In which the dog botherer sets the reptile Ēostre egg pace, with populist right wing drum beater Dame Slap being given a slap by the interminable nattering of "Ned" ...

 

The pond is still furious with the reptiles ... a golden chance to celebrate Ēostre Friday gone begging, and with it the chance to talk in pious tones of crucifixions,  spearings, vinegar wine, death, and western civilisation ...

Do they think sending out the dog botherer on an Ēostre Saturday will placate the pond? 

Yes, and they've also sent out nattering "Ned" and Dame Slap and all the others, but isn't that just designed to numb the populace and make them think staying slug a bed is the right response to Ēostre? 

Never mind, at least there's a job to be done, a long futile climb into meaninglessness ... so best to get cracking ...

 

The pond freely grants that the dog botherer is the most predictable and moronic of all the reptiles, but in its own way, that's as comforting as a pagan Ēostre egg hunt.

It will be recalled by many with nothing else to occupy their mind that the dog botherer was on deck with Malware when the epic utegate went down. And so it takes some cheek for the dog botherer now to berate Malware for a political career charactised, above all else, by failures on climate policy...

Shouldn't the dog botherer be cheering on his former incompetent, inept boss? Shouldn't he be scribbling "we fooled 'em boss, we carried out the mad monk's orders, we destroyed the NBN, we pretended climate science was real when we all knew it was fake news, and we did sweet fuck all about it, what a clever bunch we are, how we played the country for patsies ... and now you can go on with the same game for the NSW government, busy at it is destroying Sydney with motorways ..."

Isn't it rich for a climate science denialist to berate a foolish eastern suburbs fop for failing at climate policy? Isn't that the whole point? How else to go on exporting dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, to the world?

Hang on a mo, it's the two-faced double dealer dealing it out to two-faced double dealers, so on we must deal, and get the usual patented DB misère hand ...

 

Dear sweet long absent lord, where did the reptiles get that snap of Hillary Clinton from? Isn't she still running a pedophile ring in the basement of a pizza shop?

Look, the pond didn't write all the above guff. It's the dog botherer himself who evoked the image of a fuckwitted moron from the suburban foothills of Adelaide, incapable of comprehension, and quite possibly anxious to join the maiden aunts on the verandah and watch the wisteria grow ...

You know, if coal is so convenient, practical and efficient, why has coal attracted so many subsidies over the years?

Who knows, but then we're dealing with an Adelaide foothills simpleton, so any explanation would be too complex for him to comprehend ... and so it's best to just quietly listen to his moaning, and bellyaching, remembering all the time that he doesn't accept climate science or its implications for the future ...

 

Somebody else might care to unpack all that nonsense, but the pond is content. A little virus denialism thrown in with the usual climate science denialism, plus Donald Trump, George Pell, BLM, Christian Porter and whatever, and we have a veritable litany of doggy whining and moaning ...

But the self-confessed uncomprehending simpleton from Adelaide is only just getting started, though what he mistakes for irony is only a sure sign of his devotion to wisteria and stupidity ...

 

Scratching our heads? Bewildering? Piss Christ? Where the fuck did that ancient whine come from?

Not to worry, that's what happens when you're a fuckwit from Adelaide, and completely forget Charlie Hebdo, because it's possible to have fun with all religions, but the home grown variety is the most convenient one to hand ...

But as the dog botherer asked for help, perhaps the pond could offer a hand. Has the dog botherer resolutely refused to jet anywhere, simply so he could stick it to greenies and lefties? Does he refuse to fly between Adelaide and that dreaded eastern states NSW? Does he insist on doing it all by the intertubes? Has he thought of doing a Mark Twain?

The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive...but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.
- Mark Twain, a Biography

No? Never mind, time to wrap up with a last whine and moan ... because only fuckwits from Adelaide, contemplating their wisteria, would imagine that they're the only one to consider human rights violations, wherever they might happen, be it in a WA police vehicle or in China...

 

This was meant to be an Easter reflection? That's the best the reptiles can do when it comes to celebrating Ēostre? The pond should have been content with the offering to hand yesterday, because a communion wafer full of gluten would have been more useful to a celiac ...

But as there's been all this talk of Adelaide dunces, the pond wanted to celebrate the weird cross on view in the current reptile advertising campaign for dear old Adelaide ...

 

 

 

Richly funny, n'est-ce pas? Adelaide keeping us safe from the aliens in Antarctica, and never mind the bombing of Darwin ...

