Thursday, December 14, 2017

In which the pond turns to the lizard Oz's resident Malware coach for blinding insights ...



Now there's a reliable disappointment. The pond had its opening line all figured out - a pussy groper in the White House and a teen molester in the Senate ... but at least we still have the pussy groper ...

Never mind, Thursday is the day when the pond turns to the resident Oz team Malware coach for pearls of wisdom. 

When the team is in trouble, and the captain seems adrift, the motor running rough, call on the savvy Savva for a skills tuning up ...



Must?

Gear up?

To hit the road?

We must have more images of Turnbull pretending to be a bushie?


Next thing you know those pics end up looking like this ...


Hit the road, and you might end up waking in fright somewhere in the Yabba ... or in Peel street ...

But as any good coach will tell you, fear is the fatal flaw. Self-confidence is what's needed, and everyone knows that Malware is a humble man, unaware of his potential greatness ...

Well there's the irony pill for the day, now it's on with the savvy Savva and a quick read of the coaching manual...


Doing a half-baked, half-arsed series of rural publicity stunts won't seem like the sort of flim-flam that passes for political discourse these days?

Well if you say so coach ... 

The pond can already feel an infrastructure surge, what with the tremendous success of the wonderful NBN as a testament to the epic deeds of this man who is clearly not a city slicker, but a man of action, a doer and an achiever, a great reacher and a stupendous helmet wearer ...




Sheesh, coach, isn't that enough hitting the road already? Can't we just pull over into a quiet spot and read the rest of the coach's manual?

Surely there's more to be said about perfidious Comrade Bill, and wondrous team player Malware, riding towards a win in Bennelong ...


Hit the road and as many electorates as possible to avoid a cattle stampede?

What about devising intelligent policies and governing the country, and trying to bring the crazed fundamentalists in the coalition to some form of basic sanity?

What's that coach? We tried all that and the best result was the totally fucked NBN? Never won a game all season? Don't look like winning now?

The pond rarely looks at the comments section in the lizard Oz - the maddened readership, driven crazy by thirst and drinking too much salty water in the noon day sun are always in the mood for a killing.

But when savvy Savva cranks her coaching up into high gear there's a guaranteed response ... the punters on the hill were in a feral mood ...


And so on and endlessly on. Truth to tell before it stopped reading the pond couldn't find a single punter on the hill or in the stands or even in the notorious Bay 13 at the MCG - yes, the pond has been in Melbourne recently - cheering on the coach's game plan, or the team, or Malware, or the anything else in the coach's manual ...

It was pretty much a fizza, and speaking of policy, it just so happens that the immortal Pope has a policy suggestion of his own this morning, with more papal insights here ...


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

In which the pond has a joyous reunion with nattering, fiscally responsible "Ned" ...



The pond knows it's old, but that impression of a beached onion muncher, with sundry other tossers and barking seals gave the pond a moment's joy on its return ... (and more joyous Rowe here).

Uppers must always be followed by downers, and is there anything more down than a dose of nattering "Ned"?



If nattering "Ned" is Malware's coach, is it possible to get a new team? 

After all, this is the outfit that delivered an NBN which each new day produces new heartbreaks ...


So we're about to see the same sort of rot set in down under as has recently infected the United States?

We're going to go from doom-laden reptiles shrieking about Greece and the dangers of deficits and debt, and the need to balance the budget and produce a surplus and reduce debt ... to dancing in the streets about an ongoing, incurable debt, and that's all fine, because somehow there'll be growth and somehow it will all trickle down?

There's always a market for kool-aid, and to be fair the reptiles have long experience peddling it ... but there's no need to go too far back in time for nattering "Ned" to be blathering on about the dangers of debt ...

Here he was in April 2016 ...


It doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even the pond, to understand that the United States is currently heading for its next big financial bruising under the Donald ...

All the classic signs of a crash are falling into place ... and yet suddenly the desire to follow the Donald and produce a "huge game changer" will see all that blather about fiscal responsibility head off to the trash can with the bin chickens ...

It's painful to watch, and even more painful to see the contortions grapple with the delusions ...


Hmm ... and what will reveal whether the reptiles are swayed these days more by talk of debt and economic disaster or the need to keep an inept Malware in power by dishing out cuts and talking of pie in the sky bye and bye?

Never mind, the pond will settle for a few more cartoons ... how it missed the Pope, with more blessings here, and a bonus Rowe on the same theme ...




In which the pond returns for a surfeit of reptiles and a roll call at Dame Slap's school of pain ...


The pond has had any number of reptile ventures while travelling (and how strange it is to be in a world disconnected from the full to overflowing intertubes).

