Janet Albrecthsen, and wise words to Tootles who want to leave the tracks ...

(Above: the shocking, secret, ultimately revealing story of Tootle and his hidden agenda).

There's a dreary predictability and familiarity that infests the squawking of the pond.

I guess if you have a one track mind, with hints of bee hive group think, and a hefty dose of Anthony Perkins' paranoia - take that, mixed metaphors - it's important to always stay on the track.

Lately I've been thinking of the commentariat as little Tootles. For those who came in late, Tootle was a train who was told he couldn't become a big engine - a flyer like the Flying Scotsman - unless he scored A+ in the most important course, Staying on the Rails.

But the wayward young vagrant showed a distressing pleasure in abandoning the rails and frolicking in the meadow, looking at flowers and playing with butterflies. Sure he felt guilt - what decent Catholic little train wouldn't feel guilt, playing and having fun - but guilt wasn't enough to get him back on the tracks.

(Oh you wretched naughty fun-loving frivolous hippie Tootle).

Naturally the Mayor got mad as hell when he saw Tootle playing with butterflies. He organised the villagers with a bunch of red flags and set them up in a meadows stake out. Since no train could ever defy a red flag, when Tootle left the rails yet again, he was stopped by the red flag the villagers waved at him. Every which way he turned, there was a red flag. He cried, he moaned, but then a green flag got him back on the one true track, and everyone was happy. At Golden Books' end, young Tootle has turned into yet another boring, hectoring, conservative old fart, telling young locomotives to Stay on the Rails No Matter What ...

Uh huh. So yesterday we had our esteemed Polonius, Gerard Henderson, positively dancing for joy - well as much as a sombre old hidebound conservative can dance for joy - at the Victorian Liberals tactical decision to re-install a Labor government rather than do a dalliance with the Greens (Coalition generals plan to fight them on the outskirts). Naturally it was all the fault of the professional tertiary educated elite, with job security and secure superannuation ... you know, like Gerard Henderson ...

Still at least no one would leave the rails, no matter what, and thus Victoria could be guaranteed either Tweedle Dum, John Brumby, or Dee, the hapless Ted Baillieu ...

Phew, take that damn butterfly liberal leets.

Today, we have Dame Slap, the always alarmist Janet Albrechtsen, issuing dire paranoid warnings to young trains everywhere. Extreme secret agenda aims to change our society, she shrieks, and we know who are the usual suspects. That's right it's those damn young comfortably middle class inner city dwellers and their smug ways ... a bit like Janet Albrechtsen really, but they happen to have left the tracks ...

Naturally in order to expose the highly secret covert agenda of the Greens - more covert and secret than the Masons, the Rosicrucians, the Stone Cutters and the Scientologists - Dame Slap turns to that devastating source of good sense, and enlightenment philosophy, Kevin Andrews, for some hard hitting advice to young Tootles:

Last week, Liberal frontbencher Kevin Andrews gave an address exposing the history and the philosophical roots behind the rise of the Greens.

Had someone such as Malcolm Turnbull given this speech, the media would have lauded it as a brilliant treatise demolishing the Greens as anything but a moderate force for good. Instead, the speech by a more conservative Liberal is buried. That's a shame.

Well it's true if Turnbull had given it, the Tootles might not have nodded off into a deep restful sleep. The monomaniacal obsessive compulsive Andrews has found his true calling and home at the punch drunk Punch, celebrating the drug infested world of cycling ... (and Mary MacKillop, who didn't mind the odd lash of fermented liquid herself).

In all his columns, he shows the depth and diversity of a lawyer very much given to staying on the tracks ... No off road cycling, puh-lease ...

Now some inner city elites might think that Andrews is on a career long path to achieving a minor role as a dry as dust character in an Anthony Powell novel, but truth to tell not even Powell could be so dull.

Andrews traces the values that underpin our liberal democracy, ideas such as the intrinsic human dignity where the individual is paramount.

He juxtaposes our Judeo-Christian heritage and the ideas of the Enlightenment with the very different historical roots of the Greens, where the subordination of the individual has become the driving ideology to effect radical economic and social change.

Yep, it seems he continues to show his capacity for the usual conservative ahistorical twaddle we've come to expect in this country, in this case somehow managing to conflate a Judeo-Christian heritage (and never mind those sordid gods-worshipping Athenian Greeks) with the Enlightenment, which just happened to be the time when intellectuals, often of a rising middle class disposition, took the stick to some of the more eminent superstitions and nonsense emanating from the stench of a Judeo-Christian heritage. Oh yes, it was back to the real Romans in enlightenment times ...