Not to worry, pagan Ēostre is a time to celebrate abundance and fertility and the coming spring, and as surely as spring has sprung elsewhere, Dame Slap is to hand, and she's as mad as hell, and not going to take it any more ...

 

Well an egg on the face does sort of celebrate Ēostre fertility rituals, and after that shot of Gladys getting the jab, it's time for SloMo and Hunt to get theirs ...

 

Oh dear that's hard, and the pond presumes that Dame Slap wrote about the AZ vaccine before news of the blood clot man sent the media into a tizz ...

Luckily Dame Slap isn't going to have any of that patented SloMo tokenism and knee jerk shuffling ...

 

Sheesh, there's a lot in there for the dog botherer to unpack and fail to comprehend, but the pond must move on quickly, because in the distance, it can see the Everest of nattering "Ned" hovering ... and he'll have a word or two to say about this rampant right wing populism of the IPA kind ...

 

Dear sweet long absent lord, the dog botherer must still be reeling at his failure to comprehend. How could Dame Slap be so unkind, how could she launch such a vicious and unseemly attack on David Bigproud and the rest of them? How could she take the side of the states, and even include a favourable mention of a Queenslander?

 

Greg Hunt as Comical Ali? The pond could only marvel at the accuracy of the jab ... and so to a final gobbet of jabs ...

 

The pond has no idea where it comes from, but the pond has the vague suspicion that Dame Slap doesn't have much time for SloMo and his mob, and surely this must end in tears for someone ...

Could we yet have a Gladys for Canberra push akin to the good old days of Joh?

And so to some real tears, and not just of the crocodile kind. 

As it's the weekend, and what with the pond  badly let down by the reptiles yesterday, so this day, the pond is determined to offer a full reptile course, and perforce that must include a full dose of nattering "Ned" ...

It will be long, it will be tedious, it will be turgid, it will be pompous, but by the end of it, readers will be reassured that silly hysterical women of the Dame Slap kind, with their idle talk of comical Alis, simply won't matter when it comes to the crunch.

Relax, you're in the safe hands of an elderly white gentleman, roaming the Surry Hills HQ with the dinosaurs, and reptiles of a certain age and mindset are wont to do ...

Best of all "Ned" will pretend to present a balanced view of the situation, though he sometimes slips up, especially when unveiling the demonic radical socialism of the Satan shoes dancing Joe Biden ...

 

Did a reptile photoshop in that STOP sign? Or did it appear by whimsical luck? Before we get in too far with "Ned", please strangle the pond before we get too deep, it's worth noting that even Peter Hartcher was sounding a bit like Dame Slap here ...

 

Now you can see what "Ned" must deal with, in his never ending, portentous turd-polishing, and why he must be so prolix ...

 

Mummy, mummy, is that like reading about FDR, or will we all be celebrating the Donald's restoration in 2024, and the complete fucking of the United States by News Corp and Faux News?

Hush child, at some point all the naughty men will be dead, and in the meantime, you must pay attention to your grand pop "Ned" ... because, you know, communism, socialism, infrastructure, they're all so audaciously intertwined ...

 

At this point, the pond should note that the reptile sub-editors were so overwhelmed by the tedium that they felt the need to insert a shot of Albo ...

 

 

 

But as Albo was smiling and looking vaguely pleased with himself,  the pond thought it entirely missed the point of "Ned's" lengthy, discursive rambling, and should be downplayed so we could get on with the good oil ...

 

Oh dear, talk about a tough question. And talk about a shock for the pond, because it seems like there's a reptile feud in the making. How else to explain "Ned's" talk of media enemies on the populist IPA Dame Slap right drum-beating harder than ever, burning with resentment that they don't "own" Morrison, hostile to his pragmatism, and his willingness to reveal his stupidity and 'Scotty from marketing' approach by announcing a Prime Minister for Women?

 

Um, let's be fair, courtesy of Fox News and the Chairman and the kowtowing lickspittle lackeys down under who do their best for the corporate cause, safe in the knowledge that Mitch and the gang still have enough strength to spike Joe with their talk of a radical, big-spending, high-taxing government interventionist agenda ... because let's face it, all governments are useless, especially the Donald's and especially governments of the SloMo "Scotty from Marketing", and full of Comical Alis, so why bother having any government of any kind? Who cares if American roads and bridges are fucked? That's what SUVs are for, right?

And so to the final "Ned" gobbet of the day, with the pond's  celebration of Ēostre at last feeling it has come to fruition ...

