In which the pond fancied getting out the Monaro to drive to Eden with Polonius, the bouffant one and Dame Slap ...

Some weeks the pond fears for Polonius's sanity; some weeks it fears for its own, because who knows what being continuously irradiated by Polonial conspiracy theories might do to the pond's immune system?

Of course the ABC might have junked the news bulletin for the stated reasons … that it's lost 20% of its audience over the last 4 years, and more listeners are listening on demand on the ABC Listen app (here), but the pond suspects that Polonius is mainly missing the fanfare, which is really a bastard version of the original one (blame Martin Armiger, and others, history here). Maybe Polonius should just play over and over again the original Majestic Fanfare, as available at the NFSA here …

The pond's father thought that there was a conspiracy when Russ Tyson was forced to give up ABC breakfast, while the pond thought the real conspiracy was to make sure that How Much is that Doggie in the Window? would still be playing on ABC radio in 2020 …

Personally, it's been some time since the pond listened to 2BL (or 2FC or 2SM). Say what? They changed the call sign? It must be a conspiracy to embarrass the Liberal party.

Never mind, times move on, and luckily, Polonius found something to distract himself from his bizarre anal retentive obsession with the ABC, though his new toy flung the pond into confusion …

There was Polonius playing it down and indulging in his usual history lesson, and there was the bouffant one puffing it up like a pneumatic bellwether tyre.

The trouble with this sort of column as prophecy is that it takes only a single sleep to make it seem like yesterday's sodden, oily, greasy, rats-with-wings-pecked fish and chip wrapping …

Was Polonius wise to downplay everything, and indulge in a history lesson? Or was the bouffant one on the bellwether money?

The pond doesn't much mind, it's just such a relief not to have Polonius explain how the canning of the ABC news bulletin led directly either to the downfall or the triumph of Scottie from marketing in Eden-Monaro ...

Oh sheesh, the pond should have known. If it's not the ABC bee in the Polonial bonnet, then it surely must be anti-Catholic sectarianism, you know the sort of sectarianism that persecuted the Catholic church for a few minor crimes against children when, as everyone knows, the ABC was rampant in its support for pedophiles in the 1970s, and everybody except Polonius has looked the other way ever since! And there's never one one conservative on the ABC forever, so there ...

The pond isn't sure that The Argus is the best or only starting point to take a look at Mahon's speech or circumstances - Trove is full of references here - lordy, lordy, did those cardigan-wearing librarians make that new look a pain to use - and the Irish Catholic tykes took it hard, in a way sure to agitate British imperialists …

Damn right too, but dammit, the pond got distracted from Polonius downplaying the outcome ...

And so with the result less significant than it may appear, the pond perforce turned to the bouffant one for his futuristic analysis ...

Polonius's brave words were still ringing in the pond's tinnitis-riddled ears:

The problem is that no one has any idea what the political and economic situation will look like at the next election scheduled for mid-2022 … (blame the states, those bloody states, and those bloody premiers) …Viewed in this light, the Eden-Monaro by-election is likely to be less important than currently appears to be the case. In which case, like Kalgoorlie a century ago, the result could be less significant than it may appear after the votes are counted.

Who could dispute that cogent analysis? Roll the bouffant one tape ...

Say what? Australia has an Independence Day? Or was the bouffant one just jonesing for a cartoon?

But the pond is trying to go cartoon free, and must press on with a cogent explanation of why Polonius and his analysis is just the work of a doddering old futtock, and the bouffant one was on the money ...

Phew, that amount of undiluted hagiography shows that the bouffant one is made of the right stuff, and might easily do time as a sewerage treatment plant, turning reptile crap into a celebration of SloMo life ...

Indeed, indeed, it's all for the good and in the best of all possible worlds, and the bushfires were just a minor blip, and the footy's back, so everything's tremendous, except for those bloody premiers mucking things about, and climate science just a distant reptile nightmare from the woke crowd …

How did that get in here? We're talking about a coal-led recovery, and a glorious future with a dear, much loved leader ...

