Henry Ergas, Peter Faris, and a cornucopia of Ergastian bacon and Shariah law ...

(Above: is that a canary, or Peter Faris?)

Great joy and dancing in the streets this morning, as the venerable Henry Ergas takes to a bout of satire, under the header Wacky wiki world can't mine its boom.

It's so ponderous - like a hippo doing a dance for Walt Disney - and predictable and full of bon mots such as the Ergastian Loiterers' Party (ELP) - as Henry contemplates the fate of the nation of Ergastia - that we can only stand on the sidelines and whisper our gratitude, awe and admiration.

Such riches, such cleverness, such wittery, for at least half the column (yes, that means it could be called half wittery). On the other hand, you might read Dean Swift ... and so might Henry.

Can a man whose columns usually drip of sawdust write a column worthy of the Dean? We only report so that you can decide ...

Moving along, we could have been saved an enormous amount of pain if only jolly Joe Hockey and his Liberal colleagues bothered to read The Australian's editorial No wisdom in fifth-pillar plan.

The big four banks compete fiercely against each other now

Yep, everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds, and Wayne Swan should stop it before he goes blind. Wayne Swan? Yes, it's all his fault and There is no credit in bank bashing.

Come on down jolly Joe, credit where credit is due ... and you're always good for a loan at The Australian.

Moving along, The Australian today also brings us a splendid paranoid scribble from Peter Faris suggesting Charter opens door to Sharia law recognition.

Faris will be remembered by many with fondness for his impeccable performance on Phillip Adams' radio show Late Night Live, Whitefella justice, Blackfella justice - still available for podcast or streaming - back in October, wherein his confrontation with Adams and fellow guest Ian Gray resulted in Adams terminating the discussion.

In that strange discussion, Faris raised the spectre of Sharia law, and so he does again in his piece for the Oz.

Quickly lock your doors, the Charter of Human Rights in Victoria means Sharia law is just around the corner.

Faris produces some splendid insights in his piece:

Obviously, Islam is a religion.

Astonishing. Do go on:

Less obvious, but more important is that, unlike Christianity, Islam is a complete religion governing every aspect of the believer's life, including law.

Astonishing. Clearly Faris knows nothing about Christianity or the implications of its creed, or even the proud Judeo-Christian heritage that underpins the cornerstones of western civilisation, as the chattering commentariat constantly tells us, and never mind what those polytheistic Romans and Greeks might have contributed to the cause. I guess the next time I spot Faris eating shellfish I'll be watching yet another unbeliever slurping his way to hell ...

Of course if you want to read something sensible about the Oklahoma State Question 755, which Faris cites, you could do no better than refer to Alex Eichler in The Atlantic, Why Is Oklahoma Trying to Ban Sharia Law in Courts? quoting Burt Likko:

"Measure 755 makes courts rely on federal and state law when deciding cases," he writes. "Do you mean to suggest they aren't already doing that now? Of course they are." The point about Sharia law would, in effect, "prevent courts from enforcing private contracts in which the parties mutually agreed upon the use of Sharia laws--restricting the right of free people to contract as they choose." Finally, the point about international law "means that an Oklahoma state court would have to disregard international agreements and treaties if those were invoked in a particular dispute... The authors of Measure 755 should read Article VI of the United States Constitution. Doing so would remind them that they are obligated as state legislators to uphold the United States Constitution and treaties made thereunder--something which they are in fact attempting to subvert with this law."

For Faris, that's the problem. You see, the black helicopters are hovering in the air, and the Victorians are in the grip, the very maw, of international decisions and law:

Shariah law is actually an integral part of the Islamic religious belief and, under the charter, must be protected and applied. Section 32(2) of the charter throws more light on the issue.

That subsection states: "International law and the judgments of domestic, foreign and international courts and tribunals relevant to a human right may be considered in interpreting a statutory provision."

Uh huh. As for the United States, that bit in the Constitution that threw a spanner in the works of paranoid Oklahoma voters who wanted to forbid state courts from considering or using international laws, as well as Sharia, or Islamic law?

This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.

Oh no, it's not just the Victorians in trouble, it's those naughty internationalist founding fathers, selling out to the black helicopters before they'd even invented helicopters ...

