Piers Akerman, Liberals doing it for the sisterhood, and the joys of picket fence thinking

(Above: a picket fence, Blue Velvet style).

Tremendous news this Sunday. It turns out, somewhat unexpectedly, that Piers Akerman is a died in the wool feminist, and the Liberal party the last refuge for genuine feminists (it's all here in Labor's women MP record an illusion).

Whereas the Labor party is - as you'd expect of a motley gang of unionists and ex-shearers - inclined to shout "ducks on the pond" whenever they hear a woman's approaching, especially if the dangerous creatures might be inclined to take away their parliamentary sinecure.

Because - unlike athletics - the Liberal party is wonderfully free of gender bias. Indeed gender itself doesn't exist, in a kind of TG transmogrification where being a woman actually has nil impact.

The unadulterated record of Australian politics clearly demonstrates that the Liberal Party has been the principal vehicle for the elevation of women and the promotion of equality of the sexes in party matters.

While the ALP was still receiving its marching orders from the infamous and misogynist "faceless men’’, former Liberal leader Sir Robert Menzies was inviting the former Labor Party member Dame Enid Lyons to join the Liberals and enter federal politics, which she did on September 13, 1943, at the same time as Labor’s first female senator, Dorothy Tangney.

How sweet. I haven't heard the faceless men routine since, well, lordy, let's just say it would show my age something shocking. As I recollect, the faces of the faceless men were once emblazoned all over a tabloid doing its thing, much like the Daily Terror carries out its chores today, at the time making me wonder if they were faceless how come they had faces. (But of course the Liberal posters made sure they stayed faceless).

In those days I was a child and thought as a child, and now I've learnt to put away childish things. Except for Akker Dakker of course. Never stop me hearing his prattling. As we learn about level playing fields, a kind of political ground zero which streeeeetches the notion of gender:

But Tangney was to remain Labor’s sole woman in Parliament until her retirement in 1968, a token during that period, while the Liberals elected five women senators.

The Liberals’ treatment of women, in contrast to that of Labor, reflected Menzies’ view, outlined on January 29, 1943, in a program he titled Women for Canberra, saying "it is outmoded and absurd to treat a woman’s sex as a disqualification; it seems to me equally absurd to claim it as a qualification in itself’’.

The Liberals disregarded gender and selected their candidates on merit. Labor put factionalism and cronyism first and women, regardless of merit, a distant last.

What a pity they could then find so few female candidates of merit.

Still it's the thought that counts. Why next thing Akker Dakker will be doing a head count of all the blacks and gays (the out ones) that have turned up in Liberal ranks, to show just how much it's the party of the oppressed (he does so care about the gays).

Amazingly in some areas of his column Akker Dakker is remarkably restrained, as befits a newly gentle hearted feminist. He even resists the chance to quote Paul Keating's maiden speech in the house, as good a display of the 'women should stay in the kitchen' routine as has been led by any recent politician. I'm sure the re-born Akker Dakker would loathe any politician who runs the line that women would much prefer to stay in home.

Which is why he celebrates the impact of Susan Ryan:

The catalyst for Labor was the election of Susan Ryan as a Senator in 1975.

Ryan (a founder of the Women’s Electoral Lobby) was appointed to Labor’s front bench in 1977 and attempted to change the blokey trade union culture which had fought against equality for women in the workplace and resisted equal pay for equal work, part-time provisions in industrial awards and the abolition of the marriage ban in the Commonwealth Public Service.

She is otherwise best remembered for her willingness to sing with little encouragement and her marriage to Richard Butler, former Labor prime minister Gough Whitlam’s personal private secretary who was later to distinguish himself as the graceless short-termed governor of Tasmania.

Yep, she sang and she got married, and hey what a husband. Is Richard Butler the only man in the land who might be called graceless? Who knows how to diminish a woman like a bull in a china shop?

Whatever, let's get on with the eel bashing, and the praising as glorious of the stout hearted Liberals and their women, who even in the old days probably liked to read Ayn Rand, and all that implies.

During the 13 years of the Hawke-Keating government, only one woman served in cabinet at any time despite the appointment of such feminist luminaries as Dr Anne Summers to senior appointments in the Office of the Status of Women.

The only way Labor could break with its historic engrained prejudice against women was to introduce a system of affirmative action, giving great weight to women candidates and ensuring that women would gain an ascendancy through the appointment of Quota Queens who would "ensure fair representation’’.

Even so, and despite the media’s disparagement of former Liberal prime minister John Howard as a "white picket fence’’ politician with a "1950s vision’’ for the nation, he attracted a record number of women candidates for the 1996 election and some 15 new Liberal women politicians joined the 10 already in the Parliament.