Oh dear, what a hangover and a headache early the next day …

Why only yesterday there had been a noisy stomping around the reptile chambers …

An hour ago, or an eternity? And the bouffant one perforce quickly had to produce a slight change of tune …

Too close to call? But that wretch at 2BL had called it …

So Shanners had to to a hasty retro refit …

Wise to keep it short really, and admit that Polonius harking back to 1920 was a better ploy than having to scribble a late Independence Day note "no matter what the result" ...

Keen eyes will have noted that the reptiles had a Lomborg bout of denialism on standby just in case, because "no matter what the science" will never go out of reptile fashion … and they kept on flogging that book, though the pond refuses to take the bait …

What, no mention of religion?

And so, as a meditative Sunday bonus, to Dame Slap, hat first juxtaposed next to the nervous nelly reptiles worrying about the result ...

Sheesh, if only Shanners had read his own rag, but at least Dame Slap hasn't forgotten her IPA-inspired ABC-bashing duties.

Later in the day, she was marked down and displaced a little by the croc man and by white supremacy …

Good old Caroline, released from Strewth! so she could concentrate on a little white supremacy, but what's this talk of Hogan living in a climate of cancel culture? Is that a reference to being cancelled by a couple of wives and anyone who paid hard cash to see Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles or Almost an Angel?

And what's this talk of a renewable energy invention? Who said the planet was in peril? Isn't that a vast theologically inspired exaggeration by religious fanatics, what with their talk of the rapture?

Even worse, does means that the croc man is virtue signalling that he's politically correct? 

Dammit, they can take virtue signalling out of the story and try to bring in talk of the cancel culture, but the pond stays true to the old ways. As for that virtue signalling, politically correct invention, spoiler alert …

Uh huh, second thoughts,  cancel that, cancel the rambling croc man.

The planet's fucked, and all we have left is dinkum clean Oz coal, Lomborg and that weirdo convert shelling out his conversion for sweet cash in the paw … if only the pond hadn't paid to see the croc man in LA, it might have had the money to buy the denialist book.

After all that, the pond had learned its lesson, and knew there was only one bonus needed for a meditative Sunday.

There must be a quotient of at least one reptile a day bashing the ABC. Polonius might have done his duty on a Friday, but went back to 1920 on a Saturday. He could have explained that it was still all the ABC's fault, in a futuristic way (they ruined 1932 and every year since then), but he didn't, he failed, leaving the heavy lifting to Dame Slap.

And so the noble Dame dashed down from her school above the faraway tree to deliver a hectoring lecture about the ABC's very infinite* number of failings … (*ABC licensed) ...

Occasionally the pond wonders if all this harping about the ABC's many sins and thought crimes might actually help turn punters on to the ABC, just to see why the reptiles routinely drive themselves into paroxysms of fear and loathing … but begone heresy, come on down IPA propagandist ...

Indeed, indeed, and when Chairman Rupert spends his money, he makes damn sure he gets what he expected. The IPA in drag, no struggle at all. Well, not even in drag really …

It's usually around this time in the bashing that the pond's bloodlust begins to dissipate, and the pond begins to nod off, what with the sorry tale of Speersie being ruined by the ABC, a familiar enough story of a reptile led astray, and suddenly talking about Eden-Monaro election coverage on their 2BL, or whatever they call that goggle box thingie…

But back to the ranting Dame … (why doesn't she rant these days about the wonders of the Donald, and explain how climate science led to world government by the UN last Xmas?)

Actually, Colbert back in 2015 had some 19 or 20 people just working on his team as the writing staff …not to mention all the other people involved in its production. If you're trying to cover the media, you need a big staff, people to track clips and do research and fact-checking, and chances are, even then you'll stuff up on occasions (the famously over-staffed and fastidious New Yorker still manages a cock-up every now and then).

It's a measure of how clueless Fletcher is, and how undemanding Dame Slap is, as she works on the notion that you can throw something together with a bit of stocking, some barbed wire and a piece of four be two, and she'll be right.

She'll also likely be shit, of the kind you routinely see on Sky News which looks like it's produced in the Chairman's basement (or at least the little that the pond has seen of Sky News, since life is short, and a reptile fetish must have its limits).