As for why the Oklahoma voters attempted to vote in the measure? Back to Eichler:

Sharia's Not Really a Big Problem in Oklahoma "Supporters of the initiative acknowledge that they do not know of a single case of Sharia being used in Oklahoma, which has only 15,000 Muslims," Nicholas Riccardi reports at the Los Angeles Times. The measure's advocates cite three court cases in other states where Sharia played some role in the decision. "Oklahoma does not have that problem yet," said State Representative Rex Duncan, the author of State Question 755. "But why wait until it's in the courts?"

Why wait indeed, and why worry about constitutional issues?

The New Wedge Issue The Atlantic's Marc Ambinder guesses that "anti-Sharia law initiatives" may become "a cultural wedge issue the GOP uses to ensure that hard-core conservatives enthusiastically flock to the polls. If so, then Oklahoma is the proverbial canary in the coal mine for this type of initiative." Ambinder predicts that if State Question 755 "over-performs in November," we can expect "a potential wave of 'preemptive strikes' against Sharia law in the years ahead."

Yes, and Faris is standing by, ready to be an antipodean canary in the coal mine, though I'd settle for someone calling him a canary.

Just Meant to Flush Out the Hard-Liners For Teddy Partridge at Firedoglake, the intention here is clear. "American voters, especially inward-looking, family-oriented fundies, must be constantly re-entertained to be electorally motivated," he writes. "'Gay marriage' got the fundie preachers' flocks up and out of the pews to vote in 2004 ... Of course, that Sharia law poses absolutely no threat to American jurisprudence makes no difference whatsoever. Marriage equality hasn't ended 'traditional marriage' anywhere, has it?"

Uh huh. Well here comes that canary crying out to the hardliners:

Quite obviously, those Islamic decisions powerfully state that Shariah law must be applied. The Victorian courts must consider these decisions under the charter, thus it makes it very likely that, at some stage in the future, Shariah law will be applied.

Oh yes, very likely, very likely indeed, or to put it another way, extremely likely in some kind of future way that will shatter the foundations of Australian law, but on the other hand, if there's a settlement between two parties that involves aspects of any kind of law - international, Christian, Islamic, or perhaps the rules of marbles - where's the worry?

Well when you're a worrier, you're determined to worry:

Further, there is precedent in Victoria through courts that are for the exclusive use of a minority group, in this instance Aborigines (known in Victoria as Kooris).

As a matter of principle, there is no difference between special courts that are racially defined (Koori courts) to those which are religiously defined (Shariah courts).

In fact, the Muslims have a much stronger case because their devoutly held beliefs actually include a legal system (Shariah).

Oh golly, it's all the fault of those pesky blacks, and because we've given them a cultural edge, the next thing you know, the Islamics will be deciding everything by Shariah law, and the entire Christian foundations of western civilisation will be lost for eternity, and lordy lordy, I'll have to give up the crispy bacon I so love ... which admittedly isn't of the quality or kind that we used to have before the war ...

Damn you pesky blacks, why didn't you just settle for the routine business of being locked up, with a healthy 14% behind bars while only managing 2.3% of the total population. (here). Yes, the current legal system is working tremendously well for blacks, and no doubt soon enough we'll get a politician saying 'sorry' when really locking up the troublemakers does wonders for the comfort and peace of mind of whites ...

It is this sort of process that the Oklahoma citizens voted against. In Victoria it is too late.

So there you go. It's too late, we're doomed. No more bacon, no more adultery, no more grog - oh poor Henry Ergas and his love of alcopop jokes - and Australia a haven for mad terrorist bombers ...

In the usual course of things, I'd applaud anyone who tweaked the beard of the boring Adams, but what if it's someone doing a Chicken Little routine? Or is that a canary in a coalmine routine? There, I'm afraid we have to draw a line ...

The sky might be falling in, but they'll have to wrench the warm crispy fatty bacon from my cold dead hands ... (with a nice dry riesling to cut through the fat).

Still, the pond has one suggestion. Head off to the extremely competitive banks for a business loan - never mind the usury - and invest heavily in bacon.

After Shariah laws are imposed down under, there's going to be a splendid business supplying pork via the underground, and I'll be first in line to buy ...

What's that you say? I haven't taken Peter Faris's musings seriously? Seriously? Seriously ...

(Below: speaking of Chicken Little, the full to overflowing intertubes produces billions of oddities, including the Chicken Little rap that KFC - suppliers of chicken fried bacon - used to train their new employees in 1987. Head off here to find the link to the mp3, currently working, and don't blame me if you never eat chicken fried bacon again).