Yes, you can rely on "Ned" to spot a compelling persona. There's nothing like a clap happy speaking in tongues to an imaginary friend to present a compelling persona, while at the same time "Ned" can go on about Joe Biden's Satan shoe dancing socialist radicalism ...

What else? Well luckily the infallible Pope has returned to offer a blessing on proceedings this day with an old school Ēostre egg hunt ...

In which the pond the pond gives up on a reptile Ēostre and the bromancer is no consolation at all ...

 

The pond almost didn't bother this day, what with the irredeemably dull tosh the reptiles served up ...

 

 

Reheated savvy Savva, left over from yesterday? Blather about Queensland, also given a short burst in the microwave? The oscillating fan scribbling in praise of SloMo and his astute cabinet picks? McCrann not showing off his climate science expertise?

And at the top of the page early in the morning it was no better ...

 

That Chinese students story was also a reheat from yesterday.

What happened to the war on China? More importantly, where's bloody Henry, musing about the wonders and joys of Xianity and western civilisation?

C'mon reptiles, this is Easter, and what do we see? The complete secularisation of the lizard Oz, with not a word about the most significant day in the Xian calendar!

The pond was desperate, and inspired by Crikey, thought of doing a greatest caring hits compendium ...

 

 

Yes, that's more likely, the Canavan caravan still rolling, a complete buffoon out and about tweeting ... evoking fond tweeting memories to be found here ...

 

 

That's way more like it, the Canavan caravan always on a journey of sensitivity and awareness ...

The pond even headed off to the WSJ, but who cares about Karl Rove? Where's 'Gaetzgate' when it's needed? And it strutted off to The Times, but Boris carelessly losing his advisor on black matters barely cuts it ... Boris is always losing things, as to the manor and the manner born.

The pond still refuses to visit the reptile tabloids and the likes of the Bolter, those days are gone, and decided the slack arsed reptiles were simply being lazy, and decided to wait it out and publish a little later, because surely the reptiles would come around, and publish at least one piece on Xianity's great weekend. 

Surely Henry would turn up on his donkey?

As the clock ticked on, the pond began to distract itself with other one liners ...

... but it also began to slowly dawn on the pond that Henry might be a no show, that that might be all there is, my friends, and the pond would have to dance with the bromancer and not have booze or a ball ...

Et tu bromancer? Usually the pond could rely on the bromancer for a brave defence of Xianity and western civilisation, especially on such an important day for pagan festival types wanting to celebrate Ēostre eggs and the Ēostre bunny and spring goddess Ēostre in general, and never mind that we're upside down in autumn ...

Instead the bromancer wanted to talk about boys' toys, and heavy kit under the kilt and all that stuff ...

 

Oh sure, there's a trademark "that's nuts" in there, but please, the pond is only doing this under protest ... though no doubt the bromancer will do his best to entertain by citing Lenin, what with him being a devout Marxist under his kilt and all ...

 

Really? This is Ēostre, and all the bromancer can do is go on a war footing? Should we be instituting a recycling of Easter bunny chocolates and aluminium pots and pans as we prepare for World War III?

 

Say what? There's a question over the submarines? Back in the day the bromancer was being cited here as an expert on a certain issue ...

Yes, back then the bromancer was talking down the French and talking up a match made in heaven, as these samples recall ...

 

And then a quick jump to the end ... and it's still a match made in heaven, but it turned out that the best match made in heaven was a turn with the French, and stuff the Japanese. Who would have guessed it, who could imagine the bromancer ready for a clash of gears (ah fond memories of the days of clutches and clutch starts), and patented 180 degree turn, hard to starboard me hearties ...

 

Or maybe it really couldn't be ...

Oh sheesh, here it is, Ēostre and the pond is discussing kit with the bromancer yet again. As the professor said in The Bourne Identity, "Look at us. Look at what they make you give."

Come on bromancer, please wrap it up with a few genuine cliches of the 'generals fighting the last war' kind ...

 

What, there's another gobbet to go, and the bromancer wants to raise the spectre (Bondian pun intended) of the failed Joint Strike Fighters initiative?

 

Well the pond has already been down the joint strike fighter garden path, and is pleased to note the bromancer diligently at work undermining the frigates program and a general confidence in the public that we will be ready to participate in World War III by Xmas, but the pond couldn't help but feel there had been treachery afoot ...

