Anita Quigley, and how those wily bloody politicians have turned Australia into Iraq ...

(Above: to kick things off in the right key, time for a singalong as we brood about 'In My Day' and blame the young recalcitrant pups for everything that's wrong in the world, including this song).

Already we're thinking of launching a competition for the stupidest, silliest statements, metaphors and comparisons doing the rounds in the media.

Janet Albrechtsen was off to a strong start, a flying start, by evoking Stalin and describing country folk, or their representatives as elites playing elitist politics. We might have to put some lead in her saddle bags to slow her down.

By comparison, the banal Greg Craven, in How long will it all last?, could only manage massive hand wringing, "surreal" as the adjective of choice, along with first class mess, herculean tasks and the stuff of nightmares. As a case of self-serving hysterics it was exemplary scribbling, but it lacked real class.

Much better form was shown by George Brandis as he compared the Labor government to the Pakistani cricket team. We look forward to the News of the World sting exposing the match fixing and the corruption. Well played sir. Would you mind if we compared your mind to the bog swamp snake people on view in Boris Karloff's dullest movie? Purely in the interests of metaphor of course ...

Last night on Lateline Christopher Pyne went off on a rant that showed Tony Abbott's promised of a kinder gentler polity was a non-core promise destined to melt like a pat of unsalted butter in the strong spring sun.

He delivered such a nattering of negativity that in the end Tony Jones was reduced to pleading for a positive remark, but the pert ponce instead spent his time chortling about "Kumbaya" like a feral flanneled fool, so that in the end Jones wrapped it up thus:

Christopher Pyne, interesting to be back to politics as usual. (here).

Dear absent lord, interesting? More years of Christopher Pyne prattling on like a late night loon about kumbaya, polluting the ABC with his presence is interesting ... ?

On the upside, I can now drift off quietly to the sounds of the radio, and get a solid night's sleep.

Pyne also came out with the notion that the alliance was like putting the mongoose and the cobra together, forgetting that his own pyrotechnics made him sound like a goose who should be fed to the cobra. (Insults start to fly from furious Coalition).

But it turns out all these players were light weight poseurs, up against a new heavyweight contender, Anita Quigley, and the digital front page splash for her piece was eye catching:
What a goody, what a great play. Iraq has more chance of stable government than we do!

Called it in one, as I dodged the IED at the side of the road, noticed that they'd bombed the Newtown market one more time - probably some greenie hippie gone off his tofu - and then picked up a paper reporting on the massacre of some fifty schismatic Christians who'd been herded together in St. Stephens.

The instability in the inner west is startling, and every day now I yearn for the peacefulness and stability they celebrate and rejoice in every day in Iraq.

You can read more of Quigley's nonsense here under the header Behind the 'nice bloke' facade is just another wily politician. Here's how it starts:

The curtains had barely been drawn to let the sunshine in when dark clouds began to form over the new Gillard government and its queen-making independents.

Queen-making? Well there's a nice piece of snidery and bitchery, almost worthy of a ... Miranda the Devine.

And then it dawned on me, it hit me like a steam train. From now on it's going to be Quigley the divine. The Herald, in a petty act of vengeance, has snatched an old Daily Terror scribbler (you can catch her lapsed Terror blog here) and is training her up to become a major irritant.

You can imagine the growing excitement as we read Quigley's piece and it turned, in good imitation of the Devine, into one long whingeing whining rant:

Just a few days? Sure you don't want 17? We know how you don't like to rush these things. At this rate, Iraqis have more chance of a stable government over the next three years than we do.

Welcome to life as we now know it - held to ransom by a few men from regional Australia revelling in their newfound fame and clear disdain towards the majority of their fellow countrymen and women.

Men who don't seem to care much about home affordability levels, climbing rents, increasing population densities, apartment blocks ruining traditional suburbs, traffic congestion, dirty and unreliable trains, cash-strapped councils leaving suburban streets a potholed mess … to name just a few of the burning issues which affect millions of us.

Yes, the moaning and the groaning were right up there on the Richter scale. I just had to repeat the bit about Iraq, it's so delicious, so tasty, like a piece of ice sugar laden turkish delight.

And the stupidity level was right up there too:

The fact those in the country will be able to have better internet services is sure to console commuters who have to drive 90 minutes each way to work while paying about $80 in tolls a week for the privilege.