Back to Andrews and his insights for young Tootles:

"Unless we understand the ideological foundations of the Greens, we will fail to effectively address the challenge of their revolution . . . What the Greens present is the cutting edge of a clash within Western civilisation itself," Andrews said. By looking closely at Greens policies, he has uncovered what he calls the new coercive utopianism.

Coercive utopianism? Why that sounds very alarming, and so unlike the Liberal medicine - you know, the one that says off to the factory to work for rich master, until you drop dead and they send your corpse off to glue factory, since waste not, want not should always be the go. And if they don't like that sort of thing in the docks, why send in the dogs ... How's that for an old kind of coercive utopianism?

Yes, young Tootles, hearken to the drumbeat of paranoia:

It becomes clear that behind every stated purpose - and an increasing number of anodyne motherhood statements - set out in Greens policies through the years is a secret agenda that, at its core, is anti-free trade, anti-capitalism, anti-wealth, anti-consumption and anti-growth.

Why they must swagger around, like rebels without a cause, like that Marlon Brando in that bikie film.

"What're you rebelling against Bobby Brown", they ask, and he gives the interrogator a cool, steely glance, as he replies "Whaddya got?"

Bob Brown as an off the rails bikie ... who'd have thunk it?

The Greens' latest bill to stop banks raising interest rates beyond the Reserve Bank's official cash rate is just the latest example. It fits the Greens' agenda to reduce the flow of credit in an effort to reduce consumption.

Actually, stupid idea that it is, it perfectly fits the idle wretched rhetoric of bank bashing these past few weeks by jolly Joe Hockey, and that's why it's clever politics by Brown, showing that Hockey is willing to walk the walk, and blather about levers and regulations, but when it comes to the crunch, incapable of doing anything about it ...

That's what irritates the crap out of the commentariat, but of course all the opprobrium has to be heaped on Brown, rather than the irresponsible yet impotent squawkings of jolly Joe.

But wait, there's more insights into the devastating and secret Greens agenda:

Drawing on the Greens de facto think tank, the Australia Institute, new Greens member Adam Bandt wants us to work less, too, presumably so we earn less money and consume less material goods.

Work less? What, you mean frolic in the fields, looking at the flowers and playing with the butterflies? What a shocking, reprehensible idea. Back to factory lad, work hard, consume and die ... It's called life ...

Yes, this is the kind of dangerous laid back extremism that could turn Australia into a quagmire of slacker dudes:

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?
The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Why if this kind of extremism came to pass, Janet Albrechtsen might end up writing only one conservative ranting column a fortnight, and still be handsomely paid for that onerous task.

Now there's a commitment to hard work ... and on the upside, it would leave her more time to go shopping for that plasma screen she desperately needs for the second bathroom ...

Okay young Tootles, it's time for the wrap up:

For too long, Greens extremism has been hidden from the Australian public under a cuddly shroud of green goodwill.

Yes indeed so hidden that people have actually voted for them, without understanding that they are in fact cannibals, and eat the body of Christ on a regular weekly basis (let's not get into the drinking of the blood). The damn Satanists, is there no end to their trickery and perversions ...

Cuddly shroud? Better talk of the Turin shroud than all this nonsense about living with regard to the environment when it's so much more jolly to dig it up and ship it to China ...

As success brings more scrutiny, the Greens may well go the way of earlier "new forces" in Australian politics. But just as the Greens would be foolish to take their continuing success for granted, we would be unwise to treat their demise as a given.

Yes, young Tootles, remember everywhere there's a Green waiting to turn you into a mindless willing slave to servitude. Better get out that job application, and start punching the clock to serve your time.

Once again it's time to remind you of the importance of staying on the tracks. Sure the tracks might take you to Iraq via Afghanistan, but what a picturesque and successful ride, as we valiantly fight to preserve our Judeo-Christian ethics by bombing the shit out of people ... and then making sure any refugees arising are given a damn hard time for their insolence ...

Just another day in Tootle land, and as usual, the Mayors are at it again ...

(Below: oh pull yourself together Tootle, and stop that mamby pamby cry baby stuff. Get back on the rails, and fight for individuality and independence and the Enlightenment by becoming a conservative conforming sheep bahhing and bleating three bags full all day long as the bee hive buzzes its united chorus of fear and loathing and dammit, mixed metaphors).