In which Dame Groan speaks in tongues and HMV speaks through a bureaucrat ...

 

Speaking of weird ...

 

 

There's more here, but as a Satan-worshipping blog (how the pond loves its imaginary friends and that movie The Exorcist and the 360 degree head turn), a special commendation for the splash at the top of the weirdness ...

 

Now you have to follow the link to wave your hands at imaginary friends, but the pond would rather settle back and check out the other reptile offerings this day ...

 

 

Ah Albo doing his bit to help sell the Murdochian paywall, but what a relief, a chance for the pond to  wave along with Dame Groan ...

 

The pond knows the steps to this hokey pokey ...

Yes, we heard it all yesterday, and yes, we'll hear it all again tomorrow, and yes, only the form of deviance - New Zealand one day, Canada the next - is likely to change, but it's god's work the reptiles are doing, and She's a hard taskmaster ...

 

The pond was wondering how soon we might get to the inner city 'leets, because there's nothing like a braying Dame with a handsome reptile payout to evoke the 'leets ... 

Of course we must consider the pesky problem of  Canada, just as we have considered the pesky problem of New Zealand, anything to avoid considering how our imaginary friend will save us by installing a genuinely pesky lad to do god's work ...

 

 

We all have our rituals, some involving gluten-saturated wafers, and others involving worship at the altar of lumps of black dinkum beauty ...

The pond always drags out a snap of fellow worshippers at prayer whenever the reptiles get on their bandwagon. Now back to Dame Groan, though without the high stepping ways of Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse, more the leaden plod of groaning predictability ...

 

Yes, there's no point in doing anything, no point at all and if you're a climate denialist reptile of the Groanian kind, how sweet is that ... but relax, if we pray to the god of technologies yet to be invented, we will all be saved ...

Chris almighty, everybody just loves the reptiles on their hobbyhorse ...

 

But that was yesterday, and this is today,  and Dame Groan is relaxed, knowing that climate science is just a hoax pursued by inner city folk in the grip of a weird religion ...

What else? Oh perhaps the pond should pause for another favourite comedy show ...

 

And now on to World War III ...

Yes, we're on a holy crusade and the sabre rattling at the lizard Oz has been fierce ...

 

Modi faces catastrophe? Why that's nothing up against a crusade, a holy war ...

It set the pond wondering. When did bureaucrats get to declare war? When was the last time a functionary stepped out into the limelight to announce a crusade? Most likely when they're extremely anxious to hear praise as they follow their master's voice ...

 

Come on down, devoted hound, and sound the alarums and let loose the dogs of war ...

 

Ah the confident pose and swagger stick strut of a man in full military kit, ready to hit the front line as soon as HMV tells him ...

 

Yes, yes, all that aside, how soon before the bureaucrat gets to announce World War III, in lieu of HMV turning up to do the job?

 

Oh indeed, indeed, but aren't we getting ready to fight for our liberty, aren't the drumbeats of war growing louder, aren't we on the path to a holy war where we might strike down the infidels, isn't it time for the crusade to be launched by a bureaucrat? Or must we wait for hitlerjugend to bash the drums?

Oh wait, could it be that the pond just got trapped in a bunch of mealy mouthed rhetoric of the lowest kind ...

Fucketty fuck, is that the best we've got? A blathering donkey wanting to curry favour with a potato head? 

We're doomed, no doubt about it, and the pond immediately got out a lump of coal and prayed over it, and the pond's prayers were answered as a Rowe hovered into view, and there were more Rowes to be found here ...

 

Good old Craig, though these days the pond relies on others for its updates, as with this Crikey yarn yesterday ...

 

This got some gamers agitated, as here, at Kotaku, but the silly lads completely failed to understand. 

Playing a video game is shockingly indecent. but preparing for a holy world war III is thoroughly civilised ... turn unto the mighty militaristic mutton Dutton and his minions, worship at the altar of coal, and all will be well ... and soon enough you'll woke to a totally fucked planet ...

In which the pond notes the new climate denialist dress worn by the Major and the Caterist this week ...

 

The pond is well over a couple of reptile features that aren't a bug, but are baked in ... the first being the incessant preening and feather display wherein a reptile bows down to the wonders of News Corp and berates media rivals ...

What that speaks of is a deep insecurity, possibly a self-hynotic belief or delusion that if you keep saying you're the best, you have the right angle, the right fix, maybe some sucker out there will think you are ... and won't notice the way the fix is in.

The second is ongoing climate science denialism. These days, of course, the outright, blatant lying and distorting of data and refutations of climate scientists' work, as done in the ancient times of Monckton yore, now have to be done a bit more tippy toe, a bit more nuanced, though the point remains the same. 

