It's all the fault of the ABC and Fairfax and the BBC, or if you will, humourless tossers like Gerard Henderson, Miranda the Devine and Janet Albrechtsen ...

(Above: Steve Bell setting a demented Anglican tone for proceedings which happen to be Catholic. Click to enlarge).

Long before the dust has settled, the calls for bowls of water have begun, and the conservative commentariat have begun bathing the feet of Cardinal Pell and the Catholic church.

No doubt the washing of hands is also an important part of the ancient humble ritual.

It is, of course, all the fault of the media, or more particularly, the ABC. Yep, you've guessed it, just when you thought prattling Polonius had disappeared, Gerard Henderson turns up today to offer the classic defence on Pell, in Eyes are averted to indigenous abuse:

Pell was interviewed by Geoff Thompson for the Four Corners ''Unholy Silence'' program which aired in July. The Cardinal made it emphatically clear that, as Archbishop of Sydney, he is only responsible for his own diocese and reports to the Vatican. Four Corners not only failed to run Pell's comment. More seriously, it edited the extended interview (which is on the ABC's website) and deleted the Cardinal's comment about the extent of his authority. This reeks of censorship but the decision has been supported by ABC managing director Mark Scott. 

Yep, when the going gets tough, it's the ABC and Mark Scott wot done it, along with Henderson's continuing obsession to blame them for everything that's wrong in the known universe.

But the problem with Pell and the extent of his authority is that he can't resist shooting off his mouth on any subject, from climate science to child abuse to same sex-marriage, and sounding just like the managing director of the Australian Catholic church. If he showed fewer signs of megalomania, he'd surely attract less media attention.

Limiting and diversifying authority within the church - a many-headed Hydra syndrome - has had its immense benefits in denying responsibility and liability. Take a look at how Cardinal Pell and the Archdiocese of Sydney were given a free pass in Ellis v Pell, here in summarised form.

Instead of attacking the media, might it not might be better to take a look at the structure of the church and the way it seeks to deflect responsibility and thwart those who've suffered at the hands of its agents? No, of course not:

The failure to understand the structure of the Catholic Church has led to confusion.

Actually it's been any number of attempts to sue the Church and its agents which has led to confusion, but let's get back to blaming the media:

In recent days there has been criticism of Pell on such programs as Lateline, Mornings with Linda Mottram, Radio National Breakfast and Paul Murray Live where suggestions have been made that he should resign or be sacked because of mishandling of sexual assaults in the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle. The journalists involved should be aware that Pell has nothing to do with, and is not responsible for, the Catholic Church in the Hunter region or anywhere else outside the Sydney archdiocese. He is the most senior Catholic in Australia but he is not managing director of the Australian Catholic Church. 

Which is very handy for him and the church when they call for that ritual bowl of water. You see nobody is responsible for anything, they all report to a mysterious foreign state, and suddenly in any other circumstance you'd be hearing Janet Albrechtsen muttering about black helicopters and a UN conspiracy.

This is all very good so far as it goes, but we need some juicy red herrings to distract from the issues at hand. How about Jimmy Saville? There's a good chance to kick the BBC, which is responsible for everything wrong in the universe except when it's the ABC, and vice versa. And then there's Peter Roebuck:

... when Roebuck died last year he was lauded by journalists - particularly at Fairfax and the ABC. Even yesterday, sections of the media remembered the first anniversary of Roebuck's death but conveniently forgot that he was an offender.

Sections of the media? Would that be Gideon Haigh in The Australian (paywall blocked to spare your Hendersonian sensitivities) mentioning how Roebuck was mentor to a South African batsman, Ed Cowan, who lifted his eyes to heaven while scoring a hundred?

The Murdoch press? Funny how Henderson dare not speak the name ...

Yet if you want an account of Peter Roebuck's tortured life, his obsession with caning other men, especially young ones, his convictions for assault, and the events leading up to his death, you might well find yourself resorting to Adam Shand's Sex, beatings, blackmail: the riddle over Roebuck ... in the Fairfax press.

You might not emerge understanding Roebuck any better, but at least you'll understand that there's more to life than Henderson's superficial, truly stupid phobias about the ABC and Fairfax.

Not to worry, now we need the ultimate ace, the joker in the pack.

How about a Helen Lovejoy cry, won't someone think of the indigenous children?

The good news is that the proposed royal commission will cover all instances of child abuse and not just crimes committed by Catholic clergy. Tragically, it is not likely to stop attacks on young Aboriginal boys and girls.

Indeed. But perhaps it might explore the issue, just as it might explore the issue of abuse in secular and religious institutions, including the Catholic church, and while it might not stop all attacks, it might hone an awareness that there are risks involved for offenders. The inquiry into black deaths in custody didn't stop gruesome deaths in custody, but at least there's more awareness, an awareness of the Catholic church and pedophilia that now seems to be penetrating the bulwarks of even conservative Catholic members of the commentariat.

