(Above: the pond's preferred snap for its ongoing coverage of Mark Latham's lunches, found here).It's an outrage, and the pond deeply sympathises with anyone who's suffered as a result.
When you head off to the AFR's opinion page today, you're offered gormless twits like Rowan Dean attempting to be funny about the NBN, in NBN runs rings around itself and all else.
Cor blimey guvnor, when someone starts off a comedy piece with cor blimey, you know that the shades of Norman Wisdom and Benny Hill live deep in Dean's gut.
It's part of a weekend rag this weekend given over to much NBN bashing, some of it ostensibly news, most of it deeply pathetic, as the AFR maintains its NBN rage and tries to work out a decent digital strategy for a changing world in which it's been left behind.
But that's not the real outrage. In an attempt to get the punters to fork over the readies, the AFR has denied the world the bizarre sight of Mark Latham doing lunch with Christopher Pyne, as recorded in Christopher Pyne's school lunch.
That's simply not acceptable. Such transformational gems of wisdom should be free to all, because there's a good chance the world might be saved simply by reading these profound insights.
Because it's a beauty, a ripper of a column, as the first par establishes from the get go:
For reasons I have never fully understood, I like Christopher Pyne. Perhaps it's the novelty of his posh South Australian accent and social graces - something I only encounter through politics. Perhaps it's the energy he brings to a conversation, a spinning top of irreverent humour, most of it self-deprecating. As hard as I try, I cannot bring myself to dislike him. Rare among Liberals, he has tamed my sharpest class-warrior instincts.
Yep, it's set the washing machine cycle to nausea, as the fearless class-warrior hunkers down with Pyne at the Great Century Restaurant in Bankstown, for a sizzling serve of steamed prawn dumplings, chicken spring rolls, steamed scallop dumplings, prawn rice noodles, steamed whole prawn dumplings, steamed spinach and prawn dumplings, broccoli in oyster sauce, a chinese tea and 1 soda water for a commendable comradely lumpenproletariat $47-80.
Now the pond has already used up the metaphor of the farmer and the pigs in George Orwell's Animal Farm, which is a pity, because it could be rolled out yet again, though truth to tell, it would be impossible to guess who's the farmer and who's the pig in this story.
What we can say with absolute certainty is that the simpering Latham is right on side with Pyne as he sticks the boot into the Australian education system. This often involves an evocation of the fear of Asians and Latham is fast off the mark:
Hard work is the resident way of life, with the sons and daughters of these Asian migrants blitzing entry to the best schools in Sydney. By comparison, students who suffer from poor classroom teaching and do not compensate through long hours of homework have little hope. In understanding the realities of Australian schooling, there could not be a more appropriate location for lunching with the opposition spokesman for education, apprenticeships and training.
There could also not be a more appropriate way of conflating FUD in relation to the Australian education system, so that Pyne can then get on a roll and stick the boot in, with a similar bout of fear and loathing:
Pyne's starting point is to end the disconnection between education professionals and schools users. "There are two different worlds in school education," he says. "There is the world of academics and education professionals who have been around for decades, all defending the last 30 years of pedagogy in schools. Then there is the world of parents and students who have a very different view of the quality of education they are either paying for or receiving."
Yep, it's the straw man/woman/person of disconnected academics and professionals rolled out for yet another bashing, and it makes you wonder what the point of an education is, since it's likely to turn you into an academic or a professional, or even worse an elite expert, ripe for a bashing by two armchair boofheads hunkering down over a Chinese meal.
Anyhoo, let's skip over Latham remembering Paul Keating proclaiming a victory for the true believers in 1993, and Pyne being elected to parliament the same year - "the career parallels between Keating and Pyne are striking" with "both underestimated early in their careers" - perhaps pausing only to celebrate the way Pyne rejects fried morsels for steamed dishes - because his preference for steamed vegies provides a truly wonderful metaphor for the state of education:
He is no less discerning about teacher quality. "In every staffroom, 5 to 15 per cent of the teachers are not up to scratch, so it is commonly accepted that some students are going to be taught by underperforming teachers. This is unacceptable," he says, his speech intensifying above the clatter of the Great Century regulars. "The teachers' union has made excuses for this problem, but it's unacceptable. What we need is for underperforming teachers to be managed out of the system."
Indeed. If only the same could be said for self-congratulatory politicians. It's true that the system managed to get rid of the underperforming Mark Latham, but why on earth hasn't the system devised a way to get rid of the prattling poodle Pyne? This is simply not acceptable.
Back to the conundrum of education, which led to Mark Latham.
Pyne's solution? Why to make state schools just like private schools?