There's a token nod of the hat in the direction of global warming, perhaps even a token acceptance that things might not be entirely rosy in the planet's garden, even a hint that something might need to be done, and then it's on with the usual bullshit about how nobody else is doing what Australia is doing ...  and in a sense the reptiles are right about that ...

There's no point in arguing with the reptiles when they get in this sort of mood. There's no point in producing alternative data, or poking at their insecurities because then they just roll themselves up into a foetal ball of unhappiness, and keep on keeping on.

Take the Major, please someone take the Major. There's not the slightest evidence that his absence from a newspaper column would be any more disruptive than not having Paul Sheehan around to scribble about magic water ... and yet each day he persists, and each day, Don Quixote style, he tilts at the usual windmills ...

 

 

Oh fucketty fuck, it's the ABC and the Graudian yet again. Hasn't he got anything better to do? Has he tried interviewing a climate scientist or three? How sad the headline writer couldn't fit Nine into the headline, because of course they made it into the text ...

 

No, the beefy Angus isn't right,  the beefy Angus is a fuckwit with a dubious track record on many matters, such as murky company schemes and making up stuff when it comes to Lord Mayors ... and while the pond understands that it's the Major's duty as a correspondent for the Pravda down under hive mind set, doesn't he ever get tired trotting out that 1.3 per cent bullshit each time he gets down with his own patented climate science denialism ...

Others have tackled this problem, as at The Conversation in 2019, with How to answer the argument that Australia's emissions are too small to make a difference ... 

 

And so on and so on, but all it means is that the pond has yet again been a sucker and bitten on the bullshit that somehow Australia can boast about having huuuge piles of coal and gas and can still carry on regardless, and yet somehow manage to do its bit for global warming ... because, in reptile la la land, it's everybody else's fault ...

 

What really gets the pond's goat is when the Major and his ilk deliberately misrepresent a fact checking piece, just to maintain the war on New Zealand, a form of distraction from SloMo and beefy Angus's pitiful performance ...

It was a specious Dame Groan claim that sent the AAP into fact checking mode, and in December 2020 turned out this in The Canberra Times (might be paywall affected) ...

...It should be noted that on a per capita basis Australia's emissions were much higher than New Zealand's.
Australia's net emissions were 90 per cent higher than NZ's in 2018, and gross emissions were 38 per cent higher. Based on OECD figures, NZ had the fifth highest gross emissions per capita in the OECD in 2018, while Australia had the highest emissions per capita.
Australian National University honorary associate professor Hugh Saddler is an expert in greenhouse gas emissions accounting. Dr Saddler said gross emissions were a better way to compare the true emissions of each country and removing the LULUCF emissions from Australia's net emissions provided a comparable figure for NZ's gross figures.
"The gross emissions provide an apples with apples comparison," he said. "It gives a much better representation of the progress each country is making in moving towards a net-zero economy."
Dr Saddler said comparing gross emissions on a per capita basis would also be fairer.
He said the methods used to estimate LULUCF emissions by both countries were robust and subject to a rigorous review process undertaken by experts from other countries.
"I know about this process, because I was for some years one of these experts and took part in reviews of a number of other countries," he said. "I would therefore be astonished if New Zealand was able to undertake 'fancy accounting sidesteps'."
Dr Saddler said because Australia's per capita emissions were much higher than New Zealand's, the larger country would need to reduce its emissions at a much greater rate in order to reach parity.
Australia's emissions profile also made it easier to reduce its emissions, he said. For example only 21 per cent of Australia's electricity came from renewable sources in 2019, whereas New Zealand's electricity was 82 per cent renewable (page 2).
AAP FactCheck found it mostly false to claim Australia's emissions reduced between 2005 and 2018 while NZ's emissions increased.
While Prof Sloan correctly cited Australia's net emissions reduction, New Zealand's emissions also decreased during this period - albeit at a lower rate than for Australia.
New Zealand's net emissions were not misleadingly low due to "fancy accounting sidesteps", as Prof Sloan suggested. Gross figures - which do not account for land use and forestry changes - show New Zealand's emissions reduced three per cent, while Australia's gross total increased by 5.8 per cent over the same period.

It's galling that the pond has to provide a link, while Major Mitchell doesn't bother, it's galling that the pond has bitten yet again at reptile tripe, and it's especially galling that the Major entirely misrepresents the key finding ...

