In which the pond goes with the old reliables, as dependable as a cone geyser doing its faithful spouting ...

Things are gradually returning to normal at the lizard Oz, though the shuffling around of the deck chairs on the commentary Titanic continued this day …

The Oreo is back in her Monday slot, defending the nonsensical, and only deserving of a Steve Bell cartoon, as found here …

It's odd to see our Henry move away from his Friday slot, but whatever, and the Caterist used to be on a Tuesday, but any day is a good day for a Caterist.

The big mystery is what has happened to Major Mitchell. The pond sent out an 'MIA' alert, and it seems the reptiles last heard from him back in December. He's now officially worse than the ABC, which is a dreadful state of affairs.

Never mind, there's an abundance of riches, but sadly the pond can only deal with two of them. 

Two shall be the number, and the number shall be two, and of this number, the prime number is the dog botherer, and so his howl of rage into the ether shall lead the way …because the poor little doggie is still feeling the heat for his shameless conduct over the years, and now he not only has to remain a devoted climate denialist, he has to deny the denialism, which produces an abundance of denials, enough to keep de Nile in water for years …

Well of course dear sweet doggie denialist doofus, and the notion that you and the Bolter reporting the likes of the lesser member of the Kelly gang and such like weren't at the heart of it offers a false modesty the pond doesn't know how to handle.

Please, continue proud and out, don't let these indolent wastrels and nit-pickers hamper your ongoing denialism - denial of denialism is such a lowering of the standards …

Oh sure, people will joke, and laugh, and dance amongst the dead trees and creatures and people with Murdochian delight …

Stay strong …stay Plimerish!

Was it only on the weekend that Bjorn came out to deliver his usual nonsense?

And the Bolter was back, blathering about the warmists in the usual way, apparently unaware that things had been a tad warm this summer …

Stay out and proud, doggie dear, and please, scribble lines which can be read by anybody with a sense of comedy timing …

"…it is my choice as to the facts …"

Exactly, and long may you choose the facts that suit you, so that proud Murdochian traditions can continue … for the gatling's jammed, the square runs red with bloodied denials, and there's a rat in the family ranks …

Oh poor suffering, tortured doggie ...

Or it might just require ongoing reading of the dog botherer! What a cunning way to ensure ongoing readership interest! How soon before the dog botherer can put aside his weak defensive strokes, and return to his full blooded acing of the warmists …

And so to the bonus, another denialist, this time of the Caterist kind, surely the best guide to the movement of flood waters in quarries the land has ever seen, but this time, the Caterist must wade through the floods surrounding SloMo … not that the pond bothers to read News Poll and its easy way to fill in a Monday …

The pond has no idea why the Caterist is sounding so agitated. Everything is for the best. Sure, there have been some cheap jokes …

But great galloots aside, there's a chance for the greatest galloot of all to return to centre stage, and surely he's the main man …

 

Oh how the pond has missed him, oh how climate science needs him, and how the agenda-less agenda would benefit from his return ...

Oh dear, already, and yet too soon?

Are we ready for reptile quoting reptile, and the Caterist resorting to recycling nattering "Ned" this early in the new year?

It can't be a good sign … and so to a little standard denialism, and a recalling of Brian Fisher's discredited work, because what's a reptile has to do when the heat is on … rather like doggies returning to stale, weary and useless vomit, warmed by the noon day sun ...

Gas? But wasn't the dog botherer only a few short pars ago reviling those who relied on oil and gas?

Sometimes it gets so the pond is completely confused by the denialists who refuse to go the full denialist hog …

What on earth is he blathering about, this flood water Caterist, proposing that emissions reduction demands a serious policy response in its own right?

Does he think all those years of denialism are forgotten simply because it's the Year of the Caterist Rat?

Is it time for the Caterist to wash out his mouth with soap? What next, a proposal that coal might be priced out of the market in a short time? Whither Adani, whither years of reptile training?

And that's how it goes. Confronted with Scotty from marketing and Bridget from distribution, and climate denialism lurking in the woodwork, the reptiles are in a spot of bother …

Never mind, as always, the immortal Rowe can find a little humour in the situation, with more Rowe here …

In which Dame Slap returns from her land of the maple syrup hols to berate the Canuckians ...

Now that she's back, the pond just had to find out what Dame Slap had been doing for her hols …

Turns out it was Canada, and being Dame Slap, when she visits a country like Canada, her natural instinct is to drop a bucket load of shit on it.