Will it stop the likes of Henderson  defending Pell and the Catholic church and the Melbourne Response by dragging every stray cat they can find out of the bag? Not likely.

You see, poor hapless Cardinal Pell is a media target because he's a conservative and speaks out.

So here's a suggestion from the pond. Get him to shut up about climate science and all the blather he offers up in the Sunday Terror on a weekly basis, let him take a discreet backward step and lower his profile, and stop attracting the attention of the media.

What's that you say? He's the chief spokesperson for the Catholic church in Australia, and frequently carries on like he's the institution's managing director? Never mind ...

But we know we're on a roll, because over at the Daily Terror, Miranda the Devine is in fine form, defending Pell, and extolling him to the sky, in Today's abuse victims must be kept in focus.

Her way of undermining proceedings before they get underway is to defend the wondrous Pell while establishing FUD:

This police officer is worried that another inquiry into abuse that occurred decades ago will give a cover to paedophiles operating today because it “will distract the authorities, create hysteria, and nobble juries’ objectivity”. 
 Let us hope that’s wrong.

No, let's hope that FUD works its magic.

Waiter, another bowl of water please. There needs to be a ritual washing of the hands.

Which just leaves time to celebrate the publication of Janet Albrechtsen's plea for people to lighten up in Lemon-lipped new puritans could lighten up a little (behind the paywall because you have no sense of humour).

She starts off with a joke:

Did you hear the joke about the earnest politician who proposed banning all jokes whether told publicly or privately about matters deemed untouchable by a committee of self-appointed moral guardians? Of course, you didn't.

Turns out we didn't hear it because it's not a joke. It's not fucking funny. So Albrechtsen starts off her column making a plea for comedy and humour by sounding like a lemon-lipped new puritan who can't even start her column with a fucking half-way decent joke.

Albrechtsen is indignant that a few agitators got upset about Jeffrey Phillips SC making a joke about the Benedictines being the traditional guardians of St. John's. No doubt she's also agitated about people who find talk of chaff bags and dead dads a little blue, but here's the thing that confirms Albrechtsen is just a lemon-lipped puritan who needs to lighten up a little:

Alas, rational, cool-headed analysis is anathema to the New Puritans. And just as the 17th century Puritans were not always consistent in their "dour prudery", our New Puritans are also inconsistent when it comes to taking offence. 
 For example, in the same edition of The Sun-Herald it was entirely acceptable for the resident comic, Peter FitzSimons, to mock Mitt Romney for his Mormon beliefs. Equally, it's called entertainment when the ABC's Chaser boys poke fun at the Archbishop of Sydney and the Catholic Church as they did recently on The Hamster Wheel.

Can't you just see the pursing of the lips?

Making a joke about Mormons and the Catholic church isn't very funny, not funny at all, especially when it's done by boys. Eek, she called the lads boys, quick call the Gerard Henderson thought police, doesn't she realise they have an average age of 37?

It is of course just a chance to slag off Gillard and her government, as if they should turn themselves into a combo of Adam Saunders, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. Albrechtsen cites Bill Leak:

The Australian's brilliant artist is referring, of course, to the humourless girl-power government of Julia Gillard. While lack of humour infects both sides of politics, the Labor girls in particular need to loosen their pigtails.

Loosen their pigtails? Is that the best boom tish she's got? Not even up there with handbag hit squad?

Oops, sorry, oh that's a thigh slapper that is, that's a killer, look at them, rolling about in the aisles with the Jaffas.

So will the doctor follow her own prescription?

Where is the sharp wit and genuine civility of former politicians such as Fred Daly, who said he had never made an enemy he could not be friends with? In Canberra today, there are far too few Fred Dalys and far too many Tanya Pliberseks. Beyond Canberra too, many are enforcing the New Puritanism in preposterous circumstances. And ironically, those who speak most about the need for more modern-day civility are the same people discouraging the best solution. We could all laugh a little more. Especially at ourselves.

Not really. Clearly she finds jokes about religion tiresome.

And Albrechtsen has never shown an ability to laugh at herself. Her performances on Q&A have generally inclined to the stilted and the waspish, when not being positively puckered-up lemonish, and her columns are generally vituperative, which has why the pond has come to love her as this age's very own Dame Slap, lurking fearsomely at the top of the Faraway Tree.

Her columns are the very last place to go for a laugh - try Stewart or Colbert or the Hamster Wheel lads (yes they're lads, it's Albrechtsen official) - except when she's being unconsciously funny, waxing and waning between righteous indignation and silly asides about pigtails.

It's not quite the same as a good joke about the UN taking over the world and forming a world government in the guise of climate science, but give her time and a few hours with Lord Monckton, and she'll be back in top form, lightening the world with her special inadvertent comedy stylings ...

(Below: poor Bill Leak, dropped the plot he has. Maybe he should start getting a few clues from Steve Bell, more here).