(Above: Cathy Wilcox doing some spade work for Dennis Jensen, more of that anon, and more of Wilcox here)
It almost slipped through to the keeper, but the pond is vigilant, and determined to acknowledge, reward and celebrate the finest in weather reporting:
Yes Tanya Smart - twitter her twitterings here - managed to get through her entire story, Sydney to register hottest May day in 95 years with a picture of Sydney harbour in glorious sunshine, and a picture of youngsters among the throngs enjoying the weather at North Bondi beach, and a very brief chat to a meteorologist and a lifeguard - the locals are loving it and the rips are running... and a note on the temperature and ...
Not once did she fall for that UN black helicopter international conspiracy regarding climate science, and accordingly she wins the inaugural pond trophy for "sssh, don't mention climate change" reporting ...
Well played Tanya ... the Murdoch press and the world need more intrepid, boldly scientific reports like yours ...
Speaking of delusional, didn't Kevin Andrews deliver a ripper when he said he believed the recent federal budget had been "well received". Which makes the need for an "information" service somewhat bizarre and a complete waste of money.
In other news from planet Mars ... there's the Bolter and Terry McCrann advising the world that there's no surprise and no savagery in the budget, here. Maybe that's news from Io, Pluto or even Uranus?
And then came this little oddity:
So the boxing boofhead cycling rugger bugger blue, if the pond may use the local argot, did go the chicken ... with a cluck and a passing of the buck ... scared off by a few Marcusians and Trotskyites, perhaps fearing he might become one of those Russian sailors so lamented by Gerard "prattling Polonius" Henderson, now the country's most esteemed literary critic ...
And then came this:
The Fairfaxians dubbed George Brandis forced to rethink discrimination act changes an EXCLUSIVE, but the pond is distraught.
What will the Bolter say if it comes to pass?
And besides, the pond was taught to hate by Abbott and Co. and by golly the hating is good. Even the head prefect couldn't induce hate the way this bunch has managed (well he could point to the Khemlani loans affair, and the absurdity that Rex Connor not only existed, but was in a position of power, and that's before we even mention the hypocrisy of Jim Cairns).
Meanwhile, it seems that the crow-eaters are in uproar, but the only result of the fuss for the pond was to remind it how popular co-joined and hyphenated names are in the ruling class in South Australia. For a final touch, it really should have been Hamilton-Smythe ...
Go on, check it out for yourself ... oh Adelaide, Adelaide, and all the great aunts insane or dead, and is the wisteria still blooming, and how is the Kensington Road turnpike working out? (And if you've never heard the Paul Kelly song, what are ya?)
Anyhoo, everything seems to be conspiring to produce a crisis for the reptiles at the lizard Oz.
How to fill the front page? Oh there's a little space for the turncoat treachery in Adelaide, but once again it's Clive whacking day, and no matter that he loves Van Morrison:
Who could have thought it? One man tearing apart Australia's relationship with China and absolutely wrecking the Australian economy.
It reminded the pond of this recent portrait of reptile editor Chris Mitchell:
But look, as anyone knows, today is also Dame Slap day, and the news from Planet Janet (much further out and far more whacky than Homer Simpson or Uranus) is grim:
That's as opposed to the "Get Clive" show that routinely clogs the front page of the lizard Oz.
Oh wait, if you click through, it turns out that Planet Janet is singing from the same song sheet, and has got her lines down pat in The real story is Clive and his puppets ... (inside the paywall, because hating Clive and his puppets doesn't come free)
Golly will anyone ever write The real story is Chris and his magically agreeing muppets?
You see, the real story is how Chairman Murdoch and his muppets joined together to traduce and trash Labor, and - since Tony Abbott has always been on the nose and always will be - created space in the political landscape for the populist buffoon and his followers ... In much the same way that John Howard gave Pauline Hanson room to move, until he sent off Tony Abbott to impersonate a hit man with a slush fund ...
But back to Dame Slap. Naturally she's indignant at the greenies and Sarah Hanson-Young, and Jon Faine for raising his eyebrows, and for ridiculing Abbott's wink as some kind of private school boy reaction to the word sex.
Of course it's a sniggering private school boy reaction, but isn't that one of the benefits of a privileged upbringing?
Then it's on to the unseemly bashing of Abbott's daughters, the one in Geneva and the other offered a scholarship, because (a) it's just not fair, and (b) Tony Abbott kept his daughters carefully hidden throughout his campaign. Like this:
Real daughters offering real solutions. Almost like that reality TV show The Real Daughters of Mosman ...
When it comes to fringe politicians, Lambie is yin to Hanson-Young’s yang. One from the populist and shallow Right; one from the trendy, equally vacuous Left. Both stoop to personal attacks on Abbott. Both rise up to bash big business for being, well, big. Both have demonstrably failed to heed the glaring lesson of the global financial crisis that the only thing worse than a profitable bank is an unprofitable bank. Neither understands the flow of capital: people and business will move elsewhere when a country imposes punitive levels of taxation.
Worst of all, both are entirely clueless about the fiscal realities of running a country where spending outstrips revenue, where an ageing population is supported by a shrinking pool of taxpayers, and where overall spending on health education and welfare has gone from 20 per cent of total government outlays 40 years ago to 58 per cent today. In a nutshell, it’s all about cost.