It turns out that even on a Friday night the desperate desire of the reptiles to bump up the circulation figures leaves copies of the rag littering the airport like the almost award winning ubiquitous Sydney bin chickens (it goes without saying that the Tamworth city bird, the magpie, won). Fairfax long ago gave away this painful, obvious, and pathetic ploy and yet the reptiles remain tragically desperate and needy ...and delusional ... because people value things by what they pay for them, and free is what you pay for a suburban rag tossed over the gate.

Never mind, as a result, the pond was able to spot an advertisement from Foxtel in the lizard Oz advising that extreme weather events had impacted services.

Where were the reptiles when this happened? Surely it's as astonishingly a weak excuse as the South Australians offered for interruption to power supply. Oh back then how the reptiles mocked talk of extreme weather events. Suggestions that power lines knocked over might struggle to deliver power produced gales of reptile laughter. The power must go through, irrespective of storm, hail, tempest or tornado ...

Et tu Foxtel?

Is it time for Foxtel to get a great big battery to ensure continuity of supply? Probably not, but it seems they're offering a gizmo for $99 to provide a Foxtel streaming service, in a desperate attempt to catch up with Chromecast and all the rest of them ... hmm, perhaps a great big battery will come in handy. Or an even bigger travel bag full of delusions of grandeur.

Oh there was also the HUN and the Terror littering the airports like bin chickens, featuring the likes of Mark Latham, but that's too low rent even for the pond. And on the pond's return, it was in time to discover that the Terrorists are still trying to sell the joys of pissing two billion plus against the wall...


It's a fuck up, that's what it is, an unsellable policy fuck up ...

But back to the littering bin chickens. The pond caught up with the Major Mitchell, not having noted the lad for some time ... and his header was delicious ...


Anyone wanting to actually read the blusterer might have to click to enlarge - please, pause for a moment to reflect on the point before hitting the mouse - but the pond will just settle for reproducing the headline which the scanner so cruelly cut off: "Predicting Political Coups Every Second Day Is Junk Journalism."

It was so rich for a rag dedicated to calling for or predicting political coups every first day that the pond cackled with laughter, until nearby passengers started to eye the pond a tad nervously ...

And yesterday while in an airport, the pond also caught the Caterists in full flight ...

 

Again the scanner has cruelly cut off the header, which read "Paul Keating thinks Australians are stupid."

Who knows what Keating thinks of Australians sui generis, but the pond has every conviction that Paul Keating thinks the Caterists are profoundly stupid.

Again the pond only offers the clipping as evidence of having been there - it might be readable by way of clicking to enlarge the portions - but for those without the energy or the desire to visit corpses of the past, take it from the pond it's as richly a stupid piece as the Caterists have managed in many a year. It must have left prattling Polonius rolling about in a fit - to think that Ming the Merciless might need a braying, taxpayer funded Pom as his defender ...

Funnily enough, the Caterists relied on another pond favourite Hal Colebatch, and the only benefit to that is to be able to provide a link to Peter Stanley here, which inter alia included these lines:

I recently said (in response to a question from Mike Seccombe of The Saturday Paper) that ‘good history has to be based on evidence, scholarship and good writing’. I thought that ‘Hal Colebatch’s book fails on every one of those measures’. Let’s start with the writing. For a book written by a man known as a poet, Australia’s Secret War is strikingly badly written. It resembles nothing so much as music by Michael Nyman, the composer of monotonous scores for films such as The Piano or The Draughtsman’s Contract: for a while interesting, but soon wearying by repetition.

Indeed, indeed, the pond is no fan of Nyman, so there's a palpable hit.

But now the pond must leave its travels and its airport sojourns behind - the only thing worse than free reptile sightings is an abundance of free reptile sightings and all the tears that must be shed at the lost forests of trees - though perhaps we should note that both the Terror and the HUN were offering tempting subscription deals, featuring "free" noise cancelling headphones, and sundry other benefits, in all an alleged over $550 in value, for the modest stipend of seven bucks a week, or over the first twelve months, a total minimum cost of $364, meaning that the reptiles were now operating as a charity and just giving it away to any punter wanting to cash in ...

It's another part of that "free" syndrome, this time featuring preposterous figures that don't add up ... though the reporting is admittedly as shoddy as the accounting.

Of course it's just a rort and the reptiles are relying on the punters to allow the automatic subscription to kick in, so that they might become News Corp johns turning tricks on a weekly basis for ever ...

