Senator Guy Barnett, and gentlemen readers, charge your glasses to toast a little shocking full frontal nudity ...

(Above: Chloe posing at Young and Jacksons in Melbourne. Time to burn the pub to the ground?)

(Above: another full frontal abomination by Jules Joseph Lefebvre, found here. Time to seize his paintings and sell them off to the pornographers beavering away in the United States?)

(Above: dammit, yet another perverted image held in Melbourne. Are all Victorians filthy minded? Should the state be wiped from the map? This time it's La Cigale by Lefebvre).

Gratifyingly sensible suggestions and proposals are being made to the Senate inquiry into the film and literature classification scheme, as outlined in Warning: this art debate many contain adult themes.

The Senate inquiry, launched by the conservative Christian Guy Barnett, has heard submissions calling for any film containing full frontal nudity to be refused classification; artworks and books showing nudity to be classified; and all artworks to be restricted to certain age groups. ''Artistic merit'' should be abandoned when classifying art.

Sadly, in the view of the censorious who litter the pond with their squawking, it has to asked whether this goes far enough.

In a post-modernist, relativist world, artistic merit is a meaningless concept, and it's grand to see Christians so advanced in their thinking, but if we abandon merit, and use strict age group restrictions, will it be possible at last to end the comics industry, which surely is the reason western civilisation has these past fifty years descended into barbarity?

And why so timid when it comes to limiting a full frontal nudity ban to films? Surely there's a solid case for abandoning any and all full frontal nudity.

Now this might have unforeseen consequences, since at some point or another, even if only to have a shower or a bath, people have to display full frontal nudity, but there is a simple solution.

Ban people. This is likely to put an end to all unseemly displays of full frontal nudity. Most artists can't paint without cheating and using a photo, and what would photographers have to film if we all took a bath hidden under cheesecloth.

The alternative is painful, but it also has to be considered. Genocide. Wipe out the full frontal nudity human race, and be done with it.

Perhaps we can start small, by smashing and burning down the Melbourne pub that houses Chloe, which has, in a perverted Victorian way, made more than a few bucks out of her image over the years.

But why stop there? Then we really must move on to the Vatican - home of the anti-Christ, after all - and smash and destroy the Sistine chapel, before running rampant through the marble-clad hallways like a flock of Red Guardists.

Have you seen the nudity lurking in the place, which the odd fig leaf does nothing to soften?

The pond is always fond of quoting Adolf Hitler in Mein Kampf on the subject of pornography:

The fight against pollution of the mind must be waged simultaneously with the training of the body. To-day the whole of our public life may be compared to a hot-house for the forced growth of sexual notions and incitements. A glance at the bill-of-fare provided by our cinemas, playhouses, and theatres suffices to prove that this is not the right food, especially for our young people. Hoardings and advertisements kiosks combine to attract the public in the most vulgar manner. Anyone who has not altogether lost contact with adolescent yearnings will realize that all this must have very grave consequences. This seductive and sensuous atmosphere puts notions into the heads of our youth which, at their age, ought still to be unknown to them. Unfortunately, the results of this kind of education can best be seen in our contemporary youth who are prematurely grown up and therefore old before their time. The law courts from time to time throw a distressing light on the spiritual life of our 14- and 15-year old children. Who, therefore, will be surprised to learn that venereal disease claims its victims at this age? And is it not a frightful shame to see the number of physically weak and intellectually spoiled young men who have been introduced to the mysteries of marriage by the whores of the big cities?

No; those who want seriously to combat prostitution must first of all assist in removing the spiritual conditions on which it thrives.

Let's face it. The pollution of the mind always begins with the arts and artists - cue the Weimar Republic - and surely the time has come for a united front.

Isn't it moment right for conservative Christians to invite conservative Islamics to join with them in a campaign to ban all full frontal nudity? Especially the Taliban, who are known to take a stern stand.

If this alliance was to be turned into a united front with neo-Nazis mindful of Hitler's insights, then surely an epic effort can be mounted to reduce the amount of pornography in the world. And along with it, any and all full frontal nudity.

