Let them all become fruit pickers, but let Scott Morrison, Sharri Markson, Nick Cater and Eric Abetz go first ...

(Above: and more David Pope here)

Sorry, the pond is too angry at the way the contemptible Scott Morrison has ducked and weaved and avoided responsibility for his part in the Manus Island matter, aided and abetted by a derelict, guilt-laden Labor party.

And that's before we get on to the contemptible way Morrison is getting into bed with the Cambodian dictatorship to use one of the poorest countries in the world as a dumping ground, having already got into trouble by using PNG as a dumping ground.

Questions are being asked already - the report settled nothing - and the issue will become a festering sore, a canker at the core of this ostensibly Christian government ...

Robert Cornall's report on the violence on Manus Island tiptoes around the main failures of the Abbott government and avoids a conclusion on whether the policy of indefinite detention in such a remote location is fatally flawed. 
The wishy-washy set of recommendations belie the gravity of what unfolded inside a place where Scott Morrison maintained, even after the carnage, the safety of inmates could be guaranteed as long as they behaved. (and so on, here, forced video at end of link)

A kindly reader provided a link to the report in pdf form, here, but how many will be interested in reading the output of quislings and lackeys?

No, all that does is get the pond into a rage, and it's too much for a Tuesday, when we should be able to look at the lighter side of life - like Bronwyn Bishop rorting her way through life with nary a jot or a whit of balance or fairness.

Now that's how to do a kerosene bath in style (Forgotten? Try Parliament hears kerosene bath led to death).

And speaking of comedy stylings, there was Crikey doing a pitch to lure the pond back to a subscription. Purportedly, it was a special, pleading message from Tony Abbott PM:

Well, winker I may be but I also love a fight, which is what I get from Crikey. They still believe in facts and cogent argument and I've always loved history myself. 
As for those ‘independent journalists’ over at News Corp, they get my goat. What’s the applause of a bunch of sycophants really worth anyway? 
I know I’m PM and all that but I still struggle for meaning. Thinking of my enemies gets me out of bed in the morning. How else could I face Malcolm Turnbull? 
I sum it up like this: Crikey keeps me on my toes while Chris Mitchell washes my smalls. That’s a pretty good reason to subscribe to Crikey Insider I’d say.

And then the coda:

P.S. Chris, if you’re reading this, can I have a bag wash on my cycling gear ready by Wednesday?

It was a good pitch, but it was wrong. It turned out that it wasn't Chris Mitchell washing Abbott's smalls that caught the pond's eye, it was Sharri Markson washing Rupert's feet, as an eerie angelic glow emanated from his prophetic brow.

Remind us Guy Rundle:

Ain’t that good News. There are few things more joyful in Australian media than seeing how many twists News Corp can get into reporting on itself. Thus, Prince Rupert announces that his papers would be printed for “decades” more to come, which is covered breathlessly by The Australian, after which media editor Sharri Markson writes a comment (behind the paywall) about the story about Rupert talking about the paper she’s writing in. It’s difficult to know what is more gobsmacking about Markson’s report. Is it her Google Translate version of English prose — “reports to talk it down are exaggerated”, “he has proved correct” — or her mixed/incorrect metaphors, with the observation that “[Channel] Ten’s flailing ratings do not sign the death-knell for free-to-air television”? Neither. It’s this, which would raise a blush in the cheeks of the editor of the Pyongyang Times: 
 “Being engaging and innovative in the digital space, while still selling millions of newspapers, is critical to the success of News Corp, unlike its one-time Australian competitor Fairfax, and is a reflection on Rupert Murdoch, the most successful publisher the world has ever seen. Murdoch has proved himself a visionary in a media industry largely populated by lesser executives who show more reservation than courage, more anxiety than insight and more uncertainty than solutions.” (and more behind the Crikey paywall here)

After pointing out the many ways the visionary chairman Rupert had done a MySpace flop, and still pissed money against the wall on his Australian newspaper empire, Rundle hailed Markson's imperial flattery as potentially unveiling the next Rebekah Brooks.

Now you might think Rundle was being unfair, but truth to tell, he was discreet, and avoided showing the depths of Markson's shame. Hers was an astonishing effort for a rag which doesn't make a profit, with a gloating and a preening and a promenading that was beyond unsightly.

The truth is that not only are newspapers alive and kicking, but the media organisations that will suffer in the digital age are those that reverse-publish, such as Fairfax, taking its news cues from the twitterati and internet ephemera. By failing to invest in the quality of its newsrooms and newspapers, Fairfax will become one small player in a large online pond occupied by others, such as the BBC and The Guardian, with far greater global audiences. 
Fairfax’s confused and self-destructive strategy can be seen in its use of columnists such as Clementine Ford as “clickbait” to boost its online audience — a dumbed-down audience that has little appeal for advertisers seeking AB readers and that will never be able to match the scale of a free site, such as the Daily Mail. 
It’s a hopeless halfway house. 
 “Hywood is simply plunging into the bottom of the toilet as sure as the famous scene in Trainspotting,’’ The Australian’s editor-in-chief Chris Mitchell said of the company’s direction. 
News Corp is heading in a different direction, armed with facts that show newspapers command robust circulation and a healthy financial future.

Has Markson ever heard of hubris? Vanity, all is vanity ...

Well at least it gives us an idea of the shitty metaphors that Chris Mitchell loves ...

The pond was so astonished and delighted that there was an immediate and urgent need to track down Sharri Markson, and here she is as she appears in her Twitter account:

The Twitter account contained some wonderful gems. Like

... you know Murdoch Derangement Syndrome has taken hold when they dispute the "visionary" tag. Genuine lolz.