What's really at work here is professional jealousy and resentment, a sense of missing out and a disgust at the rats in the ranks who jumped ship for a different life outside the Murdochian bubble …and so come the incessant, relentless, non-stop, never-ending, bitter cries for the ongoing persecution of the ABC ...

The pond actually looks and listens to very little on the ABC, but is pleased it's there, and is especially pleased that Media Watch is still there to piss off politicians and Dame Slap … it'd be worth a 100 million a year just for that pleasure …

Meanwhile, there's one last gobbet of outrage to go, and could it be any more piquant, with Dame Slap actually putting the words in the mouth of her ministerial sock puppet?

Wish fulfilment, in the way that the Donald sits down to watch the telly and then spouts out Fox talking points? Or will Fletch be reading and thinking, gosh darn it, if only I had that very unique* Dame Slap (*ABC licensed) way of looking at things, if only I'd spouted all the wise things she put in my mouth (coulda, woulda, shoulda Fletch)...

But will anyone expose the tedium of reading reptile rage about the ABC on a daily basis?

Luckily the results are now in. All that time wasted reading prattling Polonius and the bouffant one done and dusted, and 2020 just 1920 in drag, and the ABC to blame for everything, and only dear sweet dinkum clean Oz coal can save us from the croc man's perpetual motion invention.

But at least we can still enjoy the immortal Rowe for his evocation of the Eden of Monaro … with more immortal Rowe here ...

Ah, he's at it again, quoting Titian's The Fall of Man, when it's clear enough we're dealing with the fall of the bouffant one … or maybe, if the reptiles get really, really lucky, the ABC calling it wrong ...

In which the reptiles take on arduous missions, from tackling the virus to inducing ennui in Xi ...

Your reptile task today, should you accept it, is to downplay or justify or perhaps even celebrate the US response to the virus. All reptile rhetorical tricks are allowed …

Is there anyone better placed in the entire, vast, very infinite universe to listen to the tape, blow up their 8 track and accept the task than the bromancer?

A cautious beginning, a good ploy, a feint … look at the dire shape of the world as a form of distraction. Beautifully played, and now perhaps a snipe at comrade Dan before moving on to just mention the American situation, without going into awkward questions of who might be responsible for masks somehow becoming part of the culture wars …

Please, after that little visual interlude, bromancer, show off your rhetorical skills ...

The US thought it was over? Not really, it was the Donald that thought it was over … while bystanders and idle observers marvelled at the folly, and some even diligently recorded it ...

Even more denialism, including the very early outings, at WaPo in The more than 60 times Trump downplayed the coronavirus threat …

Now this is tricky, especially for defenders of the US performance, including the bromancer, but please, don't underestimate the skills that reptiles bring to such tasks ...

You see, it was Cuomo who presided over a disaster, and some of his policies contributed to the disaster, but a skilled reptile will stop there, and avoid many mention of the Donald and his valuable contributions …

And now on with more distractions, and feints and ploys … and wisely the bromancer will now do a pirouette and skip around all this, and Tulsa, and southern governors and their Donald-loving ways, and focus on the failings of comrade Dan ...

What considerations might those be? You see, it's a baited hook, designed to keep readers on the right path, and not distracted by other considerations … but there are many considerations worth considering ...

Please set aside those considerations that can be found elsewhere, and focus on the bromancer message ...

Uh huh, but what about our rights? Surely we must retain our Donald-given rights ...

And now, as justification of why the pond gave the job to the bromancer, the pond offers the dropkick loser dog botherer's feeble attempt to cover the same turf …

The dog botherer had to be marked down because he decided to use his own initiative and introduce a slavish dose of lickspittle hagiography into his work, and it was far too obvious …

Sniping at comrade Dan is an easy trick, but blathering on about the infinite wisdom and understanding of our fearless leader requires a level of skill that only a Tom Cruise flying high above the earth with Scientological wisdom might have mastered ...

So quickly and easily they forget the days when SloMo thought that going to the footy was the right response, and had to be shamed out of it, with the call for him to show a little leadership and foresight actually coming from a couple of state premiers with more of a clue …

That video's at the Graudian here ...

You see, if you lump together the British, the US and the Hong Kong governments  (how did Xi get into this?), no one will notice recent poll results, as here …

But a bigger issue for the pond was whether the dog botherer would manage to work in a mention of climate science, and those dastardly 'leets ...

