When nattering "Ned" cries out, the pond must always listen to the siren song of tedium.
How else to maintain the pond's reputation as the most boring blog in the world?
Now it goes without saying that this sort of nonsense will not stand, this idle talk of renewables and consensus, and such like, as if climate science was real, and the planet might be in some peril …
"Ned", expert in this fake science, in much the same way as he's a dab hand at reading Tarot cards, knows his man, and his deep inner instincts, perhaps derived from speaking in tongues to imaginary friend, or dinkum clean virginal and pure Oz coal … (or is that too Catholic and imaginary?)
Frankly, talk of being driven by the science is anathema to the reptiles, because every reptile, deep in heart, knows that the science is fake and fraudulent, as fake and as fraudulent as the science surrounding the coronavirus ...
What a cunning fiend he is, how clever, how deceptive, how wise of "Ned" to be alarmed at the trickery and the bold effrontery that does without it. Surely we need to remember that targets based on fake science are just a con job, and the ploy must be resisted at all cost … why next thing you know cancer-inducing windmills will be decimating the population, and solar energy will be disrupting the grid, and howling zombies will be pounding on doors across the country ...
Indeed, indeed, let us avoid solutions altogether, because if the reptiles didn't have a love of dinkum clean Oz coal and climate science denialism, what would they have?
Thank the long absent lord there's still some sanity in the land, and the Hunter Valley might continue to look like the mountains of the moon …
Meanwhile, the reptiles seem to have dropped like a hot potato that story about a certain legal gentleman, though it's been great fun for cartoonists of the infallible Pope and immortal Rowe kind …
Ah, the onion muncher, he'll never leave our hearts and minds ...
Never mind, it being a traditional Thursday at the pond, it's time for a serve of the savvy Savva …
First please allow the savvy Savva to indulge in a little nostalgia, but certainly not of the Amalgamated Brotherhood kind, more a lyrical yearning for good old Petey boy ...
What's the point of this nostalgia and glorification of Petey boy, when let's face it, Petey boy at the crucial moment, didn't have the ticker?
Hold steady, because Savva is building up to the main game, yet another bit of sniping, undermining and hints of a possible wrecking ...
By golly that's harsh. That joke about roads was one of Scotty's great comedy stylings. It even reached the UK's The Independent as an example of superb political humour …
“Women from the Yass Valley are currently forced to travel an hour to Canberra or Goulbourn to give birth. As a result, a number of women have been forced to give birth on the side of the Barton Highway. Does the Prime Minister agree that this is unacceptable?” she asked.
The Prime Minister shuffled his notes, and rose in reply, a satisfied smile on his face. Was he going to announce a new maternity service? A plan?
“Well, I’m pleased to let the member know that that’s why we’ve committed $150 million to upgrade the Barton Highway…” he started with a sly smile, to chortles from the right. (here)
There's something inherently funny about women giving birth on an upgraded road, and the chance of dying just gives the comedy styling a little edge. But will the savvy Savva give this master comedian his fair due?
The pond hates to say it, but what a silly savvy Savva. Surely it must be business as usual, with coal leading the way, a decent bout of climate denialism, punishing the bludgers for expecting more than gruel if they refuse to work, perfecting the robotic hunting out of miscreants, and devising new ways to reward the rich and punish the poor … so it's been, so it ever will be …
And so to a genuine comedy item, and here the pond had a couple of choices. Killer Creighton, having done his duty locally, turned his attention to the killing fields elsewhere…
Now our Killer didn't go the full Bolsonaro …
… but the pond had to commend him for the casual way he tossed aside a few corpses with a flourish, in that "apart from the 480,000 people who've died" …
Yes, apart from being dead, a blessed relief, it's the living who are having a hard time of it …
And with that admirable sentiment covered, it was time to turn to Dame Groan …
But why Dame Groan? Well, as well as being expert in numeracy, she's a whiz at epidemiology and climate science …
But the pond regularly reads mind-numbing pages of ill-informed, tendentious bilge from sundry reptiles, not least Dame Groan herself …
Recognising this shaky start, the reptiles immediately tried to bolster our Groan with an impressive collection of data ...
By golly, the reptiles have access to World Statistics!
And with that, Dame Groan was off ...
Great stuff. Puzzles and mysteries, and like a rocket, the ghost of Donald Rumsfeld roared into view, clanking chains and mumbling about unknowable unknowables, though it seemed to the pond that it was possible to know a few things, say about the US response …
But here's where Dame Groan delivers the killer blow ...
Yes, don't think Dame Groan's out the back cranking the handle on her computer with masses of wildly inaccurate data …(here)
The pond loves that one, almost as much as SloMo's "why did the chicken lay an egg on the side of the road?" "Because there were too many potholes in the middle …"
And it puts Dame Groan in the perfect position to slag off climate scientists and other specialists, scribbling away for a dollar a word and personal fame and notoriety …
Sadly, the pond can't offer a prize for the beast slouching towards Bethlehem and terrifying Dame Groan … the illustration was too predictable … because when in doubt, the reptiles will always reach for their bête noire, the beastly black Swan ...
