(Above: and more Cathy Wilcox here)
I'm sorry, Yud, I'm truly, deeply sorry.
You don't mind if I call you Yud? You're not going to give me any of that Asian face stuff are you?
I feel so close to you Yud, like you're our best neighbour, our best friend.
That's why I'm so sorry to stiff you, what with it being a personal invite and all, and a chance to catch up, and make up, and snog a little, and all that keen stuff.
But you see I can't leave Joe. He needs help.
I know, I know, having an innumerate illiterate who hates wind farms as the nation's treasurer is a tad funny, but he's got no head for figures. It's just the way it is, and that's why I have to hang around to help him.
Oh sure the age of entitlement is dead, but Joe's entitled to help.
And besides, what if he snuck off and killed a few of my pet vote-buying entitlement schemes while my back was turned and I was having a good time with you? What if he did a tricky on the PPL?
Can we just agree, Yud, to make a mysterious non-explanation?
I wouldn't want it to get around that Joe's a treacherous dumb ass and I have to stay back to hold his hand, and keep him in line.
You know how it is Yud, I mean I'm the dumb bunny that has to get out there and pretend that a levy isn't a tax, and devise all sorts of specious reasons as to why it's essential we wage class warfare.
So why can't we just devise a vague, specious reason for stiffing you Yud?
No I didn't really mean stiff Yud. Please, don't give me that Asian face stuff. We loves ya, we really do.
Remember how we kept on saying that the sun shined out of the bum of the Navy and you could trust everything they did because they were top notch professionals? Well we sacked and disciplined a few of them just to show how we cared.
Oh that's great Yud, we can just mutter about how we're sorry, it would have been a swell do?
We'll drop a hint to the Murdochians right away:
I really appreciate you helping out Yud, and rest assured that now that innumerate illiterate doing the numbers can save all his strength for hating wind farms, because I'll be helping him and that other dumb bell Mathias Cormann who's also supposed to be on the case.
I mean, you have to help them tie their shoe laces, and that's on a good day.
I've got Mathias to say it's something to do with the budget. He's the sort that's so thick he can keep a straight face saying the most preposterous things.
But how could I ask him to say right out front it's because he and Joe are not to be trusted deviants and simpletons to boot?
Oh I know, I know, the greenies will call me an embarrassment, and everybody will make fun of me, but heck Yud, you know how I love my junkets and attending parties. Ah for the good old days when you could run up expenses attending weddings.
Just rest assured it's got nothing to do with you when you read or hear this sort of thing:
“With Indonesia having already expressed its extreme displeasure at Australia dumping life boats in Indonesian waters, imagine how embarrassing it would have been for President Yudhoyono to have to stand with Tony Abbott as a group of dehydrated, sick and desperate refugees in an orange life boat drifted back from Australia.” (here)
They reckon I treat you with contempt, but it's not that at all Yud.
You see - can we get even more personal Yud - I know what it's like to be hated.
A sizeable majority of the population hates me Yud. Yes, they do:
Look at the figures, and worst of all, they're in the Sunday Terror which routinely broke Godwin's Law to help get me elected:
And the story's just as bad, as you can see here, just because we attempted a few porkies and a bit of class warfare, and 72% reckon it's a broken promise ...
But look on the bright side Yud. That means 28% are loyal fuckwits ...
So have a great party Yud, and I promise we'll hook up real soon, we'll catch up, don't know when, don't know where, but it'll be a humdinger. I promise.
You know how it goes in the first act. Boy is bad to girl, second act, boy fools around with another girl, third act boy gets back with original girl like he should have all along because they're destined to be together.
Oh sheesh Yud, don't give me that Asian face stuff. I didn't mean you were a girlie. It's just a metaphor, and let's face it, there's no way I could play the girlie role.
Maybe in my bunker? We could meet in my new bunker ...
Did I tell you they were building a bunker for me Yud? Where I can hide away and brood about the inconstancy and fickleness of those bastards who refuse to stand up for themselves and want to keep sucking on my teat ...
Oh dear Yud, those metaphors keep on getting mixed ...
I mean you're lucky. All those bloody film buffs who make those dire, boring, brooding bloody fillums - why can't they just have fun on a bike - hate me, and all those recommendations the bloody audit buggers made to stir things up.
Shove a stick in the ant's nest, and what do you get? Cutting film funding 'would gake us back to the stone age', says producer ...
Producers express alarm at Audit Commission proposals.
On and on they go, yabbering and jibbering and jabbering:
Screen Australia would be merged with the Australia Council, Creative Partnerships Australia and Bundanoon Trust to reduce administrative costs, the Commission proposes.
Now I ask you Yud, can't you see the clear connection between the Bundanon Trust and Wolf Creek 2?
It's so clear cut that If magazine couldn't even spell the Trust's name in a right and proper way. But if you click on the Bundanon Trust you'll find out all about it, and how there's a tremendous synergy between the flicks and Ilaroo.
I mean, the Trust is right on side:
Bundanon Trust chief executive Deborah Ely, said it would wait for the federal government to respond to the recommendations.
‘‘We’ve had no input into the Commission of Audit and at this stage we won’t be talking to government.’’ But Ms Ely said the Trust, which manages Arthur and Yvonne Boyd's gift of the Bundanon properties and collections, was ‘‘incredibly economically efficient’’ and generated almost 40 per cent of its revenue from sources other than the public purse. (here)
Which also means they're perfectly placed to handle ticket sales to the flicks.
As for community radio, who needs it Yud?
But I've rambled on enough Yud, and I should just leave you to chew your cud.
Oh for god's sake Yud, enough with the Asian face stuff and the pouting. There's no need for high horses, just because your nick rhymes with cud. That's how we do it, that's why I love to be called Rabbitt ...
Just remember we loves ya, and with a bit of luck, you can turn up just in time to indulge in a satanic ritual or two and we can chew things over together and maybe spit out a bone or a corpse.
There'll be fun times down the track, trust me ...
(Below: and more David Rowe here)