The immortal Rowe slacking off, the infallible Pope gone missing, our Henry nowhere to be seen, the bromancer going nuts in his usual way, and the pond only left with a bit of a left over First Dog cartoon with which to celebrate Ēostre! 

Yes, you'll have to go to the Graudian here to see the whole cartoon, but at least it provides the pond with a sense of closure, since somewhere way up above the reptiles were bitching about the states ... and now off to bite on a hot X bun, because there's nothing like a cross on a bun to make the pond salivate ... it surely beats the timely delivery of a vaccine ruined by cancel culture ...

And so at precisely 7.40 am in the morning, the pond pronounced a reptile Ēostre dead, at least for this bad Friday, this no good Friday, this is nuts, and reluctantly, slowly hit the publish button ...

In which the pond offers the usual savvy Savva fare, followed by reptile goss about a classic April fool ...

 

It occurred to the pond overnight that Australian conservative men must really work harder. 

Sure there was a sex worker invited to the NSW parliament, and a resignation, and assorted Canberra bubble scandals still bubbling along, but then along comes a possible Gaetzgate and that Tucker Carlson interview, producing stories of the Five of the oddest moments from Carlson-Gaetz interview kind ...

The pond was distracted and transfixed, and even that Media Bites moment where petulant Peta was "seeing" assorted Canberra bullies and the savvy Savva was "seeing" bullying petulant Peta left the pond wondering if again it had been left to women on Sky to crank up the level of righteous hypocrisy ...

We must all work harder at the fervent mismatch between our stated beliefs and our actual deeds if we're going to have any chance of matching it with the Americans ...

And so to the lizard Oz, and sure enough the savvy Savva was out and about, and the reptiles had excelled, by putting up a snap of the Queensland premier over the cancellation of a festival ordered by the NSW health minister ...

 

 

 Say what? Even the Terror could manage an appropriate snap better?

 

Never mind, it's on with the savvy Savva for the usual scolding of SloMo ...

 

 

Actually, getting the vaccine rollout working, instead of bickering with the states, might be a good idea, you know an actual exercise in actual government, actually, but never mind, the bollocking is good and right and just, so do go on ...

 

 

Ah, that's a relief. Back on track with the mutton Dutton. It reminded the pond of an anguished howl by Rundle of Crikey ... (paywall) ...

...This issue raises obvious contradictions when your aim in implementing quotas for gender fairness is so you can pursue a career denying people fairness as regards class, race, indigeneity, identity etc.
Perhaps some Liberal women have had their general consciousness raised about other forms of oppression; but since the point of the philosophy is to not see things from someone else’s point of view, don’t hold your breath.
While all this celebration of gender solidarity was going on, Liberal women MPs dutifully supported stripping anti-wage-theft provisions from the industrial relations bill, exposing hundreds of thousands to predatory action in another form.

 

Indeed, indeed, but the pond apologises for the interruption, and returns to the listing of duds and what might have been done ...

 

 

 

Or he could simply enjoy an infallible Pope, as the pond is wont to do ...
 

 

And so to the disappointment for the day. The pond looked further down the page, and was met by an even bigger blast of tedium ...

 

There was absolutely nothing there to amuse or distract the pond. Sure there was a blast at the Queensland government, but what's new about that?

Elsewhere you might read of a feud between NSW and the feds ...

Elsewhere you might read interesting news on the matter of climate science ...

 

You might even head off to read the report here ...

Or you might settle for a little reptile goss, as the pond did, featuring Malware, popping up again like a fracker who missed his chance, but now can see the chance for more gaseous emissions ...

 

 

 

Is it possible that seeing Malware out and about again is even more tedious than seeing the mad monk still grasping for relevance? Naturally the reptiles had a field day with the goss ...

 

 

Indeed, indeed. Where to start? With the Graudian in 2015 perhaps?

 

Yes, and has this man got an energy-inefficient, mixed up, fucked up NBN to sell you ...

Or perhaps here ... because the pond can never get enough snaps of the Malware in full self-satisfied bullshit mode ...

 

Yes, yes, lovely shot of the pontificating wanker in full flight, but what did he say?

Oh never mind, back to wrap up the reptile goss, and a gentlemen-only club where women are generously invited in as guests ...

 

The only surprise for the pond? Yep, it's that beefy Angus should express surprise, what with him being an exceptionally stupid man, with gigantic hypocrisy, incompetence, deviousness and assorted blunders a feature of the release, rather than a bug in the malware ...

Never mind, that's enough for the pond this day, time for the immortal Rowe, with more Rowe here ...