Ah those brave and valiant Liberal women. Never mind the seat warmer, let's celebrate::

As Liberal Senator Helen Coonan noted recently when launching Margaret Fitzherbert’s book, So Many Firsts, that was 12 _ count them, 12 _ more than Labor and this milestone was achieved without any formal or informal quotas or any form of affirmative action or assistance such as Emily’s List provides Labor women candidates.

Yep, there's Senator Annabelle Rankin, Senator Ivy Wedgwood, Margaret Reid, and Coonan herself of course. Suddenly women matter when it comes to clubbing Labor around the head.

A Labor woman has yet to hold an economic portfolio. Listen to Labor though and it is as if this fine record of conservative women’s achievement does not exist.

The women journalists in the press gallery should set Labor straight. The shrill sisterhood has been at the barricades, but the heavy lifting has been done by Liberal women in the Parliament.

Shrill sisterhood? Oh Akerman's feminist to his bootstraps. But why no mention of Sophie Mirabella? What a fine example of a modern vision for women. Here she is scribbling in The Punch about the irrelevance of glass ceilings, because some women have better sense than to leave the home:

Perhaps women are making the “sacrifice” of not pursuing their career in order to ensure that they are able to manage the work of running a home and caring for young children, of which working women still do the lions share in most Australian households.

A recent study found that on average Australian fathers spend just one minute a day alone with their children during the working week. One minute a day.

The argument could of course be made that women are being “forced” to take up the slack because men still aren’t taking equal responsibility - that for all the advancements over the years, we are still essentially “chained” by the drudgery of these “chores”.

No doubt a case can be made for the need for quality childcare, for family friendly and flexible workplaces, for the menfolk to pitch in with the housework more – and these are all factors that affect women’s participation and advancement in the workplace.

No doubt a case could be made, but how tiresome and tedious, when Sophie and the young Paul Keating both knew that women were better off in the home looking after the kiddies, preferably behind a white picket fence (which it's true needs more painting, but somehow looks better than rusting iron or cracking brickworks).

Well it's certainly a vision, and as to whether it's a nineteen fifties or an eighteen fifties vision, I'll leave that to the purists to sort out.

Thankfully for Sophie there's none of this Akker Dakker nonsense about the need for women candidates on their merits or a level playing field. Wise women don't want to play the game at all:

... before we cry “gender foul” and raise the spectre of discrimination and the need for “quotas”, we must also allow for the possibility that a growing proportion of women- including university educated professional women - have made a choice not to pursue their careers to the highest levels. That they’ve worked out where their priorities (and the joys in life) actually lie.

We must allow for the fact – not often debated and discussed in polite circles - that many women, while immensely enjoying their careers, view parenting as their most satisfying and important role in life.

Phew, that's a relief. Women who really want to be women want to stay at home. They don't want to go into parliament or pursue careers at the highest level. Staying at home - the real joy in life - is where they want to romp, secure in their priorities.

There’s a chance that Australian women have actually figured this out and are making choices based on what’s right for both them and their family unit. Women are smart like that.

My only concern is why Sophie Mirabella didn't make the smart choice and stay at home, thereby saving us from her blather in The Punch (and here it is in full under the header Some women just don't want to break the glass ceiling).

Still the news that Piers Akerman is a caring feminist is enough for a rosy glow for the rest of the day. And now I can't wait for his tirade denouncing the limited vision shown by Sophie Mirabella. How he must hate her for her anti-feminist ways.

Oh yes, I hear a choir of heavenly angelic voices now that Akker Dakker has told me the Liberals are dying to promote women to safe parliamentary seats and perhaps even elevate a chosen one to be the first woman to become PM of Australia. Instead of that dreadful preening redhead Gillard woman, with her vile castrating ways.

But it can't be Sophie. She should be sent packing to her home. What a dilemma. Perhaps if Tony Abbott were to have a sex change it could be a double barreled triumph ...

Second thoughts, all this striving seems so hollow, so much like trying to teach a dog to walk on its hind legs.

I feel so joyous, so tranquil living here in Stepford. Thank you Sophie, thank you for explaining the wisdom of my choice, and the utter strangeness of your desire to become a shadow Minister. And hiss boo Akker Dakker for upsetting loon pond.

Excuse me now, there's a load of washing and a sparkling luncheon to prepare ... and perhaps then we can quaff a bottle of moselle - it's so much sweeter and nicer - in honor of newly enshrined feminist Akker Dakker ...

Now how did that silly Eurythmics song about sisters doin' it for themselves go?

Now we ain't makin' stories

And we ain't layin' plans
'Cause a man still loves a woman
And a woman still loves a man

Right on.

(Below: and now a joke, and what you might end up finding behind the picket fence, at least in Blue Velvet).