Yep, which is why we have to strip seven bucks off the poor to fund a twenty billion dollar medical research fund. It's all about cost!
As for taxing the banks, why that's as outrageous as taxing hapless, struggling souls like Gina Rinehart.
Fiscal and political realities demand a cut to income tax rates, and preferably within this term as the government tries to get rid of the stinking albatross carcass it managed - without help from anyone else - to drape around its very own neck ...
But wait, Dame Slap, Chris Mitchell and the rest of the reptiles are standing by:
But here's the thing. The Australian has been punching - or flailing - away at Clive for months, and what sort of analysis have they received?
Show us how to do it Dame Slap:
With due respect to each of the senators-elect, they are Palmer’s puppets.
Uh huh. Which is why, with due respect, Dame Slap deserves her permanent place on the pond as one of Chris Mitchell's muppets.
Oh she goes on to dress it up a bit, but irony of ironies, she does it by borrowing from Sarah Ferguson's interview with Jacqui Lambie on the ABC. Sssh, don't mention the ABC ...
You see, the reptiles at the lizard Oz have so alienated Palmer and his followers that they won't go closer than a barge pole to the rag, and so the scrutiny is remote and ineffective, dirt digging that's done no damage to date, and has been water off a duck's back to Palmer.
That's the trouble when you run an ideological rag populated by zealots. It would have been easy to learn way too much about Palmer and his team by getting him, and them, to do interviews, but The Australian is forced to glean its insights from interviews done on the ABC.
And then it's on with the abuse. Lambie lives in Utopia, (or perhaps worse, comes from Tasmania) and she's a loon ... and so on ...
Now in the pond's admittedly limited experience, when you call people brain-dead mindless puppets hailing from Utopia, you tend to get an adverse reaction ...
Which is why Dame Slap's "conclusion" is so comical:
Rather than peddle salacious bits of nothing, the media would serve the public interest better by reporting on serious stuff. More scrutiny of the PUP senators-elect is a start. For now, at least, they may be Palmer’s puppets, but they also hold the future of budget repair in their hands.
Say what? The twenty billion dollar medical future research fund might be in jeopardy? The pond might not be able to enter Elysium and live to be a hundred and fifty, on the backs of the struggling poor?
Ah well, them's the breaks, but here's a tip for Tony Abbott. If you take Dame Slap's attitudes into negotiations with Clive Palmer and his puppets, you really will be fukt ...
Meanwhile, it's hard to keep up with all the good news:
Voters are passing an angry verdict on how Tony Abbott measures up against almost every leadership attribute, according to the latest Essential poll, which shows Labor’s lead over the Coalition unchanged at 52% to 48% in two-party-preferred terms.
Tony Abbott’s score on almost every negative attribute has jumped and on every positive attribute has declined since the questions were last asked on 15 April, before the federal budget.
More than two-thirds of respondents (67% – an increase of 11 percentage points) said Abbott was “out of touch with ordinary voters”, 29% (down 11 points) agreed he was trustworthy, 41% (down nine) agreed he was a capable leader, and 63% (up five) said he was arrogant. (The Graudian here)
Surely the most disliked PM in the western world ...
And Dennis Jensen has decided to pour calming Coca Cola - it's got harmless carbon dioxide in it don't ya know, go on have a drink - on troubled waters:
A Liberal MP has blasted the Abbott government's defence and science policies – including the budget centrepiece of a $20 billion medical research fund.
In a speech delivered in Parliament on Tuesday night, West Australian MP Dennis Jensen described the government's science policies as "foolish" and incoherent.
Dr Jensen, a former research scientist and defence analyst, criticised the government for cutting funding to the CSIRO and Australian Research Council while creating a medical research fund.
''There appears to be a lack of understanding of how science works,'' Dr Jensen says.
''Where is the coherent, co-ordinated approach to science policy?''
Dr Jensen said he has serious doubts about the details of the medical research fund.
''Is this funding to medical research going to be general, or specifically targeted at cancer, Alzheimer's and the like? How are we going to source those researchers?
''They don't grow on trees, and the training required is long and arduous, and very long lead times are required.
''What is this saying to those who might want to become mathematicians, physicists or chemists, hard sciences that are already in crisis?'' Dr Jensen says it is ''foolish to have such a policy disincentive, while at the same time massively incentivising medical research''. (here)
Sadly Jensen can't be entered into the "sssh, don't mention climate science" competition:
One of his recommendations, published on his website, include de-prioritising research into politically "hot" issues such as climate change.
''I know of researchers who are sceptical on the 'consensus' position [on climate change], but still use the 'key phrases' to enhance the probability of winning a research grant,'' he says.
Yes, you wouldn't want to go funding an international UN conspiracy where the grant money is spent taking black helicopters for a spin ...
Or put it another way, in a kind of Dame Slap/Chris Mitchell way...
When a muppet can point out how fukt the puppets are on the matter of science, and the medical research fund, built on scoring seven bucks off the poor while the Bolter pisses thousands against the wall on dog care, talk about a circus run by clowns ...
Which just leaves time for a David Pope cartoon which is remarkably on topic (as always more Pope here):