The Punch, a desperate conversation about Kyle and many other things and time for the moth to hit the flame

(Above: Aimee Mann with The Moth, which you can find on her 2002 album Lost in Space)

Can The Punch get any more desperate?

The latest bit of Kyle Sandilands punching - more like whack a mole really - comes from David Jones, under the header Kyle should use his free time to visit Auschwitz. Which follows on from David Penberthy's rant Kyle: The End, in which he predicts that Sandilands' stupidity will see him blackbanned from radio.

Which makes you wonder what The Punch will do for fodder after he's gone?

My suspicion? They can't get enough of Kyle, because his last scandal still tops their "most commented" chart at 718, while everything else is way down the scale. Even Penberthy's latest effort on the radio ratbag had only clocked up 89 at time of writing, while Jones had only managed 10. Desperate pathetic stuff, and I'm not just talking about dimwit Sandilands.

I think I'd rather whack The Punch whacking Sandilands than go whacking the hapless radio clown direct.

So what else have we got? Well there's Tory Maguire punching the clock of the 16 year old aspirational solo around the world girl whose boat got hit by a very large ship. The header says it all: Epic voyage, epic fail? Well you could always add 'epic bitch' if you wanted the full tonality of the read.

And then there's Steve Fielding's attempt at a personal explanation Lost for words: my secret battle with language. Well you won't find me having a go at Fielding because he can't spell in a fiscally assured way, if only because the golden rule says that the moment you do so, somebody will be able to find a spelling error or a grammatical muck up in the very same piece.

No, I prefer a simpler path. Fielding's a dipstick because he's a dipstick, and anyway what's he doing bobbing up in The Punch on a regular basis, looking like a cork on the ocean wanting to get hit by very large waves or a very big boat? He's got two degrees and Penberthy said that Chairman Rupert's best conversation didn't extend to academic twitts. Unless Penbo makes exceptions for certain kinds of twitts (oh yes, ya got me, I'm dying here ma).

Next we step along to Paul Colgan, and lordy he must have been reading or channeling Janet Albrechtsen's desire to keep the history and culture wars going by inventing the stimulus war. His header? Homebirth wars: this 'right' should come with a warning. How about this for a header? Commentariat wars: any 'column' including 'wars' in its header should come with a warning. Something like 'beware warrior class' fighting brave verbal war'?

Oh dear, next please. Why there's sweet young Leo Shanahan with a revelation encapsulated in his header: The one-pupil school isn't getting any money after all. This is a follow up or a beat up on the story that Evesham State school, with one student, was set to collar 250k for a library and now isn't. When one punter wrote "The school didn't apply for money and isn't getting any. And this is a scandal? What am I missing here?", Leo had to hastily remind us that it still remained a grave scandal, a bit like throwing money around by using a white board for the pork barreling, only discovered and made right by the brave minions of Chairman Rupert:

... @Ian, you’re missing the fact that they were allocated the money in the first place. So whilst the school says they didn’t ask for it and now don’t think they’ll get it, they were allocated it under the policy. It’s unlikely the money would have been pulled if there wasn’t any attention brought to this fact in the first place ...

I feel so much safer at night in bed knowing that the single student has been bravely denied a library, while zillions are poured into Australian films nobody wants to watch.

And then there's Gillian Nalletamby using Lily Allen's latest song 22 - including a link to YouTube to hear the tune - and borrowing her lyrics to get agitated about the fate of women bereft of boyfriend or career.

This is commonly called trading off, a bit like what The Punch is doing with Kyle Sandiland, which is to take a lyric, blame the author for endorsing the sentiments, and then set about flailing around at anyone else within flailing range. Remind me to berate Shakespeare for creating that mop head Hamlet, and all his useless metaphysical musings. The ugly truth about pretty pop culture? Not really, not unless you've got a persecution complex, but perhaps Gillian realizes in a quite feminist way that Allen writes a better pop song than she writes a column.

Oh wait, and there's a new effort at the top of the page, now pushing Kyle Sandilands down the page - so long Kyle - and it's Duncan Fine in fine ranting form with Junk food doesn't make kids fat - junk parents do.

Keep those ads for Macca's on air and save FTA television and shows like Hi-5, I say! While we're at it, bring back smoking ads, and make marijuana legal. And make children watch endless hours of television, when not net surfing, because it's good for them.

Phew, what a great closer, as Duncan gets to seethe in a white hot fury at the seething white-hot fury coming from nice middle class homes all over Sydney.

So why do I think I've just eaten a really greasy, cheesy egg and bacon brain burger?

Well in the great tradition of trading off, I'll close by mentioning I went along to Aimee Mann last week at the Enmore (yes I know, showing my age), and while it was great to see her on these shores, I blame her entirely for my depressive condition. Or at least my thoughtless willingness to scan The Punch one more time.

It's a sort of moth and flame thing:

The moth don't care when he sees the flame
he might get burned but he's in the game
and once he's in he can't go back, and
beat his wings 'til he burns them black
no the moth don't care when he sees the flame
no the moth don't care when he sees the flame

the moth don't care if the flame is real
cuz flame and moth got a sweetheart deal
and nothing fuels a good flirtation
like need and anger and desperation
no the moth don't care if the flame is real
no the moth don't care if the flame is real

So come on let's go ready or not
cuz there's a flame I know hotter than hot
and with a fuse that's so thoroughly shot
away

the moth don't care if the flame burns low
cuz moth believes in an afterglow
and flames are never douzed completely
all you really need is a love of heat
no, the moth don't care if the flame burns low
no, the moth don't care if the flame burns low

So come on let's go ready or not
cuz there's a flame I know hotter than hot
and with a fuse that's so thoroughly shot
away