Of footballers and penises and Peter Costello and pythons, and the way that Xmas is the perfect time for pious hypocrisy ...

(Above: St Kilda footballers in a state of undress).

As a result of an item appearing on the pond some time ago - pointing out the double standards of the mainstream media, especially the Seven Network, when dealing with the outing of politician David Campbell, and the pious contrasting reticence of all of them in relation to the swinging dicks of St Kilda footballers - names, what names, here no names - and now, following the shock horror sensational revelation of a couple of nude photos of AFL footballers, the pond has been swamped by voyeurs in search of said revelatory photos.

Whew, barely made it to the end of that sentence.

Now, a moment, please allow the pond a moment to mess with their minds, should they happen to drop in again.

What scientific conclusions can we draw from the ruckus?

(a) AFL footballers have penises;

(b) At least a few AFL footballers like to hold or display their penises, in a private setting:

(c) At least one AFL footballer likes to hold a condom pack near a penis, but there is no evidence that all AFL footballers know how to use, or want to use a condom in all situations which might involve sex;

(d) AFL voyeurs don't know how to google;

(e) If they did know how to Google, safe filter off, they'd find millions of dicks, limps, erect and gargantuan flooding the full to overflowing intertubes, some belonging to footballers. Then they could provide us all with a paper providing comparative evidence on why an AFL footballer's penis is a shock horror sensation demanding immediate viewing, and all the other penises are just a part of the flood of porn;

(f) Once again the mainstream media shows an infinite taste for wankery, way more than any footballer holding his penis and being shot in a private setting for the amusement of those around him, as they lather and foam about the shock horror, and the instigator talks about getting an agent.

(g) If you ask for a photo to be deleted, have the digital sophistication to watch as it's deleted, instead of wondering why it's later transferred to a computer;

(g) Oh and by the way, AFL, you can't have it both ways, promoting AFL footballers as sexy stars in sexy calendars, and so forth and etc, and then wondering why some people want to take a look at their penises.

Meanwhile, to the hapless voyeurs who come here expecting to see shots of an AFL footballer's penis, did you think we'd be putting them up on parade, after we complained about the outing of David Campbell and the privacy issues involved?

Bugger off, we don't need simple minded football voyeurs hitting on the pond and reminding us our disdain for jocks and their sheeple followers ...

How about instead reading up on Peter Meakin's various drink driving offences, which he continually appeals, while sending his slobbering slavering news hounds - we use the term because hounds of hell might sound prejudicial - to out others, including Campbell ...

Meanwhile, Xmas is the season that keeps on giving. Here's some mood setting shots:

Yep, you guessed it, that's Peter Costello playing with a python on national television - no, we have it on the best authority it's not a penis substitute, it's a little too big for that - and doing the macarena on television with KA, and appearing on radio with Jackie O, in what's one of the more moronic forms of radio chat known to humanity ...

But where's this heading, you want to know, and of course it's heading to The Smirk's latest offering, PM's unwise rush to worship at the altar of Oprah, wherein the arch hypocrite pens these immortal words:

The recent visit of Oprah was a piece of sensational public relations. Time will tell whether it boosts visitor numbers. But for a week it put Australia right in the forefront of exposure to the world's largest economy. The coverage was as sympathetic as you could imagine. It had a lot of stereotypes - crocodiles, snakes and the like - but that's what tourists look for.

Yes, Python Pete, lots of stereotypes. Like snakes. But where were the dancing pollies, send in the dancing pollies, there ought to be dancing pollies, oh don't bother they're here.

But do keep going:

It helps to have our own famous people - Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe - promoting Australia in these programs and good on them for doing it. But one of our famous people who climbed on the bandwagon should not have been anywhere near the scene of the Opradulation.

As opposed to being somewhere near the scene of KA and Jackie O? Do tell, and why might that be:

Julia Gillard is the Prime Minister of Australia. She is the person ultimately responsible for sending troops into battle. She is the one who must stand up and insist our country is treated with respect in international forums. She is not a support act for a visiting US celebrity. She didn't do well. In fact, it was cringe-making.

Uh huh Python Pete, but what about your many cringe-making activities, you know like making out with babies, not just once but like a serial criminal, and urging the nation's women to have another one for Python Pete?

What about the respect due the Treasurer, given the tough sombre duty of making everyone live in misery and pay their taxes?

When previous Australian prime ministers such as Harold Holt and John Gorton got star struck by the Americans, at least it was for presidents - they didn't gush in the presence of TV personalities.

But did they do the macarena? Like you, Python Pistol Pete?

The Roman poet Juvenal lamented that the politicians of ancient Rome had cheapened the empire with a policy of "bread and circuses".

The Prime Minister needs to look, well, prime ministerial. The present government is faltering. Sound government rather than media spin would give it some respect. Big sporting events are nice - the kind of thing you might do when the basics are covered. But events management is best run by those that have unlimited resources to stage them.

Uh huh. Like the Roman Olympics we just had to have in Sydney ... as aided and abetted by the Howard government. You do remember doing that, don't you Pete, shovelling an estimated $71.8 million down the throat of the IOC, while the helpful NSW government shovelled an even grander $328.3 million for the 'athletes on drugs' festivities?

Where was the pious cant about leaving events management to being run by those with unlimited resources in those days? Ever tried catching a bus in Sydney pious Python Pete?

Citizen democracies must be careful to use taxpayers' money sparingly and wisely. And the Prime Minister should never, never think she can become a celebrity. If she were any good at that she would not be in politics.

Righteous meaningless cant from the master of hypocritical gobbledegook.

These days politics is just a form of show business ... that's why you're doing your soft shoe shuffle and tap dance in the Herald, like any ageing showoff with a showbiz mum ...

Say what you will about former chairman Rudd - and we could say a lot - but at least he sent the smirk and his pythonish ways packing, only to see him turn up like a perennial bad penny in the pages of the Sydney Morning Herald.

Oh I know, he generates hits for the rag, but suddenly the quest to look at a footballer's penis seems like a quite rational way to waste your day.

Consider: you could be wasting your time reading the Smirk.

(Below: yep, and there's Python Pete up on the stage and soaking up the clap happy applause at Hillsong, a money making scam - Hillsong - why people sign up for a lifetime deal - and rife with superstition and exorcisms - Hillsong Church, Gloria Jeans linked to abuse claims. How good it is to see the Smirk banished to the outer parts of the commentariat oval).