Time for a few Friday incisions and excisions ...

(Above: a few old 1990s Gra Gra jokes by cartoonist Geoff Pryor to set the Friday mood to excision)


The pond has taken to counting the acolytes, servants, fellow travellers and cheerleaders at one with James Packer, and how pleasing it is to add Gra Gra Richardson to the conga line of forelock tuggers.

Here he is in It's a safe bet the urge to take a punt cannot be legislated away (locked behind the paywall to keep the world a little safer for innocent men, women and children):

If Australia is to get the share it deserves of the gambling dollars pouring out of Asia, proposals like his should be embraced. Big projects always attract criticism from small minds. No little punters will lose their money at this casino, and if a few wealthy Chinese go home with lighter wallets, I don't mind if Packer gets even richer. The royalties pouring into NSW government coffers will benefit us all.

Yep, only a few wealthy Chinese will lose just a teenyweeny bit, and no little punters will lose their money at this casino, and only small minds would dare to criticise a big man like James Packer with big ideas, and anyway state Liberals and Labor are at one in realising the dream, as wealthy Chinese gamblers catch the very fast bus from Canberra to gamble big.

And if you believe that tosh, why Richo has a barely used Harbour Bridge which will only lighten your wallet by a few dollars ...

The Australian is the almost exclusive home of these sorts of cheerleaders, movers and shakers.

It seems it's the regular recipient of leaks designed to give it "exclusives" and shove news of Tony Abbott to the top of the digital page (no link, screen cap):

By golly, what a splendid idea. And can we do the same for politicians' allowances?

No doubt there are already dozens of NSW public servants lining up for their enhanced bonuses, seeing how they removed all that red tape for benefit of James Packer.

But the pond has an even better idea. If we keep on removing Australia from Australia, there'll be no need for any red tape at all.

This isn't an original idea. We owe it to John Howard and Chris Bowen (what happy peas they are in their shared pod), and it led to some lovely semantic exchanges between Clarke and Dawe:

JOHN CLARKE: Bryan, the effect of the legislation will be to excise from Australia's migratory zone, from its migration zone the continent of Australia. 
 BRYAN DAWE: Of Australia. So, what's a migration zone? 
 JOHN CLARKE: A migration zone, Bryan, is simply somewhere to where people may wish to migrate. 
 BRYAN DAWE: Like Australia. 
 JOHN CLARKE: Like Australia, Bryan. But the point I'm making is we haven't excised Australia from itself. We've excised it from Australia as a migration zone. 
 BRYAN DAWE: And who's doing the excising? 
 JOHN CLARKE: Well we are. 
 BRYAN DAWE: Australia? 
 JOHN CLARKE: That's correct, Bryan. But let me get you to understand we're not excising Australia from itself. We're excising it as a migration zone. 
 BRYAN DAWE: Yeah, but hang on, hang on. Chris Bowen. How you can say we don't exist if we don't exist? 
 JOHN CLARKE: I'm not saying we don't exist, Bryan. I'm saying we don't exist as a migration zone. BRYAN DAWE: So - but what if someone else thinks we do exist as a migration zone?
 JOHN CLARKE: Well they'd be wrong, Bryan, and we can prove they're wrong using this legislation we're bringing in. This is the very point we're trying to make to these people.

And so on and etc. You can watch the sketch and get the transcript here.

It gave the pond a spiffing idea. Now if we excised Barangaroo from Sydney, it could be made a part of Las Vegas or perhaps Macau, and there's your solution to keeping down red tape and keeping local punters away from temptation.

The big news this morning however is the defection of a footballer from one form of brutality to another, having been lured from one form of brutality to another:

Fairfax Sydney branch deemed it so important that it ran a story from Fairfax Yarra's Greg Baum (home of "real footy") rubbing the AFL's nose in its folly (The coup that backfired).

The pond's solution is a lot simpler, and lordy does it cut through the red tape. All we need to do is excise Victoria from the Commonwealth ...

Now if only we could excise The Australian from the media.

The footy coaches in the rag are extremely anxious about their most important charge, the way he's not taking marks, and fumbles the ball and can't even manage to score a behind (use a cane like they did in the old days?)

It's set Dennis 'the well-dressed tie' Shanahan brooding in Abbott bends but not to Labor's will. (behind the paywall for your ongoing mental stability).

