In which the pond does its best to avoid reptile election fever ...

 

With its careful curation of the lizard Oz, the pond is doing its very best to avoid the reptiles blathering on endlessly about the election, but it's getting harder by the day … 

Look, there's nattering "Ned" nattering away, and there's the reptiles getting agitated about the ABC for the squillionth time, while faithfully pumping up the show as a must-see reportable event, and look at this intractable line-up …

Of course some of these contributions can be dismissed out of hand. 

Dame Groan and the Caterists are paid to sing for their supper - where would the Caterist be without government cash in the paw, would Dame Groan sing so cheerfully without 358k in the kick? - and so sing they do …but even the commentary section is replete with recalcitrant reptiles determined to bore the pond silly …

The pond thought about turning to the Oreo, only to discover that the fetid air of defeatism had swamped her usual sunny optimism …

Oh cheer up, buck up, why only yesterday the dog botherer had assured the pond, and anyone else not on Twitter that SloMo was going to wing in a romp. 

The heroic work of Pravda down under will be rewarded, the pond is sure of it, all the furious scribbling surely won't be in vain, though the pond is always wary of the preacher saying vanity, all is vanity …

But lo, the canny-eyed will have already noted that the pond had been saved, redeemed, because in that gaggle of google-eyed reptiles, right beside the defeatist Oreo there was the eternally vigilant Moorice, and not so far away on the extreme right was the dashing Donners.

Hallelujah, and the pond knew it was right, just and so, because Moorice had been awarded the cult Lobbecke of the day, making him the reptile choice for certified visual weirdness. 

So even though the pond has very little time for Chris Cuomo, the pond decided to get on with it, and with Moorice …

The pond suspects it knows who the forces of light are, wanting to battle the Satanic darkness of the ABC and run it out of town. After all, Moorice and the reptiles so regularly embark on a crusade against the ABC that the pond almost thinks sometimes the ABC must be doing something right … until it switches on ABC breakfast and is confronted by Michael Rowland telling some pathetic, groan-inducing joke.

We keed, we keed, we mustn't be facetious or light-hearted in this hour of national peril and Moorice's deeply fomented rich brew of hysteria and paranoia …

Stand-by for a Moorice rant, followed by an hysterically funny "these are not partisan observations." There you go, Mr Rowland, that's how to do a joke ...

Indeed, indeed, as a climate denialist Moorice is without peer. Who else could demonise science as a religious belief, and reduce the whole thing to a discussion of a theological tract. What a wonder he is, and surely without a partisan bone in his deluded soul …

And that breach of Godwin's Law was stunning, when really he should have stuck to an example closer to home, say "we've heard from Anne Frank, now let's hear what Moorice's got to say."

Truly the pond felt redeemed, but was worried that Moorice might inadvertently stray into a discussion of politics once the ABC's hideous climate science conspiracy had been unveiled ...

Oh he did stray, he did, but how right and just that he should stick up for poor old Pauline, and her One Nation party, so cruelly done down by a global conspiracy … and never mind that Moorice is scribbling for a paper aligned with a US administration, under the careful supervision of Mike Pence, that punishes homosexuality, TG folk, women wanting to control their bodies, and such like, with unemployment and contempt a much more subtle reward than a stoning … though Moorice's chums do like to consort with Saudi Arabia, which does all that agitates Moorice and a whole lot more, the most recent being the butchering of Yemen, and the public beheading of 37 people in the town square, with the public display of the beheaded corpses …

Yes, there's none so righteous as those who consort …

 

But why should Moorice mention such trivia, when he's being rampantly righteous?

Sssh, not a word about the unsustainable financial and ideological trajectory of the reptiles, though that mention of GetUp! did remind the pond of Moorice's contribution to the culture wars …

 

What a marketing genius he is, what a top notch climate scientist, what a great distraction from full-blown reptile election fever, and it put the pond in a good mood, ready to mark dashing Donners' assignment ...

