Bronwyn Bishop, and a wicked way to approach mere theorists ... and theories pretending to be science ...

(Above: a cartoon having fun with heliocentrism, an idea which - despite what you might read below - was first proposed in the third century BC by Aristarchus of Samos, awaiting its mathematical justification in the sixteenth century. Reading actual general science prepared by scientists with an understanding of how to communicate with readers can be fun, and no greater fun than the history of astronomy).

There's a never-ending supply of joy in the world, and what greater delight could there be than the news that Bronwyn Bishop has gone scientific.

First let's get some hard scientific facts out of the way:

Copernicus established that the sun is the centre and not the Earth.

Oh I know a few of you post modernists out there might cavil - the centre of what you ask - and since Monty Python is all the go you might seven start humming ...

We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
We go round every two hundred million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and
expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Cause there's bugger-all down here on Earth

Oh okay, there certainly is bugger all sign of intelligent life in Australian politicians, and maybe the centre isn't quite the right phrasing, and maybe we should hold out hope of an invasion from outer space by intelligent aliens, but what the heck, how can you knock this amazing opening insight for Whatever happened to theories and theorems?

Pythagoras and his theorem, which has withstood the test of time and is readily remembered as “The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides” (a² + b²= c²).

Wow. Armed with that sort of scientific, mathematical complexity, surely Bronnie is the woman to guide us through the labyrinth, the complexity of climate science.

Scientific method has historically required a theory to be put forward and tested essentially by trying to knock it down.

Even evolutionary theory is still called just that – The Theory of Evolution. How then did we arrive at what is now popularly referred to as “The Science” and as a corollary “The Science of Global Warming”.

Triple wow with pike. Bronnie has forcefully reminded me that my theory of the evolution of brain dead politicians is just a theory, and I should never ever refer to it as the science of brain dead politicians, just as I must never ever talk about the science of evolution. It's not a scientific theory with a remarkable amount of actual science behind it, it's just a theory ... in much the same way as a knitting pattern is simply not a cardigan ...

Armed with that kind of impeccable logic and advanced scientism, we're now handily placed to tackle the vexed issue of global warming and climate theory (well you might claim it a science, but really since when did you call the weatherman a scientist?)

With man-made global warming no-one much doubts that the climate changes from ice age to warm periods. Many advance sun-spot activity, natural phenomena such as volcanic eruptions and other reasons for it.

Yes, many advance many theories, and sadly Bronnie doesn't mention my own favourite - Xenu, who caused climate havoc when he landed here some 75 million years ago, with billions of his people, in a DC-8 like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. Dearie me, did that play havoc with the earth's climate or what ... and the buggers are still hanging around in the ether making it hard for the rest of us ... So while volcanoes spew arguments will surely persist.

But let’s be fair dinkum, man-made global warming is based on “arbitrary elements” or “assumptions” resulting in theories which will always be unproven and contestable and therefore not certain.

To rely on it as fact is folly and to penalise the people is wicked.

Yes, indeed it's wicked, and no we're not talking about Bronnie's impeccably wicked leaps in logic from 'theories' to 'unproven and 'contestable' and 'therefore not certain' and 'fact is folly', we're thinking the only way to deal with these wicked scientists who parade their follies before us is to organise a witch burning, Salem style, or perhaps tar and feather them and run them out of town - perhaps down to Antarctica since they keep on saying 'won't someone think of the penguins'.

Yep, we just love a scientific discourse where words like 'wicked' are flung about. Please, someone send off Bronnie's piece for peer review - what's the bet that the wicked peer reviewers would give it a wicked review. Those damn sinners and their mere theory follies ...

But hang on, we're not mere scientists clutching at straws, using unscientific language to berate mere theories. Thanks to Bronnie's elevated tones, we're above all that, and willing to contemplate the unflinching truths of the ages:

One theory that lasted for centuries was that the earth was the centre of our planetary system and that the sun and planets made an orbit around us.

Yes, indeed, and it was a view generally held by dumb ass rulers, the political and religious class, and what passes these days for a bunch of dumb whack conservatives. But never mind, do go on:

Copernicus however upset this particular theory with his own which reversed the previous wisdom.

The original theory based on the assumption that the earth as at the centre of our universe still enabled a model to be built and mathematical calculations to be made that could predict the position of other planets. But the fundamental premise was wrong.

You see, conventional scientists got it wrong. But hang on Copernicus was a scientist who got it right. Could there be the odd scientist who gets it right these days, up against Bronnie, clutching at a fundamentalist premise that she, heroically opposing the wicked theorists, has got it right? And that as a result, doing nothing, and sticking the head in the sand like an ostrich is the best way to approach the future?

