels and some batteries ... often will be more cost-effective”.
Indeed, indeed, and so to the gnomic chrysalis:
Turnbull fully understands the massive technological change afoot in the energy sector, he understands climate science, and he is impatient for Australia to be right in the thick of the clean energy race.
But he is constrained by the policy he has inherited and the mentality of some in his party.
And so he sends signals, like saying that no energy source can have a “moral characteristic” and that Australia just has to make rational choices between the various abundant energy sources it has available.
That sounds good. It just remains unclear whether his government can do it.
Indeed, indeed, it sounds very, very good. And if you look in a mirror, it will surely reflect back to you, and you may read into the image anything you want, and so it came about that Lenore Taylor and the reptiles of Oz were in furious agreement, and formed a united love struck media.
But how can this be? Only yesterday the reptiles were mocking the love media:
Oh how they laughed, and clapped hands with glee at the foolishness of the love media and their mad infatuation with Malware.
But see, lo and behold, how the reptiles have drunk of the kool aid today.
There's Dame Slap, still holding out hope:
And there's Adam Creighton presciently explaining why the pointless Ex-PM keeps missing the point:
But most of all there's furious agreement about coal, as the reptiles celebrated the smack down of the new chief scientist and all the other delusional fools carping on about dinkum Aussie coal being best for the world:
Naturally Brendan Pearson was out and about on the reptile pages making a decent moral point, and nothing, absolutely nothing at all to do with his position:
And speaking of furious agreement, and the love media, pompous portentous blatherer in chief Paul Kelly showed all the signs of doing a Michael Lawrence and being ... well, this being a family show, all we can say is he's love struck, and the reptiles are now the new home of the love media ...
Oh it's Turnbull this and Turnbull that, and if the pond may be so bold, let us see how the pompous one concluded his piece on the new climate coalition:
Yes, there it is, it's not "dinkum Aussie coal, coal, coal for the woorrrlllddd", it's just a terribly nice, "I say old chaps, really, in a non-ideological and business like way, it's a pragmatic and common sense dinkum Aussie coal is the right thing for the world" ...
Well to be fair, we should include the rest of the blatherer at large's adoration of Turnbull, which began this way:
Take that love media, the reptiles are the new love media, and you, you wretched chief scientist, you can take your religious-inspired obsessions and your religious-inspired visions and shove 'em where the science doesn't shine.
The portentous one has spoken and worshipped at the shrine of the supreme businessman and rationalist Malware, and all is well in spring in the garden, and a new hero in a teflon top hat stalks the land:
Yes, they're one and the same, only Turnbull is very uniquely different (thank you immortal News 24 for that vital enhancement of the English language), and it's no longer Aussie coal, coal, coal for the woorrrllld, it's simply that saying 'dinkum Aussie coal best for the world' is just a rational, non-ideological statement of fact.
To slay with patronising kindness!
And it is a moral matter, except of course it's not a moral matter.
Why, it's just like explaining how copper is more than equal to all that guff about the benefits of fibre. And dinkum Aussie coal is right for the world ...
But wait, since we're speaking of the new love media, it would be remiss of the pond not to send away those with the strength and the lack of fear with a new Barners-approved set of steak knives - eat deeply of red meat Luke and feel the force - and so we must also feature this day'[s lizard Oz editorial, with the reptile scribbler deeply love struck for big Mal ...
No mountain is high enough, no valley low enough, ain't no polluted river run off that could match the reptile love-in:
Oh indeed, foolish haters of coal, Malware has spoken and there's a golden copper and coal future, if you don't mind mixing your metallurgies and get thee gone, foolish chief scientist and all you signatories, and please allow the reptiles to worship at the feet of big Mal and indulge their role as the new love media, while referencing their many wonderful experts of the Lomborgian kind:
Yes, there's a moral case, except there is no moral case, because coal doesn't have any feelings or opinions, and Lenore Taylor might blather about how the poor of India aren't likely to cop much new energy from Australian coal, but the reptiles know it's just a form of class warfare, and it has nothing to do with the moral imperative outlined in a business-like way by the fawning Kelly ... make as many bucks as you can while the sun shines, and to hell with the rest ... because while climate change might be real, there's an even bigger risk, and that's missing out on the chance to make big bucks while the sun wastes its energy shining ...
And meanwhile, if ever you want to experience the joys of coal and its many health benefits, spend a little time in Beijing when the smog rolls in and is trapped in the basin by the upper atmosphere ...
Foolish Chinese, fancy wanting to do something about that gift from heaven ...
And there, in a long and roundabout way, is why the pond now has nothing to do, why impressions are down, and why the good old days will never return, unless Mr Nattering Negativity, busy lecturing Britain about the joys of negativity, should happen to return ...
Even if nothing has changed, everyone is in furious agreement, with Lenore Taylor yearning for big Mal as much as the reptiles, and how is it possible to criticise the reptiles as they go about the business of upstaging the old love media by becoming the new love media?
Such a short infatuation with the nattering negativity man, so quickly replaced by the new coal man.
And so the pond is cast into the outer darkness with the cartoonists ... yes, Rowe was also making a joke about the new Turnbullian rhetoric ... and more Rowe here, water-marked and all ... but the pond must now join Oliver in seeking decent employment as a chimney sweep with Mr Gamfield, as befits the new age of coal and copper ...