(Above: breaking news. The Oz tackles the Greens, while offering advice to young urban professionals about flirting, handshakes, and the best ties to wear with purple shirts - make sure it's never a green shirt or tie. Dennis Shanahan swears by this advice. No embedded links, it's a screen cap).At last it's official.
Greens are not true Australians, and don't share the values of every day Australians, nor even the values of every week, every month or every year Australians, are incapable of doing the right thing, day after day, or week after week, and don't know how to lead purposeful or dignified lives. Perhaps this explains their tendency to hug trees like Tolkein, a notorious tree hugger of the bark-embracing kind.
It should go without saying, but let's say it any way, QED, these greenies are incapable of being driven by love of family or nation.
In fact it explains why every greenie I meet strikes me as a cross between Lex Luthor, the Joker, Saber tooth, and the Green Goblin (though others might argue for Venom).
How did we learn this deep innate truth? Well as everybody and his or her dog, of whatever gender and mating inclination has already noted, in her epic Gough Whitlam oration, Julia Gillard, the prime minister of all Australians, revealed all:
... the Greens will never embrace Labor’s delight at sharing the values of every day Australians, in our cities, suburbs, towns and bush, who day after day do the right thing, leading purposeful and dignified lives, driven by love of family and nation.
Phew, glad that's sorted. The prime monsterer of the greenies has spoken.
True, we wouldn't want to be demonising Australians, but if Bob Brown's one time friend can explain that he's actually completely lacking in purpose and dignity, it must be true. Even true dat ...
You can catch Gillard's Gough Whitlam Oration on the web at various places, but no links because we worry if a stray greenie passed by and logged in, it might destroy their self-esteem.
Be warned greenies. If you take a squizz at Gillard explaining your loveless, purposeless, undignified lives, your horns will drop off and you'll feel like you've eaten too much garlic, been hit by a wooden stake in the heart or a silver bullet, or both, and been doused in holy water while staring at a mirror or a crucifix.
Still, at least it saves you reading a Murdoch publication. Just call on the PM for a full dose of irradiated fear and loathing ...
Naturally the anonymous editorialist at The Australian is wildly excited. After all, it was not so long ago that the Anon Edit announced:
... Greens leader Bob Brown has accused The Australian of trying to wreck the alliance between the Greens and Labor. We wear Senator Brown's criticism with pride. We believe he and his Green colleagues are hypocrites; that they are bad for the nation; and that they should be destroyed at the ballot box. (here)
Yes destroy them utterly. Show no mercy, route and exterminate them. Exterminate ... exterminate.
Settle daleks. Get around behind.
So where have we reached, Anon Edit, scourge of anon blogs?
Yep, The Australian intends to destroy the Greens, but the Weekend Australian only continues to scrutinise them?
Hmm, time perhaps for a logical conundrum. According to Tony Abbott, the current falling out between Ms Gillard and Mr Brown is just a pretend lover's tiff.
Opposition Leader Tony Abbott described the row as ''just a fake fight, a phoney lovers' tiff'', questioning Ms Gillard's attack. ''If they're so extreme why did she form a government with them?'' (here)
Which seems to suggest that the Greens are not extreme at all ... because Gillard is a conservative, and would never dally with extremists.
And we have living proof Gillard is a conservative, because, along with heartening the Anon Edit, she's blissfully in step with fundamentalist Christians of the kind represented by Jim Wallace:
The PM won support for her attack from the Australian Christian Lobby, whose managing director, Jim Wallace, said she had done the nation a service ''by highlighting the extreme nature of the Greens' agenda, which is anti-family, anti-religious freedom and anti-economic growth''.
There, that should reassure the secularists within the Labor party, along with the Anon Edit, because if you have the Xians on side, you also must have god on your side.
Unless of course Gillard has dallied with extremists on a daily basis to stay in power ... And who are these dangerous extremists?
Why, as the anon Edit explains once again, look no further than the inner-city electorates with their prosperous young professionals.
Yes, if you know how to make a crust in the capitalist system, and become a prosperous young professional, you also, ipso facto, become a dangerous radical extremist, inclined to wine and coffee and completely lacking in mainstream Australian values.
BTW, as a public service, The Australian has in the very same edition, identified a couple of dangerous latte sipping inner urban cafe loving radicals of a prosperous-looking professional kind.
No names, no pack drill, but if you see these types in the street, refusing to drink Aussie water from a horse trough, like any decent dinkum rural person attuned to the old ways, report them to the thought police.
Perhaps this fear of coffee explains the Anon Edit's splendid vision of Australia, free of any greenie tinge:
Mainstream Australians have not been hiding; they still live in the suburbs, aspire to home ownership, a good education for their children and a country where a fair go permeates all aspects of life.
Deluded fools. They aspire to a good education for their children? What, so their kids can become obnoxious dangerously radical inner urban prosperous young Australians?