It's true she likes to drop a bucket load of shit on most things - though strangely she never finds it in her heart to head off to Donald's United States and drop shit on it - and all the pond could think by the end of the read was how lucky the New Zealanders were that she decided to fly over them, like a Paul Keating on the way to Paris to check out the clocks …

As for the content, it's just the usual Dame Slap, and is regurgitated here for the record …

The pond has been more Freudian than usual of late - though it's arguable the mind of Polonius would defeat Sherlock Holmes, let alone a shrink - but here's another typical wrinkle, a lawyer so imbued with so much hate, fear and loathing of lawyers that you wonder if some cruel prankster joking about "first kill all the lawyers" made her go loony in her youth.

Self-hatred makes it into its own wiki listing here …

Self-hatred is a pejorative characterization of persons who are judged to hold members of their apparent identity group to a higher standard of behavior than those not in that social group.

The pond could go on dabbling, as here …

You are miserable and you know it’s someone’s fault, but you have no idea that it’s you who oppresses you. Therapists are enraging because they talk about conflict resolution when you think what’s needed is a revolution. When therapists tell you to modulate the anger that is wrecking your life, you hear an aristocrat telling the poor to be patient.

It's clear enough what's prompted Dame Slap's anger. Canadians and lawyers, lawyers and Canadians, do gooders and other riff raff who don't have the boondoggle of making a motza laying out all that anger for the delectation of lizard Oz readers ...

The funny thing - apart from all this blather about Canadians - is the way that Dame Slap seems to put her trust in politicians.

Truth to tell, the pond has never had much time for pollies, and if it came to the crunch, the pond would probably find the Canadian culture and lifestyle a little more relaxing than the United States, at least before freezing to death, or nodding off from boredom …

Still, if you want excitement and entertainment, you can always find conflict and guns south of the border, down Washington way …

It's when Dame Slap gets to blathering about a court assuming the role of philosopher king that the pond wonders what happened to the MAGA hat she donned, as she swanned out into the night in New York to celebrate the arrival of the Donald …

Have the Canadians managed to produce anything approaching the assorted current disasters in the American political system?

Apparently so ...

When ever anyone scribbles about the "will of the people", the pond reaches for its Glock, though probably a Luger should be the preferred weapon. As for "activist judges" - is anyone else as tired of the concept as the pond, which seems to work on the assumption that the only activism that motivates Brett Kavanaugh is cracking another tinnie ...

"The will of the people" is one of those mystical terms that only a majority of politicians who stay in line with Dame Slap's thinking are apparently able to channel and enact ...

"There is a reason the Americans call it an end-run around democracy …"?

If you want to read a transcript of the American Bill of Rights, it's here with assorted other documents…

It's no big deal, it's no biggie, lots of countries have bills of rights, and some of the more comical countries, of the Chinese kind, have constitutions which guarantee political rights, while the Philippines' Bill of Rights mandates that people can be gunned down in cold blood if they look the wrong way, and irritate the President …

In all this, Canada seems a mild case, and not the cause for Dame Slap's usual ranting hysteria, and bilious spleen …

But the pond realises it's all psychological, and any Bill of Rights can be over-ridden by decent ratings and a good show …

By the end of it all, the pond began to feel a deep sympathy for Canada … and remember that talk of New Zealunders dodging a bullet?

In your dreams, Kiwis, you're just as bad as Canadians. You really need to get MNZGA going if you want to redeem yourselves in Dame Slap's eyes ...

As for the "will of the people", as surveyed here …

Still, mustn't agitate the fundamentalist tykes and Opus Dei types that litter the pages of the Catholic Boys' (and occasionally Girls if they know their place) Daily ...

And with that, here, have another cartoon, and celebrate what a Bill of Rights can do for you …

In which the pond reverts to prattling Polonius for its meditation on bizarre psychological conditions ...

More here, but what else? Well, surely ...

• Compulsive, obsessive reading of the reptiles
• Compulsive, obsessive watching of the ABC.

The pond will admit to the first, but the good thing about OCD is that it's containable and controllable. 

The pond, for example, has largely left the ABC alone for the last few months. It's clearly what they want - their programming indicates that they have no interest in encouraging people to stay indoors and watch television or listen to the radio. They should be outdoors enjoying the summer, or out fighting bush fires and fainting in the heat …

But what of prattling Polonius? Yes, this has been an elaborate way to introduce Polonius and his advanced case of OCD in relation to the ABC, which shows no signs of abating in the first months of 2020 …just check out the reptile splash for him, and his latest two outings ...

