(Above: 2.3 million images of Vanessa Hudgens when you google up her name with the filter off. What a celebrity! What a sweet young thing, with a flower in her hair! Are you going to San Francisco ....)
Silliest story of the week in The Punch, Australia's most cheap assed conversation?
Surely the gong would have to go to Nedahl Stelio for Sexifying young Hollywood, in which she clucks about Vanessa Hudgens getting caught up in an online sex scandal - beneath a photo of a skimpily clad Ms Hudgens looking like she wants to be the love child of a couple of sixties hippies.
Well Ms Stelio, physician heal thyself. Remove that snap at once! Put in a photo of Germaine Greer looking disapproving.
Fat chance.
Which is why we've put photos of Ms Hudgens top and bottom of this piece. Hey we want to take care of the male demographic and we're anxious to keep up the clicks, just like those cynical Chairman Rupert operatives. Traffic is its own reward.
Ms. Stelio offers up all kinds of fragrant advice to sweet young things thinking about taking off their clothes as a way of getting ahead, especially because of the evils of the intertubes these days. Why once a magazine could double sales with a scoop scandal, but these days everybody's got it in a flash and then discarded it with a meh.
Young innocent things understand none of this. What a pity Jodie Foster couldn't benefit from her advice before playing a 12 year old prostitute in Taxi Driver. Ruined Jodie's career it did.
The piece is of course just a chance for Ms. Stelio to do a glib round up of current tired Hollywood scandals. Well Frances Farmer to all that I say, or perhaps I should say Fatty Arbuckle, to take it back to the silent days. Or Charlie Chaplin if you want a man interested in sweet young things.
The routine always involves a standard twist of the "I'm no ... but" kind, and Ms. Stelio obliges:
I’m no prude, but I don’t think taking one’s clothes off or acting like a stripper should get you anywhere. Isn’t it just a modern day version of the casting couch?
Well I'm no idiot savant, just a loon, but can I just say John Della Bosca to that.
She even recycles Hugh Hefner, his play girls and Playboy as a scandal. Well it's a scandal mainly in the sense that they keep on allowing the old dotard to go on making a public fool of himself and his brainless harem, but beyond that, where's the harm.
Dearie me, the nineteen fifties still pulses strongly in the world of the enfeebled. And of course it wouldn't do to finish off without a dire warning about the imminent decline and fall of western morality as we know it:
... the point isn’t how famous they are, how they got there or how incredibly tacky they must be. The point is that these girls are the new role models for every teenage girl watching their shows, stalking the celebrities and wanting their lifestyle. Naked piccies and all. And that’s what’s worrying.
Oh yes, let's all sit around and worry. Better still let's have a prayer meeting with Helen Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.
Every young girl wants a celebrity lifestyle! Ah well we have a bubble headed booby in our mast, so perhaps every now and then we need to feature a fashionista airhead.
The funniest thing is that in her attached CV, it's revealed that Nedahl Stelio has a weekly celebrity gossip segment on 2DayFM, which no doubt feeds off the celebrity scandal du jour, and in her past she had three years as Deputy Editor at Cosmpolitan and editor of Cleo for five years.
That'd be the Cleo magazine that helped get Sydney primary school teacher Lynne Tziolas sacked for appearing in the nude, and discussing her and her husband's bedroom habits, back in 2008.
Let's hope Somebody Think of the Children! discussing censorship and moral panic in Australia gets on Ms. Stelio's case, because I'm thinking The Punch is likely to encourage moral panics as a way of getting pictures of pretty young things into their stories. The relentless march of the Murdoch empire is always downwards to the gutter.
So why not join them? Just practice that clicking and clucking with your tongue, a tch tch here and a tch tch there, here a cluck cluck, there a cluck cluck ..
Yes, I know I usually deal with the political end of loon pond, but sometimes it just gets too exhausting. Over at the Daily Terror there's Piers Akerman rabbiting on yet again in his quintessentially monomaniacal obsessive way about the Heiner Affair is one of the world's major political scandals, and I fell apart. I couldn't write about it in detail, it's just too absurd and surreal, as Akker Dakker uses Chairman Rudd's proposal to apologize to victims of institutional abuse as an excuse to get back on his hobby horse (PM's abuse apology ignores rape scandal).
Here's the Reader's Digest version: hypocrisy, robbed of their innocence, beyond breath-taking, putative apology, massive abuse of power, thwarted carriage of justice, destroying documents, illegal treatment, conflicting and incredible versions, criminal destruction of files, destruction of evidence, conspiracy to defeat justice, world's major political scandal (and then with a quick flip over to the AWB affair "outrageous smear", before back to Heiner), deliberately avoiding the truth when inconvenient, false claims, credibility as shredded as the Heiner documents, stage props at yet another Labor stunt.
Add Bligh or Rudd to any adjective and you can reconstitute this desiccated story into a full blown coconut
Phew, I got through it, but why do I always think of Günter Grass's novel The Tin Drum and the boy shrieking and banging the drum to drown out the noise? Is that the only way to go?
Now back to sweet young things.
(Below: yes it's Vanessa Hudgens again. But you didn't really think I'd show her nude snaps or her so-called lesbian photos, which are only a couple of kids having fun? Really that'd make me even more pathetic than The Punch. Still, you know how to google with the filter off. Don't let me stop you, but remember it wasn't the Christians who ruined Rome, it was the wild orgies in white sheets of the kind you can only see these days in Animal House. Can Chairman Rupert achieve the same as Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus?)
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