A heartfelt message from Sydney's inner west ...

(Above: the inner west, according to google. Click to enlarge).

Please, for a moment, play amongst,  or with yourselves, as you like ...

This is just an anguished howl at the moon, part of the pond's ongoing therapy.

The ABC and other media outlets frequently report on strange and disturbing events in the "inner west of Sydney", and as a result, the pond is frequently rung up by interstate members of the family, disturbed that the pond is in the middle of ice-driven bikie gang violence, and shootings, and other gangs and murders and mayhem and attacks by dragons ... often as far away as Granville, Blacktown or Fairfield.

Now the pond is aware of the technical definition of the inner west - you can Greg Hunt it here - but here's the real situation.

The inner west stops at Ashfield, where the inner west line used to terminate (now it's reckoned to be Homebush, but that's the central west).

The central or middle west runs out to Parramatta, and after that it's the outer west. So your Blacktown and such like is in the outer west. Places like Penrith are your far fucking away outer west, and that's where the dragons live. You almost never see a dragon in the inner west.

Then there's the Blue Mountains, and then it starts all over again. Lithgow is in the inner bush west, Bathurst and Orange are a little more bush west, Dubbo is the central bush west, and then from Cobar on, you're in the far fucking away out there outer bush west (the pond hears that Silverton is home to a fine nest of dragons and aged memories of mad Max).

Please, no correspondence. Feel free to travel in the inner west without any fear of harm, except for the odd bit of livestock escaped from a movie set and roaming the street, or those wretched poseurs performing in a music clip in the streets of the inner west (the pond just can't soil the lips with the name of the band).

But how, you ask, will I know that I'm safely in the inner west?

Luckily the pond has the complete guide in a single photo. Yes, we commissioned this shot at vast expense.

Don't be alarmed.

If you see a hipster swarm, relax, it's not like a swarm of bees or a bunch of angry fire ants.

You can get crushed to death in a gelato stampede, but it's not nearly as dangerous as a coffee herd at full stretch.

One other thing. There's another sure guide. Talk to anyone in the central or outer west and they won't mind that Apple dropped a bloody song by U2 in their iTunes account for free. Sure, it might be crap, but it's free crap, so where's the harm.

Anyone in the inner west will immediately tell you it's an outrage. Quick, read U2's new album is showing up on your iPhone whether you want it or not.

There you go, point out that Apple is Big Brother - having lived the nightmare, the pond can provide all the right talking points - and remember to crack a U2 joke, and the natives will recognise you as one of them.

You can if you like, also crack a Coldplay joke - there the pond has said the cursed name out loud - but only in the context of which is the worst band, U2 or Coldplay.

Try this: the only way Apple could have kicked a bigger own goal is by giving away a free Coldplay tune. Quick, read With U2's New Album Free on iTunes, We Wonder: Is U2 Still Relevant?

Now you're fully briefed, just remember to check your dragons at Ashfield, and pick them up on the way back home, and you'll have a wonderful time in the inner west. Heck you might even like to go into the city, but remember that starts at Broadway, not central ...

Eek, the pond had a nightmare ...

Well that's the last time we'll talk hipster talk ...