But surely then entire point of projecting the worst case scenario is a handy step towards producing a best case scenario?
It grieves me to say it, but thanks to SloMo being prodded by assorted state premiers, Australia managed to do relatively well, especially up against Dame Groan's apparently preferred model …
Never mind, Dame Groan, for all her apparent expertise, is suddenly filled to overflowing with saucy doubts and fears, and bewildered questions, such that the reptiles felt the need to provide more answers, in the form of a graph ...
As an alleged number crunching economist, Dame Groan has a role to play in this context, and yet the reptiles feel it's more important to tell us how long the virus might last on assorted surfaces?
It's weird stuff, and the pond senses that it was because Dame Groan was out of her depth and struggling to get out a decent column, despite the need to do a Dickens and score that dollar a word … (why not a penny?), and blather a little bit more about how the virus was a mystery rather than a puzzle, as nonsensical a distinction as any reptile has managed this past week ...
Sadly, it was only too obvious what Dame Groan had wanted to do. She wanted to do a Killer Creighton, and get everybody back to work tomorrow, and abolish all talk of a cautious approach or a rebound or spike or such like, but just as she was getting warmed up to the task, she had to throw in a mealy-mouthed billy goat butt: "This doesn't mean all the measures have been wrong …"
But why err on the side of caution? Why not let all the old farts at the lizard Oz die off so that the young might inherit the earth? Shouldn't Dame Groan show how she's at one with the notion by tossing off her mask, refusing hand sanitizer, laughing at social distancing, and doing a Father Damien and hugging an infected person?
As for that talk about the fable about the boy who cried wolf, does Dame Groan have access to the intertubes? Is she connected to the real world, and what's been happening there? Or perhaps she is.
Perhaps that's why she didn't mention Sweden, briefly a favourite with the reptiles before things got ugly …
Perhaps that's why she didn't mention the United States as an example of the snake oil-selling narcissist boy who cried wolf ...
Oh dear, the moment a Donald cartoon turns up, the pond feels the urge as a closer to get rid of a bunch of them, topping it all off with an infallible Pope …
Hi Dorothy,
ReplyDelete“A bit of humility on the part of the scientists also wouldn’t go astray. They also might care to re-read the fall about the boy who cried wolf.”
I was suddenly reminded of the ancient tale of the Epidemiologist, the Climate Scientist and the Contributing Economics Editor who shared three adjoining and identical offices at some virtue-signalling university.
One day due to a common electrical wiring fault the contents of the waste paper baskets in each office were set alight.
The Epidemiologist on perceiving the conflagration uttered a cry of alarm and so worried about the possibility of imminent loss of life, ran to the bathroom filled a bucket to the brim with water, raced back to the office and flung the water on the fire extinguishing it completely and soaking the carpet.
The Climate Scientist on noticing the smoke and flames emanating from his waste paper basket set about making a number of observations and measurements, noting the weight of the contents in the bin, the height of the flames and the heat emitted. He then set about creating as detailed a model of the fire as possible by cranking the handle of the computer with masses of data. Once satisfied as to the amount of thermal energy that was being produced, The Climate Scientist procured a measuring cylinder and filled it with an exact amount of water. So armed the Climate Scientist returned to the office and began pouring the water onto the flames. The blaze began to recede and with the final drop of water the fire was extinguished.
The Contributing Economics Editor at first ignored the growing bonfire as she felt this was a complex situation and she had inadequate information. Was this a puzzle or a mystery she pondered as the flames rose higher and the smoke swirled around the room. However at the point the fire was in danger of setting the bookshelf alight the Contributing Economics Editor leapt to her feet grabbed the stacks of papers on her desk and threw them onto the pyre.
“What are you doing?”, cried the Epidemiologist and the Climate Scientist at the door.
“We need a bigger sample,” replied the Contributing Economics Editor, “and it will do wonders for the economy”.
DiddyWrote
Beautiful, DW, just beautiful. All your own work, yes ?
DeleteHi GB,
DeleteA distillation of hoary old Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician/Statistician jokes flavoured with Essence de Reptile.
Bonus Economic Joke
“Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you.””
DW
Ah yes, I have previously heard the economist's dog joke, but I can't recall the other one. Very nicely rendered and spot on for the reptiles in the herd.
DeleteI believe I have heard a somewhat similar joke where the economist says "let us assume we have a fire extinguisher".
DeleteIt's only funny because it is true.
I should add that you have critiqued Dame Groan's argument perfectly in that joke. The evidence she is talking about would be the accumulation of bodies.
DeleteDame Groan lives entirely within the Australian bubble, so it's not possible to look overseas at what happens when you change the measures, so what you see in Oz is all there is.