Book burning is always a good first step, but then burning down the pagan temples of artists - sometimes known as galleries to the derelict and the wayward - is surely also needed. And why stop there? Why not shut down the internet? Turn its graven images into digital dust ...

In times past, young lads were strapped to the bed to stop them doing awful things to themselves, as shown in Michael Haneke's The White Ribbon, suggesting that the introduction of shame into the lives of children is tremendously productive and psychologically rewarding, and may indeed help produce the extremely worthwhile insights of der beloved Führer.

But what's really needed is a war against humanity. In this context, a burqa or chadri simply isn't good enough, though the Taliban did show the way in Afghanistan, and fundie Islamics around the world are always willing to remind us of the evil inherent in women (too much fresh meat, and not of the kind useful to moggies).

Worthy thinking, Talibanish Islamcis, but ultimately no cigar. We really must look to Hitler, who did so much to stamp out full frontal nudity, even if the confiscation, looting and hoarding of artworks might at face value seem a tad contradictory up against his excellent work in the killing fields ...

It seems the Australian Christian Lobby is cutting to the heart of the chase, and rebutting all the arguments of sinister coffee-sipping liberals, and right wing libertarians:

''Arguments against tighter classification measures and using technology will be mounted from the extreme left and the extreme right of politics,'' he (Lyle Gavin) told the inquiry. ''On the right, the nanny state argument will be applied against tougher measures and the use of filtering technology. On the left, it will be argued that adults should be able to see whatever they want, even claiming photos of naked children have artistic merit.'' The committee is to report by June 30.

Shocking. Artistic merit in naked children?

All I see is blasphemy and sinfulness or at least a future likely to be saturated in sinfulness. Perhaps even swimming nude on sheltered beaches, or what's not better, deploying a shameful bikini at Bondi and inflaming the passions of sinful men. Unless of course it's the sinful men using budgie smugglers to inflame sensuous depravity and thoughts of apples. At last a Christian campaign to ban Tony Abbott for his frontal hairy dress sense, if not his policies, might get underway ...

But should we just draw the line at photos of naked children?

What about paintings?

We append a painting below which some might think should be burnt on the spot, involving as it does a naked mother and a naked child.

It reminds us that the real problem is the human body itself, and its nakedness and the revulsion it causes. As any natural person feels when watching a naked vampiric bub devour a mother's breast ...

If the body's the curse, what's the solution?

Stout hearted souls can try lashing the vile body (best done until bleeding is produced), or wearing a cilice to punish the unclean vessel (best done until bleeding is produced), or if ambitious, how about a crucifixion?

But if all else fails, why not jump off a cliff, and so help reduce the numbers in the human race, and thereby make the ultimate genocide that little bit easier ...

Christians, to the cliffs, and do your duty to minimise the amount of full frontal nudity.

(Below: The Virgin Nursing the Christ Child, from the studio of Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640). Way too much nudity of the frontal kind Mr. Rubens!

Below: an offensive image from the walls of the Vatican. Steps must be taken! Where's that damned fig leaf when you need one or three? Oh heck, let's just loot the Vatican, seize all its goodies, then build from it a temple to genuine wowserism, just like the Vatican architects did when they used all that pagan Roman marble in its construction. So that's why the spirit of pagans lurks within its walls).

Oh okay, I'll 'fess up.

I only ran the story so I could put up some nude pictures in the vain hope of boosting the hits to the site. Or pleasing gentlemen readers (it's a stretch to call Lefebvre pleasing to art lovers, NGV).

Meanwhile, we look forward to Senator Barnett's report, and to the banning of this kind of perverted, insidious activity around the world.

Or at least to the classification of anything and everything, especially everything that affects bee in bonnet fundie Christians and Islamics.

"Make work for bureaucrats" committee, take note, your real friend is the Liberal party, and especially the oddball Senator who represents Tasmania, always standing by, ready to receive a Christian Values Institute Award ...

The upside? It seems the good Senator's term of service in the Senate will expire 30th June 2011, thereby helping reduce the chance of any full frontal nudity in the parliamentary showers ...