Gerard Henderson, and please, enough of the merriment at parties, or we're all doomed ...

It's like watching a train wreck, but every so often a little gem emerges.

Yes, on Q & A last night Greg Sheridan put his hopes and his heart behind liberals and secularists. In Egypt of course. Where they might well save the country.

In Australia of course dissident ratbag liberals and secularists are undermining the very foundations of western civilisation as we know it.

You can read that alternative vision in Sheridan's Attack on Christianity will undermine society.

The thickness and consistency of a waffle, the vision of a slice of fairy bread, the breadth of insight of a doughnut.

Hey nonny no, on we go, because today is Gerard Henderson day, another devotee of liberals and secularists where Islamics stride the earth, and strident foe of them on home turf.

So what's our pontificating Polonius banging on about today?

Oh dear, it's the dreaded anarchists and in particular that latter day anarchist, the entire evil western media, which has been making out like a bandit for months from the bounty of WikiLeaks, as explained in great detail in World of the anarchists: many conspiracy theories but just one enemy.

Oops, sorry, got that totally, completely wrong, it's actually the evil anarchist Julian Assange, and the valiant Henderson is nobly defending centre left governments from his evil deeds.

It seems that the softness of an SBS interview with Assange (available here) has upset Polonius, and as a result, he feels the need to write an incredibly soft column which manages to overlook both Gillard's and Attorney-General McClelland's response to Assange and his activities back in December.

For that you have to head off to that fierce defender of anarchists ... the Liberal party. And its handy summary Labor thrown into disarray by PM response to WikiLeaks.

Yes, it turns out that has been long suspected is true ... the Liberal party, like any bunch of wild-eyed anarchists, is intent on bringing down the state. Why they're worse than the anarchists of Russia in the good old days ...

You see, Henderson spends his time defending Mark Arbib having a chat, gabbing on, spilling the beans, gossiping in a tawdry way with American officials, and indeed what's wrong with that, since we know the Labor party to be full of tawdry gossips peddling party secrets, in an Assange-like way, and as a result, our prattling Polonius can skate over Gillard's declaration of illegal deeds and McClelland's passport blues.

And put the blame squarely where it belongs:

The fact is that, some time ago, Assange voluntarily travelled to Sweden where, among other things, he attended a party along with leftists and left-of-centre types.

Oh the shocking depravity. Anarchists intent on bringing down the state should never ever attend a party with leftists and left-of-centre types.

Please purse your lips primly with a frown while repeating this over and over again. Lolling with leftists is liable to legalisms and will lead to loss of liberty ...

It is well known that Sweden has probably the most stringent sexual assault laws in the Western world. Assange should have been aware of this.

Indeed. Never have sex with a Swede. Or at least obtain a letter of consent in triplicate, detailing all appropriate terms and conditions. Get lost Swedes, you're off our sexual intercourse list.

Be aware of this in your travels in the world. Oh and don't forget medical insurance in the United States. The medical system there is a killer ...

But above all remember that an attendance at a left wing party can swiftly lead to your decline and fall:

Writing in the New Statesman last month he (Pilger) traced Assange's plight to a plan to silence and criminalise independent journalism by the "imperial mafiosi" - meaning, presumably, Barack Obama and his administration. This overlooks the fact that if Assange had not attended a left-wing party in Sweden he would not now be facing any legal proceedings whatsoever.

Precisely, and such wise counsel, prattling Polonius.

Please youff of today, whatever you do - and this applies to princes of Australia as much as princes of Denmark - avoid attending left wing parties at all cost. Keeping company with the left, while it might involve drinking and chortling and friskiness, can in the end only lead to tears ...

Follow Gerard Henderson's advice and stay at home, preferably with a nice hobby to fill in the evening hours. Perhaps needlework, or a bit of macrame or knitting or food decorating or flower arranging, or, if feeling terribly brave, candle-making. Warning: this might lead to burning down the house. Second thoughts, do nothing. Stare at the wall for hours on end. Warning this might lead some people to think you're insane.

But never ever dwell amongst Swedish leftists, no matter how much the pickled herring tempts the nostrils ...

And naturally trust in Polonius when he says this:

This even though the US has not sought Assange's extradition or even laid charges. Assange is a long way from Guantanamo Bay.

But not so far from crazies? At least if you Meet the people who want Julian Assange "whacked".

And how about the Obama administration? Is there a secret grand jury beavering away in Virginia? How about A secret grand jury against Assange is not "change we can believe in"? What about WikiLeaks demands Google and Facebook unseal US subpoenas?