The pond hits peak discontent at having to acknowledge that former Chairman Rudd and Malware, the man who ruined the NBN, have a better case than the Major, and not just because he's a wolfie denialist in bullshit sheep's clothing, and a moron of the first water , it's because the data supports them rather than the Major ... but when has it ever been different?

But what would produce the ultimate pond freak-out? The Major ending on a Bjorn-again note ...

 

Very few people outside the Terror, the Major, News Corp in general and the Bjorn again man himself take Lomborg seriously, but these days he's the new "Lord" Monckton for the reptiles, and they regularly regurgitate his nonsense as if it were gospel. 

The pond understands that in terms of the science, the Major is standing to the back of the crowd and can only hear "blessed are the Bjorn-again cheesemakers", but there's only so much cheese the pond can take ... here, have a couple of cartoons as a breather, they're full of great beefy Angus science ...

And yet the pond was barely back in base to enjoy the cartoons when it had to saddle up and ride out again to greet the Caterist, a man completely clueless about the movement of floodwaters in quarries and yet somehow expecting us to take his feeble, pathetic attempts at climate science seriously ...

 

The stench of hypocrisy emanating from the Caterist is exemplified by that pathetic attempt to use a  woman usually mocked by the reptiles to mock jolly Joe's ambition ...

But before we get going, why not take a look at the AEC 2019-20 associated entity return for the Menzies Research Centre, here.

Now we've been reminded we're dealing with a branch of the Liberal party, with a healthy dose of federal government cash in the paw, we can move on to the denialism ..

.

 

Note that this murmuration of reptiles sees the Caterist and the Major whistling the same tune, talking of Nine media, with the Caterist being terribly witty about the climate cognoscenti, because if there's one thing that unnerves and agitates the Caterist it's a display of intelligence ...

How desperate to things then get? Well in lieu of the cult master, the reptiles offer up a cartoon ...

 

By now all the reptile themes have been given yet another parade, though this time Canada bears the burden. But can New Zealand be far behind, and can the lies about Australia's performance be just around the corner?

 

 

How about observing the fate of the world? Nope, not when you get cash in the paw to toe the federal government line. In other parts of the world, that would be viewed as a corrupting example of the power of money. But this sort of corruption is standard, because how good is Australia? Your honour, the cash in the paw just fell off the back of a truck, and so I felt compelled to be churlish and apply a partisan edge to this topic ...

And so to a Rowe, deemed so sensitive that you had to click on it to access it at his Twitter account here ... 

And yet if Hindu nationalists can follow Modi down assorted rabbit holes, as reported in 2004 in The Times of India here ...

AHMEDABAD: Gandhi is not so great, but Hitler is. Welcome to high school education in Narendra Modi''s Gujarat, where authors of social studies textbooks published by the Gujarat State Board of School Textbooks have found faults with the freedom movement and glorified Fascism and Nazism.
While a Class VIII student is taught ''negative aspects'' of Gandhi''s non-cooperation movement, the Class X social studies textbook has chapters on ''Hitler, the Supremo'' and ''Internal Achievements of Nazism''.
The Class X book presents a frighteningly uncritical picture of Fascism and Nazism. The strong national pride that both these phenomena generated, the efficiency in the bureaucracy and the administration and other ''achievements'' are detailed, but pogroms against Jews and atrocities against trade unionists, migrant labourers, and any section of people who did not fit into Mussolini or Hitler''s definition of rightful citizen don''t find any mention." They committed the gruesome and inhuman act of suffocating 60 lakh Jews in gas chambers" is all the book, authored by a panel, mentions of the holocaust.
The section on ''Ideology of Nazism'' reads: "Hitler lent dignity and prestige to the German government within a short time by establishing a strong administrative set up. He created the vast state of Greater Germany. He adopted the policy of opposition towards the Jewish people and advocated the supremacy of the German race. He adopted a new economic policy and brought prosperity to Germany.
He began efforts for the eradication of unemployment. He started constructing public buildings, providing irrigation facilities, building railways, roads and production of war materials. He made untiring efforts to make Germany self-reliant within one decade. Hitler discarded the Treaty of Versailles by calling it just ''a piece of paper'' and stopped paying the war penalty. He instilled the spirit of adventure in the common people"...

... then they should be able to cope with this, if only in the spirit of adventure in the common people, infected and dying in droves...

In which prattling Polonius reveals Freudian obsessions, Dame Slap is ... Dame Slap ... and the dog botherer autofellates in the usual doggie way ...

 

What a relief. After all the hurly-burly yesterday, arising from the war on China and the war on climate and the war on coal, how sweet it is to pick on someone that's a bit smaller and bung on a do with them. 

