In which, thanks to the reptiles of Oz, the pond gets bigger and better than Tolstoy ... and a thumb leads to a novel version of War and Peace ...

The pond always thought that this was going to be an excellent year but who knew, who could have guessed, that Peter "right thumb mutton" Dutton would set an exemplary pace, even trumping the Joker the pond was regularly forced to play this season in card games the pond reliably dislikes ...

Who knew that the pond would be forced into a massive William Burroughs' historical tribute so early in the year, with an epic cut and paste, as contending reptiles feud and fuss ...

Now this will test the sternest of souls, but if you only make base camp, never mind. By refusing to read about stupid people doing stupid things, and reptiles writing up the stupid things in stupid ways, you can probably feel your IQ expanding exponentially ...

You see, it all started way back when, with the reptiles on the weekend mounting a rearguard action, using leaks to fortify their boy Briggs ... 

The defence, deploying assorted leaks, was elaborate and dressed up as news:

There, you see, the bar had been set impossibly high by Malware ...

On and on the report, and the embedded defence went - it's easily decoded by reptile cryptologists - with the implication that the public servant had actually had a spiffing time ...

The way the yarn spun out, it seems that poor old Jamie had been done over like a marble table in a PM's office (is this further proof for the pond's thesis that the names parents give to children determine their Jamie fate?):

Naturally the dog botherer was on stand-by to assert the editorial line. After all, if it's okay to bother dogs, where's the harm in a little female bothering?

You see? Ministerial standards ridiculously high, and so picking up on the alleged "news" line, we copped the usual dog botherer rant, which makes Seinfeld taking a ride with Obama seem like it's about something ...

Uh huh. You see it's the business of dog bothering fools to defend the behaviour of female bothering fools ...

But now into the saga comes another element ... 

What sayeth the dog botherer to this sort of judgment?

What sayeth the maiden? 

How does the dog botherer's defence and hand wringing hold up? And as a bonus, could we have a photo of the minister in his prime, a sort of wheel chair parade of hits and memories of the kind that beguiled the pond on its travels, thanks to community station Radio East Gippsland (105.5 and 90.7 on your Bairnsdale and Lakes Entrance dial)?

Oh dear. Excellent stuff.

And how much alcohol was involved? Can we use 'copious'? Or is 'hefty' more to the point?

Uh huh. A trifling matter ...

And that 'rearguard action' would be the ill-fated rearguard action that was mounted by the reptiles of the Weekend Oz and the dog botherer ...

And so to today's fuss, with the cack-handed mutton, passing as way past used date Dutton, making sure the fuss carried on ...

And the most bemusing thing is the way most of the splashes avoided the word "fuck" while calling a woman a witch was all part of the fun ... after all, who can forget the most excellent days of that Abbott lad while in opposition urging the country to ditch the witch?

Here's Fairfax avoiding the word ...

Here's the reptiles of Oz ...

It was left to the tabloid Terrorists to spell it out ...

Yep, it seems he called her a "mad fucking witch".

So the pond would be entitled to call the mutton Dutton a mad fucking texting fool.

And so to the reptiles today, trying to recover from the damage that they had caused ...

Yes, it's no doubt time to move on with the fucking of Gonski, and the NBN, and many other matters richly deserving a fucking over, but the pond found the whole saga, and the role the reptiles played in it - with bonus Dutton thumb - wondrous to behold.

You see, at the end of it all, the Daily Terrorists, in their editorial today, decided it was actually all Malware's fault:

That's right. It's Malware that's been found wanting.

Not the inept reptiles of the Weekend Oz attempting to save a fool; not the reptiles running a photo of the public servant in question, apparently thinking this would work as some kind of defence, rather than be revealed as a wretched, opportunistic, leak; not the dog botherer trying to pretend it was all a trifling matter, because if you can bother dogs you can certainly bother women; not the architect of his own misfortune, the klutzy, table-dancing, hefty-drinking Briggs; not the thumb-sucking mutton passing for a Dutton, who managed to keep the fuss alive for a little longer, but Malware himself ...

Yes, in all this, the killer line that had the pond rolling Jaffas down the aisle was that bit: 

"To his credit, Dutton immediately apologised for his careless blunder."

To his credit, Lord Cardigan immediately apologised to his men for the difficulties they experienced during the charge of the Light Brigade in the Battle of Balaclava, and his careless tactical blunders...

Of course the obvious headline was Dutton found wanting with Briggs debacle.

But the reptiles love their fuckwits and their dunderheads, and the more plod Dutton sticks his boot up his sizeable rear, the better fun there'll be for the rest of the year ...

Meanwhile, the pond was moved to tears by this note, spotted while roaming around the neighbourhood on the weekend ...

It's wrong of course. The pond's broadband was never made to work so it could be broken ... who would have guessed Camperdown was just as bad as Gippsland?

And so on to fucking up Gonski, while making sure that church based private schools keep on pocketing a motza ...

Ah, it's grand News Corp time to be alive ...