Gerard Henderson, Henry Ergas, Glenn Milne, Chairman Rudd, John Howard and taking a stick to the carrots

You have to wonder at the way the world works. First reports suggest there's six airport catering guys allegedly done down for a $2 million cocaine bust, and the best that could amount to on a level split was a third of a mill each - if you can even imagine that was the net figure, without any overheads, operational and third party costs in the mix.

And then it turns out, in the usual distorted hysterical media way, that the street value is more likely a humble 350k. With the slice of that pie amongst the six sounding like a load of gristle and hard times.

And there's Geoff Dixon over at Qantas pocketing eleven mill for five months work (here).

Airport turkeys take note. Become a capitalist if you want to pursue a successful life of crime. If you can manage a big payment while the share price falls, then you'd surely got even bigger cojones.

Dixon of course spent his time at Qantas bashing unionists for being greedy. Cojones.

But I digress. Astute dedicated punters want to know the results of the Gerard Henderson tipping competition this week, and they're spectacular.

First mention of John Howard in the column: 2nd paragraph

Number of mentions of John Howard in the column: Five

Yep, the punters are in a spin, the bookies are happy, and the stewards have called for a swab. I mean, come on, a mention in the second para. That's just too blatant. Where's the sport?

And sadly after all that excitement, it's downhill all the way in Rudd avoids jobs for mates.

In a typically dreary exercise from our prattling Polonius, he praises Chairman Rudd for appointing Kim Beazley and Brendan Nelson as ambassadors, in a way that transcends the Howard legacy.

John Howard held the view that, when Malcolm Fraser was prime minister, he was too reluctant to appoint Coalition supporters to senior positions. When Howard became prime minister, he reversed Fraser's stand with a vengeance - appointing many former Coalition politicians to senior positions while all but ignoring similar talent on the Labor side.

Consequently, Howard was accused of engaging in jobs-for-political mates. So far Rudd has avoided such a charge.

Say what? Did anyone get the number of that bus? John Howard did jobs for the mates?

No wonder there was uproar in the betting ring. Citing John Howard, only to subtly accuse him of jobs for mates ... why it'd be like inviting a Catholic to meet the Pope, and then the rascal tearing off his cape and shouting he's a damned atheist.

But of course this routine is only a bit of sugar coating so that in a fair and balanced way Henderson can slag off Chairman Rudd:

... the favours Rudd provides to retired Coalition MPs are not extended to those regarded as Labor critics. Here Rudd and his cabinet demonstrate on occasions a vindictiveness and ruthlessness not evident under Howard and Peter Costello.

Because John and Peter were such nice men. No, they really were. They loved their cucumber sandwiches. Just dears, such sweeties. Never a vindictive word, never a ruthless thought. Why the polite way that John treated Peter, and Peter responded, was ever so kind, and truly inspirational.

To prove his point, whatever it might be, Henderson goes into the sad and sorry business of Henry Ergas, well known to the few that care, as a devoted lobbyist for Telstra's interests in The Australian, a media opening in which Ergas regularly took time to denounce Chairman Rudd and his lickspittle economic ways.

Just over a week ago it was announced the consulting firm Concept Economics, headed by Henry Ergas, had gone into voluntary administration. It is a small business, based in Canberra, which employs about 20. Employment has held up relatively well during the global financial crisis. Even so, the unemployment rate has increased from about 4 per cent to about 6 per cent in the past two years and is likely to go higher. So you would expect that Labor ministers would be concerned about the loss of even one job.

Not so for Concept Economics, it seems. Ergas has done some work for the Liberal Party (in particular for Malcolm Turnbull) and he has provided advice to Telstra (in recent years at odds with both the Coalition and Labor). Last week senior ministers gloated at Concept Economics's difficulties and mocked Ergas.

Well you might think that if Ergas and his company had financial difficulties, the first port of call should be his clients - say Telstra and Malcolm Turnbull - rather than his declared enemies in the Labor party. At least if they valued the services provided and wanted them to continue.

But no it's the cruelty of the Labor mob for dancing on Ergas's corporate problems:

In question time, the Finance Minister, Lindsay Tanner, declared "the Opposition's brains trust has gone broke" and suggested the resultant unemployment was "another minor obstacle to the budget returning to surplus". Then the Communications Minister, Stephen Conroy, laughed at Ergas's plight, claiming that "he's just recently been structurally separated from his own company". This was a reference to the pro-Telstra position Ergas has taken in the public debate - always after declaring any perceived conflict of interest.

Oh the cruelty, oh the humanity. And Henry always declared his perceived conflicts of interest! So many declarations, it's a wonder he ever finished an innings.

Tanner and Conroy are able ministers in a popular government. They do not need to ridicule the chairman of a small company, even if Ergas is an occasional critic of the Rudd Government's policies. Nevertheless, Tanner returned to the target on the Insiders program on Sunday. He dismissed, without an attempt at analysis, an argument advanced by Ergas - describing the Concept Economics chairman as "a spear thrower for the Liberal Party".