What is it like to develop an obsession about an organisation you hate and revile deep in your bones, in your churning bowels, yet such is the depth and extent of your fear and loathing, you must watch it all the time, to make sure that any fault can be detailed at length, and in obsessive detail?

Truly, it's not the pond's area for expertise. It's for people with training in the area to make a professional assessment, and here the pond must rule out Bettina Arndt. 

Lordy, lordy, did she cop a comprehensive smack down from New Matilda here, or what?

EXCLUSIVE: For many years, Bettina Arndt has been passed off by the Australian media as a “psychologist” and “clinical psychologist”. More recently, she’s been credited as “Dr Arndt” – in The Australian newspaper, and in federal parliament. But a long-running New Matilda investigation has discovered that Ms Arndt is not a doctor, has never obtained a PhD and nor, as it turns out, is she a psychologist or clinical psychologist.

Well there's more, much more at the link, and it helps explain why the lizard Oz still sticks with her be-medalled fraudulence, but that sort of epic fraudster certainly isn't going to be able to help the pond tackle Polonius's problem, as he prattles on endlessly about the ABC …

Of course the pond has regularly observed that the Sydney Institute itself lurks at 47 Phillips Street in the heart of the CBD, and Polonius himself has rarely given a sign that he's travelled any further west than Chippendale or Broadway, but I suppose when you spend all your time watching the ABC, you don't have time for much by way of international travel to lands as far west as Blacktown … (but by golly there's a good Afghani restaurant there, and when in Fairfield, please try to the lamb speciality of the house at the Al-Dhiaffah Al-Iraqi restaurant) …

Never mind, we're doing field work for a case study of an obsessive form of mania, so all the pond really needs to do is present the prattler's gobbets ...

Hmm, it hardly seems worth talking to the IPA, a notorious climate denialist coal-loving body, especially when they tout shameless lies, but it's a condition of Polonius's syndrome that he is happy to mock people like himself, and embrace the lies, and of course, he's already to hand with that much loved reptile figure of 1.3%. Sssh, don't mention the coal or gas exports … and the mere mention of it reminds the pond of its own serious need for psychiatric help, since the pond has mentioned all this as many times as Polonius has spent years, eyes glazed, in front of the TV screen, in a tormented, hellish condition…

An artist's impression of Polonius doing his ABC research.

But here's the thing. What would happen if the Polonial dog caught the ABC doing something he approved of? He wouldn't know what to do with it, it might well precipitate a nervous breakdown, so perforce the pond must encourage the ABC to keep on doing the things that keep Polonius fixated, and endlessly irritated … 

You have to ruin the mind to save the mind ...

Uh huh, no doubt reptile devotees will shortly see Polonius out the Al-Dhiaffah Al-Iraqi, mingling with the common folk, and listening to their concerns …

Meanwhile, shouldn't he be happy that the ABC routinely recirculates the reptiles' talking points, thereby giving them some air, a really handy service given the reptiles' pathetic circulation, minuscule in a country of 24.6 million (you have to use 'readership' rather than 'copies sold' to get it above the 300k mark Monday to Friday here).

And so to that other triptych from yesterday, and a little unfinished business by the pond ...

Now the pond has already covered the dog botherer, and refuses to indulge Bjorn, because the pond simply won't cop Bjorn's denialism, but as noted yesterday, the pond was entranced by Peter Jennings' call to arms, and by the headline announcing we're at war with nature, so it only seemed fair dibs to run the whole damn thing ...

A long-term rend for the continent to become hotter and dryer? Why that verges on heresy, but it's clear enough that if nature is going to bung on that sort of do, the only proper response is to take out nature …take Her out hard, like a Terminator sequel set to expire by dint of mindless repetition ...

The pond thought putting the nation on a war footing was a good fit for the Donald, what with his war on everything and everybody, and the proper response in his case, which was to revert to a revered monarchy …

So what we need is federal action on a war footing, perhaps with a federal monarchical system in control ...

Yes, but a few orders from the top should quickly bring people into line, and keep those volunteers volunteering for free …

The Donald has also shown the way with a special command force, and with some pretty nifty badges to back it up ...

Just the sort of thing we need, a SOC so we can sock it to nature …

Surely these are simple questions, involving simple answers …

But back to the war on nature …

And that's why in the end, the pond felt the need to mock Jennings. "… to reduce and mitigate disasters once they hit"?

Yes, but what about attempting to reduce and mitigate disasters before they hit? What about climate science? What about the lizard Oz, riddled with Bjorns and climate science denialists? What about the woods, as well as a military branch and assorted leaves?

