Christopher Pearson, Simon Crean, and mad cow disease hits the arts and the Senate ...

(Above: Nicholson takes a view. More Nicholson here at his home).

Saturday is usually reserved for Christopher "Make Simon Crean PM" Pearson, so it would be remiss in these circumstances not to note Simon Crean's own very big splash in the arts.

According to A political arts discussion with broad strokes, which provides a link to the National Cultural Policy Discussion Paper, unlike Peter Garrett, Crean has devised an exciting new policy for y'artz.

First there's a diversity goal, so that government support reflects the diversity of 21st century Australia, and protects and supports indigenous culture. Sorry Noel Pearson, while you might score with the diversity card, the way you sometimes rebuke and plan alternatives for indigenous culture is beyond the pale. Application rejected.

Next there's an innovation and participation goal, to encourage the use of emerging technologies and new ideas that support the development of new artworks. Oh please, artist chappie, don't come here with that old technology, a paintbrush, a canvas and oils, because all you'll create is any old artwork, and what we want has to be brand-spanking new. New! As in as fresh as emerging new!

Remember you're not an actual artist, perhaps using words, you're an artisan toiling away in the creative industries, and just like those craftsmen working at traditional trades at Sovereign Hill, we want to see the sweat on your artisan brow. And so does the public, who need the chance to access and participate in the arts and culture. Yes, you with the watercolours, make an application now ...

What's that you say? It's nice to have a hobby, but let's face it, a lot of amateur art isn't of the first water (are you sure, have you seen my collection of pots in the back yard?)

Okay, okay, we'll have an excellence goal with a focus on international audience development. That's right, we'll dig the artists and their art up, out of the ground, and ship them abroad. That's what the y'artz are for, which is to say to fix up the looming imbalance in the balance of trade.

But wait, what does excellence mean? Well we've seen some truly excellent furniture art - you know, the stuff that coordinates with your paint scheme and your furniture and beams off the wall at you in a sunny abstract way - and surely this excellent stuff is right for shipping to Asia. You see, it's important that the arts tell Australian stories here and overseas.

What's that you say? Abstract music and painting and other art forms don't necessarily want to tell stories? Uh huh, but how are they going to fix the balance of trade?

Remember, finally, there's a socio-economic goal, to increase and strengthen the capacity of the arts to contribute to our society and economy. Yes, all you petulant, brooding, long-haried, alienated existentialists, there's no room for personal self-indulgence, and creative doodles. Roll up your sleeves and contribute to society and the economy ... or go die in a garret, which is rather like a Garrett, without benefit of government support.

In the middle of this flurry of floozies - thank the lord I'm no longer involved with the creative industries - Crean proved adept at consultancy gobbledegook:

“It is about the way we express ourselves, it is about a pride in our culture and the way in which the arts can contribute; it’s also the way in which we see the importance of the creative industries to innovation and economic sustainability.”

Yes, yes, James Joyce and Jackson Pollock, to name just a couple, were at the forefront of making the creative industries the redemption of the economy by providing economic sustainability.

Well if nothing else, it reaffirms an old truth. If you're an artist wanting to get ahead, and you rely on government funding as an economic model, you're doomed. Unless you want to make art that is conducive to blather, pleases bureaucrats, forms part of a creative industry, and somehow contributes to economic sustainability, perhaps with a focus on international audience development, while at the same time offering diversity, and excellence, except where amateurs are encouraged to indulge in finger painting ...

Yes, thanks to Christopher Pearson, the y'artz, and shortly the whole of Australia will be safe in Simon Crean's caring, diverse and excellent hands ...

Meanwhile, back in Christopher Pearson land, in Crusaders or live cattle dumb chums?, the intrepid crusader recycles claims by WA Senator Chris Back that the cruelty to animals in Indonesia abattoir footage was obtained by paying a worker to abuse the animals.

According to Pearson, the fact that Back is a vet with years of professional experience is enough to nail it, and he makes a comment about journalists in this country that surely everyone can endorse:

However, many of the crusading journalists I know are capable of just about anything if it means getting the story.

A hallmark of the fourth estate in Australia is the conviction that if the cause is noble enough, sexing up the evidence or even fabricating some of it is neither here nor there.

Yes, we've long suspected that the minions of Murdoch will stop at nothing for a story, and since News Corp controls seventy per cent or so of print media in country, what better proof than this of their despicable duplicity.

We've long suspected it of the crusading journos at The Australian, and we know for a fact that fabricating headlines is neither here nor there for the Herald Sun and the Daily Telegraph. All we need now is for Pearson to unveil the NOTW style scandal lurking within the antipodean empire ...