The pond was lolzing around, rolling Jaffas down the aisle.

Oh sure, a few tried to point out the bleeding obvious, like Fairfaxian Bevan Shields tweeting peak satire had been reached (here), which led the pond to this:

But most of all the pond was reminded of the good old days when Markson scored the job as reported in mUmBRELLA: Sharri Markson named new media editor for The Australian, vows to bring more 'attitude'.

'Attitude' is the new word for pitiful forelock tugging, servile abasement, and a kool aid drinking party?

A host of generally negative comments could be found attached to that mUmBRELLA story, including this last one at the end"

Seriously Sharri – you sound like a silly young schoolgirl

Oh Stan, that's so cruel and sexist. She's just a member of Chairman Rupert's youth party ...

And if nothing else, Markson reminded the pond of the monolithic culture that now exists amongst the reptiles at the lizard Oz.

Sure enough, what do you know, come on down the Caterists this very day:

Yes, if you can be bothered getting around the paywall, or if you duck down to wherever they're throwing away the rag for free - it's the only way to keep the circulation figures half-way respectable - you can read Cater doing his very own comedy impression in Aunty's inquisitors turn on the heat.

It's a supremely childish, petulant piece, right down there with Markson, and it shows its colours right up the front.

Instead of Chris Mitchell's dunny speak reference to Trainspotting, Cater opts for a children's horror film:

In the movie Godzilla, mankind’s punishment for upsetting the balance of nature is meted out by a hideous, gargantuan monster on a primeval mission of retribution. 
Tony Abbott’s comeuppance for disrupting the politically correct equilibrium of Australian cultural life is administered by the ABC. 
It is an ugly sight on or off the screen. The two monstrous hulks have grown meaner over the years, and neither will be deflected from their vengeful path by reason and persuasion.

It's bizarre. Anyone with an imagination might conjure up Cater at night reading a story about monsters to terrify the children. Or maybe the 10-15 demographic. The illustration captures the tone perfectly:

Really? Guy Rundle made reference to the Pyongyang Times, but you'd swear we were in a life and death struggle:

Yet what's the ideal the Godzilla-wielding futtock wants to deploy?

QandA started with great promise seven years ago, but in recent years has become a caricature of a discussion program. The BBC show from which it was copied, Question Time, shows it does not have to be this way. Firm and yet ever courteous and polite, its host David Dimbleby insists on discipline and decorum from the panel, and the audience responds in turn.

Firm and yet ever courteous and polite? Discipline and decorum?

From a man who starts off by quoting a crappy Godzilla movie?

What a futtock the man is, what a click-baiting, trolling stirrer, deserving of Markson's wrath if she had half a brain or half a clue. Well just to save any stray reader the trouble, here's how the Caterist ends his piece:

It will be consolation to Jones and his producers to know that they have succeeded in splitting the Right in half. 
On one side there are those who, out of a sense of civic duty, are prepared to brave the stacked panel, discourteous host and a crowd that thinks it’s been invited to watch the punishment of a ­medieval witch. 
On the other side there is a growing group of politicians and commentators who do not regard a slice of cold pizza and a warm beer in the green room as sufficient recompense for watching your knuckles turn white for an hour, clinging to a ducking stool on national television. 
Does it matter? Probably not. Abbott has already demonstrated that the ABC world view is not impregnable. 
 His policies on border protection, the carbon tax, the mining tax, gay marriage, renewable energy, preventive health, school and hospital funding and a whole lot more were considered “totally inappropriate” by his cultural opponents. 
 Yet he won the election anyway. Now there’s a good topic for Faine’s next The Conversation Hour.

Astonishing stuff.

The pond didn't think anyone could cause the pond to feel a shred of sympathy for Jones and Q and A, but somehow Caterists can manage the job.

The upside? Well it did remind the pond of Guy Rundle's great smack down of Cater in What Nick Cater's book gets wrong about Australia (basically everything) (may be Crikey paywall affected)

And yet after he achieved fifteen minutes of fame for getting everything wrong, here's Cater conflating all sorts of issues, lumping them together, and talking about them, as if it's only a matter of Abbott's "cultural opponents".

Like this?

Eeek, it's a winking Godzilla, and the Washington Post is part of the vast ABC-UN-climate science international conspiracy ...

Meanwhile, the hagiographers and the knob polishers are out and about, and still they're banging the drum of a budget crisis, a national emergency:

Oh yes, it's a suicidal disaster in a hostile world, no doubt about it.

Except why are there all these rumours of the Abbott government trying to buy its way out of trouble with income tax breaks, and a sudden discovery of cash in the meat safe? Pass Go and you'll collect a bonus?

You couldn't write a better comedy about contradictions and hypocrisy, unless you happened to be Moliere, or left Cleo to become the media editor of the lizard Oz ...

But here's the thing. The moment that Abbott tries to buy his way out of trouble, and back to favourable polls, all that Newman and Reithian blather will be used as a reminder of Abbott's own rhetoric.

Is it possible to make a mess of bribing taxpayers? Just watch Abbott weave his magic ...

And finally the pond has just enough room to squeeze in an honourable mention for Eric Abetz's "let them all become fruit pickers ..." (that should give them enough money to be able to afford cake), as outlined in Young and without work? Take up fruit picking, says Liberal senator Eric Abetz.

There are some wonderful precedents for the good Senator to turn to:

Don't listen to all the gloom mongers and the naysayers, the Hon Abetz, of the kind you can find in Fruit industry not 'babysitters' for jobless, farmers warn Abetz.

Indeed as any proper nationalist socialist knows, there's a good instructional, lyrical, and inspirational video on hand, ready to inspire all Tasmanians: