Scott Morrison and the pond, both off to Malaysia to sort things out ...

(Above: the good old days).

The incessant talk of Anglo-Celtic, or perhaps Judeo-Christian values amongst the chattering commentariat has led to some deep thinking at the pond, and a firm decision to take some definitive action.

The pond, it almost goes without saying, is a strong believer in Anglo-Judeo-Celtic-Christian values, especially when blessed by a touch of Germanic engineering skills (oh the cuckoo clocks the great great grandparents used to construct in the Black Forest), and of course the subtle application of the cane has been essential in instilling these values into the young.

Why in my day, the Dominican nuns deployed the cane, the strap, a ruler, the bare hand, or whatever else came their way, while I have it on good authority that the Christian brothers were unstinting in their application of a leather strap to the behinds or hands of wayward boys.

After an untimely shift to the public school system, it's pleasing to report that in the old days the cane was still doing devoted secular work civilising young barbarians ... a memorable highlight being the way it was skilfully deployed by one teacher, who had some of kind of arthritic kink in his fingers which meant the digits wrapped around the cane like a demonic claw.

Girls missed out on six of the best - always with the discrimination - but it was six of the best, delivered by way of a good birching in the halls of Eton, that made Britain such a fine imperial example to the world.

These days, if you look around, you'll sadly notice that caning and spanking has fallen into disrepute.

And whose fault is this?

Well of course it's the baby boomers, who thought their precious prince and princess bums were too good for a touch of bamboo, and now the blame resides - as The Australian and Gerard Henderson can tell you every day of the week - with the inner urban mamby pamby elites who prefer sipping latte to backside brutalisation.

The end result? The utter decline of splendid British imperial values and western civilisation as it should be remembered and cherished.

Worse still, stout-hearted conservatives like Tony Abbott and Scott Morrison - who shouldn't be afraid of a little corporal punishment - are rushing around having anxiety attacks about caning when really they should be in favour of redemptive lashings.

Morrison is planning to head to Malaysia this Thursday to have a chat with refugees and likely will go all soft and liberal and caring (Morrison to meet Malaysian refugees), and explain how they'd all be much better off stuck in the middle of nowhere amongst the guano (a fancy term for bird poo), going quietly mad, until they're given permission to enter Australia ...

As if Abbott and Morrison gave a flying fuck about the refugees, their mental or physical health, as opposed to the health of their own political fortunes, and the chance to flay the government with stunts and flying visits (though the government does, it must be said, deserve a good whipping).

Sorry, a little reality intruded on the irony there.

Back on message. Confronted by this abdication of conservative values - why next thing you know Opus Dei will be giving up the self-mortification of the cilice, or the bringing of blood to the surface with a decent scouring - the pond, in an intrepid and daring piece of investigative journalism, is heading to Singapore and Malaysia to take an in-depth look at the issue.

Let me hastily add that this is no stunt, but a serious piece of in-depth investigative study in search of deep insights, which could take a whole day.

Agreed, there can be only two conclusions. Either Malaysia is wildly dangerous, full of Islamic fundamentalists and cane-crazed bureaucrats and deeply prejudiced south-east Asians, or it's just mildly dangerous, for said reasons, and so no right-minded person would entrust the country with anything, let alone refugees.

Sure, this conclusion could be reached from the comfort of a stereotypical, cliched, prejudiced armchair, but how much better to travel to the country to (a) gratuitously insult it and its people and (b) conclude that it's a haven for wild things, and (c) continue to maintain cordial relationships through gritted teeth with these demonic cane-crazed Islamic fundies, doing their best to preserve the best elements of British culture. This will do much for regional détente and the battle against fundamentalism.

Yes, it's not just the opposition that can pull stunts and pose as liberal humanists, and it's anticipated that the pond will return within the week to report on the benefits of a decent Anglo-Christian-Judeo-Celtic heritage, with Malaysia one of the few outposts left to preserve proper British imperial traditions in a respectful way:

When the Straits Settlements, comprising the three predominantly Chinese-populated port cities of Singapore, Melaka (Malacca) and Penang (George Town), was formed as a British colony in 1826, the criminal law of England applied.