You betcha. Bronnie has made a mathematical scientific study of all the climate theorists (let's not give them any preening feathers by calling them scientists) and in her rigorous Copernican, Pythagorean way has determined that they're all fucked.

It's a big call, but thank the absent lord we have a dedicated scientifically aware Bronnie to make the call.

We are constantly told “the science”, leaning heavily on the definite article “the” tells us that man has changed the climate by his use of carbon and subsequent output of CO² which causes the globe to warm.

As a result we are told we must be punished and go without all the things that abundant affordable energy has given us.

Oh that's so wicked, so shameful. I know, I know, some people are suggesting that we might box clever and develop different abundant affordable forms of energy that might not have the impact of coal, but clearly you haven't got a slightly used coal mine, still with plentiful deposits, ready to sell off to China at the drop of a hat.

But now it's time for the weather man:

And yet in the middle of all this warming suddenly the United Kingdom is covered in snow with people freezing to death – literally, and here in Australia people are being evacuated from areas because of flooding from torrential rain where “The Science” told us it would never rain again, millions of litres of rain water is being dumped in defiance of “The Science”.

Uh huh. It's astonishing to learn that "teh" science has abandoned the notion of the El Niño/La Niña and the southern Oscillation or ENSO, but clearly that was a mere theory, developed by wretched scientists, oops, sorry theorists, and it's a relief to turn to Bronnie to learn that scientists, oops, theorists, simply don't have a clue about rain, or snow or freezing to death, or anything really ...

The problem with the proponents of “the science” and the certainty with which they predict is that the theory of man-made global warming is just that, a theory. It begins with a premise, or some premises, which Stephen Hawking describes a “arbitrary elements” or assumptions á la Isaac Asimov.

Which reminds me of Asimov's three key laws:

1. A politician may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A politician must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A politician must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Now where on earth does Bronnie's scribble fit in Asimov's three laws of robotic politicians?

Trouble is none of these premises, arbitrary elements or assumptions are proven, nor provable.

Eek, she's breachd all three of them, with gibberish, nonsense and outraged hysteria evocative of Robbie the robot. Warning Will Robinson, the theorists are going to ruin your life with unprovable assumptions about which I know the truth and for which I have the proof ... because you see the sum of the squares is equal to the opposite side of the hypotenuse, or as Copernicus said, the sun's the centre of everything, so bow down and worship the sun ...

Sorry, got a bit carried away there, let's not worry about that butterfly in the Amazon, let's get back to the real hardcore Bronnie science:

They are however the basis from which the global warming exponents predict their dire conclusions and tell the rest of us that we need a tax (price on carbon) so we will use less carbon and therefore produce less carbon dioxide to stop the warming and require the people to do without all the creature comforts we rightly expect as citizens of a prosperous nation.

Yes, indeed, it's shocking and outrageous, and we still have all that coal to sell to China, and we expect our north shore comforts, and tea served ever so nicely in a nice china cup on top of a nice doily, and how dare these wretched theorists with their wretched theories get in the road of our constant pleasure and creature comforts ... and don't go telling us there's anything wrong with a lizard sitting on top of a nice warm rock basking in the sun ...

So where are we at with the latest science, courtesy of Bronnie?

So while volcanoes spew and the sun radiates argument will persist.

Damn you Xenu, damn you for your affect on the weather ... I knew this would happen, and what you're doing - and we use the word with impeccable scientism - is wicked ...

Coming up next week in the punch-drunk Punch, content that Bronnie has already generated a firestorm of comments, many as asinine and absurd as the column that provoked tjhem?

Bronwyn Bishop examines the pure undiluted science of Christianity and provides a rousing scientific explanation of the burning bush, the loaves and the fishes getting heaps abundant, wine turning into blood, bread into flesh, the rising from the dead, and life ever after with plenty of pie and vestal virgins in an eden, exact place in the universe still TBA.

No doubt each week while on the School Council of the Loquat Valley Anglican Preparatory School she explains such scientific matters to yearning students anxious to become scientists ...

Meanwhile, for those wondering about whatever happened to cretinism and stupidity in politics, let alone politicians discussing science, we have our answer and our winner.

And Bronnie is ready for the loon pond hall of fame for the year for delivering unmitigated gibberish while scribbling from the mouth half remembered science from her high school days ...

Meanwhile, sssh, don't let anyone tell Tony Abbott that Bronnie is now working hard to become the mad aunt of the Liberal party, seeing as how the mad uncle, Wilson "Ironbar" Tuckey has gone off to run a fiery, but somewhat intermittent blog (go on, click here if you're game and up for it).

(Below: Bronnie joins the best of the best with her 'evolution is just a theory' routine).