An occasional critic? Oh chortle into the ether, Ergas has been a regular, reliable clarion trumpet call of criticism, constantly ridiculing Conroy, his NBN, Rudd and the rest of the government, flinging around words like legislated blackmail and doing his own cost-benefit test to prove it's a folly (his latest outing came here under the header Legislated blackmail for NBN monopoly).

Suddenly they should care about Henry Ergas? On what bizarro world?

But even worse awaits our prattling Polonius:

The same program showed footage of the PM's doorstop interview in Washington, following Glenn Milne's report in The Sunday Telegraph that Rudd had used bad language during a meeting with Labor factional leaders. The report was not denied but Rudd described Milne as the "Liberal Party's journalist of choice".

This is a harsh criticism. Even if it were true, the fact is most journalists are more favourable to Labor or the Greens than to the Coalition.

Shocking. Even if it were true ... which it might well be, but let's not go there, because then we'd all be sounding just like the fiendish PM.

What, you mean Glenn Milne, the lad who wrote that we were on the Orwellian road to Pyongyang, adopting glorious North Korean programs of authoritarian excellence, might be a little on the nose with the Labor party? (if you'd like to remember his latest fine flurry of floozies, it's Time to question our democracy).

On no, say it ain't so.

And then of course Henderson can't resist throwing in to the mix his oldest and most reliable mantra. Repeat it often enough and it must be true. Yep, the old saw that most journalists are more favourable to Labor or the Greens than to the coalition, in much the same way as I guess some might say Chairman Rupert Murdoch is a died in the wool socialist, who uses his seventy per cent ownership of print media in Australia to promote Phillip Adams as a reason for buying The Australian. (Oh wait, they are doing that. I got the shock of my life in Circular Quay the other day confronted by a large bill poster featuring Adams. Never again tell me that Bill Posters is innocent. He's as guilty as hell).

Well we all know the ABC is full of right wingers (I keed, I keed, the academic study is linked to here).

And Fairfax regularly publishes Henderson, valiant sticker of finger in the dyke to hold back the socialist hordes. Say no more.

So after an outing so predictable even a Victorian would feel comfortable, how about one last rib tickler, one hugely funny rip snorter, preferably involving John Howard:

One of Howard's errors in handling the media was that he was too nice - or, rather, too weak. He was continually courteous to some journalists who were rarely, if ever, courteous to him. At the weekend Rudd reacted with spite to a leak, reported by Milne, from within the Labor Party. The ALP is so far in front that Rudd does not need to bag Milne.

Oh it's a beauty. Drown me in the shallow end, before I get too deep into laughter. John Howard was too nice, or rather too weak, a courteous gentleman, whom I'm told spread his cape so no female journalist would step in the mud. The man of steel was just a marshmallow softie, a bit of flab. Weak kneed in front of a journalist.

Suddenly I feel a deep sympathy for John Howard. With friends like these, who needs enemies.

Now it seems we have a new spiteful man of steel and it isn't nice because he isn't nice like John Howard. And why would he want to bag that nice man Glenn Milne, who's ever so kind, just like John and Peter. Because this new man of steel is nasty and vindictive, that's what he is:

Rudd looks like being prime minister for quite some time. His tactic, as evident in the Nelson and Ergas incidents, is a formidable way of handling political conservatives. There is a carrot for those, like Nelson, on the way out of politics. This makes Rudd Labor look bipartisan. And there is the stick for those, like Ergas, who criticise government policies. This makes Rudd Labor look vindictive and serves as a warning to other potential critics.

Ah, the carrot or the stick. Or should that be the carrot on a stick (here). Whatever, it's the first time I've ever heard of this astonishing political strategy, so bizarro world is it. Because that nice John Howard never punished his enemies or rewarded his mates because he was never vindictive.

Of course, in this bizarro world, John Howard would have rescued Henry Ergas and his company (especially if he'd been a lick spittle running dog of Chairman Rudd and a devoted proponent of Senator Conroy's genius and his wonderful NBN plans), while taking time to treasure the bon mots of a bizarro world Glenn Milne who might have rabbited on at length about how John Howard was in fact taking us on the road to North Korea.

In much the same way as dear leader Rudd would just love to read Gerard Henderson running down John Howard's record.

There is a key problem with this approach. Rudd's reaction to Milne's story indicates that this Labor government is super sensitive to criticism. That will work while Labor remains popular but is likely to be counterproductive if, or when, the political tide turns.

Oh yes, a final image. Gerard Henderson kneeling in silent prayer, hoping, wondering, praying for the intervention of a fickle god who will turn the political tide, and smite mightily these fiends who so abuse a harmless Milne and a hapless Ergas.

Quickly now, take your winnings to the bank, because reading Henderson is likely to induce either catatonia, senility or vulgar snickering. It's a terrible thing, to see a man so tormented by the injustices rampant in the world.

And now time to exit stage right, or should that be time to entrance, as we place our bets on exactly when John Howard's name will be first evoked in Gerard Henderson's next column. Stay tuned.