Oh it's a triumphant tale of a struggling lad who just needs to settle down and take the ball up the middle:

The pertinent political questions are how does the Opposition Leader change his approach and the profile of the Coalition and when does he do it. There are traps aplenty around Abbott in changing and just as much danger in not changing. 
 As well, the timing has just as many opportunities to make a fatal mistake. 
 This is the most dangerous time for Abbott since he became Liberal leader in December 2009.

Oh dear, it's like watching an anxious dad cheering from the sideline, and gasping as the favoured son dropped the ball yet again.

So what's the bottom line in this meandering piece of irrelevance that should have been excised?

Well it was incredibly stupid coaching advice, as only a Shanahan could offer:

Abbott does have to change and there are enormous risks for him in doing so but one thing is clear, the Liberal leader is not showing signs of panic and following Labor's advice on what he should do. Moving too far too quickly or leaving a shift too late are all dangerous, but taking Labor's advice is downright dumb.

You mean he wrote a column patiently explaining that Tony Abbott shouldn't follow Labor party advice? Presumably on the basis that he's so downright dumb he might just well do such a thing?

That's beyond dumb. But is it any dumber than reading Dennis Shanahan? Pushing a non sequitur column to the point of ultimate meaninglessness is mega dumb ...

The only dumber thing is actually reading the man.

The pond pleads guilty. Excise the man, excise him now.

While still brooding about excisions, it's worth mentioning a wonderful ploy by Andrew Laming to have remarks he clearly and obviously made, removed from the Hansard record, on the basis that somehow he was misquoted and he disremembered shouting 'you are corrupt' at Gillard:

Dr Laming's interjection was recorded in Hansard, and in the notes of journalists, but this morning he backtracked, claiming he simply shouted "corrupt" during the furore, and others, including the Hansard editor who sits in the chamber, must have misheard him. 
Dr Laming said other people were shouting the word at the same time. 
He said one Coalition MP had told him he used the word at the same time, but declined to identify the member. ''I think that was why it was so audible,'' he said. 
But the Hansard office says it is doing a final review of the audio but it is unlikely to be changed, despite Dr Laming's request his interjection be expunged. 
Dr Laming requested the change today but after reviewing the audio of yesterday question time, Hansard officials kept the "You are corrupt!" interjection as originally recorded. (I was 'misquoted' in attack on PM: Laming - forced video at end of link)

What a gherkin, you are so silly Dr Laming, why on earth should you care about your reputation, your attempt to alter the record makes you a goose on top of a gherkin.

Excise the dishonourable member, excise him now. Think of the adjudicating Hansard red tape we can save ...

And so to an honourable mention to Greg Combet turning racecaller (Combet turns racecaller to stir Liberals). There were some solid lines, but this one caught the ear:

... Scott Morrison was "a promising weight for ager" but was "spooked by foreign horses every time".

A good joke, until you remember Chris Bowen, so spooked by foreign horses he's keen to excise Australia from Australia ....

Did we mention dumb and dumber?

And now please excuse a personal aside. The pond at first thought of sending off an indignant letter, but that seemed so penny black stamp in this day and age.

So how to shout at a bank? It was only then that the pond remembered it was a blog, which thus far hadn't been excised from the intertubes.

You see the pond was recently in receipt of a letter from a bank. The communication was an attempt to get around recent credit card legislation which sought to limit banks approaching customers to increase their credit card limits.

It seems now, instead of being directly harassed about increasing credit card limits, we must be prepared for harassment about consenting to being harassed about increasing credit card limits.

And then came the capper, because after a list of the many quick and easy ways the pond could consent to ongoing harassment came the line "We're here to help".

No you're not here to help. You're here to get me to rack up a mountain of debt and then whack a huge amount of compound interest on it and then pursue me and my estate to the grave. Get dressed please, your naked greed is disgusting and appalling.

20.99% on cash advances and 19.39% on purchases and 13.14% as a low rate?! Obscene. And now you want my permission to keep on harassing me to get deeper into debt?

You're guilty, ANZ, guilty as hell. You're not here to help, you're here to harass ... watch out, or you'll be excised, licketty split ...

And so to a final Gra Gra cartoon. We've run it before, but it's always handy, especially when Gra Gra starts lugging that piano upstairs for James Packer.