And is there anyone better at bullying than our own playground dominating prattling Polonius?

 

 

 

Don't let that face or its funny peculiar accent talking of soxty sox soosages fool you. She's a harridan, a veritable Medusa, and a fit figure for Polonius's ire.

 

Now around this point some tiresome Freudian will no doubt intrude and wonder why Polonius always has a problem with women in power, but the pond says fiddlesticks to that, at least this week he can give the 'ABC lacking a single conservative' routine a well-deserved rest, and scribble furiously about the way that New Zealand lacks decent conservative rool ... oh Piggy, how we miss you ...

 

 

Of course the pond was shocked that the New Zealanders had refused to join the war on China, all the more so as this is Anzac day, and it's outrageous that these derelict no gooders still get their initials in the name, when Aac, or if you will Aac Aac, should be the new designation (handy if we come under attack from Martians, we'll be able to speak their language) ... but do go on, and please try not to keep that Freudian fixation on a woman in power slip out too often ...

 

Of course the ABC would refuse to ask the tough questions of that dreadful but clever and cunning like a vixen politician. It goes without saying that the broadcaster doesn't have a single conservative on its staff - oh dear, the hoppy toad slipped out again - and how much better it would be if Polonius was assigned to do the breakfast show. By golly, he'd show them how it's done, what with bright talks each morning about Ming the Merciless, B. A. Santamaria, tykes and the DLP...

And now, because reading Polonius can bring out the pedant in one, the pond would like to draw attention to a question in The Canberra Times, "Has Australia cut its greenhouse emissions faster than New Zealand?", which is paywall protected, but should only chew up one free click ...

It was Dame Groan who set the hare loose, in her usual Groanian way ...

 

And that led to endless figures and calculations ...

 

 

 

And so on and on, and in the end, the pond decided it had to cut to the chase ...

 

 

 

... just so it could back to Polonius's last gobbet, and show off what had sent the pond off to match Polonius at pedantry ... yes, Polonius did a quick Groan ...

 

Indeed, indeed, even when it comes to mass murder by an Australian, it's obvious that it's all the fault of the Kiwis and their dreadful leader ... 

But enough of Polonius's bizarre obsessions, because it's time to turn to those of Dame Slap ...

 

At this point, the boasting of Dame Slap became almost too much to bear, and the pond began to wonder why the reptiles had posted this story fairly close to Dame Slap's column ...

 

 

 

What did it mean? Was it like a carbon offset? Toxic fumes from Dame Slap balanced by toxic stories?

 

And what was the pond to make of this cryptic message from the oscillating fan in a column the pond couldn't bear to repeat in full?

 

 

 

"Certain media outlets and social media"? Was he talking about the reptiles, and Dame Slap? Or was he just sipping the Murdochian kook aid?

A culture of grievance? But the reptiles are full of grievance. In fact the oscillating fan took his culture of grievance to a meta-reflexive level by grieving about the level of grievance ...

Dame Slap, on the other hand, just grieves and whines and moans all the bloody time ...

 

Oh indeed, indeed, poor hapless men confronted by flirty women ... how we've been down that terrible path before ...

 

 

Sorry, the pond doesn't know how that snuck in there, but it is a meditative Sunday, so let's celebrate flirty fishing as a way of getting closer to god ... and now back to normal programming, which is to say weird Dame Slapspeak ...

There's nothing like establishing a leftist conspiracy to explain everything, in much the same way that climate science will see the United Nations introduce a world government by Xmas ... but even with that in mind, the peculiar writhings of Dame Slap in that last gobbet were downright weird, what with her having made sweeping generalisations, and then deploring sweeping generalisations, and then bizarrely imagining that men have never made generalisations about women ...

Generally the pond was left with the general impression that it was reading the thoughts of an IPA stooge and chairman ... perhaps a smaller dose would help with the adjustment required ...

 

Nope, it's just more fucking weird ... best just to gulp it down and be done with it ...

Ms Slap, New Zealand is a hotbed of treachery and treason. It might be a nice place for mindless tourists to be beguiled by the siren song that treacherously deluded Odysseus, but please, read Polonius before talking of reopening borders ... remember, it takes only one Kiwi landing here to speak of fush and chups, and the next thing you know, China will have landed a zillion troops in Darwin, and it's all their bloody fault, them and their lax gun laws and their pretending to care about climate science, when everyone knows the reptiles are the only ones who can save the planet ...

And so to a special bonus ...

 

 

Yes, it's the dog botherer, and as it's a long read, it's only for hardened, experienced, toughened herpetology students with a meditative Sunday to waste...