It's just more distraction, more befuddlement, the sort of gung ho 'yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir' stuff that once was the bane of the pond's life, with everything treated with military precision, and yet not the first clue who or why we were out in the field, bunging on a do.

A war with nature? Completely clueless, and okay, Jennings might have not put that header on his piece, it might have been a useless sub, but it's a fair summary of where he then promptly headed, off pumping up the military, and with nary a thought about other matters ...

And so we come to the new line … it's a combat mission, we're combatting a threat, it's only going to get more severe, and we should flinch at spending money on what might be causing the threat, and do a bare minimum by way of alternative responses - alternative energy supplies, renewables, cutting back on coal and gas reliance, working with rather than against nature, urging other countries to match our tireless efforts - because fudging the figures, resilience and adaptation is the new normal, and everyone must do their duty …

Meanwhile, as the reptiles blather about China, Canada, New Zealand, India, Europe - anywhere but here - they fawn and pander to the climate denialist in chief … and all the pond can think is how tired it is of watching the same old storyline play out, as bad as the re-runs the ABC foisted on Polonius over the summer holydays …

In which it's back to business, with nattering "Ned" and the dog botherer ready to wage war on nature, and whatever else you've got ...

The pond usually holds the immortal Rowe back, down the bottom, but he's always to be found here, and today being 1st February, the January holyday season is officially over, and the reptiles are rampant once again …

Only the bromancer is missing from the first eleven for the moment, but no matter, because nattering "Ned" has returned to bore completely shitless everyone and anyone innocently passing by, and is there any better way to introduce "Ned" than to lead with a gaseous Rowe? 

The arch bloviator and mind-numbing bore started quietly at the top of the digital page …

 

But the pond knew at once, after it was immediately tempted to click, that it had hit the jackpot, the mother lode of tedium, when the reptiles blessed this "Ned" natter with a hugely, bigly Lobbecke ...

He's holding the world in his hands and he's using a garden hose, and long forgotten is the thing he once held in his hand with trembling awe and delight in the font of Australian democracy …

Alas and alack, those days are gone, and now it's fossil gas that must set the pace, and if there's a better form of fossilised gas than nattering "Ned", the pond and the reptiles can't imagine it ...

The pond must apologise. There is too much "Ned" to comment on, though the pond does appreciate the comments below the fold by those heroic souls who wade through the tedious political calculations to pick out a nugget of reptile stupidity …

And the pond's cartoons are in short supply, rather like a cool day and rain in the current plague of bushfires …

Well yes, and there's more Wilcox here, but the prolix tedious bore down from the attic has only just got started … 

Why, the pond has had to revert to small print gobbets just to contain things a little ...

Mmm, rhetorical questions. The pond can play that game. Does anyone believe that the climate science denialist reptiles have really changed their spots? Does anyone ever tire of the 1.3% mantra, while at the same time, refusing to count in the emissions to be derived from the export of coal and gas around the world?

Well there's a lot of tedious fact checking going down at Crikey, reprinting an ABC/RMIT fact check here, but suffice to say, however you calculate it, we do much better than 1.3% if you include exports …

But just as the reptiles have floated 1.3% a zillion times, the pond has added the corollary and yet there's never been any thought of a change, because once you've recited the mass once, you might as well keep on with the Angus Dei for all eternity …

Why would the reptiles bother to change, and consider such issues in a meaningful way? A token gradualism, spiced with saucy doubts and fears, is all that's needed.

After all, we've gone from outright climate science denialism to grudging acceptance that the weather is changing, as the weather has always done, and all that's needed is a few practical solutions, like burning down the entire country in order to save it, as once was done for Vietnamese villages, and all will be well ...

Yes, it's the fault of everybody else. We know that, we know it's nothing to do with Australia, and there's certainly no leadership role down under. Let California suffer its fires, but don't expect SloMo to do anything more than murmur a few thoughts and prayers.

Of course those reptile chants celebrating clean dinkum Oz coal might seem a tad unfortunate in retrospect, but how were the reptiles to know? It's not like they ever actually listened to any climate science, which it turns out, only became available in the last six months, and so we must turn to non-existent technology for a solution, because … well, because delay, befuddle and bewilder still remain the most useful tactics for when the reptiles must cry out for beloved coal … (and gas) …

And so to the biggest joke of all, the notion that Scotty from marketing must purge the anti-renewable mob in his midst … as if the reptiles would suddenly turn around and purge all the denialists and anti-renewable loons in their midst ...