Straits Settlements Penal Code Ordinance IV replaced the common law in 1871. It was based on the Indian Penal Code, enacted in 1860.

Offences punishable by whipping in the Code were robbery, aggravated theft, house trespass or house breaking, assault with intent to outrage modesty, and a second or subsequent offence of rape or living on or trading in prostitution.

This list of "whipping offences" was roughly similar to that of England and Wales at the time. (here)

As an upholder of these traditional English values, the pond simply has no time for the effete, effeminate posing of the Liberal party ponces, and their emasculating, coffee sipping and chardonnay swilling ways, and draws attention to the intrepid trail-blazing thoughts of Michael Duffy and his guest Peter Moskos, in Counterpoint's Is flogging an option?

Ah yes, the Duffster knows how to put these bleeding hearts in their proper place, and with a bit of luck, further down the track, he'll be giving Abbott and Morrison a flogging, if only of the verbal and metaphorical kind, for their effete, liberal, weak-kneed, ink blotter tendencies.

Naturally we can also rely on Menzies House to be right up there, as they boldly recycle a piece on spanking children, under the header Judge has harsh words for Mom before sentencing her for spanking her kid.

The piece ran without editorial intrusion, apart from a splendid bit of doggerel of the INSERT_RANDOM_NUMBER_HERE%26ct0%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Ftag.admeld.com%2Fclick%

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BPRICEBUCKET%7D\">") web site kind, and and it dragged out a bit of a debate from the Menzies House cognoscenti.

Naturally there were a few trolling liberal mamby pambies of the bleeding heart DLP variety eager to deplore spanking, but thank the lord, there was a granny who turned up to give them a sharp paddy whack on the bum:

Spanking is not brutalising and good parenting means it is there if and when needed, and the child knows this.

Indeed.

Now if only granny would explain to Scott Morrison that a good paddy whack on the bum is just the thing these troublesome refugees deserve, for the sheer cheek of fleeing peaceful havens and paradises like Iraq and Afghanistan, after Australia's spent so much time and money making them suitable for all kinds of Adams and Eves.

Sure, he wants to send them into isolation in the middle of the middle of nowhere, and see how it fucks with their minds ... but is that the same as a good caning?

Anyhoo, to settle the matter, the pond is off to Malaysia to review the use of the rattan cane, and its role in maintaining civilised British values. The temptation to drink a beer in the tropical heat might prove, like mad dogs and Englishmen, to be overpowering, so let's hope it'll turn out to be another case of Malaysia beer drink woman's caning sentence commuted.

Meanwhile, if you hear of a caning taking place in Malaysia, fear not, it'll only be the result of the pond conducting detailed research into Anglo-Celtic-Eton-long live the Queen values, of the kind routinely applauded by the likes of Scott Morrison and Tony Abbott.

Once the trip's over and the scar tissue has healed, the pond will resume business momentarily ...

(Below: damn it, if those damn Yankees don't know all there is to know about Judeo-Christian values for women).

Postscript: since irony seems to fly over the heads of some readers, the pond notes it doesn't think much of the Malaysian, PNG, East Timor and Nauru solutions (we're standing by for the Fiji solution), and we think even less of the Labor party being corralled by Abbott and Morrison into an extremist position so that the Liberal party can somehow pretend it's a caring sharing party full of liberal humanitarians, and we don't think much of the abuse of women simply because they might happen to like a beer on a warm day, and we think even less of the physical abuse of children, and even less of Menzies House for the mental abuse of adults, and we think even the physical abuse of adults is an issue, unless of course it involves consenting adults in an a relationship where the power is equally shared and a safe word is used. Then you can get into abuse of a refined and genteel kind to your heart's content...