As for Back's actual evidence, it seemed a little absent in Pearson's story. Perhaps the cameraman involved, Ian Shersby, might reveal more?

I know nothing of Shersby. He may be entirely blameless, of course, and when he completes his undercover European assignment he'll have the chance to tell his side of the story.

Indeed. We too know nothing of Shersby, and therefore feel entitled to produce a column full of speculation about his corrupt involvement in a deeply ruinous conspiracy. As for Senator Back?

For example, Back's assertions that one of the meatworkers who'd been bribed had been bashed on a daily basis and that his wife and daughter had been raped sounds a bit far-fetched, although perhaps not in light of the disruption caused to so many Indonesians' livelihoods.

These are claims that need to be tested, along with the counter-claims of Animals Australia and Ferguson.

Indeed. And perhaps a good starting point would be for Senator Back to provide evidence of his claims, perhaps by producing the said meatworker, his wife and daughter. Truth to tell, if such evidence were to be produced, it would set back the cause of animal activists in Australia for years, and as a meat eater, this wouldn't cause the pond much heart burn.

So okay Senator Back, lay it on us:

Senator Back told ABC Radio he had examined the footage and it "immediately became apparent to me that those cattle were not Australian cattle".

Yesterday Senator Back provided in-camera evidence to a Senate committee on his claims but requests for public access to the evidence were denied.

Later, his staff said he was unavailable to defend or shed more light on his claims. (No proof to senator's cattle claims).

Say what? Them cattle ain't Aussie cattle, the evidence was delivered in-camera, and then the Senator does a disappearing trick worthy of an artist trying to make a living?

Well one thing's for sure. The RSPCA is also involved in the conspiracy:

RSPCA Australia chief executive Heather Neil said the committee hearing where the claims were made was "bitterly disappointing".

She said the RSPCA conducted a thorough scientific analysis of hours of raw footage from Indonesia.

"There is absolutely no doubt that cruelty is routine and widespread," she said.

And that seems to be where it sits at the moment. As the teacher used to say in 'show and tell', put up and don't shut up, but at the moment all Senator Back has produced is an anonymous "very reliable source" who has been channelled by the senator. Perhaps this reliable source is an Australian man, "a consultant to the (meat) export industry", who "has spoken to that particular worker." (here).

As for helping prosecute potentially criminal matters which have generated an extreme cost to the Australian economy?

Senator Back denied he had an obligation to present allegations of criminal behaviour to police, saying it is a matter for Indonesia and a matter for the Senate.

"This is the proper place for me to actually raise that point," he said.

And indeed the Australian houses of parliament are the ideal places to peddle smears, raise innuendoes, and refuse to offer any proof for same.

Naturally the ABC reporter involved was in a frenzy:

"Throughout the hours of footage filmed at this abattoir, other animals are beaten, kicked, thrashed with ropes and their throats hacked at. Has the Senator taken the trouble to watch the footage in question?"

Senator Back claims to be in possession of an affidavit in relation to the matter, which means he has sufficient evidence to hand to produce a charge of perjury, if nothing else.

It's true that it's unfortunate that Tony Abbott refused to back Back's claims (Tony Abbott fails to back Liberal's claims of a set-up over Indonesia cattle footage), and naturally Bob Brown has called on him to produce his evidence or recant and apologise (Animals spook got cow video in Indonesian abattoir) and naturally Animals Australia is up in arms (Animal rights group rejects slaughtermen claims).

Yes, but there's an even bigger matter which makes it urgent that Chris Back put up or shut up. And that's the sight of Christopher Pearson, quoting Evelyn Waugh, that notorious convert to Catholicism, and his novel Black Mischief, and setting off down the path of yet another conspiracy theory (as if Hindmarsh island wasn't enough) without a jot, whit or scintilla of actual evidence, as opposed to the scattered, chaotic and confused word of the senator and his anonymous source(s).

It's simply too much.

And it results in extreme cruelty to dumb animals, aka dumb chums, namely readers of The Australian, who occasionally read Pearson's column for further signs that Simon Crean is about to be anointed PM of Australia ... and instead cop much portentous blather and a conspiracy theory.

For the love of the absent lord, let the claims be tested, and tested now, or truth to tell, Back will be revealed to be more cruel and more inclined to torture than the average Indonesian abattoir worker ...

(Below: and now, since shots of animal cruelty, whether to cattle or readers of The Australian are sure to offend, startling evidence that Superman is a socialist, now doing the intertubes rounds. Click to enlarge).