Fred Nile, and the joys of intense and intensely scientific research ...

(Above: tabloid shock horror, here)

Here at the pond we've been known to try a diverse variety of alcoholic beverages ... purely for research purposes of course.

It turns out that not only was it incredibly scientific, but surprisingly enjoyable. We're still trying to work out how to pull all the diverse conclusions together. It seems clear that - though we can't insist it's been rigorously proven, and it will certainly require more research - the first tentative hesitant conclusion might be that if you drink enough grog you'll get pissed as a parrot, loll about and indulge in a little fornication of a hampered kind.

We've also been known to try a little marijuana, not in the cigarette puffing and inhaling way, since there's always controversy about actual inhaling, but to check out how well baked cookies work ... purely for research purposes of course.

We've even been known to grind up the little pink thingies you could once find inside cough tablets, and mix them with coke to see how well it imitated the effects of speed, which of course meant we had to sample speed as well, purely for purposes of comparison ...

Needless to say the whole experiment was only an attempt to find a cure for sinus troubles and purely for research purposes of course ...

We've even been known to research the effects of sounding like a pontificating prat by using the 'royal we', which naturally involved extensive use of the 'we', together with a royal wave of the hands, and a pompous utterance like 'we are amused ... by the Reverend Fred Nile'.

Like the Reverend Nile's parliamentary office, we have been known to visit adult sites, simply to marvel at the astonishing range and diversity of pornography available on the full to overflowing intertubes.

It seems clear - though we can't insist it's been rigorously proven, and it will certainly require more research - that the first tentative hesitant conclusion might be that if you go looking for pornography on the intertubes, you'll find it.

We're currently working up a paper explaining how the availability of pornography is directly related to women refusing to come across with a fuck, and we're seeking sponsorship from Bettina Arndt for the paper. If men we're only kept in a permanent state of rutting frenzy, they'd have no need for visual stimulus. I know this doesn't quite explain how pornographic images have been around since way before Roman times, but we're working on it ...

It was therefore with vast relief that we learned from the Daily Terror that the Reverend Fred or his office was a like-minded and devoted researcher, thanks to the audit going down within the hallowed halls of parliament:

It can also be revealed that the audit, conducted two months ago, identified Christian Democrat MP Fred Nile as one of the biggest viewers of adult content.

Mr Nile claimed yesterday he had never viewed pornography and said his staff had used his log-on and done so for "research purposes".

But up to 200,000 suspect hits have been recorded under Mr Nile's log-on, sources said.

Mr Nile's office said that amount of hits was "impossible".

Indeed. Only 200,000 hits? That's more a tickle than a research effort. And if the evocative artwork in the Daily Terror's splash for the story is any guide, strikingly futile. A blurred out upper female body part draped in a large black bra on a computer screen! Is that the best Mr. Nile's office could supply to the Terror's graphic artist?

Sheesh, that's not porn, in much the same way as Paul Hogan has lately taken to saying that's not a tax liability, this is a tax liability.

Yes, research is a wonderful thing, and so valid and useful, and so much more credible than some phoney line like "I did not have visual eyeball sexual relations with that computer screen."

The audit was ordered by Speaker Richard Torbay after revelations a former staffer for Ms Paluzzano, Tim Horan, had accessed online gaming.

A firewall was installed in July for Legislative Assembly MPs so they could not view pornography but Legislative Council President Amanda Fazio elected not to install a firewall for the Upper House.

Before news of Mr McLeay's resignation broke, Ms Fazio yesterday said she was refusing to implement a similar ban in the Upper House saying she was "against internet censorship".

Well here at the pond we've campaigned long and hard against internet censorship, as well as the use of the royal 'we', and frankly we don't have a problem what people do in their own time in their homes on their own computers. Unlike some. (Get behind we Senator Conroy).

But you do have to be a peculiar kind of goose to imagine that it's sensible or appropriate to hook up with sex sites, whether in the name of research or simply for pleasure, or indulge in gambling, in a work place environment. Imagine, for example, might happen if the Reverend Fred came into the room, and found you wanking away to images of Siberian bears mating with loons?

Oh sorry, that wasn't the purpose of the research:

A staffer for Mr Nile, David Copeland, confirmed he had viewed sites to research the activities of the Australian Sex Party and also the proposed internet filter.

Ah, that explains how the Christian Democratic Party found out about Steve Fielding's attempt to enter into congress with the Australian Sex Party, and then publish this outraged media release, here:

Christians around the nation are in a state of shock after reports have come to light that Senator Steve Fielding's office of the Family First Party has allegedly been courting a former political adversary that advocates prostitution, hardcore pornography, euthanasia, full-term abortion and homosexual marriage.

Family First sought to do a back-room preference deal with the Australian Sex Party, but the latter turned them down citing irreconcilable differences. The news has shocked many Christian supporters within Family First, believing the party to be founded on family friendly Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Indeed. Talk about a nation of Christians in a state of prophylatic shock.

What a relief to turn to a party founded on Christian principles, and with Christian habits and practices!

"Look I don't want to get into what Family First should and shouldn't be doing. But I will say this, the reports I'm getting are very concerning. It begs the question, what 'family' are they putting first?" asked Rev Fred Nile.

"It pains me to see such compromise in this nation. Christians are called to be salt and light, to fight wrong not accommodate it! Right now, I feel for the many dedicated Christians who have made sacrifices to help 'Family First'.

"I can only encourage them with the knowledge that the party to which I belong, the Christian Democratic Party, the only overtly Christian party in Australia, will NOT compromise Christian belief for secular political correctness or expediency. As it states in Ephesians 6:13 'stand against the evil of the day, and having done all ..STAND!'

"I encourage all Christians to stand with us", stated Rev Fred Nile.

Indeed.

What a splendid sight to see a fully erect Fred Nile making a firm stand against the evil of the day. Out, out vile pornography, life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts around without much in the way of clothes, flaunts a little nudity on the stage and then is heard no more. It is a John Cleland tale, told in a Henry Miller way, some times with an oddball Marquis de Sade tweak, by an idiot, full of writhing and orgasms and seeds and priapic juttings and outpourings and monstrous pricks, and rutting fury, signifying nothing ...

Which is why here at the pond we encourage all Christian men to stand fully erect next to the fully erect Fred Nile as he makes his valiant stand against Family First and pornography ...

Now let us all join in prayer, with the text for the day Matthew 7:5:

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Now here's the problem Rev'd Fred.

My partner has been off doing research all hours, night and day, ever since news of your research broke, citing your splendid example.

He claims the research might well lead to the confirmation of cold fusion and the discovery of a perpetual motion machine. Should I believe him? Or could it be that he's after unfiltered images of women in large black bras?

I've confiscated all the Victoria's Secret catalogues I found lying around the house, but still I'm worried ... Here's a sample of what I've found:

Shocking, startling, confronting, difficult, awkward, shameful ... and did I say shocking?

I know god will find it in her heart to forgive Sydney and perhaps even the Upper House of the NSW legislature, but will god find it in her heart to help loon pond, the blessed virgin and Bettina Arndt willing?