The court order crucially demands that Twitter hand over details of source and destination internet protocol addresses used to access the accounts, which would help investigators identify how the named individuals communicated with each other, as well as email addresses used.

Yep, the US Government would love to establish that Assange and Bradley Manning were in it together, and there's little doubt they'd offer Manning a plea bargain if he could help them nail Assange.

But never mind the paranoia, because Gerard Henderson shows the way to really do paranoia:

It seems that the White House is always the enemy. On Sunday Dateline also ran a piece on the film Fair Game, the thesis of which is that the White House during George W. Bush's time revealed that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent. This was done, it is alleged, to discredit Plame's husband, Joe Wilson, who was a critic of the invasion of Iraq.

Uh huh. The valiant Polonius turns from defending centre left administrations to defending the Bush regime, and that prince of darkness Dick Cheney, and in particular the extremely murky events surrounding Plamegate.

Might we suggest that free thinkers and people who can't find evidence of Iraq obtaining nuclear materials in Africa avoid attending parties with right wing and right of centre types?

Anyhoo, this allows Polonius to reach a thundering conclusion:

The journalist Judith Miller, the only person to go to jail as a result of the Plame case, has described Fair Game as a "gross distortion". Miller was imprisoned for failing to reveal a source. She was not mentioned in the film or on Dateline. Nor was Armitage. To do so would have diminished the film's anti-Bush line.

Regrettably some journalists who admire Assange and distrust the White House - no matter what party is in office - themselves fail the full disclosure test.

Yes indeed, and so does our prattling Polonius, because he never ever discloses anything uncomfortable to his cause or his thinking or his scribbling. It's the way of the eternally biased and prejudiced ...

Speaking of the ineffable Miller, who earns our own wiki here, the last we'd heard of her was her free fall through Fox News right down to the wretched NewsMax. And what do you know, Miller has an extreme case of the forgets:

Judith Miller (now "Judy" for Fox News) makes a crack about Wikileaks' Julian Assange being a "bad journalist" because --wait for it--

JUDITH MILLER:... because he didn't care at all about attempting to verfiy the information that he was putting out or determine whether or not it would hurt anyone.

That's very interesting coming from Miller, an instrumental component in taking us into the Iraq War, and the subsequent deaths of tens, perhaps hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and 4430 American troops.

Miller would later say about her role:

"[M]y job isn't to assess the government's information and be an independent intelligence analyst myself. My job is to tell readers of The New York Times what the government thought about Iraq's arsenal." Some have criticized this position, believing that a crucial function of a journalist is independently to assess information, to question sources, and to analyze information before reporting it. (here).

If only our pompous Polonius had managed to mention that while quoting Miller saying that the film was a gross distortion.

After all, is it the business of the film-makers, or journalists to be independent intelligence analysts? Hardly ...

And so to our own rousing conclusion:

Regrettably some commentariat columnists who dislike Assange and seize any chance to denigrate WikiLeaks and trust the White House - no matter what party is in office - themselves fail the full disclosure test.

But as always there's pleasure to be found, though usually the pleasure is only to be found in the comments section, as the readers berate Polonius:

Gerard, could you please answer the following:

- how is attending a "left wing" party relevant?
- why should Assange have been aware of stringent sexual assault laws?
- when did it become the right of governments to decide who to protect?
- what is left of "centre" about Obama and Gillard? Where exactly is the centre? Gerard Henderson?
- is the failure to charge anyone over the disclosure of Plame's employment the same as saying nobody should be charged with the disclosure?
- Is calling something a conspiracy enough to discredit it as a theory?

Please reply

In your dreams Rupert Pupkin. A reply from Henderson? From those Olympian heights of disdain? From a man who never ever goes to leftist parties for fear of the diseases that one might catch?

You've got to be dreaming ... and remember Rupert, you might think you're the king of comedy, but the true, eternal king of comedy is Gerard Henderson and his prattling Polonius routine.

Hey nonny no, on we go. And so to some poetry suggesting that we party on dudes:

Hey nonny no!
Men are fools that wish to die!
Is 't not fine to dance and sing
When the bells of death do ring?
Is 't not fine to swim in wine, 5
And turn upon the toe,
And sing hey nonny no!
When the winds blow and the seas flow?
Hey nonny no!

Anon 16th Century.

No correspondence will be entered into regarding the meaning of hey nonny no. But hey, let's be blithe and bonny:

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never;
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey, nonny, nonny.

Shakespeare

Unless of course the killjoy Henderson turns up, because it's terribly hard to be blithe and bonny then. New rule: if you're ever at a party and sight Gerard Henderson, flee at once.