Oh and the pond should note that Disney rather than Comcast are still in the hunt for vast swathes of the Chairman's empire. Has anyone wondered how Disney's corporate family-laden values will sit with a news channel that regularly trolls for pussy gropers and child molesters? How will the mouse and Hannity sit together? Will this trip to the dark side see "Judge" Jeanine sit alongside "Judge" Roy and score a support role as Darth calls for a cleansing of the empire?

Never mind, the pond must return to the digital present because headmistress Dame Slap has called everyone into class for end of year grades ...

  


Still she does it!? How could the pond resist? It was inevitable that suitable illustrations would be dragged from the vault ...

 

The pond started this routine as a joke, but Dame Slap has earnestly embraced the role ...


Of course it's more than coincidence that Dame Slap's star pupil should turn up today in the lizard Oz with a stupendously stupid headline splash ...


All the pond can do is offer a prayer of hope for anyone caught up in the welfare system in this country and become a victim of interfering bureaucrats, urged on by brutalist lizard Oz columnists. 

If there's a living hell on earth, it's trying to deal with Centrelink ... a form of torture devised and approved of by politicians incapable of filling out a form in relation to citizenship which would disqualify a welfare recipient for decades ...

Dame Slap exemplifies all that's wrong with a system designed first of all to punish and to shame and to restrict and to deny...


But enough of the cane for the moment, it's on with the verbal abuse and so to the rest of the assessments ...


The idea that Dame Slap is dedicated to "liberal" with a small "l" principles makes the pond glad it isn't reading the column in an airport ... the eruption of cackles might have disturbed other passengers, could even have seen security called ... and then the pond might have been forced to imitate a clock on the run ...


And now just like frequent flyer points, all good junkets must come to an end ... because we all know what's coming, an assessment of the captain of the class, a no good loser dropkick ...


In all this lather of reptile fury, the pond will admit to missing only one thing. 

The cartoons, like this one by Rowe hinting at the massive hypocrisy of those willing to pillory Chinese banqueters while sitting down to indulge in and enjoy their own little financial feast ... and as always more Rowe here ...



Friday, December 08, 2017

The pond is taking a break ...

The pond unexpectedly has to take a trip to Melbourne ... to experience the pleasures of four seasons in one day ... (Sydney can only manage a couple, torrential downpour with hail for pond's walking pleasure, or humidity designed to cultivate mould).

As a result, the pond will be out of action for a few days ...

This means anyone wanting news of prattling Polonius or the rest of the great reptile gang will have to do it on their own ...

Good luck, and may the long absent lord provide for all our safe returns, She being willing ...

In the meantime, enjoy the fussing and the feuding and the squabbling and the fighting and the hand to hand wrestling celebrated by Rowe this day, with more Rowe here ...




In which the pond contemplates Barners ...



The pond knows for a fact that many in the Tamworth area did not believe, and thought talk of Barners' indiscretions was fake news ... a handy situation with the vote pending, and the media supine ...

And now the world has spread ...


And now what do we learn, thanks to the purple lizard Oz?

Not much ...


And that's your lot from the lizard Oz.

Head off to the Northern Daily Leader, ostensibly the local rag of record, and what do you get?

Not much more ...


Well since Barners' team asked about the relevance to the by-election, here's a few clues. First there's the matter of hypocrisy in relation to SSM, and secondly there are other social issues on which candidates express views ... as Barners did when he first rode roughshod into parliament ...


Catch that full Senate maiden speech here ...

Imagine having a deeply corrupt brown paper bag man as your mentor, and then boasting about it in federal parliament ...

But of course it wasn't that which caught the eye at the time, it was Barners raging about abortion as the "slavery debate of our time."


That here ...

That here ...

Barners is lucky that the veil of silence still hangs over the activities of politicians in Australia, and the way their personal behaviour relates to the beliefs they hang out to catch votes ...

The NDL could only manage a couple more feeble pars about its attempts to interrogate Barners before voting day ...


There's actually a lot more to be revealed about what went on ... but Barners is lucky that the veil of silence that hangs over the activities of politicians in Australia is very much still in the days of the John F. Kennedy style of reporting ...

Trust Tony Windsor here to re-tweet a Bette Midler tweet ...


He was perhaps keeping in mind the contents of this sort of tweet, which only lurks in the undergrowth ... or this sort of story here... or this sort of story here ...

Now the pond is no prude. The pond enjoys the state of marriage so much it has tried it several times ... but then the pond doesn't blather on endlessly about the joys of marriage, the evil of abortion or the wonders of Gina ...

It's just as well for Barners that the supine Chairman Rupert media maintain their silence here ... and it's left to the cartoonists to report on where all this hypocrisy has led the United States ...

Not that it changes anything, but at least it brings the mushrooms out of the basement, and puts the hypocrites at the top of the trash heap ...