Piers Akerman, and a fulsome thirty pieces of silver ...

(Above: being in a fulsome mood, we somehow ended up learning about blurbs here at Gelett Burgess and the blurb).

Poor Akker Dakker.

In the trauma of it all, Piers Akerman managed a mere 279 words to describe the pain, the betrayal, the outrage, the shock and the horror.

Only 279 words in Independents use weak arguments to back Labor.

He managed 1,064 in The independent path to hypocrisy, berating the independents for their incipient betrayal.

He can usually knock out a thousand words at the drop of a hat, berating the filthy evil commie pinko socialist deviants, and their lickspittle watermelon fellow travellers, but this time it seems like his heart wasn't in it, that the words failed him.

The adjectives were listless, most of the adverbs had fled the scene, and only the odd "bizarrely" hinted at the old Akker Dakker Akerman style. The cut and dash of a larrikin Flashman making the pinko perverts feel the full weight and cut of his mighty sword.

He even resorted to quoting Rob Oakeshott's joke about his four and six year old being split on the decision, before wrapping it up, quickly, hastily, thus:

Labor will do all in its power to keep Windsor and Oakeshott happy. They should enjoy their thirty pieces of silver as their electorates will not be as generous when the fulsome nature of their deal with Labor sinks home.

Sad really, to see that Akker Dakker's first entry into the loon pond competition for the most extravagant and meaningless metaphor about the current political situation turn into a simple pike with bellyflop dive, as old as the hills really, comparing the independents to Judas Iscariot and to Christ's betrayal.

Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, "What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?" So they counted out for him thirty silver coins. From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.

Matthew 26:14-16

Oh dear, it looks like things might get ugly, seeing how Judas went away and hanged himself, and the chief priests refused to put the thirty pieces of silver - blood money - into the treasury, and so they used the loot to buy a potter's field for a burial place for foreigners, which came to be called the Field of Blood, and the thing you know the Romans are whipping and stabbing and mocking and crucifying Tony Abbott ...

Oops, sorry, I meant Jesus Christ, which is to say one aspect of the Holy Trinity, which is to say god.

Holy cow, the independents have killed god! I read the runes, but entirely missed the point.

The bloody satanists are at work, and it took Akker Dakker, with his strength, and his vision to reveal the revelation, 666 and all that, as we come to the end times and the rapture ...

Recount time. The judges were fooled by the brevity, the shortness, the simplicity, the familiarity of the comparison. But when you dig deep, holy mammal batman, the thirty pieces of silver goes right to the heart of the universe, love, pain, heaven, death, resurrection, the angels and the whole damn thing. Way deeper than 42.

Confronted with this news, the judges have decided to reconvene and take a look at their simple minded dismissal of Akker Dakker's entry.

But what's this? A sticking point? One of the more pedantic judges is arguing over Akker Dakker's use of fulsome. They've called for a dictionary!

Did Akker Dakker mean fulsome in its original sense? In the thirteenth century, when it was first used, fulsome meant simply 'abundant or copious' (here).

Surely as a conservative Akker Dakker should stick to the traditions of language. Anything later than the thirteenth century smacks of dangerous modernism, avant gardism and futurism.

Is the dictionary usage note any help?

It (fulsome) later developed additional senses of “offensive, gross” and “disgusting, sickening,” probably by association with foul, and still later a sense of excessiveness: a fulsome disease; a fulsome meal, replete with too much of everything. For some centuries fulsome was used exclusively, or nearly so, with these unfavorable meanings.

Today, both fulsome and fulsomely are also used in senses closer to the original one: The sparse language of the new Prayer Book contrasts with the fulsome language of Cranmer's Book of Common Prayer. Later they discussed the topic more fulsomely. These uses are often criticized on the grounds that fulsome must always retain its connotations of “excessive” or “offensive.” The common phrase fulsome praise is thus sometimes ambiguous in modern use.

So are the independents vile and disgusting, or have they secured a copious abundant deal?

The judges are in utter confusion, and running around in circles, like they're judges in a Monty Python sketch (click here for that distraction).

It seems that there's simply too much confusion in Akker Dakker's fulsome use of the word, and his entry's been disqualified. The judges have confiscated the thirty pieces of silver, and plan to use it to buy a clay field, wherein unhappy commentariat columnists can be laid to rest and finally be at peace.

Well we're not happy, and we'll be demanding a re-count. If Akker Dakker is turned away for comparing the independents to treacherous, traitorous money grubbing god killers, there's mischief afoot. The judges themselves might well have taken thirty pieces of silver ...

A mere technicality shouldn't stand in the way of a triumphantly evocative metaphor! We can already put down our glasses, as the pond hails Akker Dakker as fairest, full of it scribe of all ...

And now a few fulsome tributes to fulsome sayings, with more here, including links to the sources:

They are fulsome obtrusive dogs; they gild palm-leaves.
Thus Spake Zarathustra Nietzsche

She embraced me after a most fulsome manner.

Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift

... and further instancing the known truth that in the case of animals, the young, which may be called the green fruit of the creature, is the better, all con- fessing that when a goat is ripe, his fur doth heat and sore engame his flesh, the which defect, taken in con- nection with his several rancid habits, and fulsome appetites, and godless attitudes of mind, and bilious quality of morals ...

A Connecticut Yankee Mark Twain

It is not my intention to be fulsome, but I confess that I covet your skull.

The Hound of the Baskervilles Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

(Below: and from the same source as the top of the page, a fulsome guide to fulsome flamboyant advertising. Click on to enlarge).