I would suggest she looks at the countries run by the blowhards preferred by the Oz opinionistas. Looks like the economies have suffered more due to not addressing the health issues first.
Aah, that rings a bit of a bell, Bef, though the tale I sort of remember involved a desert island, a can of beans and "First we postulate a can opener ...". So many versions of the same joke.
DeleteBut in the "economies have suffered" situation, how's the Brazilian economy faring ?
No need for the pond to add anything in response to that hit DW!
DeleteA gently meaningless and pointless bloviate from Nullius Ned, as usual. He just wants to make sure SloMo keeps up his endless virtue signalling and gesture politics while never in any way gesturing towards that other 'identity' or admitting that it has any virtues whatsoever. But perhaps a whole gobbet or two shorter than usual, don't you think ? Is Neddy finally losing interest in hearing the click-clack of his own keyboard ?
ReplyDeleteThe Savvy One says: "Howard, who before he took on tax [ie mainly the GS] had reformed gun laws after the 1996 Port Arthur massacre which propelled him to enact changes that have delivered incalculable benefits for us all."
Ok, I'll be bunny: what "incalculable benefits" exactly ? The GST was, and remains, a mixed blessing at best - largely regressive, but politically unable to be altered (who wants to volunteer to increase the rate ?) - so what else comes up for consideration ? Appointing a paedophile protecting priest as Governor General maybe ? Keeping Costello out of the prime Ministership, maybe ? Friending and mentoring the Muncher to become the worst PM in living memory (yes, including Billy Big-Ears McMahon).
Maybe his great philosophical leap forward when he pronounced that "if you believe what you're saying, then it isn't a lie". To be an actual "lie" you see, you must have an intent to deceive, but if you really believe what you say, there can be no deception. Yep, that fine moral clarification should count as an "incalculable benefit". Certainly ScottyfromMarketing believes so.
A great opening by Dame Groan about reading books she won't like (oh, give us your list, Groanie, give us your list). So from the opening sentence beginning "A while ago" to "I'll take recommendations from trusted sources." was 79 words. So a microscopic brain-fart earned her $79, just like that. And not a millisecond's thought involved. Such is the life of a reptile. So, since I'm way too busy and too lazy to actually count, how much did the whole pointless, self-promoting article earn for her ?
Dame Groan would like us to note that "A bit of humility on the part of scientists wouldn't go astray". And on the part of dollar a word junk journalists too, perhaps. But then: "They also might care to re-read the fable about the boy who cred wolf". Indeed, indeed, but mayhap Dame Groan might contemplate that it is better by far to cry wolf than be eaten by one.
In the 'crying wolf' stakes, how about this:
DeleteReserve Bank warns of 25% GDP loss by 2100 unless action taken on climate change
https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/jun/26/reserve-bank-warns-of-25-gdp-loss-by-2100-unless-action-taken-on-climate-change
Noted, GB, don't worry, Lloydie will fix it, once he's saved the Amazon ...
DeleteAh yes, DW, one must have faith in the greatness of reptiles, mustn't one. My only problem now is how to stay alive long enough to witness this miracle. I'm not quite sure I can hang around for another 10,000 years.
DeleteGreetings GB.
ReplyDeleteI know you are busy so I ran a word count for you on Dame Groan’s article and came up with 945. At a dollar a word that’s close enough to an easy grand for simply spitting out her own lazy version of “ill-informed, tendentious bilge”. Nice work if you can get it!
I am particularly impressed by her accusative tone when asking... “What is the real evidence that particular types of social distancing and lockdowns affect the course of the virus?” It reminds me of Mad Malcolm Roberts’ benighted demand for what he called “empirical evidence” on climate change.
In posing this somewhat duplicitous question Groanie has conveniently ignored lockdown-free Sweden’s proportionally high death rate. The failure of the Swedish attempt to create herd immunity surely counts as “real” evidence for the efficacy of lockdown and social distancing on controlling the virus.
But the Dame’s real corker is this... “Let’s face it, COVID-19 hasn’t laid a glove on our healthcare system at any stage.”
Well...perhaps our lockdowns had something to do with that?
Gracias, Kez. I rather thought she'd be getting up to just about 1000 words. Which means a maximum of $52,000 pa which is one heck of a lot less than she was previously getting for about the same quantity and quality of stultifying drivel.
DeleteThe Swedes are quite funny, really. Apparently they think they are the "sensible, rational ones" and their fellow Scandys are all a bit weird. But the fact of the matter us that if they really wanted to achieve 'herd immunity' they should have been doing everything they possibly could to overcome their citizen's primitive sense of self preservation and get them to get out and all get infected.
Then, after the corpses have all been burned to ash, the remaining Swedes would all have post infection immunity. Some of them might also have post-infection medical conditions too - eg pulmonary fibrosis - but them's the sacrifices, together with losing almost all of your grandparents and a lot of your parents, that you just gotta make.
And having made those sacrifices, you can watch your economy cave in just like everybody else's.