In which the pond suggests an insult-laden Xmas will produce much joy and goodwill ...

The pond wasn't happy leaving the year with our Gracie, and was relieved when a friend pointed out a chance for the pond to wrap up proceedings by sounding presidential.

The pond has long wanted to say that the reptiles are scum, all of them, the scum of the earth, the scum that litters bathtubs, the slimy scummy film you can find on a pond, especially one full of gibbering loons, the dross scum scoria to be found on the metals of life, the scum refuse that's lower than the garbage bin the garbos unloaded this morning …

This scum is utterly unlike the garbos, who actually do something useful and meaningful.

Does this mean that facilitators, enablers and fellow travellers of the Phillips Adams or Gra Gra kind are scum too? Of course they are, they're all scum, and all those who scribble for the lizard Oz about the y'artz or travel or food or whatever, the lickspittle fellow traveling David Strattons, are also scum …

It's scum city, the basest form of scum sipping on the world class coffees provided by the baristas of Surry Hills ...

Hang on, hang on, the pond can hear you say, that's being a bit stern, a bit unbending.

But of course the pond wasn't just sounding presidential in the Donald style, the pond was following the bromancer in the cheerful dinkum art of the insult and the put-down …

Of course Nino Culotta actually happened to be a white dude going by the name John O'Grady, and so the wops, dagoes, wogs, chinks, gooks, towel heads and such like didn't have much of a say in the fine art of dinkum comic abuse. Nor did poofters, queers, weirdos, deviants, perverts and such like …

Some of them even felt a tad alienated and actually insulted … which just goes to show how wogs lack a sensahuma. 

It was the same with poofters. Try calling someone a poofter in the 1950s, and see how the wonderful art of the dinkum insult would make you feel good about yourself, and pleased to identify with poofters.

No, it was much better to be like the pond's father, and when driving through Rockdale, cheerfully announce that we were leaving Wogdale.

Talk about a thigh slapper, talk about fucking laugh, laugh and fucking laugh, until you fucking laughed yourself silly … though come to think of it, the pond can't remember the wogs sharing in the mirth …in much the same way as the black bastards and the chink bastards didn't find 'bastard' such a comical and endearing term … but please don't let the pond get in the way of the bromancer going down memory lane, and incidentally sticking it to the pieties our Gracie gravely covered yesterday ...

Indeed, indeed, and that's why the pond is pleased and proud to call the reptiles scum. Could there be a better way for the pond to express its affection for the reptiles at end of year than to call them the filthy ring on the bathtub, the floating detritus, the slimy green layer to be found on stagnant ponds, the delight and joy of mosquito breeders everywhere ...

Of course the reptile readership was ecstatic, and it brought back fond memories of the good old days, when the way to keep a slut or a whore in line was to give her a whack in the moosh, and remind her she was a bitch, a bloody useless bitch …trust the pond, it was kindly meant, because unless you spoke firmly to a bitch, or whacked a bloody poofter in the keister, they might decide they could step out of line …

You'd follow it up with a line like "I loves ya, ya silly old moo", and all would be well, and domestic bliss would reign …and as for the poofters? Well anyone who couldn't see the undiluted dinkum comedy in 'turd burglars' was surely too far gone for help ...

And now for a moment, a little presidential speech …

Now once the pond gets on a roll, it seems it can't stop the insults flying, and who better to help out than the Oreo. The pond regrets that its weekly routine has dragged the Oreo down from her once high place ...

It turns out that the Oreo this day is thematically very much in line with the bromancer…

Note the use of "queer" which is inordinately amusing and clever, because there's nothing funnier than gay jokes about gays, using double meanings … you know, in the style, if you happen to be driving through Wogdale, to joke about the wog bastards oiling and greasing up the landscape …

But sadly it seems the wowsers and the do-gooders and the snowflakes are trying to stop these jolly japes amongst chums, well at least white middle-aged chums ...

Oh dear, what a blast, what a trip down memory lane …

Ah Dworkin, Jeffreys and Oreo, how the names trip off the feminist tongue, and so gaily ...

So much for the pond's trans friends, and so much for reptile scum … but please remember, the pond is only sounding presidential about the Oreo, because it's a jolly jape suited to the Xmas season.

Just remember when at the Xmas table, a surly look around at all the bloody relatives will see the festivities get off with a real kick when you call them a pack of bloody poofter bastards ...

It seems a long way from speaking civilly to a trans person, and using the identity that they offer the world, to drag in talk of the Chinese system, but that's how you argue when you have a scum mentality, and all around you, your paranoia sees you angry at the world, and at people who think, look, and act differently to you …

Apparently if you call a he a she, or a she a he, it's a lie, unless you demand a genital check to ascertain the truth of the matter …

Sheesh, were things funnier in the 1950s?

Oh shove a pineapple up your righteous bigoted non-submitting bum, or if you prefer, as we did in Tamworth, insert a giant woolly Pioneer bus …

And now perhaps that's done it, perhaps no reptile can top this seasonal goodwill, perhaps the reptiles and the pond have shown the world that the way forward is to insult everyone and all will be well …

And so the pond can wish its readers merry Xmas and all the best for the new year, as it heads off in search of a working tram …

Here, enjoy a few more insults to go with the pudding …