And what's this talk of a fair go?
That's a completely mysterious concept for their newly educated kids, ruined by leftist professors, accustomed to a life of tertiary student leisure, as the wretches aspire to become sophisticated tertiary educated elites who sip their coffees and laugh gaily, pretending that they're in Paris. Or Brisbane ...
Why the wretches probably worry about dog droppings and whether they should eat an extra chocolate easter egg:
Thankfully, hardly anyone listens these days to the progressive paragons preaching the revised, new age commandments with a fervour that would make Billy Graham blush. They are welcome to recycle everything but the kitchen sink, clean up their dogs' droppings and agonise over the morality of keeping a pet. The rest of us will be celebrating with traditional excess with family and friends. (Spare us the Christmas sermon)
Yes, give yourself a fair go. Get as pissed as a parrot with the Anon Edit.
It's the decent way for decent Australians to behave, and shows a wonderful dinkum rebellious streak, a defiant attitude to the nanny state. Much like any twelve year old boy rejecting subtitled arthouse movies, and the dangers of tertiary education and inner-city sophistication when there's a Sly Stallone movie to dig up and watch for the hundredth time.
Meanwhile, Dennis Shanahan proudly announces that the media have been asleep at the wheel when it comes to the Greens, in Gillard wakes up to long-term threat:
After relying on written undertakings with the Greens and rural independent MPs to form a government last year, the Prime Minister has become increasingly alert to the need to frame herself as a conservative, middle-road Australian than she is perceived to be. At the same time, she is distancing herself from the Greens, who find themselves facing real media scrutiny for the first time.
Real media scrutiny? For the first time?
What on earth have the Murdoch hacks been doing these last few years? Asleep at the bloody wheel again ...
They thought they were destroying the Greens, but they weren't even scrutinising them.
The reason's close at hand. There's Christopher Pearson taking time out in Keating tells it like it is for NSW Labor to sink the slipper into the fetid corpse of NSW Labor, now interred for a full week.
Pearson marching in step with Keating is a bizarre enough sight, and you're welcome to it, along with the stale news, but in the process, not once does Pearson mention the dangers of inner urban prosperous young professionals.
Old news about Bob Carr Mr Pearson, move along please, and be quick about it.
Thankfully the Anon Edit is now eternally vigilant:
This is also known as the big and little endian solution to politics, as explained by Jonathan Swift, who first gave us the concept of endianness, along with Lilliput and Blefuscu and the egg cutting controversy.
Given there is too much complexity in the world, there needs to be simplification of a binary kind. Either 1 or 0, either with us or against us, either for Manly or nothing, for Collingwood or for life, and whatever you do, don't stray into any policy complexities or ambitions, or dissent from the mainstream or the middle of the road.
Mark Twain had it right in his autobiography:
We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove. We have two opinions: one private, which we are afraid to express; and another one - the one we use - which we force ourselves to wear the please Mrs. Grundy, until habit makes us comfortable in it, and the custom of defending it presently makes us love it, adore it, and forget how pitifully we came by it.
Twain also had a few unkind words for the binary way of life, taking as his theme patriotism:
I said that no party held the privilege of dictating to me how I should vote. That if party loyalty was a form of patriotism, I was no patriot, and that I didn't think I was much of a patriot anyway, for oftener than otherwise what the general body of Americans regarded as the patriotic course was not in accordance with my views; that if there was any valuable difference between being an American and a monarchist it lay in the theory that the American could decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn't; whereas the king could dictate the monarchist's patriotism for him - a decision which was final and must be accepted by the victim; that in my belief I was the only person in the sixty millions - with Congress and the Administration back of the sixty million - who was privileged to construct my patriotism for me.
They said "Suppose the country is entering upon a war - where do you stand then? Do you arrogate to yourself the privilege of going your own way in the matter, in the face of the nation?"
"Yes," I said, "that is my position. If I thought it an unrighteous war I would say so. If I were invited to shoulder a musket in that cause and march under that flag, I would decline. I would not voluntarily march under this country's flag, nor any other, when it was my private judgment that the country was in the wrong. If the country obliged me to shoulder the musket I could not help myself, but I would never volunteer. To volunteer would be the act of a traitor to myself, and consequently traitor to my country. If I refused to volunteer, I should be called a traitor. The unanimous vote of the sixty millions, could not make me a traitor. I should still be a patriot, and, in my opinion, the only one in the whole country.
Excuse me Mr Twain, enough of that inner city twaddle. Ms Gillard and the Anon Edit at The Australian has spoken on the matter of conscience, and are ushering me back into line, and I must resume my dialectical binary chanting ... four legs good, two legs baaaad ...
... exterminate ... exterminate ... prosperous professionals ...
(Below: time for a few dalek cartoons. Any resemblance to inner urban young professionals is entirely coincidental).
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