From an Assange to a Grech in a single leap and a paranoid bound ...

(Above: good old Steve Bell strikes again for The Guardian. Find him and other cartoons here).

The chattering classes are having a field day today in the matter of Assange, and the pond feels inclined to join in the chatter.

After all, it's not every day we get reminded of the colonial instincts deeply embedded in the British psyche, and last given a decent outing when the filthy Argies were taught a lesson by Maggie.

Now this neo-colonial outing has treated the world to the sight of the British flourishing a big stick. Well played Britain, keep those presumptuous Latin Americans in check, and what a pity the whole of South America was turned into a playground for Spain and Portugal in the early days. Where's Sir Francis Drake when he's needed ...

And it's not every day we're treated to the strange sight of plucky little Ecuador - with its dodgy track record - accusing Australia of not caring about its citizens or human rights. And dammit, what's even worse is that the Ecuadoreans are right, seeing as we now have Julia Gillard in full blown, party-trick John Howard impersonation.

Was it so long ago that Gillard and Robert "the Goose" McClelland were accusing Assange, without caution or evidence or care, of criminal acts?

And then there's the strange matter of Nick Clegg and the vanishing progessive. The pond has a few Lib Dem friends in the UK, but lordy how they've gone silent. Perhaps it's the teasing by the pond, or perhaps they realise that at the next election the Lib Dems are going to crash and burn in a way that makes the Democrats' obliteration at the ballot box seem like a carefully calculated retreat.

Naturally everybody is worried about the outcome, what with the United States, Sweden and Great Britain all seemingly incapable of making a few guarantees, which would seem extraordinarily easy if the matter was as discussed, a relatively minor matter even in the world of Sweden's strange laws in relation to sex.

And yet the guarantees stick in the craw and people wonder why Assange is paranoid.

Now that it's clear that there's no hope of civilised behaviour and reasonable negotiation, the pond has an easy solution.

It should be simple for the United States to send in a drone and take out the Ecuador embassy. That'd teach those uppity Latin Americans a lesson, and Assange along with them. Oh sure there'd be a little diplomatic fuss, but really Britain wants the building back, and it would be a perfect spot for redevelopment in the heart of London.

And would it be any more of a diplomatic fuss than the full-blown one cultivated by the British foreign office with their intemperate colonial ways?

Yes, the pond had the pleasure of watching the Ecuadorean foreign minister lather himself up last night live on 24, and what fun it was.

Almost as much fun as watching the unctuous doofus Bob Carr drone on while washing his hands of the matter. Much like Australia will wash itself of the Labor government at the next election, and many of its base won't lift a finger to stop it happening ...

As for Britain, when even that top twit Jeremy Clarkson thinks it's a nation of complete and utter bastards, how long before David Cameron is rolled? ('A nation of bastards': Jeremy Clarkson hits out after Twitter abuse over dead dog).

But enough of the idle chatter, because today produces another truly wondrous sight. Yep Godwin Grech has returned from where ever he was, broken his silence, and produced this tremendous column, Abbott PM and G-G Howard will restore the golden days.

The pond had to pinch the cheek for fear that it had lapsed into a midsummer night's dream, or even worse into a Woody Allen variant on the play.

At first it seemed like a cunning ploy to destroy Malcolm Turnbull. Oh wait it is:

Malcolm Turnbull will continue to be the target of faux love from the Left as attempts are made to destabilise the Coalition. The simple truth, however, is that Turnbull's days as leader of the Liberal Party are over. The reasons for his leadership failure are well documented, even if some elements have been deliberately exaggerated to disguise various flaws.

Uh huh. Yes, and whatever we do, let's not mention Utegate.

Even more strange, Grech starts off his outing by berating the Rudd-Gillard government for the way Australian governance since November 2007. This from a one-time public servant who during the infamous days of the Utegate and email affair that brought down Turnbull displayed not the first clue about governance or propriety.

Now it's easy to understand why Fairfax published this opinion piece from Godwin Grech. After all, if you had a communication reviving memories of Watergate from a player in the game of course you'd give it a trot.

And nobody reads The Spectator Australia - well no one who wants to retain their brain cells and a shred of decency - so a little recycling would indeed bring the piece to a wider audience.

It's win-win, especially when you could give your readers a chortler like this closing par:

The truly competent apolitical public service professionals will hang on thanks to ability and reputation. As for the others, irrespective of competence, they could be seen for what they are.

The truly competent apolitical public service professionals!? Sorry, it's the sheer brazen audacity that's wonderful and remarkable, and so bears repetition ...

And then there's this vision of the future:

At a time of profound structural change, a nation which neglects any of its top-line leadership prospects is failing its people. In September 2013, Quentin Bryce's term as governor-general is due to end. By any objective measure, Howard would make a first-class head of state who would be warmly embraced by Buckingham Palace. He would perfectly complement Tony Abbott, providing Australians with a world-class leadership team.

By any objective measure?

Grech somehow has access to an objective measure?

John Howard as G-G? Oh yes, it's yet another sublime example of the way truly competent apolitical public service professionals can have a grand vision, a way forward, for a truly competent apolitical public figurehead.

I know, I know, by the end of it all the pond suspected it was a hoax, a leg pull, a harmless prank that led to a reflexive desire to check the calendar and confirm it wasn't April 1.

But then a deeper suspicion formed in the pond's mind, perhaps inspired by spending too much time thinking in an Assange way about the world.

Was Grech still an undercover agent for Malcolm Turnbull, working to undermine Tony Abbott by floating richly nutty ideas like Howard for G-G that would bring out moderates and republicans in droves.

Was it a triple double agent ploy and play, a kind of Bourne legacy gone wild? Would his column provide comfort to big Mal, attract even more supporters to the man who would be king, lurking patiently in the background waiting his chance for a stumble. Like Abbott appointing John Howard as G-G, following Grech's advice ...

No, no, there was one last legpull which hinted at gravitas:

Godwin Grech spent 20 years serving successive Labor and Coalition governments in both Treasury and the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet. This is an edited version of an article in The Spectator Australia.

Not a mention of Utegate! Talk about an edited version!

Hosannah, Grech has risen and been washed clean, and is now a respected political commentator after a long stint unselfishly serving Labor and Coalition governments in a tirelessly apolitical professional way.

And the Americans thought only they could manage this sort of trick, as they did with the likes of Oliver North in the Iran-Contra affair.

Fair dibs guys, whatever you can do, we can do down under ...

(Below: ah the good old days, and more Nicholson here).