Best to start with a nibble, so that it can be noted that the dog botherer is front and centre in this tale. There's a lot of I, me, my, in this story ...

 

 

Say what, he's already confessing to being one of those shameless inner city 'leets who ruin everything? What's this got to do with anything, apart from the strutting self-important hubris of a crow eater turned eastern stater?

Never mind, the pond has lived with a view of the harbour, and even better a view of the mighty Yarra, and rubbed noses with Rollers in the Toorak village car park, so we're all 'leets at some point in our urban lives ...

 

Of course Malware's biggest mistake was his ability to pick fuckwits for advisors, from the multi mix of the NBN to utegate ...oh great days ... as remembered at the AFR in 2015 by that terrible Joe Aston ...

The first episode of The Killing Season on Tuesday night was surely the best thing to happen to the political classes since George Brandis explained metadata.
The ABC documentary reminded us that Sarah Ferguson has the best voice on television and left us all remembering in wonderment that complete weirdo Godwin Grech. Which we'll come back to …
Now, remember back in January when Tony Abbott was being laughed off the national stage for knighting Prince Philip and the conservative commentariat were calling for the blood of the PM's chief of staff Peta Credlin?
Daily Telegraph columnist Miranda Devine, for one, wasn't wasting time with subtleties, openly pushing for Credlin's replacement to be "the person she didn't want to hire as head of communication strategy, despite various entreaties from high-level media and political figures: Chris Kenny".
Kenny, Devine wrote of her News Corp stablemate, is "in touch with the world, has the right ideas [and] shares Abbott's broad world view.
"But his greatest attribute is that he's fearless and confident enough to challenge the cosy consensus thinking."
But who comprised Malcolm Turnbull's inner sanctum when the Grech/Utegate misjudgment destroyed his leadership? His chief of staff was Kenny – fearless to a fault! – while Credlin was banished to a broom closet, finishing her law degree.

Well, the pond did say that was going to be a lot I, me, my in this fearless saga ... especially when a judgmental loon thinks he has the judgmental chops to judge others' failings ...

 

Oh not really. Why blame News Corp when Malware's idea of a good hire was to put a loon like the dog botherer on staff ... a loon who now seeks to trade off on past brushes with politics by pretending to discover deep similarities between former Chairman Rudd and Malware, when the alleged shared qualities -  volatile characteristics, alternating charm and viciousness, grandstanding on climate but refusing to deliver, desire for public adulation but inability to consolidate internal support, and the triumph of knightly hope over actual Green army achievement might equally apply to the onion muncher...

But then the pond didn't promise insight, it just promised a lot of dog bothering ... so it's back to the I, me, my routine ...

 

... which begs the question, why should a denialist of the dog botherer kind care? It was the perfect trifecta... killing off pollies who accepted the science, installing a loon of the first water who thought climate science was crap, and fucking the planet. It was all a dog botherer might hope for ... and even today there are some conspiracy theorists who think that utegate was nothing up against the dog botherer's climategate ...

And so back to the I, me, my routine, because the dog botherer wants you to know he was a player. Oh sure some might think of him as an attendant scribe, to swell a progress, start a utegate scene or two, advise the Lord on how best to fuck Iraq, but he was a player ...

 

The pond dares anyone to imagine anything more nauseating than the sight of the dog botherer up both News Corp's bum and his own, all at the same time ... and yet he does it with such innocence and delight, much like a flexible young man might show when he realises he can autofellate ... but quickly now, because there's still two gobbets of I, me, my to go ...

 

Indeed, indeed, but as the dog botherer himself mentioned Lord Downer, the pond can't let go the chance to wander down memory lane again ...

 

 

Who needs former Chairman Rudd or Malware when you can have Lord Downer and the dog botherer?

 

What to say? Well there's always fuck the dog botherer, and fuck the documentary, which just on this text alone seems designed to arouse sympathy for Malware and former Chairman Rudd, a sympathy the pond is reluctant to grant them ... and yet, the dog botherer sounds so pitiful, playing such a wretched insider's game, that we all know his documentary won't be compelling, but rather an example of the sort of cosplay that News Corp indulges in when it comes to political power ...

It dares the pond to ask the question, why would anyone have any interest in what this loon has to say, given the way he's fucked things up, from utegate to Iraq, and yet still manages to regard himself as being a font of political wisdom and insight ... and who right now is still doing his level best to fuck the planet ...

Meanwhile, an old thought from 2020, but as the dog botherer mentioned the Graudian, the pond thought it might reheat a portion and serve it, with the whole pie here ...

Yes ... yes ... yes...