Ah, so that's how the game is played. It's wrong to call Scotty from marketing a denier, even though he has been, because all that does is stop him from developing a different form of fossil fuel as the solution …

Truth to tell, whenever the pond reads "Ned" its brain begins to hurt and it's soon reduced to a sullen numbness, but at least that allows the pond to keep pounding its noggin with a piece of "Ned"-approved 2 be 4 …or a gaseous 5 if you will ...

Now there's a comforting thought. If there are fewer fires next summer, all will be well …

Oh dear, the pond is running short on Wilcox, but at least that gets us to the last, mercifully short gobbet of Ned ...

And now because the pond is a glutton for punishment, and was astonished a reader had never donned the cilice, which the pond suggests is essential clobber for the Catholic Boys'Daily, and must be worn during any reading of the reptiles, there's surely room for just more more after-dinner mint, and what a banquet there was to choose from at the top of the commentary section ...

The pond could immediately overlook Bjorn.

We don't need no stinking furriners coming in here, telling us how to do climate science denialism. For too long the reptiles have relied on Bjorn, and the pond, growing tired of him, banned him long ago …

We must turn, in these nativist times, to our native experts for a burst of insanity, and by golly, Peter Jennings  delivered a good headline ...

Yes, fuck it, we're at war with nature. Let's turn on it, all guns blazing, burn it, bomb it, wreck it. Heck, if the war doesn't go that well, there's a good case for bringing out the nukes and nuking nature to teach it a lesson …

It was great stuff, an echo of "Ned's" blather about the ADF, but when all things were considered, and Ukraine was located near Bangladesh, how could the pond fail to recognise the dog botherer's invaluable ongoing contribution?

He's indefatigable, he's a little energiser bunny of denialism, and how the reptiles love this noble warrior, always ready to go to war with those lacking his intense theological faith … including nature if She gets uppity and difficult …

Strangely though, the pond noted a certain muting of the denialism, a certain softening, and a lot of blather about SloMo being on the case, as the dog botherer shifted from combative field warrior to sensible strategic deep thinker (oh, it worked so well for Iraq, that deep thinking).

Oh dear, starting off with a rant about social media? Was it only yesterday that the pond pointed out a reptile dilemma?

Please, reptiles, get up to speed. The dog botherer should have started with "social media is great, and I am in the climate science denialist bubble with the Donald, and things look mighty fine from here", rather than blathering about "sensible things" and seizing on Peter Hartcher as the problem … as if somehow Hartcher, a doofus himself, was responsible for Scotty from marketing being a remarkable doofus all on his own, utilising his own doofus skills, and infinite capacity for mis-steps and for doofus policy responses ...

Indeed, indeed, it's a total disaster that the federal government might assume any responsibility for bushfires, when as everyone knows, it's all a matter of personal responsibility …

And there's simply no point in discussing climate science, because deep down, everyone in reptile la la land knows the onion muncher was right to call it complete crap … or bullshit, or whatever …

Still, there's no denying it's a difficult time for the reptiles, what with those dreadful greenies out and about, with their terrible signs …

And meanwhile, it turns out that rorting is just a classic case of politics as usual … because rorting is what everyone does …

Fine words from the rorter at the heart of the utegate affair … (not to mention a proud minor war criminal who played his part in fucking Iraq).

Indeed, indeed, and what was that which nattering "Ned" nattered about, the way that the left-right divide hampered exciting policy initiatives?

But that's the way it goes in reptile la la land. Stupidity, inconsistency, and a routine diet of follies, while the country burns, and the planet is slowly, but ever more comprehensively, fucked …

Well the pond's brain is also now fucked, thanks to "Ned" and the dog botherer, and what a relief to arrive at the final gobbet … and what do you know, it begins with the dog botherer jerking his own and other reptile chains, wanking on about the wonders of the lizard Oz, masturbating in public, and possibly growing hairs on his palms as a result.

Stop watching Cats, the pond is tired of all this ejaculating furry nonsense about the glories and wonders of the lizard Oz and its "evidence and accurate assessments", as if cluelessness had suddenly left the 'leet Surry Hills HQ for a world class coffee from the best baristas on the planet ...

Uh huh. The dog botherer still knows how to do undiluted hagiography, though the tone has shifted from watching Cats to humping the leg of SloMo like a dog botherer on doggie heat …

Sheesh, and after all that, all the pond can offer in compensation is a cartoon which distils down the essence of the scribbling into a digestible image …