Um, actually, they're still talking about building the grand railway, but do you really think that the federal government is in the business of sorting out tolls on NSW roads, a matter for the state government and its various follies?

Well yes, if you're an aspirational Devine, you do:

With the scandal-stunted state government so inept, western Sydneysiders were looking to Canberra to provide such vital services, but instead face the reality their votes didn't count. It must now be like a convention for the disappointed and disillusioned in the vast tracts of suburban Sydney.

Ah yes, never mind the constitution, or the state government, the feds would come in like shiny angels and fix everything. Why shortly after he'd walked on water Tony Abbott would have fixed up everything wrong with Sydney, just like John Howard did with a decade in power. I was thinking that when I trotted off to Sydney's second airport the other day in that very fast new train ....

What? That was a dream? Who to blame? Perhaps it's all those wretched, embittered disillusioned vast tracts of suburban Sydney who failed to cough up their five bucks to enjoy the weekly fashion glossy Grazia, which has also provided a home to Quigley. Circulation 66,000.

And the taste for the bold pronouncement is rampant:

But if there is one thing abundantly clear already under this all-loving minority government, it is this: despite everyone purporting to have the interests of the country at heart, they don't.

First impressions might be that Rob Oakeshott wants to simply spread fairy dust. For all this talk of sunshine and beautiful politics, he would be better suited behind the lectern as a pastor at a group-hugging happy-clappy church. But now we're stuck with him as one of the most powerful men in the country.

Yes, yes, this is pure Devine. Fairy dust, talk of sunshine, and with a new twist - a dagger in the heart of group huggers and clappy happy churchy types.

There's also a splendid lack of logic. Quigley spends an elaborate amount of time - too tedious to quote at length - proving that Oakeshott is a bludger, absent on almost 15% of parliamentary sitting days, and skipping class to head home to Port Macquarie, missing Friday sittings, and clearly not up to the job of holding such extraordinary power.

Yet at the same time, he's ready to take the financially short sighted option of accepting a Ministerial seat, a delusional move which will see him booted out quick stix. And so?

While Oakeshott likes to give the impression of a cheesy, affable, boy-next-door country lad who has reluctantly found himself thrust into this situation, seemingly, it's not the case at all. He's been grooming himself for years for bigger things.

Yes, the no hoper, ne'er do well truant and bludger and sell out has been grooming himself for years for a situation where the Australian electorate has returned a hung parliament ... by acting like a bludging truant. The cunning fiend knew that Australia would be returning to 1940 in this election, planned for it, groomed himself, clapped happy, and now here he is, holding the balance of power.

That's it, done and dusted. We have a new Devine. Paranoid, whining, ranting, raving, and surely the capper - comparing Australia to Iraq ...

By the time the wrap up par landed, I was sure the Herald was on a winner:

Tony Abbott said on Tuesday while he was disappointed with Windsor and Oakeshott's decision to give Julia Gillard a 76-74 majority, he believed they "were acting in good faith". Many, me included, aren't buying it for a moment.

Me? I'm not buying Quigley for a moment, a sure sign that she has a great future at the Herald. Hasty, lackadaisical illogical ranting ... it's right down the Herald's tawdry alley.

Meanwhile, the good folk of Tamworth and that fine old rag The Northern Daily Leader are in uproar, as the editorial team scribbled Why Windsor is right. It got so heated, the editorial team followed up with Windsor's still independent:

IF RECENT letters, blog comments and phone calls to our office are to be believed then Tony Windsor, the independent member for New England, has sold his soul to the devil and joined the communist party.

That, we are happy to report, is not the case.

Nor is it true that Mr Windsor has joined the Gillard government.

No, it's true he hasn't turned Australia into Vietnam or North Korea or Cuba. He's turned it into bloody Iraq, and now we're dressed up in whites to play the Pakistan cricket team in a game of 20/20, dubbed the Mongooses versus the Cobras grudge match ...

It must be true. I read it in the Herald.

Oh it's going to be an exceptionally hectic time in the pond ....

(Below: and the latest news from the actual real Iraq, illustrated by this photo: Second Iraq TV presenter shot, Baghdad bomb kills four. As well as the four people killed, more than thirty two were wounded, with violence spiking in recent months, and July and August recording the highest monthly death tolls since mid-2008. Perhaps instead of thinking about such things, you should buy your copy of Grazia for all that's relevant in the news).