Frankly the pond felt the need to mark down this first gobbet. No mention of how the Catholic education system was by far the best, and the way forward for this troubled land, no mention of Gramsci's long march through the institutions, no mention of cultural Marxism, no mention of leftist conspiracies, and perhaps worst of all, no mention of Western civilisation and Judeo-Christianity.

All the pond can do is urge dashing Donners to address these notes, and improve the essay, or he'll be heading to a crushing 'fail' ...

Now the pond is pleased to note that at last Western Civilisation and Judeo-Christianity has entered the assignment, but it's far too late. The pond was taught at an early stage that an essay should first state its theme, then elaborate on proofs of the theme, and then end with a flourish by recapping the theme and the evidence …

It's simply not good enough to toss away the key message in the body of the text, while completely ignoring such salient matters as cultural Marxism … and the pond is afraid that not even suggesting importing the failed US notion of school vouchers - as a help to Catholic and private schooling - will redeem this essay ...

Free of fads and politically correct ideology, but littered with come to Jesus moments? 

Well it might work for the Catholics, but the pond has to think that dashing Donners has been much too modest in this outing, and here's hoping for a return to form in his next outing. The pond must grade this assignment as poor, a "D", with the student required to work harder. Remember, an essay without a mention of Gramsci and cultural Marxism will automatically fail!

And now, though it makes the day inordinately long, the pond had to turn to the pond's Monday favourite, the Major, still in search of that wretchedly tricky Order of Lenin medal, and with one of its observers recently passing on to scour the heavens for  it ...

Now that headline seemed much too inclusive: "Media fails to see" seems to suggest a damning critique of News Corp, the lizard Oz, the tabloids, Sky ranters and all the rest who make up the bulk of the media in this country … the giveaway tree killers that litter airport gateways, or turn up on in airport lounges, no matter how many letters you might write to Qantas suggesting you don't need to listen to a pack of ranters while waiting for a delayed flight in the evening.

Even worse the tone of the opening splash made the pond think of a panel in a recent Wilcox cartoon ...

For the moment, the full Wilcox can be found by scrolling down the pages here, but enough dilly dallying, it's on with Major delights, even if it also involves election chatter ...

Uh huh. And so to big government, when what we all know is needed is big Murdoch, or if you will, Major Murdoch ...

Shocking stuff, when we all know that the Major is in favour of cradle-to-the-grave embrace by the Murdochians, the IPA, and such like, though with that sort of help, the trip from the cradle to the grave might get a tad shorter … but not to worry, because the Major is shocked and tormented by terrifying images of the elderly getting free dental care … when everyone knows they'd be better off with dentures, or perhaps death by abscess ...

Indeed, indeed, and it would be terrible if poor old Josh Frydenberg, up against Oliver Yates and Julian Burnside, would be tormented by Adani approvals, while up in the deep north the LNP goes feral with Clive …

As Mr Morrison sought to defuse the row while campaigning in Queensland on Monday, Liberal-National Party MPs restated their belief that a deliberate go-slow had been placed on the environmental approval process to save seats in Victoria and in other inner-city electorates where the mine is unpopular. (AFR here).

But the great thing about being able to fiddle with genetics, is the ability to make the reptiles one-eyed, and there's no-one more one-eyed than the Major - except perhaps the one-eyed magpie the pond used to be terrorised by when it roamed around the Tamworth house in search of mince …

And so to a last gobbet of one-eyed Major ranting about the meejia...

By golly, the pond sensed in the Major the the same sort of defeatism that infected the Oreo … what with talk of Labor surfing into government.

Is it all in vain, all this talk of big government, and the right of people to die from an infected mouth?

Come on reptiles, come on, there's still almost to two weeks to go, plenty of time for more unfair, unbalanced, deformed and misleading representations of the Major kind. 

Don't give up, work harder and harder, skew and twist and tilt even more, remember the little engine that could do it, maintain the rage, maintain the hysteria, blame the ABC, proclaim the end of education, Western civilisation, and Judeo-Christianity, note that climate science is the new religion …

You can do it, just don't spend too much time looking at the real world, stay inside gazing at the telly, and you too might end up in a Rowe cartoon … remember there'll be more Rowe cartoons here, make sure to book your spot ...