If only it were so Mr Pope, if only it were so ... but at least there's more Pope here.
Meanwhile, having long left Tamworth behind - what a heartbreak Barners town it is - the pond also long ago gave up the deplorable, reprehensible term "gutless wonder".
But it seems the pond was wrong. The words should be rehabilitated, dusted off, the moths evicted, because the words do have a use.
Malcolm Turnbull is a gutless wonder.
There's no other description that fits so precisely or is so tidily evocative.
Now the pond had expected Turnbull to fold, but it could have gone the other way, but there it is, in black and white: And he's out! Malcolm Turnbull pulls out of Q and A, Tony writes a letter.
And at that point the pond wonders what Turnbull has to offer politics anymore, except as a figure of mockery and derision.
He's already wrecked the NBN, now he's standing aside while Tony Abbott goes about the business of tearing down the ABC, demonising and conducting a war in the usual aggro Abbott way.
Turnbull has always had the contempt of the dries, but now surely he's earned the contempt of the wets. Or at least any sensible wets still standing ...
He has become the latest version of Peter Costello. Pathetic, a jelly, and a gormless one at that.
He will never become the leader of the Liberal party, he will never become Prime Minister.
Well at least if the pond had a chance to vote. Perhaps there are other gutless wonders out there who still dream it might come true, but they probably wear glass slippers to the ball in the hope of scoring a prince.
So why does he hang around? It's hardly for the money, and now he might be better off becoming a useless irrelevance and droning on in the media, Peter Costello style, writing a column for Fairfax, as actively supporting and condoning and facilitating the current government.
And once more the pond has to contemplate the question of Q and A, a show the pond never watches, refuses to watch.
Whatever its place in the cosmos, it surely sits comfortably alongside other ABC entertainments such as Dirty Laundry, with Lawrence Mooney and Brooke Satchwell, or Charlie Pickering doing The Week, two other light entertainment shows the pond never watches, no slur on the hipsters who do, or the hipsters who make them ...
But Abbott has deemed, without a jot or a whit of regard for ABC independence, that the show must sit within news and current affairs, when the format clearly makes it unsuitable for either ...
Now already the Fairfaxians have burst into print, pointing out the absurdity, as with Michael Gordon's Tony Abbott's ABC ultimatum will only prolong controversy:
In delivering the ABC an ultimatum it could never accept, Tony Abbott has again shown poor judgment on an issue that should have been done and dusted weeks ago.
He has also given more publicity to the program he insists has received much too much (courtesy of his own interventions) already.
And, once again, he has placed Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull and the broadcaster in an invidious position.
Having unilaterally imposed a ban on his ministers appearing on the program, Mr Abbott has announced a term for lifting it that would, if accepted, compromise the ABC's independence.
But that's the whole point of the exercise.
Jim Spigelman has already shown he's craven, a jelly fish, by suggesting the show head off to news and current affairs, where it would stand out like a sore thumb - all the twittering would have to go, along with the rest of what passes for entertainment.
And Mark Scott is always keen to fold like a pack of cards willing to flop around as the Red Queen demands.
But worst of all is Turnbull, who titillated people with his talk of just wait and see about what he would do.
Which it turns out, was to accept a unilateral ban and keep his head down and allow Abbott to maintain the rage.
Like a gutless, gormless wonder.
Gordon acts as if Abbott should or does want the matter sorted, which is as wonderful a delusion as any might care to cultivate.
Abbott and his office want to keep on kicking the can down the road, keep the controversy running, just like he's done with terrorism and national security:
With Greece imploding, China's stock market in turmoil and Bill Shorten's credibility under challenge in the royal commission Mr Abbott set up, the Prime Minister is trying to micro-manage the ABC. Go figure.
Actually it's easy enough to figure. He's wedged Turnbull and he's revealed him to be, yet again, a gutless wonder ...
And he's wedged the ABC, and the show, and no doubt he has got the reptiles yet again in some kind of mysterious, mystical kool-aid fuelled rapture ...
Let's see how the reptiles spin it, and damn sure it won't be as Michael Gordon proposed.
Is there a bouffant one in the house?
Ah, there you go Mr Gordon, it's a peace deal, everything's settled, everything's ship shape. Let's just look at the entrails now:
You see Mr Gordon, the way the reptiles tell it, it was actually the work of the gutless wonder to micro-manage the ABC and interfere with its editorial independence and propose that the ABC shift a light entertainment show into news and current affairs ... and naturally the ABC and its chair, not giving much of a fig or a thought for the matter, and just wanting it to go away, were ready to do the deal ...
So big Mal became as effective and as useful as Barnaby Joyce in stopping a coal mine going ahead ... oh what a heartbreak town it is, but let's go ahead and finish the bouffant one's offering:
So much for the independent inquiry. So much for it running its natural course, free of any carry-on behind the scenes.
"Further changes would be proposed before the review was finalised."
That's code for the jelly flopping about before settling down in the mould.
Well in the long run, it doesn't matter to the pond, which still won't be watching the show wherever it's located within the ABC.
But you have to live in la la land or Fairfaxville to run with this splash:
Back down? What, he's got the gutless wonder to step aside, and he's proposed that the ABC file a light entertainment show in news and current affairs, and they're going to do it, or so the reptiles say, and never mind notions of ABC editorial independence, and he's backing down?
Well at that point, all the pond can do is turn to Moir for an oldie but a golden Judy Davis goodie (you can catch Moir on Twitter here):