It's a nice flourish, coming as it does from the carper in chief at the lizard Oz, but besides his failure to mention climate science and his very unique ability to stick his head up his own and SloMo's arse, the pond would rather heap praise on the public health officials, the medical system and the medical practitioners who took the virus seriously and saved the country from the reptiles, the likes of Killer Creighton, and the uncertain understanding of politicians slow to grasp the scale of the approaching viral hurricane … made all the worse by the reaction of the likes of Killer Creighton when we actually managed to dodge the bullets still spraying around the United Sates ...

And so to nattering "Ned", and here the pond must issue a health warning. This section is only for specialists, and anyone feeling a little weak at the knees already, thanks to the bromancer and dog botherer, should proceed no further. The pond disclaims any liability for mental or physical impairments suffered while slogging through "Ned" ...

But why the disclaimer? Well in his usual way, nattering "Ned" is determined to bore Xi into submission, and as a result, some readers will tend to fall by the wayside, as if they've been marching with Alec Guinness to build that bridge over the river Kwai … 

Only the bravest of the brave will summon up the sinews and endure ...

There's nothing like a good natter, while as the infallible Pope notes, blather really isn't where it's at …

Yes, the pond realises its responsibility and there will be cartoon stations along the way … because there's going to be a lot of blather, but not much deed or action to match the word, to the point where even "Ned" might feel compelled to take off the blinkers for a nanosecond ...

Indeed, indeed, and if we were thinking of the 1930s, might we confuse Singapore with Hong Kong? 

Or perhaps the gate of Heavenly Peace?

Never mind, watch how quickly things can be put in reverse. We're not really in competition with China, and even poor old rhetorical "Ned" is forced to note the gap between his rhetorical nattering and actual action ...

Around this point in a "Ned" piece, the pond usually begins to hallucinate … and that talk of an "ever-closer" US alliance served as a trigger for the pond to wander off …

Ah but it's not just dictator for life in Russia that our ally loves, he also loves freedom-loving China …

During a one-on-one meeting at the June 2019 Group of 20 summit in Japan, Xi complained to Trump about China critics in the United States. But Bolton writes in a book scheduled to be released next week that “Trump immediately assumed Xi meant the Democrats. Trump said approvingly that there was great hostility among the Democrats.
“He then, stunningly, turned the conversation to the coming U.S. presidential election, alluding to China’s economic capability to affect the ongoing campaigns, pleading with Xi to ensure he’d win,” Bolton writes. “He stressed the importance of farmers, and increased Chinese purchases of soybeans and wheat in the electoral outcome. I would print Trump’s exact words but the government’s prepublication review process has decided otherwise.”
At the same meeting, Xi also defended China’s construction of camps housing as many as 1 million Uighur Muslims in Xinjiang — and Trump signaled his approval. “According to our interpreter,” Bolton writes, “Trump said that Xi should go ahead with building the camps, which Trump thought was exactly the right thing to do.” (WaPo here)

But do go on, let's not bother to weave the likes of Erdogan into the sorry story …

Indeed, indeed, and those subs in 2050 will help us defeat the new alliance …

Well it wouldn't be "Ned" if he wasn't beset by saucy doubts and fears … but luckily along comes Scottie from marketing to calm him with a few wise words, derived it seems from studying the thoughts of Buzz Lightyear… never surrender!

Wouldn't it be better simply to follow the top strategic thinking of our US partners?

And so to the last gobbet, and thanks to "Ned's" word salad, which included plenty of sliced cucumber from SloMo, the pond began to think that we might be doomed … what with track about strategic transformations, while we lumber on getting submarines built, current technology delivered at vast blown out cost to do who knows what in 2050. It's times like these that the pond can see an upside in not being around to see it ...

Yes Hong Kongers, we have steadfastly looked at your situation, and we have expressed concerns, and we do hope you can live with that …why we might even talk of a token invitation for a lucky few to leave, provided it doesn't interfere with the sale of coal and iron ore, and anyway the two systems seem to be working well enough …

Never mind, it's July 4th, and so it's time to celebrate the world that the Murdochians have helped create …