"... why is Labor trying to make non-government schools more like government schools? What we should be doing is making government schools more like non-government schools."
The supine Latham, an expert at Dorothy Dixers and sucking it up, doesn't bother to defend state schools or take it up to Pyne. Instead he spends a few pars having a bash at Tony Abbott and nattering negativity, before going on to hail Pyne as the new education messiah:
Most shadow ministers are reluctant to put a foot forward for fear of putting wrong. Pyne, by contrast, is willing to confront vested interests, to break the power of Australia's "education club" - the informal alliance of unionists, bureaucrats and public educationalists who have weakened our schools through a social worker approach to learning.
And remember this is a man who started off his opening par by referring to his class-warrior instincts. Now you might think - in an unguarded non-feminist moment - that he actually sounds like a complete and utter pussy, or perhaps tosser, but Latham is actually still stuck in the "harden the fuck up or I'll fuck you hard" mode of life, the usual home of boofheads and thugs.
It's not a club that welcomes the club of caring effete do-gooders:
The club believes that academic testing places too much pressure on children, that the most important function of schooling is pastoral care. This nonsense has led to the proliferation of counsellors, chaplains, facilitators and mental health assessors in schools. In many cases, there is more social work being completed in classrooms than school work.
Yes, harden the fuck up Australia, so that you too can learn how to assault taxi drivers.
Naturally Christopher is in complete agreement, and never mind that it was the Howard government that sprang school chaplains on the world:
Pyne is concerned by this trend, wanting school education to return to the basics of scholarly achievement.
So that we can turn out highly qualified academics and professionals who can be reviled by Pyne and Latham for being inept.
Never mind, there's several more pars, including a sideswipe at Jeff Kennet and Beyondblue, and at Dr Katherine Dix from Flinders University, along with a celebration of the value of NAPLAN testing - which should be more rigorous for primary school kids, not less - harden the fuck up primary school kids - before we cop this doozy from the class warrior:
As the yum cha trolleys empty and our lunch concludes, Pyne makes his way onto the streets of Keating country, glancing wistfully at the sports club opposite. I get the feeling that, just as Keating repaired Australia's economic policies, Pyne will do the same for school education. He might not have the appearance or the voice of a hard-edged reformer but in public life, such things can be mis-leading.
It's lucky that Paul Keating is still with us, or otherwise he'd be rolling in his grave. Poor Keating. Who'd have thought he'd have to cop a comparison between him and Christopher Pyne from a sharp class-warrior?
But still the yammering class warrior isn't finished with his Keating/Bankstown comparisons:
Who would have thought a young Bankstown branch-stacker like Keating would have liberalised economic policy and set Australia on the path to unparalleled wealth creation? In spotting a reformer, it's not image that matters but intent. It's the crusading passion of the 1 per cent of politicians dedicated to to making a difference. Over prawn dumplings and steamed broccoli, my lunch guest has proved his credentials - and I'm no pushover when it comes to judging someone's toughness.
Get it? The fawning class warrior has proved his toughness by hailing Christopher Pyne as the new Keating, Mr. one per cent, a passionate crusader who's going to make a difference. Oh dear sweet absent lord, why are you so cruel ...
After several false starts during the Howard years and the unfulfilled promise of Labor's "education revolution" Pyne is now the Great White Hope for Australia's parents and students.
Which perhaps proves that you can fool all the people some of the time, since anyone who thinks Pyne is the messiah, as opposed to just another naughty boy, is surely a Great White Dope.
If he delivers on his policy program, he will substantially boost national productivity and opportunity. In the new Bankstown, with its rising aspirational class in search of the best schools and the best teachers, this would be hailed as the sweetest victory of all.
Oh poor Keating, his line cruelly stolen and assigned to Pyne. Et tu dumb brute Latham?
And the Bankstown aspirational class will sweep to a life of glory. Or at least that's what the pigs told the animals (and the farmer) in Animal Farm.
So here's the thing. The pond gets its weekend comedy material flung over the front fence for free.
Did you willingly pay to access this gibberish? Sorry, that makes you a contender for great white dope status.
The meal might have only cost fifty bucks, but when the opinions are free, somehow it makes it all right that at the same time they're worth nothing.
Unless of course you're a teacher. Or perhaps a student.
Because the next few years might well turn into a nightmare, and not just a smorgasbord of dumplings, but of Christopher Pyne dumpings, aided and abetted by a class-warrior so sharp they flung him out of the cutlery drawer years ago ...
(Below: and so to a portrait of Mark Latham's lunch guest).
What do you expect from two mincers
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